To forgive and forget?

It's with mixed feelings that I report on the arrival of Loic Remy on a season-long loan from QPR.

On the one hand, the signing represents our first real bit of transfer business of the close season, if you discount the acquisition of teenage midfielder Olivier Kemen. Remy is also a much-needed striker, and one who performed well in a struggling side last year. Furthermore, the temporary nature of the deal means that we aren't committed to paying out a hefty salary on a long contract if it doesn't work out - though mention has been made of a £2m loan fee.

On the other hand, though, the Frenchman not only has a rape charge hanging over him (as a Newcastle player there's nothing new there...) but is also a notorious mercenary. Not that you'd know it from what he said upon signing: "I was very flattered by the club's interest in me back in January and also very happy that they showed interest in me again this summer." The reality is that he wasn't flattered with enough wonga to come to St James' Park in January, preferring the significantly heftier pay packet on offer from the London club, and is now arguably only happy at the club's continued interest in him because he suspected his previous decision may well have torpedoed it. Actions speak louder than words, though, and so if he can prove his commitment to the cause and demonstrate his talents on the pitch, all will be forgiven.

One definite positive to emerge from events is that our old chum 'Appy 'Arry appears to be on collision course with his employers. One minute he was adamant that Remy would only be allowed to leave if QPR recouped their £8m outlay, and the next he was backtracking and conceding that a loan deal would be a possibility after all. Did someone have a word? He should be careful of turning face so quickly - he's in danger of catching himself in the eye with some of that jowl flab.

Oh Danny boys

Danny Simpson may have managed only two goals in 138 appearances for Newcastle, but it's taken him just two games to get off the mark for his new side QPR. Tulisa's ex grabbed the second goal as the Hoops comfortably defeated League Two Exeter in the League Cup.

On the subject of old boys finding the back of the net, it escaped my attention (and therefore mention in my round-up of the weekend's action) that Reading's winner on their return to the Championship was struck by Danny Guthrie. Having been a peripheral figure under Brian McDermott, the savagely shorn midfielder appears to be featuring in Nigel Adkins' plans.

Pitch perfect for Perchinho

The Football League kicked off on Saturday, and Perchinho's Wigan debut couldn't have gone much better. Aided and abetted by a red card for Barnsley debutant Dale Jennings, the Latics romped to a 4-0 away win as they kicked off their bid for an immediate return to the top flight in fine style.

Danny Simpson's new side QPR have similar ambitions, and got off to their own winning start by beating Sheffield Wednesday 2-1. Simpson's old St James' Park colleague ASBO was partnered in central midfield by Karl Henry, the pair apparently nemeses no more following a kiss-and-make-up session shortly after the latter's arrival from Wolves.

Elsewhere in the Championship, Shane Ferguson couldn't prevent Birmingham from opening their campaign with a home defeat - though Blues do at least have the consolation of knowing they're unlikely to be the last side to be beaten on their own patch by most people's promotion favourites Watford. In the sole fixture yesterday, there was a familiar name on the scoresheet for Blackburn, first-half substitute Leon O'Best popping up with an 89th minute equaliser at Pride Park. Good to see him back playing again.

Further down the divisions, James Tavernier helped Shrewsbury keep a clean sheet at home to MK Dons, but it was a baptism of fire for Michael Richardson, whose Accrington Stanley side suffered a 4-1 spanking at League Two new boys Newport.

Brum deal done for Shane

Another day, another departure with no sign of any incoming reinforcements. Shane Ferguson has rejoined Birmingham on loan, this time for a full season - a good deal for the player and both clubs.

Elsewhere in the Championship, following the fortunes of QPR this season as a non-fan may just have become even more entertaining. ASBO is still on the club's books, with another loan spell at Marseille yet to be resolved, and so 'Appy 'Arry signing of Karl Henry on a free transfer from Wolves may just spice things up nicely. The pair really aren't very fond of each other at all. Expect reports of a training ground bust-up any day now...

Gone fishing

The farewell to James Perch - who's signed for Wigan for a fee rumoured to be around £700,000 - is somewhat fonder than it might have been during his first season on Tyneside. The Nottingham-born player was mockingly nicknamed Perchinho in reference to his less than star quality - but, to the considerable surprise of both ourselves and the Forest fans who'd guffawed at our eagerness to take him off their hands, he gradually matured into a useful, committed utility player who loved a tackle on the pitch (whether at centre-back, full-back or in defensive midfield) and an amiable character who conducted himself well off it. Much like Antoine Sibierski before him, we warmed to him for showing an honest endeavour and determination to make the best of his ability - valuable and rare commodities to fans so often used to witnessing marquee signings fail to deliver on their promise and hype and simply go through the motions. All the best, Perchinho - to you if not your new club...

In stepping down to the Championship, Perchinho has followed in the footsteps of Danny Simpson, who - as had been expected - has opted to sign up and become part of 'Appy 'Arry's attempt to get QPR back into the top flight at the first time of asking. The player stats suggested was the best right-back in the Premier League as recently as April last year now finds himself in the capital, with all the temptations and distractions that holds for someone who didn't always keep his nose clean while in our employ. We'll watch with interest how 'Appy 'Arry's attempts to change the culture of unprofessionalism at the Hoops pans out...

Aaaaaand relax

QPR 1 - 2 Newcastle Utd

Swansea and Chelsea had written the script for us and while we may have tried our hardest to do what comes naturally and fluff our lines, conceding an early penalty and later getting a man sent off, ultimately we couldn't fail to beat QPR, picking up the three points required to guarantee we wouldn't be joining the hapless Hoops in the Championship next season.

The most instrumental and influential players in our successful bid for survival haven't been those in black and white stripes: first the excellently named Dwight Tiendalli, then "Super" Frankie Lampard, and finally Jose Bosingwa , a man who yesterday couldn't have turned in a more clownish performance if he'd been wearing massive shoes and a squirty flower.

With Saylor missing (presumably injured), Mike Williamson was somewhat surprisingly picked as his deputy, the Silver Fox overlooking Perchinho. Our only other change was also in defence, where the suspension-free Mathieu Debuchy can consider himself exceedingly fortunate to waltz back in despite his schoolboy-like and ill-disciplined display against Liverpool and understudy Danny Simpson's solid performance in achieving the clean sheet at West Ham.

For his part, 'Appy 'Arry looked set to inflict serious pain on us once again by not only selecting a dreaded old boy in the shape of Jermaine Jenas but also Loic £emy, and typically it was the mercenary striker who drew first blood. Debuchy tugged Junior Hoilett's shirt and then made a slightly clumsy challenge on the lively QPR forward, but neither offence took place in the area - so when referee Lee Probert prodded his digit in the direction of the penalty spot we could scarcely believe our misfortune. £emy sent Rob Elliot the wrong way and our backs were immediately against the wall.

Thankfully, though, Portuguese full back Bosingwa - a hate figure at Loftus Road - soon intervened to even things up. He had actually made himself a nuisance earlier, denying Dreamboat a goal with a block, but then remembered his designated role as QPR's self-destruct button and attempted to swap shirts with HBA in the home side's penalty area. 'Arry may have moaned that it was a soft decision, but it was as blatant a foul as you'll see. HBA himself took the spot-kick, lashing home via the underside of the crossbar in a fashion that briefly had hearts in mouths.

Both sides then had presentable opportunities to forge ahead, Hoilett foiled by Elliot and Cisse by the linesman's flag - not for the first time this season, though on this occasion the officials were right to rule out his excellent header from Debuchy's right-wing cross.

Given the extraordinarily brittle nature of the two defences on display, it was only a matter of time before a calamitous cock-up took place, and mercifully it was to our benefit rather than our detriment. Rob Green rolled the ball out to Bosingwa, who rolled it back with less pace to his 'keeper. The latter's hurried and deflected clearance, under pressure from Spidermag, fell perfectly for Goofy to knock into the unguarded net from distance.

Bosingwa, like Stephane Mbia, was put out of his misery at half-time, much to our disappointment - but we remained in command after the interval, even when Mr T had to be replaced by Perchinho (a dubious choice when the Silver Fox once again had Vurnon Anita at his disposal). Spidermag had a header cleared off the line following more calamitous home defending and one-time Toon target Hoilett continued to carry a threat, but chances were at a premium and we were strolling towards victory when, with less than ten minutes remaining, potential disaster struck.

Elliot had already picked up a needless booking for booting the ball away after Probert's whistle had blown and was then left trudging off the pitch when adjudged to have handled outside his box. A furious Silver Fox disputed whether the incident took place outside or inside the area - as far as I could tell, his feet definitely strayed out but it didn't look as though the whole of the ball was carried over the line.

That meant a surprise appearance for Steve Harper, at the expense of HBA, and an extremely nervy finale in which Bobby Zamora and Andros Townsend both had efforts that had us momentarily terrified but then sighing with relief. We made it through to what was just our second away victory of the campaign, though, and with it Premier League safety. With 5under1and held to a 1-1 draw at home to Southampton, we're suddenly rooting for Wigan to capitalise on the momentum of their against-the-odds FA Cup triumph and beat both Arsenal and Villa this coming week, and for Spurs to continue their pursuit of Champions League football and deliver the Mackems a knockout blow at White Hart Lane on Sunday.

No doubt the recriminations and post-mortem inquest into how a top-five side can only escape relegation on the penultimate weekend of the following season will begin in earnest soon. For now, though, let's just take a deep breath and savour the fact that we won't be having to dig out the maps to find our way to Doncaster and Bournemouth next year, at least.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Lurking for Loic

Might we be able to get revenge on 'Appy 'Arry? The Metro seems to think so, reporting that we're waiting in the wings to activate a release clause and sign up Loic £emy on a free if QPR are relegated. The Frenchman is currently doing well in a struggling side and scored a spectacular goal against Wigan at the weekend - but, after his shoddy treatment of the club in January, whether our supporters would be behind him is another matter entirely. What's more, in all likelihood it wouldn't really be revenge - if the Hoops do go down, 'Appy 'Arry will probably scarper faster than if he'd heard the taxman knocking, and they'll be only too happy to get a high earner off the wage bill.

Best Buddies

While our first team was busy getting cheated out of a point (if not all three) at the DW Stadium, other Toon employees past and present were enjoying an equally eventful Sunday afternoon.

St Mirren's capture of the Scottish League Cup, their first silverware for more than 25 years, at the expense of Hearts owed a great deal to players borrowed from another side in black and white stripes south of the border. Left-back Paul Dummett supplied the assist for the Buddies' second goal, which swung the match in their favour for the first time, before fellow loanee Conor Newton rifled in what turned out to be the winner. A cup triumph in front of more than 44,000 people probably beats turning out for the Reserves each week.

There was less delight for the Silver Fox's predecessor Chris Hughton as his Norwich side travelled to the Dark Place. They were in the lead when goalkeeper Mark Bunn was harshly red-carded for handling outside the area, before old boy Sebastien Bassong was penalised for handling inside, despite Steven Fletcher being offside in the build-up. Craig Gardner scored the resulting penalty but the misfiring Mackems rarely looked likely to get a win and Hughton will be happy enough with a point in the circumstances.

Meanwhile, Saturday saw Jermaine Jenas grab his second goal in successive games on loan at QPR. The first helped defeat the Mackems at Loftus Road last week, and the latest gave 'Appy 'Arry's multi-million-pound mob the lead at Villa Park, but they couldn't hang on and remain deep in trouble.

Quote of the day

"When everything's going well and you're scoring goals, you're the king of the town. You can drive at 340km/h, go to nightclubs, and no-one says anything. But as soon as things start going less well, tongues start to wag."

If his playboy braggadocio is anything to go by, we're even better off without Loic £emy than I thought.

Incidentally, he revealed in the same interview that he never actually wanted to leave Marseille in January, but found himself forced out against his will. Of course, there were then two choices: Newcastle or London, nightclubs and a sackload of cash...

No magic Rem-edy for 'Appy 'Arry

"£8m QPR striker Loic Remy could be out for two months". Groin knack, apparently. What a terrible shame.

Still, at least he won't have to scrap for time on the treatment table with the Little Waster, now plying his trade (no doubt only very occasionally) on Smogside.

Florian not joining the French Foreign Legion

Florian Thauvin must be very small to have slipped through the massive net we've been using to trawl Ligue 1 for new players this month. The highly-rated youngster was the subject of serious interest from ourselves and Arsenal, but has instead opted to remain in France, signing for Debuchy and Dreamboat's old club Lille. Oh well, you can't win 'em all.

We could yet sneak in another Frenchman before the transfer window shuts, though, with the Sun among several sources claiming an approach for Standard Liege's William Vainqueur. The 24-year-old is a midfielder, though, and I'd hope we'd be more concerned with adding to our striking options, if anything.

Meanwhile, Deadline Day is proving as frantic as ever for our old chum 'Appy 'Arry down at QPR, who has drafted in Christopher Samba from Anzhi Makhachkala for a club record transfer fee of £12.5m and wages of £100,000 a week. I wonder who it was who, in the wake of a December defeat at St James', declared: "You shouldn't be paying massive wages when you've got a stadium that holds 18,000 people"? Answers on a postcard.

As BBC Sport's David Ornstein has pointed out, the terms of the Samba deal are essentially identical to those the Hoops declined in the summer on the grounds of protecting their finances. With their wealthy financial backer, the club's only insurance policy, threatening to walk away because of people saying nasty things about him on Twitter, what could possibly go wrong?

Peter and the wolf Churchill dog

It's emerged as a result of the friction and dispute between Peter Odemwingie and his club, West Brom, that we apparently showed serious interest in him at one stage. In one of a series of tweets that have since been deleted, the grumpy Nigerian forward commented: "Last season January window is when I should have handed in transfer request. Was one foot in Rubin Kazan - not for sale. Fulham. Not for sale. Newcastle. Not for sale. Wigan. Not for sale."

It would be hard to square that interest with our transfer policy - Odemwingie is now 31 - and in any case I think we're certainly better off without him. He's been chuntering on about a possible move to QPR - lest we forget, from a team in the top half to the Premier League's basement club - as "a new opportunity" and enthusing about the "chance to play under the stewardship of one of the most respected managers in the game" (remarkably, that seems to refer to 'Appy 'Arry), when in truth what's behind his lust for life at Loftus Road is exactly what lured Loic £emy there too: a bumper pay-day.

For his part, 'Appy 'Arry has commented: "It's a bit of a difficult situation for West Brom. It's not worked out in an ideal way. The whole situation has become a bit too public really, hasn't it?" Funny, that, coming from someone who's not averse to making these things public when it's in his interest. He continued: "We made an enquiry. The enquiry leaked out and obviously the player decided he wanted to come to London and that's how it has worked out". He just can't help himself continually trying to unsettle other clubs' players, can he? You wonder what Stoke and Anzhi Makhachkala make of his declarations about Peter Crouch and Christopher Samba respectively...

Cash converter

So, as we feared, Loic Remy has been stolen from right under our noses by 'Appy 'Arry, lured to Loftus Road by the prospect of piles of lucre. As if our dislike for that saggy-faced wanker wasn't sufficiently strong already. First he sets in motion the process of Demba Ba's departure by trumpeting his release clause from the rooftops, and then, when we source and line up a replacement, he sneaks in and trumps our offer.

However, as .com and TBW (among others) have pointed out, perhaps we shouldn't dwell too long on the affair, stewing in our own bitterness - perhaps, in fact, we've successfully if unwittingly dodged a bullet. Remy has hardly played for Marseille this season so won't be match-fit, and has only found the net on one of his few appearances. The fact that he's joined a club sitting bottom of the league over one that finished fifth last year and that can still offer European football speaks volumes about what exactly has motivated the move. Over recent years much work has been done to rid the club of mercenaries - the sort of mercenaries who litter QPR's bloated current squad and who 'Appy 'Arry blasted in his post-match interview at St James' Park just before Christmas, oddly enough...

On the other hand - and knowing our luck - Remy may help to fire QPR up the table, which would have a negative knock-on impact on our own survival chances.

Quote of the day

"He's a good player. You'd love to have him here but he belongs to West Ham. If he has a clause in his contract, he's a player we'd like to have."

No sooner has the clause in Demba Ba's contract been activated by Chelsea than 'Appy 'Arry is busy unsettling another club's player with talk of release clauses. The player in question is West Ham's Mohamed Diame - wonder what Fat Sam will make of that.

'Arry's comments appear within a BBC article on Wesley Sneijder, seemingly surplus to requirements at Inter Milan. According to his agent, the Dutch midfielder is open to the possibility of a move to England but is "absolutely not interested" in joining 'Arry's QPR. I wonder whether the Silver Fox could pull off the same trick he managed with Mathieu Debuchy and convince Sneijder that, despite appearances to the contrary, we are a big club and last season wasn't a flash in the pan...

Big Lad, big goal

Newcastle Utd 1 - 0 QPR

So it seems Big Lad doesn't just save up his priceless goals for the Mackems after all. After an instantly forgettable 81 minutes on Saturday, the second-half substitute struck to secure a precious three points that were greeted with relief as much as elation in the stands. An equally relieved Silver Fox declared: "He's a big man and this was a big occasion and he likes big occasions."

The manager had selected the same starting XI defeated by Man City, meaning that Spidermag was once again part of the front three ahead of a very defensive-looking midfield of Mr T, Perchinho and Vurnon Anita. However, the key to our chances of success arguably lay in how the visitors responded to gaining their very first win of the Premier League season last weekend - would QPR be buoyed by getting that particular monkey off their backs or would they turn in the sort of listless, lacklustre display that had seen them go sixteen matches without a victory? The former scenario seemed more likely (and more typical of our luck this season), but thankfully it was the latter scenario that played itself out - and we took advantage, just.

The first half probably had both sets of fans ruing the fact that, despite the incessant downpour and sodden pitch, the game had been declared playable. What few genuine attempts there were to play football came from those in black and white, but even then we barely mustered an effort on goal of note. Perchinho and Mike Williamson both tried their luck, while Demba Ba ballooned a couple of free kicks hopelessly high into the stands. I wonder if he could forgive the direct tactics on this occasion on account of the conditions, at least?

The second half surely promised better - but we were almost caught cold early on, Adel Taarabt pulling a few tricks out of his sleeve to set up Djibril Cisse, but to our relief the ex-Mackem couldn't hit the target. Even more frustrated was his namesake in black and white, Papiss, who, after missing a headed chance on the hour mark, was withdrawn and made his displeasure at the decision abundantly obvious by refusing to shake the Silver Fox's hand and throwing a bit of a touchline tantrum. Whither the permasmiling, permascoring striker of last season?

His replacement was Big Lad, but it was the fit-again Obertan Kenobi, on for Spidermag, who made the most immediate impact, injecting a bit of pace and spark into our attack. When the vital goal arrived, it was created by a third substitute, Sylvain Marveaux, who had only been on the pitch for four minutes before slipping in Big Lad on the right. One neat turn to befuddle Taarabt later, our occasional talisman curled a delicious left-footer past Robert Green that was totally out of keeping with the rest of the match. The Silver Fox's substitutions had been greeted with incomprehension and booing, but here, indisputably, was vindication.

It could have been more comfortable thereafter had Marveaux scored with either a shot that Green saved or a free kick that skidded wide - though it could also have been much grimmer had Taarabt's own effort from a dead ball situation, deep into stoppage time, not been kept out by the otherwise underemployed Tim Krul.

Post-match, while 'Appy 'Arry enviously commented that we had useful options on the bench (yes, for the first time in ages) and bemoaned the fact that many of the players he's inherited are overpaid and underperforming (can't argue there), the Silver Fox took to the pitch to thank the fans, rather than dwelling on the reaction his substitutions received. "I feel sorry for our fans", he admitted. "We have put them through the rack, really, over this last period. They have watched some football that hasn't been our best." Not exactly a revelation, but nevertheless respect due for acknowledging it - and on this occasion it was the win and not the performance that was critical, especially given that we've played better of late to no reward.

There are negatives, of course: the fifth yellow card of the season that rules Mr T out of the Boxing Day trip to Old Trafford - one which is followed by another daunting away day at the Emirates; the fact that, of our three senior strikers, both Ba and Cisse are now mightily disgruntled and match-winner Big Lad may well be jetting off to the Africa Cup of Nations in January.

But, for the moment, let's just savour those three points, and the five-point cushion we now have insulating us from the drop zone. Happy Christmas? No. Happier Christmas? Yes.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2012/3: Part 2

Time for the second instalment of our look at the teams we'll be facing this coming season...

QPR

"There is no way we will be in this situation again in my time here". So said Mark Hughes in the wake of QPR's final-day escape from relegation, and their feverish transfer activity over the summer certainly bears out that determination. No doubt nettled by the fact that they had been promoted as champions and yet saw their Championship inferiors Norwich and Swansea both survive in comfort and no little style, the West Londoners have gone into recruitment overdrive. Astute acquisitions are everywhere. Mark Hughes returned to his old stomping ground Old Trafford to pick up the crumbs from Taggart's table (the ever-reliable and hard-working Ji-Sung Park and loanee Fabio) and was a key factor in persuading Blackburn's much sought-after out-of-contract Junior Hoilett to sign. Samba Diakite is a significant upgrade on Shaun Derry, while in Djibril Cisse, Bobby Zamora and Andrew Johnson they've assembled a trio of strikers who, though all the wrong side of thirty, certainly know how to find the net in the top flight.

This coming season Hughes has every right to expect much more from two of his flair players, Adel Taarabt and Shaun Wright-Phillips, but also has the managerial migraine that is ASBO to contend with, our old boy beginning the campaign banned, fined and stripped of the captaincy for his misdemeanours in that sensational game at the Etihad. If there's a worry for the club as a whole, it's hubris - they may be in danger of overreaching and overstretching themselves in pursuit of success. Just ask Portsmouth how that can pan out.

Reading

I'd imagine it feels pretty good to be a Reading fan right now. Having hit form at exactly the right time and surfed the wave to secure the Championship title, the Royals are now returning to the Premier League under new ownership, with the promise of significant investment that that entails, albeit in a stadium still bearing the former owner's name. The team's achievements have been accomplished under the calm, methodical stewardship of Brian McDermott, an excellent example of the value of old Liverpool strategy of promoting from within.

McDermott's greatest transfer coup has been to persuade Pavel Pogrebnyak that, despite a fruitful loan spell with Fulham, his future lies in Berkshire. His was the marquee signing that served as a statement of intent, but Reading have also been canny in recruiting less flashy reinforcements across the back line in the form of Chris Gunter, Adrian Mariappa and former Royal Nicky Shorey, while Danny Guthrie will add experience (if not class and dining etiquette) to the midfield. However, it's doubtful that some of their most impressive Championship performers will be as effective at the higher level. Jimmy Kebe, for instance, will find life much tougher faced with Premier League full-backs. Adam Le Fondre, meanwhile, is a throwback to the days of predatory fox-in-the-box poachers, when the modern Premier League striker needs to be a much more complete footballer.

Southampton

How things change. In autumn 2008 Portsmouth were taking on and nearly beating AC Milan in Europe, while south coast rivals Southampton ended the season in administration and relegated to League One. Fast forward three years and, while Pompey are in League One without a single senior player on their books and the threat of liquidation hanging over them, the Saints are back in the big time. If they can get beyond the Schadenfreude and start looking for inspiration, then Norwich are proof positive that survival after two consecutive promotions is possible. Star striker Rickie Lambert will no doubt have noted Grant Holt's success at bullying and breaching Premier League defences while the more celebrated likes of Rocky floundered.

Lambert's strike partner is likely to be former Burnley man Jay Rodriguez, for whom Southampton perhaps unwisely smashed their record transfer fee. Throw Billy Sharp, another Championship stalwart, into the mix and it's clear that the Saints are taking a considerable gamble on goalscorers unproven in the Premier League. They've done well to snap up highly-rated Palace youngster Nathaniel Clyne, and already boast the talented Adam Lallana and Team GB representative Jack Cork in midfield, but question marks hang over their strength in depth. It'll be interesting to see whether manager Nigel Adkins can keep up his Mr Nice Guy persona in the face of the stresses, strains and psychological mind games he'll endure in the top flight. It might not be long before he's missing his Football League Show banter with Mark "Clem" Clemmit - and there's a chance they might get to resume their pally encounters in a year's time.

Stoke

If you're looking for subtlety, finesse and grace and find yourself at the Britannia Stadium, then either you need to invest in a new satnav or you've arrived on false pretences - Jonathan Woodgate was let go earlier this summer. Even when Stoke scored a contender for goal of the season (as Peter Crouch's effort against Man City was, until Papiss Cisse took aim against Chelsea), it's notable that the ball never touched the ground from the 'keeper's kick to hitting the back of the net. Yes, the Potters have a system and they're sticking to it - unsurprisingly, given that it's proven brutally effective for four successive seasons now and enabled them to survive and flourish despite minimal financial outlay. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" seems to be the club's motto - though things do often break when they're around, namely noses...

Last summer Crouch replaced Kenwyne Jones as the large of Stoke's little-and-large strike partnership, and Tony Pulis is now looking to upgrade on the little, eager to land Little Saint Mick as an improvement on Jonathan Walters. The baseball-capped Welshman is nothing if not pragmatic, having responded to the hefty price tag Wolves hung around Matt Jarvis' neck by promptly signing fellow winger Michael Kightly instead. The good news for Stoke's opponents is that bogeyman Rory Delap is nearing the end of his career; the bad news is that his protege Ryan Shotton is developing his own version of the Irishman's fabled throw-in, capable of causing as much panic in defences as the sight of salad in a kebab does in Sunderland.

Sunderland

Speak of the devils. The Mackems seem to have been having great trouble attracting players to the Dark Place. Funny, that. Most pressing was a new striker - Niklas Bendtner has returned to Arsenal and Asamoah Gyan has sealed his escape, while of those left Stephane Sessegnon couldn't make it into double figures last season, Connor Wickham has failed to live up to even the most modest expectations and Fraizer Campbell is far more familiar with the physio than he is with his teammates. Little wonder, then, that they were so desperate to sweet-talk free agent Louis Saha into joining and remain keen on snaring Wolves' Steven Fletcher. To date, their only other new signing has been Carlos Cuellar, another past-his-best defender to keep Wes Brown and John O'Shea company.

Nevertheless, there remains some hope even for these most hopeless of wretches. Sunderland are strongest on the flanks, where Sebastian Larsson provides Beckham-esque delivery and recently unearthed talent James McClean offers energy and penetration, and in Martin O'Neill they're undeservedly blessed with a potential saviour. How long before he acknowledges that having Lee Cattermole - a player who makes ASBO look like a tranquillised Buddhist - as captain is a car crash just waiting to happen?

Swansea

Through the tenures of Roberto Martinez, Paulo Sousa and Brendan Rodgers, Swansea have developed a footballing philosophy that is the complete antithesis of Stoke's, and the new man charged with its exposition is Michael Laudrup. The Dane has called upon his connections in pursuing a transfer policy that has seemed largely focused on players with single names who either sound like Pokemon characters (Michu) or conjure up deeply unpleasant repressed memories of X Factor contestants (Chico). One exception is Dutch midfielder Jonathan De Guzman, borrowed from Villareal and set to make a big impression at the Liberty Stadium.

As a former winger himself, Laudrup will presumably be keen to ensure the Swans continue to use pacy wide men Scott Sinclair, Nathan Dyer and Wayne Routledge to their best advantage. He's no doubt less than enamoured of his predecessor's attempts to lure his best players to Liverpool - Joe Allen has already left, and Rodgers is rumoured to be lining up a bid to take Ashley Williams to Anfield too. Together with Angel Rangel, Neil Taylor and Spurs loanee Steven Caulker, Williams was critical in creating the circumstances in which Swansea's rightly lauded total football could thrive last season - if Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins allow that supporting wall to be removed, the whole edifice might collapse.

Spurs

How very typical that Spurs should trounce us 5-0 immediately before embarking on a catastrophic run of form that ultimately deprived them of Champions League qualification and cost 'Appy 'Arry his job. That resulted in Andre Villas-Boas being granted a second crack of the Premier League whip, and he was soon at loggerheads with Luka Modric, the Croatian the subject of intense transfer speculation for the second successive summer and someone who Chelsea, under the Portuguese, were eager to recruit. Thus far Spurs have just about won the battle, as they have with Gareth Bale, but Modric now looks increasingly likely to be lining up for Jose Mourinho's Real Madrid.

In between trying to fight off unwanted attention for the pair, Daniel Levy has spent much of the summer wrangling with Emmanuel Adebayor and his representatives, still unable to agree personal terms on a deal for the man who spearheaded the attack last term. Jermain Defoe might be itching for more regular first-team football, but without Adebayor (or a suitable alternative) Spurs look woefully short-staffed up front. On a more positive note, Belgian centre-back Jan Vertonghen is an excellent addition, especially in light of Ledley King's retirement, and may perhaps be partnered by Steven Caulker, who's on the cusp of a major breakthrough. Gylfi Sigurdsson, fresh from making a huge impact on loan at Swansea, has chosen Spurs over Liverpool and bolsters an already impressive midfield in which Sandro continues to look more assured. Factor in Kyle Walker, arguably the best right-back in the division at present, and Rafael van der Vaart, desperate to put the Netherlands' dismal performance at Euro 2012 behind him, and Spurs have the potential to mount a reasonable title challenge - assuming they aren't fed any dodgy lasagne, that is.

West Brom

Though 'Arry had looked odds-on to land the England job, it eventually went to Roy Hodgson, leaving West Brom seeking a replacement. They found one in the form of Steve Clarke, once of this parish and until recently Kenny Dalglish's number two, who followed Hodgson's footsteps from Anfield to the Hawthorns via a brief period of unemployment. Whether he is able to make himself comfortable or barely has time to singe his buttocks on the managerial hotseat depends partly on the success of his signings.

A primary objective appears to have been to beef up the front line, with disgruntled Chelsea youth Romelu Lukaku and experienced Swedish marksman Markus Rosenberg set to give the likes of Peter Odemwingie and Shane Long serious competition. Midfield recruits Claudio Yacob and Yassine El Ghanassy are a more unknown quantity, while Ben Foster has now swapped Birmingham for the Black Country on a permanent basis. However, it's largely players like Chris Brunt and Jonas Olsson, unheralded by many other than Baggies supporters, who have been instrumental in the club's survival - and may well be again.

West Ham

When West Ham clinched an immediate return to the top tier through the play-offs, the overriding emotion was probably one of relief. Had the Hammers not squeaked through against Blackpool, their retention of players on Premier League wages and riskily substantial January expenditure might well have resulted in financial meltdown. The crucial goal that day was scored by Ricardo Vaz Te, a mid-season recruit finally coming good on the early promise he showed at Bolton. Fat Sam doesn't seem to have much faith in his other strikers Carlton Cole, Nicky Maynard and Sam Baldock, having taken the gamble we weren't prepared to take on Modibo Maiga and expressing unrequited love for Rocky.

QPR's acquisition of Robert Green led to the purchase of not one but two new 'keepers, veteran Jussi Jaaskelainen and Stephen Henderson both happy to be offered escape routes from relegated Bolton and Portsmouth respectively. Fat Sam's sides are rarely a soft touch - usually quite the opposite - and the addition of Mohamed Diame and Alou Diarra to the midfield should ensure that the Hammers are combative where it matters most. Mark Noble and James Tomkins are both a year older and wiser, and, with our former skipper Kevin Nolan adept at the art of popping up unexpectedly in the six-yard area like a mole with an unerring sense of timing, Upton Park probably won't be playing host to Championship football for at least another year.

Wigan

Just what is it that's keeping Roberto Martinez at Wigan? Surely it can't be the prospect of yet another season of struggle, working alchemical magic to turn base metals like Franco di Santo into something with at least the occasional lustre of gold? Maybe Dave Whelan shackles the Spaniard in his cellar every May. With attractive vacancies aplenty in the Premier League this summer (Liverpool, Spurs, Villa), it's remarkable that one of the division's shrewdest and most likeable managers will once again begin the season in the DW dugout.

Survival last season was secured without the assistance of Hugo Rodallega, the contract rebel frozen out of the first team (potentially a classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face) and now at Fulham. His replacement is Arouna Kone, fresh from a productive loan spell at Levante. The Ivorian striker might not be the most loyal of players, though - he'd only inked a permanent deal with the Spaniish outfit in May... Martinez has also looked to La Liga to stiffen up his defence, stealing Real Mallorca's Ivan Ramis from under Fat Sam's snout, while (thus far successfully) fending off Chelsea's menacing approach for midfield gem Victor Moses. Given the Latics' extraordinary ability to scrape to safety against all the odds, only a fool would predict relegation - so allow me to do the honours.

ASBO: Wanker's poison dwarf

Oh Colin, don't say you weren't warned.

Colin Wanker, recently sacked by QPR, has complained that the club's owners were "slowly poisoned" against him by comments from players on Twitter. And, by implication, one player in particular: ASBO, the man he brought to the club and promptly installed as captain.

ASBO, of course, isn't one to take such comments lying down, and has responded with a volley of verbal jabs on - you guessed it - Twitter. He's bluntly labelled Wanker's attempt to pin the blame on others as "embarrassing".

Forgetting for a moment the fact that seeing the pair publicly at each other's throats is immensely entertaining, it should be pointed out that we were quite clear how disruptive an influence ASBO could be behind the scenes, seemingly incapable of keeping his lip buttoned, instead intent on challenging authority and attempting to carry others with him. In the wake of his departure, The Silver Fox too admitted as much: "In the past they've had a few names who weren't pulling 100 per cent. I look around my dressing room and I don't have anybody like that".

So, while Wanker sits and seethes, and ASBO uses that copy of his former manager's autobiography to wipe his arse, Mark Hughes must be pondering how exactly to deal with the biggest headache he's inherited. And then solve the mystery of the Little Waster's separation anxiety with respect to treatment tables...

Hoops O'Bested

Newcastle Utd 1 - 0 QPR

A brilliant finish from Leon O'Best was enough to overcome a limited QPR side at St James' Park yesterday.

With Colin Wanker having been handed his P45 and ASBO suspended, new manager Mark Hughes obviously took little time in instilling his footballing philosophy into his new charges. Admittedly his take on footballing philosophy is much less "total football" and far more "total wipe-out" with his team repeatedly guilty of committing late challenges in a bid to unsettle our side.

In some ways it was probably a blessing that Mr T was absent for this match, as I suspect he'd have been less inclined to rise above the physical challenge presented by the visitors and probably seek to exact his own form of direct justice. As it was, we demonstrated admirable restraint and as a result didn't pick up a single booking, unlike the visitors for whom four players were carded and Shaun Derry was perhaps slightly fortunate to remain on the pitch after he lost control of the ball and slid through Dreamboat in a bid to get it back.

That tackle, coming midway through the first half, saw the Frenchman depart on a stretcher and the arrival of HBA as a replacement. (Thankfully, the Silver Fox suggested that the injury was nothing too serious in his post-match interview).

We started the game sluggishly, with Dreamboat as guilty as the next man of some wasteful play and a general torpor across both players and fans, and it was the visitors who enjoyed the better of the opening exchanges. Tim Krul twice had to make decent saves, and Shaun Wright-Phillips shaved the cross bar from distance.

However, Dreamboat's departure saw the Silver Fox rejig our formation, abandoning 4-4-2 in favour of a fluid 4-2-3-1 which saw HBA, Spidermag and O'Best spread behind Big Lad, with Raylor and the returning Danny Guthrie sitting slightly deeper in midfield. The resultant shift saw us enjoy more time on the ball, and while our final ball into the box was often lacking, either in terms of quality or intended recipients (with Big Lad often alone in the box), we began to dominate the game.

Eventually, that pressure began to tell, with Raylor seeing a long-range shot touched round the post, and a number of corners forcing the visitors to defend. The goal came after a chipped ball from Spidermag was headed down by Big Lad in to the path of the on-rushing Raylor (I think, although it could have been Guthrie) who stumbled, but still managed to touch the ball out to O'Best. He controlled the ball beautifully and shifted it on to his right, nutmegged Luke Young and then slotted the ball calmly past Paddy Kenny, having sent the 'keeper the wrong way. It was a fine goal and should hopefully do our Irish striker's confidence the world of good.

From there on, it was simply a case of protecting our lead, with QPR lacking the subtlety in midfield or the finishing prowess up front to really trouble our defence. A Jay Bothroyd shot which was easily saved by Krul being their best chance of forcing an undeserved equaliser.

With fifteen minutes to go the Silver Fox introduced James Perch for Raylor and Perch took up a position just in front of the back four, enabling him to effectively screen our defence. At the other end, one moment of skill from HBA almost brought a second as he accelerated away from his man and slid a great ball out to the left. O'Best's cross in looked destined for Big Lad, only to be nudged out of his reach at the last second. However, one goal was always likely to be enough to ensure we took the points and moved above Liverpool into sixth.

Unlike our previous home league match, this was hardly a classic, albeit one in which Santon (bedding himself in at left-back) O'Best (who worked tirelessly and took his goal very well) and Guthrie (deservedly receiving plaudits after an excellent all-round display) all stood out. HBA too looked very good when he came on, and his dynamism, allied to the Silver Fox's tactical change, marked a significant shift in the balance of the game, which ultimately gave us the victory.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Aye Ayatollah

Not content with broadcasting his opinions via Twitter, ASBO has seized the offer of a soap box provided by QPR podcast Open All R's to reignite old feuds: "The manager was different class but I wouldn't want to go back and work for those two cretins. Ashley is the Ayatollah. Nothing happens without his say".

His dislike of Jabba and Lambiarse and subsequent departure wasn't just a personality clash, or the result of his having issues with authority, though - apparently it revolved around a more general dispute over bonuses. Certainly ASBO's talk of insubordination from senior players filtering "back to boardroom level", and of Jabba being determined to wield "power and control", would help to explain the exits of Kevin Nolan and Chris Hughton, as well as the sidelining of Steve Harper and Alan Smith.

Whatever the truth, though, one thing's for sure: if I was a QPR fan, I'd be getting increasingly irritated with how much greater interest ASBO seems to have in his previous club than in his current one...

Linesmen to the rescue

QPR 0 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Who says the international break is disruptive? We returned to Premier League action with a performance very much the same as the last - namely, poor and probably deserving of nothing but nevertheless ultimately rewarding. For that, we had linesmen to thank - not the two officials scampering up and down, but Danny Simpson and Steven Taylor, both of whom cleared Rangers' efforts off our line in a fraught first half.

Alan Pardew made just the one change to the starting line-up, replacing Peter Lovenkrands - utterly ineffectual against Fulham - with the fit-again Big Lad. That meant a two-pronged strikeforce with Leon Best - cue Gary Neville informing Sky viewers that it was good to see two "local lads ... who've come through the ranks together" starting up front...

This decision represented a change of approach since our last away trip to the Stadium of Shite and, in truth, it didn't work - in the first half especially, QPR's 4-3-3 formation caused us innumerable problems. It didn't help that Gabriel Obertan and Spidermag were as unhelpful defensively as they were limp attacking down the flanks, or that Mr T again looked off the pace and Yohan Cabaye turned in his worst display in black and white - but, in fairness to our central pairing, Pardew had left them outnumbered. Perhaps a combative player in the mould of our opponents' captain would have been useful in the circumstances...

Little wonder that the first half was orchestrated by mercurial Moroccan Adel Taarabt, revelling in the freedom afforded to him, and by Shaun Wright-Phillips, relishing a first top-flight start in a year against Ryan Taylor, a left-back with no left foot (Davide Santon, watching from the bench, won't exactly be worried about his prospects of getting into the side). Had Jay Bothroyd - once upon a time rumoured to be interesting us - brought his shooting boots it might have been a different story, but the lanky striker in danger of becoming a one-cap wonder squandered two opportunities from perfect Wright-Phillips crosses, first ballooning a volley over from six yards when unmarked and then failing to get a touch as the ball fizzed low across the area.

Tim Krul's superb form thus far this season has justified his selection ahead of Steve Harper, but last night he was reliant on others to help preserve a third clean sheet in four. Simpson, at last putting in a good shift, repelled Bothroyd's header from the line, and shortly afterwards Steven Taylor repeated the feat, chasing back to head Wright-Phillips' chip away to safety brilliantly.

At the other end, our only real chance of note was created from nothing by Best, whose clever skill twice outwitted defenders and whose subsequent shot had portly pie-munching Hoops 'keeper Paddy Kenny at full stretch to tip it just around the post.

The second period also belonged to the hosts, though we did at least get to grips with Taarabt, Mr T upping his game somewhat. Wright-Phillips continued to threaten, though, most notably with a jinking run and long-range shot that flew narrowly wide of the near angle. The contrast between QPR's new winger and our wide men Obertan and Spidermag was alarming.

Thankfully what opportunities there were fell to Shaun Derry, not the most prolific goalscorer in the home team, and on two occasions he headed inviting headers wide. Obertan mustered one downward header for us before being replaced by Little Big Lad, who did at least inject a bit of enthusiasm into proceedings. I'd like to see him start against Blackburn, but suspect that Obertan's price tag will mean the Frenchman will get to keep his place. Of our other substitutes, Sylvain Marveaux made his Premier League debut and Demba Ba, on for Big Lad, looked moderately lively as we (and Krul in particular) ran down the clock for another useful result.

So, four games, three clean sheets, still unbeaten and currently occupying the final Champions League spot. All should be rosy, you'd imagine. It's not. Our unusual defensive resilience is to be once again applauded, but make no mistake - there'll come a time when we'll rue our chronic attacking deficiencies.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian