Bursting the bubble

My enemy's enemy is my friend. So goes the old adage - which explains the curious entente cordiale between Newcastle and 5under1and over the timing of, policing of and away fans' transportation to and from the forthcoming derby on 1st February.

The encounter was initially designated as a "bubble" match, meaning that all of the away supporters would have had to travel to St James' Park on official transport - a move allegedly determined by Northumbria Police. Fans of both clubs united to oppose this curb on individual freedom, with the Football Supporters' Federation throwing their considerable weight behind the challenge too. This led to a statement from the police force saying that they "cannot direct changes" to transport arrangements or kick-off times - which resulted in the Mackems bowing to supporter pressure and scrapping the bubble.

That wasn't the end of the story, though, with both clubs then following their fans' lead and joining together to condemn the police statement as "false and absurd". They went further, vowing to set derby kick-offs to suit themselves, the league and TV companies from now on and to expect the police just to turn up as required. Somewhere, there appear to have been some crossed wires...

Let's all laugh at Sunderland - including their own players

No matter how bad things are at Newcastle - and after events at the Etihad, they're pretty bad - at least we don't have our own players mocking the club that pays their wages. So well done to Phil Bardsley for giving us a good chuckle by allegedly celebrating the Mackems' opening-day defeat at home to Fulham. More evidence of Paolo Di Canio's extraordinary man management skills bearing fruit...

Know Your Enemies 2013/4: Part 2

And so to the second part of my assessment of our Premier League opponents (first part here), kicking off with the reigning champions...

Man Utd

He's gone - at last. While Taggart will no doubt find a use for his famous watch-tapping gesture when impatiently waiting at bus stops, free pass in hand, his successor has the unenviable task of carrying on where he left off. In some ways David Moyes made for a bold choice - someone unused to wielding a huge budget or, indeed, winning anything - but it was heartening to see an astute, hard-working manager who has paid his dues and whose side has consistently overachieved get the gig ahead of any of the more celebrated continental alternatives. It's not an appointment Chelsea would ever have made, frankly.

As if Moyes' task wasn't hard enough already, two factors have plagued him this summer. Firstly, there are the ongoing reports of Shrek being unsettled - not helped by the pair's falling out while at Everton or the Scot's public pronouncement that Robin van Persie is his automatic first choice. Secondly, there has been no flagship signing that would be a significant show of faith from the board. Moyes has rightly identified central midfield as an area of relative weakness, despite the availability of England regulars Michael Carrick and Tom Cleverley, but his dogged pursuit of first-choice target Cesc Fabregas looks to have been futile. Wilfried Zaha, signed from Crystal Palace in January but only now linking up with his parent club, looks an exciting prospect, but it's debatable whether he's the sort of player needed when Antonio Valencia, Ashley Young, Danny Welbeck and Nani are all still on the books. Third place looks a distinct possibility.

Norwich

Taking into account the stature of Premier League clubs relative to the calibre of players they've recruited, Norwich have arguably had the best summer of any club in the division. In particular, an all-new front line has been procured - skillful Dutchman Ricky van Wolfswinkel and free-scoring Celtic man Gary Hooper, at a combined cost of £13.5m, replacing outgoing Canaries legend Grant Holt, with Chris Martin and Simeon Jackson also departing. The midfield has been bolstered too, with the addition of Leroy Fer, a player nicknamed the Bouncer whom we were sniffing around three years ago.

Anyone fearing that the Canaries had abandoned their policy of cherry-picking the crop of Championship stars needn't have worried, though, with Nathan Redmond and Martin Olsson snapped up from Birmingham and Blackburn respectively. Chris Hughton's job now is to integrate the new players successfully into a team that has survived two seasons in the top flight on account of its hardworking, egalitarian ethic - no easy task. Van Wolfswinkel sounds like a character from a Brothers Grimm fairytale - time will tell if Norwich's season is a fairytale or just plain grim.

Southampton

At the time, the sacking of Nigel Adkins in January seemed to sum up everything that's wrong with the modern game. Here was an honest, decent manager given the boot by a short-sighted, over-ambitious chairman, despite having led the club to two successive promotions. Now, seven months on, you perhaps grudgingly have to admit that Nicola Cortese was right - the Saints looked better under the stewardship of Mauricio Pochettino and survived with relative ease.

Southampton could have a tough second season in store, but the Argentine has struck a couple of eyecatching deals over the summer, bringing in midfield enforcer Victor Wanyama and Croatian defender Dejen Lovren, and already has the likes of Gaston Ramirez and highly-rated youngster Luke Shaw to work with. The Saints can also boast a striker who has just scored a Wembley winner against Scotland with his very first touch in international football - a perfect pick-me-up just as the season is about to get underway.

Spurs

And so to the third major, protracted and thus far uneventful transfer saga of the summer, after Luis Suarez and Shrek. There would have been no prizes for guessing which Spurs player it would involve - scintillating form and spectacular goals (including no fewer than nine winners) meant that Gareth Bale very nearly secured the final Champions League spot for his side single-handedly. If Spurs are able to fend off Real Madrid's advances (and turn a blind eye to the offer of a world-record fee), then fourth is within their grasp courtesy of a trio of excellent acquisitions.

It was baffling that there seemed to be no competition for the signature of Paulinho, a fixture in the Brazilian midfield and substantially cheaper than Man City's Fernandinho, while Spanish striker Roberto Soldado (rumoured to have cost a hefty £26m) and Belgian winger Nacer Chadli also arrived. Clint Dempsey's decision to return to his native USA (and pick up a huge salary) after one solitary season at White Hart Lane surprised few people - likewise Tom Huddlestone's departure for new boys Hull, squeezed out by the likes of Paulinho and Sandro. However, the one major blot on their copybook was the sale of England international central defender Steven Caulker to Cardiff - utterly inexplicable, in light of William Gallas' release. Will it come back to bite them firmly on the derriere, just like the continued failure to identify Benoit Assou-Ekotto as a weak link in need of replacement?

Stoke

Ever since reaching the Premier League in 2008, Stoke have been much maligned (occasionally unfairly) for their style of play - but only last season did it become genuinely prosaic. Mark Hughes is as good a fit as any for Tony Pulis' replacement, but you do wonder whether this might turn out to be a case comparable to that of Alan Curbishley and Charlton in 2006 - the Potters board and fans felt they were stagnating and were happy for the manager to walk away, but it may be that what has seemed like a plateau is in fact a peak and that the only way is downhill.

Hughes has drafted in some intriguing buys, admittedly - Marc Muniesa from Barcelona (clearly in for quite a culture shock), one-time Newcastle target Erik Pieters and raw young American forward Juan Agudelo - but his side will be overly reliant on the ageing strike partnership of Peter Crouch and Jonathan Walters for goals. If they get off to a sticky start, then the three promoted clubs will find themselves with competition for the three relegation positions.

Sunderland

As Newcastle fans, it's tempting to caricature the Mackems' transfer policy as, in essence, throw enough shit at the wall and hope that some of it sticks. However, let's be honest and admit that, in light of our own club's extraordinary inactivity, we're just a teeny bit envious of the Dark Place's crowded arrivals lounge. As with Villa, it appears that a list of targets was compiled from scouting reports and that the board then set about swiftly and determinedly getting their men. Emanuele Giaccherini and Cabral in particular look like very useful additions to the side.

Aside from the numerous purchases, Paulo Di Canio's resolve to stamp his authority on the squad has also been demonstrated by the systematic dismantling of his predecessor's legacy. Martin O'Neill's two January signings, Danny Graham and Alfred N'Diaye, have both been deemed surplus to requirements and shipped out on loan, while James McClean, who initially flourished under the Northern Irishman's guidance, has been flogged off to Wigan. Here's hoping that none of the new signings acclimatise to the rigours of the Premier League, and that Di Canio has a complete meltdown at an inopportune moment - preferably in the aftermath of us exacting sweet revenge for that 3-0 defeat last season...

Swansea

The easiest-on-the-eye side in the top flight, guided to the first major trophy in their 100-year history and a place in Europe by someone who, as a player, won league titles with Ajax, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Juventus and has been named as his country's greatest ever. Yes, Swansea fans could be forgiven for pinching themselves. Not that the Swans' summer got off to a great start, though. Tensions between Michael Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins led to the club severing all ties with the Dane's agent, with the manager implying he might walk out, but somehow it never came to that.

Whether you regard Laudrup's agitating for significant expenditure on new recruits as thoroughly justified in view of his achievements last season and of their forthcoming European campaign (after all, we serve as a useful cautionary tale) or simply as a childish and petulant tantrum, he certainly got his way. A club record £12m was lavished on Mr T's Ivory Coast colleague Wilfried Bony, who will spearhead the attack. This will mean undisputed bargain of the last season Michu will play a little deeper, and while the Spaniard excelled at bursting into the box late to snap up crosses, you do wonder whether Bony's arrival might be to his detriment. Getting Jonathan de Guzman back on loan was a no-brainer, while La Liga was tapped for a further three new additions and no first-teamers have been spirited away. Penny for Scott Sinclair's thoughts...

West Brom

Of all the non-moves this summer, perhaps Peter Odemwingie's has been the most noteworthy. Who knows - he may have been busy frequenting the car parks of rival clubs in the hope of being offered a contract, but at the present moment he remains, most improbably, a West Brom employee. Steve Clarke's biggest headache, though, is how to fill the boots of Romelu Lukaku. The fact that he's signed two strikers - Nicolas Anelka, who has vowed to make the Baggies his sixth and final Premier League club, and Matej Vydra, last season's Championship Player of the Year while on loan at Watford - who are each in a very different mould suggests that he's not even going to try.

Uncompromising veteran centre-back Diego Lugano, Luis Suarez's captain at international level, will shore up a defence in which Jonas Olsson and Gareth McAuley looked increasingly fallible last year - a key reason why, despite Lukaku's heroics up front, West Brom slumped after a very promising start. If the same happens this year, and the Belgian does indeed prove irreplaceable, then at least Anelka, nicknamed the Incredible Sulk, will have Odemwhingy for company.

West Ham

If one thing's clear from West Ham's summer spending, it's that Fat Sam hasn't had some kind of Damascene conversion and embraced tiki-taka. After some suggestion that he'd be amenable to a return to his hometown club, Rocky signed for the Hammers, followed shortly afterwards by Stewart Downing, another player who had been linked with a move to St James' Park and the man to supply the ammunition. There's no doubt who were the prime beneficiaries of Brendan Rodgers' surplus-to-requirements firesale.

Even with Rocky, they look somewhat short up front, one-time Toon target Modibo Maiga having failed to live up to expectations. In midfield, Mohamed Diame can be an all-action powerhouse, but surely our former captain Kevin Nolan's ageing legs will prevent him from being so deadly in the box this time around? Meanwhile, the arrival of Romanian captain Razvan Rat from Shakhtar Donetsk will have the tabloid hacks rubbing their hands with glee - even if the prospect of watching hoofball at a freezing Upton Park in January doesn't.

Diabolical derby display

Newcastle Utd 0 - 3 The Great Unwashed

Well, that was all a bit shit really, wasn't it? Certainly not the introduction which our newest fan would have wanted.

Shuffling his pack after Thursday's Europa League exit, the Silver Fox welcomed back Saylor, Goofy, Mathieu Debuchy, Mr T and Sylvain Marveaux to the starting XI. With Santon still injured, he opted to deploy Spidermag at left-back rather than stick with Massadio Haidara.

While we had some fresh legs on the pitch, equally there were a number of players, Dreamboat included, for whom this was the fourth game in 11 days and, to be blunt, it showed. In the first half, we looked off the pace, continually second best to a team enjoying the dead-cat bounce of a new manager and undoubtedly benefiting from not having played in midweek.

With Adam Johnson and Stephane Sessegnon looking threatening for the visitors, we were perhaps fortunate not to concede an early penalty for a Saylor tug on Toon fan Danny Graham. We were undone soon enough, when Spidermag cut infield before playing a poor square pass which allowed 5unde1and to break quickly and Sessegnon took full advantage with a shot from outside the box which just found the bottom corner.

At the other end, we nearly got back into it, with Papiss Cisse drawing a good save at point blank range from Simon Mignolet, and then testing the 'keeper again a few minutes later with a longer-range shot which saw Mignolet at full stretch.

As is expected in a derby, even one in which Lee Clattermole isn't playing, tackles were still flying in with Goofy fortunate to only get booked after going over the top of the ball, while Saylor was perhaps unlucky to be booked challenging for a loose ball in the penalty area. For the Mackems, Danny Rose picked up a yellow for a two-footed lunge on Debuchy.

At half-time, the Silver Fox turned to Big Lad, in the hope that he could carry on his Mackem-slaying heroics of recent years. It wasn't long before the bench was again in use as Tim Krul departed in obvious pain, with a dislocated shoulder.

What was apparent was that we at last looked to have raised our tempo, and we started to take the game to 5under1and and looked to be back on terms when Cisse fired home from a tight angle, latching on to Moussa Sissoko's knock-down from Marveaux's free kick, only for the linesman to wrongly rule it out for off-side.

HBA was introduced in place of the flagging Dreamboat in the hope that he could reprise his impact from Thursday night, and he nearly did so, heading over from close in.

Having had one goal wrongly ruled out and having missed another good chance, we then allowed Adam Johnson too much space and he cut infield and curled a long-range shot past Elliot's outstretched hand.

As we continued to press forward, we were again caught with a sucker punch when Sessegnon again ran forward before cutting the ball to David Vaughan who was borderline offside. Vaughan took one touch before curling the ball into the far corner.

Much as it pains me to say it, on the balance of the whole game the better side left with the three points.  That said, if Cisse's goal had been allowed to stand, we'd have been back on terms and with the momentum we could well have gone on to win.

The Silver Fox pointed to tiredness after the match, and in some cases that may well have been true. However, it doesn't explain the fact that as a team we were all sluggish and particularly in the first half were second best too many times. Nevertheless, if the price to pay for further adventures in Europe is the occasional loss to a team who have fewer European goals as a club than Big Lad, it's possibly a price with paying (provided we don't have to pay it very often).

What we still need to do is focus on our remaining league games so that we can firstly pick up enough points to survive and secondly generate some momentum to take into the summer. If the Silver Fox can do that, then he'll be safe. If he can't then the murmurings of discontent which this result inevitably triggered may grow into a sizeable protesting voice.

Other reports:  BBC, Guardian (thankfully not TBW)

Know Your Enemies 2012/3: Part 2

Time for the second instalment of our look at the teams we'll be facing this coming season...

QPR

"There is no way we will be in this situation again in my time here". So said Mark Hughes in the wake of QPR's final-day escape from relegation, and their feverish transfer activity over the summer certainly bears out that determination. No doubt nettled by the fact that they had been promoted as champions and yet saw their Championship inferiors Norwich and Swansea both survive in comfort and no little style, the West Londoners have gone into recruitment overdrive. Astute acquisitions are everywhere. Mark Hughes returned to his old stomping ground Old Trafford to pick up the crumbs from Taggart's table (the ever-reliable and hard-working Ji-Sung Park and loanee Fabio) and was a key factor in persuading Blackburn's much sought-after out-of-contract Junior Hoilett to sign. Samba Diakite is a significant upgrade on Shaun Derry, while in Djibril Cisse, Bobby Zamora and Andrew Johnson they've assembled a trio of strikers who, though all the wrong side of thirty, certainly know how to find the net in the top flight.

This coming season Hughes has every right to expect much more from two of his flair players, Adel Taarabt and Shaun Wright-Phillips, but also has the managerial migraine that is ASBO to contend with, our old boy beginning the campaign banned, fined and stripped of the captaincy for his misdemeanours in that sensational game at the Etihad. If there's a worry for the club as a whole, it's hubris - they may be in danger of overreaching and overstretching themselves in pursuit of success. Just ask Portsmouth how that can pan out.

Reading

I'd imagine it feels pretty good to be a Reading fan right now. Having hit form at exactly the right time and surfed the wave to secure the Championship title, the Royals are now returning to the Premier League under new ownership, with the promise of significant investment that that entails, albeit in a stadium still bearing the former owner's name. The team's achievements have been accomplished under the calm, methodical stewardship of Brian McDermott, an excellent example of the value of old Liverpool strategy of promoting from within.

McDermott's greatest transfer coup has been to persuade Pavel Pogrebnyak that, despite a fruitful loan spell with Fulham, his future lies in Berkshire. His was the marquee signing that served as a statement of intent, but Reading have also been canny in recruiting less flashy reinforcements across the back line in the form of Chris Gunter, Adrian Mariappa and former Royal Nicky Shorey, while Danny Guthrie will add experience (if not class and dining etiquette) to the midfield. However, it's doubtful that some of their most impressive Championship performers will be as effective at the higher level. Jimmy Kebe, for instance, will find life much tougher faced with Premier League full-backs. Adam Le Fondre, meanwhile, is a throwback to the days of predatory fox-in-the-box poachers, when the modern Premier League striker needs to be a much more complete footballer.

Southampton

How things change. In autumn 2008 Portsmouth were taking on and nearly beating AC Milan in Europe, while south coast rivals Southampton ended the season in administration and relegated to League One. Fast forward three years and, while Pompey are in League One without a single senior player on their books and the threat of liquidation hanging over them, the Saints are back in the big time. If they can get beyond the Schadenfreude and start looking for inspiration, then Norwich are proof positive that survival after two consecutive promotions is possible. Star striker Rickie Lambert will no doubt have noted Grant Holt's success at bullying and breaching Premier League defences while the more celebrated likes of Rocky floundered.

Lambert's strike partner is likely to be former Burnley man Jay Rodriguez, for whom Southampton perhaps unwisely smashed their record transfer fee. Throw Billy Sharp, another Championship stalwart, into the mix and it's clear that the Saints are taking a considerable gamble on goalscorers unproven in the Premier League. They've done well to snap up highly-rated Palace youngster Nathaniel Clyne, and already boast the talented Adam Lallana and Team GB representative Jack Cork in midfield, but question marks hang over their strength in depth. It'll be interesting to see whether manager Nigel Adkins can keep up his Mr Nice Guy persona in the face of the stresses, strains and psychological mind games he'll endure in the top flight. It might not be long before he's missing his Football League Show banter with Mark "Clem" Clemmit - and there's a chance they might get to resume their pally encounters in a year's time.

Stoke

If you're looking for subtlety, finesse and grace and find yourself at the Britannia Stadium, then either you need to invest in a new satnav or you've arrived on false pretences - Jonathan Woodgate was let go earlier this summer. Even when Stoke scored a contender for goal of the season (as Peter Crouch's effort against Man City was, until Papiss Cisse took aim against Chelsea), it's notable that the ball never touched the ground from the 'keeper's kick to hitting the back of the net. Yes, the Potters have a system and they're sticking to it - unsurprisingly, given that it's proven brutally effective for four successive seasons now and enabled them to survive and flourish despite minimal financial outlay. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" seems to be the club's motto - though things do often break when they're around, namely noses...

Last summer Crouch replaced Kenwyne Jones as the large of Stoke's little-and-large strike partnership, and Tony Pulis is now looking to upgrade on the little, eager to land Little Saint Mick as an improvement on Jonathan Walters. The baseball-capped Welshman is nothing if not pragmatic, having responded to the hefty price tag Wolves hung around Matt Jarvis' neck by promptly signing fellow winger Michael Kightly instead. The good news for Stoke's opponents is that bogeyman Rory Delap is nearing the end of his career; the bad news is that his protege Ryan Shotton is developing his own version of the Irishman's fabled throw-in, capable of causing as much panic in defences as the sight of salad in a kebab does in Sunderland.

Sunderland

Speak of the devils. The Mackems seem to have been having great trouble attracting players to the Dark Place. Funny, that. Most pressing was a new striker - Niklas Bendtner has returned to Arsenal and Asamoah Gyan has sealed his escape, while of those left Stephane Sessegnon couldn't make it into double figures last season, Connor Wickham has failed to live up to even the most modest expectations and Fraizer Campbell is far more familiar with the physio than he is with his teammates. Little wonder, then, that they were so desperate to sweet-talk free agent Louis Saha into joining and remain keen on snaring Wolves' Steven Fletcher. To date, their only other new signing has been Carlos Cuellar, another past-his-best defender to keep Wes Brown and John O'Shea company.

Nevertheless, there remains some hope even for these most hopeless of wretches. Sunderland are strongest on the flanks, where Sebastian Larsson provides Beckham-esque delivery and recently unearthed talent James McClean offers energy and penetration, and in Martin O'Neill they're undeservedly blessed with a potential saviour. How long before he acknowledges that having Lee Cattermole - a player who makes ASBO look like a tranquillised Buddhist - as captain is a car crash just waiting to happen?

Swansea

Through the tenures of Roberto Martinez, Paulo Sousa and Brendan Rodgers, Swansea have developed a footballing philosophy that is the complete antithesis of Stoke's, and the new man charged with its exposition is Michael Laudrup. The Dane has called upon his connections in pursuing a transfer policy that has seemed largely focused on players with single names who either sound like Pokemon characters (Michu) or conjure up deeply unpleasant repressed memories of X Factor contestants (Chico). One exception is Dutch midfielder Jonathan De Guzman, borrowed from Villareal and set to make a big impression at the Liberty Stadium.

As a former winger himself, Laudrup will presumably be keen to ensure the Swans continue to use pacy wide men Scott Sinclair, Nathan Dyer and Wayne Routledge to their best advantage. He's no doubt less than enamoured of his predecessor's attempts to lure his best players to Liverpool - Joe Allen has already left, and Rodgers is rumoured to be lining up a bid to take Ashley Williams to Anfield too. Together with Angel Rangel, Neil Taylor and Spurs loanee Steven Caulker, Williams was critical in creating the circumstances in which Swansea's rightly lauded total football could thrive last season - if Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins allow that supporting wall to be removed, the whole edifice might collapse.

Spurs

How very typical that Spurs should trounce us 5-0 immediately before embarking on a catastrophic run of form that ultimately deprived them of Champions League qualification and cost 'Appy 'Arry his job. That resulted in Andre Villas-Boas being granted a second crack of the Premier League whip, and he was soon at loggerheads with Luka Modric, the Croatian the subject of intense transfer speculation for the second successive summer and someone who Chelsea, under the Portuguese, were eager to recruit. Thus far Spurs have just about won the battle, as they have with Gareth Bale, but Modric now looks increasingly likely to be lining up for Jose Mourinho's Real Madrid.

In between trying to fight off unwanted attention for the pair, Daniel Levy has spent much of the summer wrangling with Emmanuel Adebayor and his representatives, still unable to agree personal terms on a deal for the man who spearheaded the attack last term. Jermain Defoe might be itching for more regular first-team football, but without Adebayor (or a suitable alternative) Spurs look woefully short-staffed up front. On a more positive note, Belgian centre-back Jan Vertonghen is an excellent addition, especially in light of Ledley King's retirement, and may perhaps be partnered by Steven Caulker, who's on the cusp of a major breakthrough. Gylfi Sigurdsson, fresh from making a huge impact on loan at Swansea, has chosen Spurs over Liverpool and bolsters an already impressive midfield in which Sandro continues to look more assured. Factor in Kyle Walker, arguably the best right-back in the division at present, and Rafael van der Vaart, desperate to put the Netherlands' dismal performance at Euro 2012 behind him, and Spurs have the potential to mount a reasonable title challenge - assuming they aren't fed any dodgy lasagne, that is.

West Brom

Though 'Arry had looked odds-on to land the England job, it eventually went to Roy Hodgson, leaving West Brom seeking a replacement. They found one in the form of Steve Clarke, once of this parish and until recently Kenny Dalglish's number two, who followed Hodgson's footsteps from Anfield to the Hawthorns via a brief period of unemployment. Whether he is able to make himself comfortable or barely has time to singe his buttocks on the managerial hotseat depends partly on the success of his signings.

A primary objective appears to have been to beef up the front line, with disgruntled Chelsea youth Romelu Lukaku and experienced Swedish marksman Markus Rosenberg set to give the likes of Peter Odemwingie and Shane Long serious competition. Midfield recruits Claudio Yacob and Yassine El Ghanassy are a more unknown quantity, while Ben Foster has now swapped Birmingham for the Black Country on a permanent basis. However, it's largely players like Chris Brunt and Jonas Olsson, unheralded by many other than Baggies supporters, who have been instrumental in the club's survival - and may well be again.

West Ham

When West Ham clinched an immediate return to the top tier through the play-offs, the overriding emotion was probably one of relief. Had the Hammers not squeaked through against Blackpool, their retention of players on Premier League wages and riskily substantial January expenditure might well have resulted in financial meltdown. The crucial goal that day was scored by Ricardo Vaz Te, a mid-season recruit finally coming good on the early promise he showed at Bolton. Fat Sam doesn't seem to have much faith in his other strikers Carlton Cole, Nicky Maynard and Sam Baldock, having taken the gamble we weren't prepared to take on Modibo Maiga and expressing unrequited love for Rocky.

QPR's acquisition of Robert Green led to the purchase of not one but two new 'keepers, veteran Jussi Jaaskelainen and Stephen Henderson both happy to be offered escape routes from relegated Bolton and Portsmouth respectively. Fat Sam's sides are rarely a soft touch - usually quite the opposite - and the addition of Mohamed Diame and Alou Diarra to the midfield should ensure that the Hammers are combative where it matters most. Mark Noble and James Tomkins are both a year older and wiser, and, with our former skipper Kevin Nolan adept at the art of popping up unexpectedly in the six-yard area like a mole with an unerring sense of timing, Upton Park probably won't be playing host to Championship football for at least another year.

Wigan

Just what is it that's keeping Roberto Martinez at Wigan? Surely it can't be the prospect of yet another season of struggle, working alchemical magic to turn base metals like Franco di Santo into something with at least the occasional lustre of gold? Maybe Dave Whelan shackles the Spaniard in his cellar every May. With attractive vacancies aplenty in the Premier League this summer (Liverpool, Spurs, Villa), it's remarkable that one of the division's shrewdest and most likeable managers will once again begin the season in the DW dugout.

Survival last season was secured without the assistance of Hugo Rodallega, the contract rebel frozen out of the first team (potentially a classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face) and now at Fulham. His replacement is Arouna Kone, fresh from a productive loan spell at Levante. The Ivorian striker might not be the most loyal of players, though - he'd only inked a permanent deal with the Spaniish outfit in May... Martinez has also looked to La Liga to stiffen up his defence, stealing Real Mallorca's Ivan Ramis from under Fat Sam's snout, while (thus far successfully) fending off Chelsea's menacing approach for midfield gem Victor Moses. Given the Latics' extraordinary ability to scrape to safety against all the odds, only a fool would predict relegation - so allow me to do the honours.

Crimewatch update

A busy day for the 5under1and legal team today as old boy Titus Bramble appeared in court to plead not guilty to four charges of sexual assault. His trial is to be heard at Teeside Crown Court in May.

Also in trouble are striker Nicklas Bendtner (whose record down the road suggests that "striker" might be a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act) and club captain Lee Cattermole, who have been charged following a spate of criminal damage on Stowell Street in December. Interesting to note both gave their addresses as Ponteland - neither presumably keen on the thought of living on Wearside.