Matches of the day, and the stuff of nightmares

Sheer, unadulterated joy and unfathomable despair: we're on nodding terms with the former, and know the latter so well we've got the Samaritans on speed dial. We kick off our look back over the last decade by fondly recalling ten of our best games - and dredging up the banished memories of five of our worst.

Ten of the best

Spurs (h), 13th March 2005
As alluded to yesterday, it's the hope that drives us as football fans and this game, which saw us overcome a spirited Spurs team thanks to a Fat Pat goal in front of me (and a few thousand others in the Leazes End), gave us hope. The victory saw us secure our first trip to an FA Cup semi-final in Cardiff, to a stadium that I love, and that I wanted to see and hear packed with Newcastle fans. It gave us hope that maybe, just maybe, we might see some success come our way. (Paul)

Mackems (a), 17th April 2006
"[I]f it is to be Shearer's last game, our biggest derby victory for fifty years isn't a bad way to bow out." The last words of our match report proved to be accurate (his testimonial aside) and, as a fitting tribute to our all-time top scorer, a glorious victory over the Great Unwashed was a beautiful way for the curtain to fall on his career. The fact that Michael Chopra, the Zog and even Albert Luque also got on the scoresheet illustrates how awful the home team were that day, which, if anything, actually made it that little bit sweeter. (Paul)

Stoke (h), 16th January 2008
A run-of-the-mill FA Cup third round replay that pitched a struggling Newcastle side against then Championship promotion-chasers Stoke, coming after a dull 0-0 draw at the Britannia, hardly promised much. But then the news broke that, incredibly, club legend King Kev was back for a second spell as manager, and, much as his initial appointment in February 1992 had banished the relegation blues and propelled us to a 3-0 win over Bristol City, the excitement and euphoria in the stands inspired the players picked by caretaker boss Nigel Pearson to sweep the Potters aside. Better times were surely just around the corner... (Ben)

Spurs (a), 30th March 2008
Initially, things didn't go to plan for King Kev. It wasn't until 22nd March and his tenth game in charge (following thumpings at the hands of Arsenal (twice), Man Utd, Liverpool and Villa) that he finally oversaw a victory. That win against Fulham lit the spark that set us on our way to safety, though, and the following weekend we recorded a hugely impressive 4-1 victory against another bunch of white-shirted Londoners. Nicky Butt and Geremi were unlikely goalscorers as we recovered from falling behind in fine style. Like Butt, Obafemi Martins also scored at White Hart Lane for the second consecutive season, though his icing-on-the-cake strike was somewhat less spectacular than the previous year's effort. (Ben)

Nottingham Forest (h), 29th March 2010
At the City Ground the previous October, in a game played out in a poisonous atmosphere, we lost 1-0, ceding top spot in the Championship to West Brom and having to suffer the Forest fans' taunts about our fall from grace. So revenge was sweet, Jose Enrique's first and only goal for the club (and indeed his first senior goal for anyone) sealing a hard-earned victory that all but ensured automatic promotion at the first attempt and consigned the visitors to the play-offs. (Ben)

Mackems (h), 31st October 2010
Given our lack of trophies, you have to take your highlights where you can get them and beating Mackems (rather than horses) is a definite high in any season. However, while beating them in any manner is satisfying, sticking five past them was a sweet moment that lives long in the memory and for Kevin Nolan in particular guarantees he'll never need to buy a drink on Tyneside as long as he lives. (Paul)

Arsenal (h), 5th February 2011
We've been involved in some memorable games with Arsenal in the Premier League era - the 3-1 win at Highbury in December 2001 that ended the four-year London hoodoo, the 7-3 howking suffered at the Emirates almost exactly eleven years later - but this one tops the lot. We'd lost 4-0 at home to the Gunners in the League Cup in October, and this time were trailing by the same scoreline with just 26 minutes on the clock. But, aided and abetted by referee Phil Dowd, a red card for Abou Diaby, an electrifying cameo from the Lone Ranger (yes, he was a footballer once, honest) and what is still the only goal Mr T has ever scored in a Newcastle shirt, we made Premier League history in recovering from a four-goal deficit to claim a point - and in the end it could so nearly have been all three. (Ben)

Man Utd (h), 4th January 2012
The Red Devils have regularly routed us in the Premier League - the 6-0 and 5-1 humpings in 2008, barely a month apart, are a particularly painful memory - so it's only right that we should revel in the rare pleasure of a comprehensive victory of our own. Demba Ba, who had revealed his addiction to strawberry syrup in a pre-match interview, set us on our way with a wonderful volley, before a sumptuous Dreamboat free-kick and a comical Phil Jones own goal secured us the three points and the game a place in the memory bank. (Ben)

Chelsea (a), 2nd May 2012
Our illustrious hosts may have had one eye on the Champions League final, which they went on to win, but take nothing away from a tremendous team display from those in black and white. Papiss Cisse was in the midst of an exceptional scoring streak that now seems like an age ago and had already hit a fine goal in the first half, when, wide on the left in stoppage time, he looped an extraordinary outside-of-the-foot shot over Petr Cech and in off the far post. Our goal of the season hands down, were it not for HBA (of whom more tomorrow). (Ben)

Man Utd (a), 7th December 2013
No matter that it came against the worst Man Utd side in decades. No matter that the Red Devils lost at home on six other occasions in the Premier League last season, including to the Mackems. At last, after 41 years of waiting, we recorded a victory at Old Trafford, and a relatively comfortable one at that. The only goal of the game came from the right boot of Dreamboat, who put himself firmly in the shop window - but despite their chronic deficiencies in midfield, when January came around Man Utd weren't interested and he left for PSG instead. (Ben)

Five of the worst

Aston Villa (h), 2nd April 2005
In all my days as a Newcastle fan, I can honestly say that this marked a particular nadir. It wasn't that we lost to a mediocre Villa side that was the issue, or even Saylor's appalling dive as though taken out by a sniper in the stands when he'd committed a deliberate handball. No. It was the disagreement between Bowyer and Dyer which went from a mild exchange of views to a full-blown punch-up. On the pitch. In front of thousands of fans in the stands and millions of people watching on TV. To describe it as a desperate day was an understatement. Not only were the players banned (ruling them out of the FA Cup semi-final two weeks later) and Bowyer subsequently found guilty of threatening behaviour and fined, it also meant that the wheels had spectacularly come off our season just as we had the prospect of games in the latter stages of two cup competitions four days apart. Needless to say, we lost to both Sporting Lisbon and Man Utd by the same 4-1 scoreline. (Paul)

Fulham (h), 16th May 2009
As dark days go, the whole 2008/09 season was littered with them. King Kev, JFK, Chris Hughton and Wor Al all presided over miserable performances. This was the 37th game of one of the most miserable seasons in my memory. Even though relegation wasn't confirmed until a week later (and a point in this game, or that one or any of the other 36 for that matter, would have sent the perma-tanned bastard's Hull team down instead), this was nonetheless an abject display in which we contrived to shoot ourselves in the foot thanks to a red card for Sebastian Bassong and a failure to register a goal. (Paul)

Stevenage (a), 8th January 2011
A list of this nature simply wouldn't be complete without a humiliating cup exit at the hands of supposed inferiors. Surveying the past decade, there are a few candidates for inclusion, but this one stands out like a particularly sore thumb. For League 2 outfit Stevenage, it was revenge for the perceived injustices of the clubs' infamous meetings in 1998, when we belittled and patronised them on our way to defeat to Arsenal in the final. Remarkable to think that that stupendous comeback against the Gunners came less than a month later than this excruciating embarrassment. (Ben)

Liverpool (h), 27th April 2013
Those of us present at the 5-1 St James' Park thrashing in December 2008 - a result that finally broke Shay Given's spirit, despite the three separate standing ovations we gave him, and clearly signposted our relegation the following May - probably didn't imagine we could possibly turn in an even worse display at home to Liverpool. Yet less than four and a half years later we contrived to get smacked for six without reply, Mathieu Debuchy getting himself sent off just to escape a sorry mess that once again appeared to foreshadow relegation. God knows what the scoreline would have been if Luis Suarez had been playing. I wonder if Stevie G went back to Liverpool and celebrated in time-honoured fashion, by beating up a DJ for not playing a Phil Collins song on request. (Ben)

Mackems (h), 1st February 2014
Proof that lightning can and indeed does strike twice. And lightning of the very worst kind, too - a painfully comprehensive 3-0 home defeat to the Mackems. The previous season's match was marked by Paulo di Canio's kneeslide along the touchline, and a police horse getting biffed in the aftermath, but February's loss was arguably more traumatising as it meant we could no longer attempt to write off the first game as a freakish anomaly. When the next derby comes around, we'll go into it knowing we've lost the last three - is it any wonder we'd have been particularly keen to see the Mackems relegated? (Ben)

... And that's an Anfield wrap

Liverpool 2 - 1 Newcastle Utd

At last - a campaign that became positively purgatorial is finally over. Not with a win, naturally, but with a game that handily reminded us of the story of our season - the first half bright and full of promise, the second sharply descending into catastrophe and farce. All the media focus may have been on our hosts' disappointment at losing out to Man City in the pursuit of the title, but like Liverpool we manoeuvred ourselves into a great position before blowing it all in spectacular fashion.

Injury to Loic Remy meant he signed off in black and white (probably for good) with that second goal against Cardiff last Saturday, and the Silver Fox, presumably fearful of a goal-greedy side like the Reds running up a cricket score, opted to replace him with Saylor and revert to a back five. The other change also came in defence, where Massadio Haidara took Paul Dummett's place. Lubo Satka, meanwhile, was a notable inclusion among the subs.

Clad in the new dull grey away kit, the visitors made a surprisingly lively start, partly aided by the fact that Liverpool appeared resigned to finishing second even before Man City took the lead over West Ham. Big Lad should have done better with an unmarked header, though we were then grateful for referee Phil Dowd's fussiness, as he disallowed the quickly taken free-kick that Luis Suarez clipped over Tim Krul on the (debatable) grounds that the ball wasn't stationary.

Given his slump in form over the second half of the season, few would have bet on Goofy being the one striker on show who would then set about stealing the limelight - but that's exactly what he did in bursting onto a pass on the left and whipping in a cross with the outside of his right boot that the hapless Martin Skrtel sliced past former Mackem 'keeper Simon Mignolet for his fourth own goal of the season.

Goofy's afternoon could and indeed should have got even better soon afterwards, when an incisive through-ball from Big Lad picked out his run, only for Mignolet to block the ensuing shot. At the other end, Liverpool's much-feted front pairing were even more glaringly profligate, Daniel Sturridge in particular heading well wide when scoring looked easier.

Little changed in the first 15 minutes of the second half, until Brendan Rodgers boosted his side's attacking potency with Philippe Coutinho replacing the more defensively minded midfielder Joe Allen. That was Liverpool's cue to step up a gear, and sure enough they turned the game on its head in the space of two minutes courtesy of two carbon-copy Steven Gerrard free-kicks. The first picked out Daniel Agger, the central defender atoning for his partner's error from a tight angle (Krul may be disappointed), and the second was prodded home by Sturridge.

The game hadn't even restarted before things went from bad to worse, with Big Lad earning himself a yellow card and then another for dissent. If that proves to be the last action of his Newcastle career, as seems likely, then it's sadly apt - on too many occasions he's talked the talk but failed to walk the walk.

The Silver Fox threw caution to the wind in withdrawing Saylor for Luuk de Jong, but the Dutchman made little impact once again - certainly less than fellow replacement Paul Dummett did on Suarez's leg, with a lunge that was rash and ill-timed rather than malicious and so not really deserving of the red card offence Dowd deemed it.

A goal behind and down to nine men, our chances of securing a first Premier League win at Anfield since 1994 looked to have slipped away, and that proved to be the case, despite the efforts of substitute Little Big Lad to conjure something from nothing.

The requisite top ten finish had been assured before kick-off, regardless of the result, but Stoke's victory at West Brom meant that we limped over the line in tenth. The Silver Fox insisted we had been "terrific" and questioned Dowd's dubious decisions, while his opposite number took time out from reflecting on the death of Liverpool's title dreams to ponder how "the manager can be blamed when his club hasn't made a permanent signing for 18 months and sold its best player in Yohan Cabaye". The Silver Fox is certainly not blameless, but Rodgers did have a point - unlike us, who, after another ultimately disappointing season, travelled back up to the north-east needing to make some significant changes and improvements in the summer if we're not to face another relegation battle.

A Liverpool fan's perspective: The Liverpool Offside

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

'Diff-erent class

Newcastle Utd 3 - 0 Cardiff City

A clean sheet, a victory, a change in fortunes - all causes for celebration perhaps? The guarantee of a top ten finish (albeit one which ultimately came following Crystal Palace's draw with Liverpool on Monday night) confirmed staff and player bonuses for the year - perhaps a cause for celebration for some.

However, this is undoubtedly one of oddest match reports I've written in the ten seasons we've been doing this blog, with the game itself perhaps a sideshow to the main events in the stands, with prolonged and systematic denunciation of Jabba and the Silver Fox leaving neither man in doubt as to their current standings in the Tyneside popularity stakes. The Silver Fox even went so far as to stay welded to his seat in the dug-out, sending John Carver and Steve Stone out to issue touchline instructions rather than face barracking from the stands (which at least stopped him headbutting anyone...).

With talk in the build-up to the game of walk-outs, it was telling that an appreciable number of supporters did precisely that, exiting the stadium in the 69th minute and forming a core of chanting (or should that be disenchanting?) fans near the Strawberry pub for the remainder of the match.

At some stage, a football match also briefly broke out, one in which we played much better than we have of late, albeit against a side who showed about as much commitment to staying in the Premier League as we did away to Villa a few years ago.

Big Lad was handed what, in all likelihood, will be a final start at St James' Park in a black and white shirt, and he responded with the goal which took him to joint third on our list of Premier League goalscorers, with a leaping header at the back post from a fine Moussa Sissoko cross.

Preceding that goal, Mini V had demonstrated why he should have taken more corners this season, finding the head of Mathieu Debuchy, and our French right-back struck the bar with a strong header. Why that tactic hadn't been employed earlier in the season is anyone's guess. 

Anyway, Big Lad's goal threatened to open the floodgates, with Sissoko striking the woodwork twice before half-time. At the other end, one glaring miss by Frazier Campbell and one save by Tim Krul's foot from a Wilfried Zaha shot aside, we looked relatively comfortable.

The second half saw the Bluebirds try and force their way back, with substitute Kenwyne Jones looking lively, drawing a good save from Krul and generally making a nuisance of himself. The No-Necked Text Pest also made an appearance and looked to carry something of a threat down the flanks, and from one cross Cardiff's best chance came, only to see Sideshow Bob pop up on the line with a brilliant reaction block when Krul was prone.

Having responded to the walkout by withdrawing Goofy and replacing him with Dan Gosling, we subsequently swapped Mini V for Saylor as we looked to hold out for a long-awaited win. However, with Cardiff stretched, Sissoko found space on the right before cutting the ball inside to Mr T. He drove at the box before smashing his shot goalwards. That shot was blocked and the ball fell to Loic Remy to score at the Leazes End and put another nail in Cardiff's coffin.

With the clock ticking down, Sissoko forced a corner, and as the ball found its way into the box, Remy's header fell kindly for Saylor to blast home from one yard and secure the win.

With the visitors buried and our long slump ended, this game should be a cause for celebration. However, the unrest in the stands, brilliant summarised by the Lion of Gosforth on Match of the Day later, meant that jubilation was in short supply: "There has to be a big improvement and I think [Jabba]'s well aware of that. Newcastle fans don't expect them to be in the top three but they want to have belief. They want to have hope that they can go out and score goals and defend properly. They want to have hope that when decent players become available that they can go out and buy them in the transfer market. And also when they do have good players they don't want them to be sold. It's been so frustrating for them, they're angry - and rightly so."

Where we go from here (apart from to Anfield for our last match) is anyone's guess. On the one hand, this result and the guaranteed top ten position represents mission accomplished for Jabba. We're safe. We're in profit. We've not threatened to get anywhere near Europe since we sold Dreamboat in January without replacement. We dropped out of the pesky distractions of the two cup competitions early. If everyone renews their season tickets, then frankly I can't see anything changing off the pitch over the summer.

However, if season ticket sales plummet, then it is conceivable that Jabba might realise he needs to act, either by getting rid of the Silver Fox and/or by signing some players on a permanent (or more likely season-long loan) basis. It will doubtless not have gone unnoticed that David Moyes, who kept Everton in the heady position of seventh for so long on a meagre budget, is currently without employment.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

No contest

Arsenal 3 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Well, that was everything we expected, and worse. Arsenal could and should have butchered us, but instead - like a particularly sadistic cat toying with a poor, defenceless mouse - they lazily purred their way to victory, only bloodying their claws three times. Needless to say, though, this was more than enough to secure three points against a side that had lost its previous five matches, had scored one solitary goal in that time, and last salvaged a point from a two-goal deficit in that 4-4 draw with the Gunners in February 2011.

The spirit, determination and tenacity that came to the fore in the extraordinary second half of that match were nowhere to be seen on an evening when we surrendered without even pretending to put up a fight. Arsenal may have been driven on by the prospect of taking a decisive lead over Everton in the race for fourth place, but this was a result that owed less to their effort and more to our staggering lack of it.

The restoration of Mathieu Debuchy and Loic Remy to the starting XI was anticipated, though not their compatriot Moussa Sissoko's recovery from injury - and it was the midfielder's return that initially looked to be the most significant. After a slow opening period during which our hosts held sway and Mesut Ozil fired narrowly wide, Sissoko started to come to prominence with some direct, powerful runs suggestive of a man who had spent his time on the treatment table watching videos of Yaya Toure. Sadly the end product wasn't there, most notably when he curled a shot high over the bar after rampaging through the Gunners' defence.

Sod's law, then, that Sissoko was twice at fault in the build-up to the opening goal. First he gave away a free-kick (and collected a yellow card) for tugging back Olivier Giroud, and then he allowed Santi Cazorla's flighted ball to run across him for his man Laurent Koscielny to prod past Tim Krul. That we had succeeded in making a very average set-piece look like a work of genius was underlined when Remy hit an identical dead ball soon afterwards only for Wojciech Szczesny to claim it without there being any hint we might score.

Other than that, our feeble response to falling behind came in the form of long-rangers from Mr T and Debuchy. The latter's regular advanced positioning, with Mini V filling in at right-back as required, bore all the hallmarks of a Silver Fox stroke of tactical genius, in that it didn't work. In fact, quite the opposite - the switching left our back line in disarray and resulted in the second goal. Giroud sprang the offside trap, if it's not too ridiculous to refer to it as such, and Krul saved his shots not once but twice. But our luck was as unbelievably rotten as our performance and on the second occasion the ball deflected perfectly to Ozil, who - despite being offside - tapped in, through Debuchy's legs just to make it smart even more.

Krul will have had been particularly aggrieved, and not just because his defence had hung him out to dry - he had previously done well to keep out two attempts from Lukas Podolski (one a shot and the other a header) and suddenly looked like the only player in Toon colours who actually gave a shit, also repelling a Cazorla drive.

Half-time came and went with no discernible change to our gameplan (such as it was), but we did at least muster a chance worthy of the name before an hour was up. Remy showed deft control and set Goofy in on goal, but though he outpaced Nacho Monreal, the Spaniard succeeded in forcing him wider than desirable and Szczesny had few difficulties in gathering the ensuing shot.

Predictably, that roused a response from Arsenal, who made our players look like training-ground cones with their third. Aaron Ramsey drew a defender before passing to Ozil, whose flashing cross was bulleted home via Giroud's forehead, no one bothering to offer a semblance of marking.

That was the cue for the Silver Fox to swap one sack of uselessness for another - in other words, Gosling for Big Lad - but the improbable improvement never materialised. Neither did it when MYM or Adam Armstrong came on, the latter far too late to have an impact and the former replacing a clearly disgruntled Debuchy who refused to make eye contact with the Silver Fox upon being withdrawn. Indeed, it was the Gunners who could have extended their lead, Podolski's shot close to ruffling the side netting. Our final opportunity fell to Paul Dummett from a dinked Sissoko cross, but the inexperienced defender proved himself to be both of those things with a wild volley high into the stands.

Before kick-off, the Silver Fox had claimed he was "looking forward" to being back in the dug-out after his ban, but perhaps didn't contemplate the fact that it made him a more obvious and visible target for the vitriol of his critics. The away section appeared practically unanimous in their condemnation of him and his employer, some fans having sensibly feared the worst and brought pre-prepared banners which were duly unfurled as the game petered out.

Chances are he has only two more fixtures to endure before being relieved of his duties. If only we could be relieved of our duty to support Newcastle...

An Arsenal fan's perspective: A Cultured Left Foot (nice to see supporters of other clubs recognising the lack of pride and respect the current side is showing us fans)

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Please, make it stop

Newcastle Utd 1 - 2 Swansea City

Well, at least we scored this time.

Following four successive defeats, the fixture list could arguably not have been kinder in presenting us with a home game against Swansea, a side who are probably just about safe but are in their own poor run of form and busy scrapping among themselves. Of course, the opposite proved to be true - the Welsh side couldn't believe their good fortune at facing a black-and-white-shirted sitting duck, and striker Wilfried Bony duly gave us both barrels.

The Silver Fox, serving the last game of his touchline ban, reacted to last weekend's loss at Stoke - and a fourth consecutive blank - by jettisoning Saylor and the experiment with a 3-5-2 formation, and instead naming an undeniably attacking line-up featuring Luuk de Jong as well as Papiss Cisse, Big Lad and Goofy. Sadly, that ploy would only have worked if there had been a creative spark in midfield and if all those forwards understood the system in which they were supposedly playing.

In truth, Cisse only lasted 21 minutes, dominated by the visitors, before being forced off with a leg injury. De Jong too succumbed to a knock before the break, leaving the Silver Fox's alleged masterplan in tatters and French duo Mathieu Debuchy and Loic Remy pushed back into action far sooner than desirable. Cisse and de Jong weren't the only notable first-half injuries, either, with referee Chris Foy suffering the effects of an early thumped ball to the head and replaced by Anthony Taylor. If we were looking for omens, none of this was good - not even Foy's departure, given that in the previous three Newcastle games he had officiated this season we hadn't conceded a goal.

However, de Jong did at least muster one significant contribution before leaving the action, helping Big Lad to register his first league goal in nearly 1400 minutes - one which took him above Sir Les in the ranks of our top Premier League scorers. Incredible, isn't it? Perhaps he's belatedly cottoned on to the fact that his contract will be up shortly...

Big Lad's strike was against the run of play, though, and thanks at least partly to the Silver Fox's choice of formation the Swans had a firm grip of midfield, despite the best efforts of Mr T. It was no great surprise that they were level by half-time, following some awful defending from a corner and a clinical header from Bony.

The home crowd - staggeringly, another 51,000+ - had every right to expect much, much better in the second period, and they did get an improvement of sorts. Dan Gosling and Vurnon Anita, the latter restored to midfield after Debuchy's introduction, both tested Michel Vorm in the Swansea goal, though his compatriot Tim Krul had to pull off a better stop to foil Bony in a one-on-one.

The Silver Fox's final throw of the dice was to bring on Adam Armstrong for Gosling, but it was another player who entered the fray in the 81st minute who made the crucial impact. Ex-Smoggie Marvin Emnes was rashly chopped down in the area by Mr T in stoppage time, Taylor awarding a yellow card and a penalty that Bony converted.

In his post-match interview a forlorn Silver Fox spouted all sorts of bollocks, including essentially thanking the fans for not booing him. Of the players, he commented: "Their effort was there for all to see. We keep making errors and we are getting punished. You can’t afford to do that with the run we are on. We’ve got to grin and bear it." Wrong. With five consecutive Premier League defeats (a new club record) likely to become six with a trip to the Emirates, and that minimum requirement of a top ten finish now under threat, there's no grinning to be done. Not even a smirk at the Mackems, who seem to be mounting an utterly implausible Connor Wickham-inspired escape from relegation and who, after all, have scored as many goals at St James' Park in 2014 as we have...

Other reports: BBC, Observer

Different day, same bullshit

Stoke City 1 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Defeat to a fluke goal from a defender and one-time Toon target who last scored in 2008. Is there any indignity left for us to suffer? Actually, best not ponder that question and just reflect briefly on the latest miserable Saturday afternoon of a season that has become positively purgatorial - with four games still left to endure.

The fit-again Tim Krul returned for Rob Elliot, who can consider himself somewhat unfortunate to miss out, while outfield the Silver Fox decided to make significant changes in both personnel and formation. Saylor came in to a back three alongside Sideshow Bob and Iron Mike, Paul Dummett was drafted in to play on the left of a midfield five (with Vurnon Anita on the right and Mr T, Dan Gosling and Goofy in the middle) and Big Lad was picked to partner Papiss Cisse up front. Massadio Haidara, Davide Santon and Luuk de Jong all dropped out as a result.

While the changes made us look more solid, we once again offered very little going forwards. The Silver Fox noted afterwards that "we lack creative flair and a bit of ability around the box" - in a nutshell, Dreamboat. How we could have done with someone like man-of-the-match Marko Arnautovic, a constant threat down our right and the supplier of the tenth-minute cross from which Peter Crouch nodded against Krul's right-hand post. The gangly goalgetter later headed another chance high over the bar.

Things could have been different had Gosling not fluffed an excellent opportunity from close range or Mike Jones not waved away legitimate appeals for a penalty following Geoff Cameron's challenge on Cisse. Given Jones' decision to disallow Mr T's long-ranger against Man City, he's far from being our favourite official at present.

With three minutes remaining until the half-time break, the Potters' left-back Erik Pieters secured the headlines by mis-hitting a cross over compatriot Krul's head and in off the far post. It was mightily fortuitous for Stoke, but they say you make your own luck and in our case we've deserved nothing but the worst for the past few weeks.

Having come from behind to snatch points only once so far this season (against the Potters' nine men on Boxing Day), anything other than a defeat looked like a distinctly remote possibility, and the second half continued in much the same lacklustre vein as the first. Substitute Charlie Adam spurned a decent opportunity for our hosts, while it was a measure of our desperation that two of our best efforts came from Iron Mike, both blocked. The real golden chance, though, fell to Anita - the wrong man in the right place to head Big Lad's inviting cross high and wide.

The Silver Fox introduced both HBA and Adam Armstrong (that de Jong remained on the bench was telling), but these popular substitutions were neither enough to change the course of the game nor pacify supporters by now openly calling for the manager's head.

In his post-match interview, the Silver Fox trotted out a series of excuses, ranging from the just-about-acceptable to the downright ridiculous - the quality of the opposition, injuries to ten key players (ten - really?), the actions of the local press: "I actually don’t think the media in the north-east helped us this week. I think they whipped it up, for whatever reason. I know one or two of them are banned from the stadium and they probably used that as a bit of an agenda, which is a shame for us because we want them to support us." Cue a suitably sarcastic retort from the Sunday Sun.

Southampton's shock home defeat to Cardiff means they remain only two points ahead of us in eighth, but the three points pocketed by Stoke have moved them to within a win of us. Relegation-threatened Swansea are up next - we've already given them one timely leg-up this season, and they'll surely fancy their chances of getting another.

 Other reports: BBC, Observer

The Devils may care, but we certainly don't

Newcastle 0 - 4 Man Utd

According to some, the current Newcastle side is lacking in targets and ambition. Nonsense. They remain resolutely focused on their objective: making a mockery of the Premier League's claim to being the best league in the world by finishing in its top half despite being chronically awful.

Given our wretched run of results at St James' Park since Christmas, the last thing we needed was a visit from the side with the best away record in the league. But, with all eyes on their forthcoming Champions League tie with Bayern Munich and perpetual tormentor Shrek out injured, Man Utd were clearly there for the taking. Not for a team devoid of anything approaching form, motivation or inspiration, though. Despite the best efforts of Papiss Cisse, there was never really the remotest possibility of us turning them over as we did at Old Trafford in December, the Red Devils enjoying an easy ride and racking up their biggest win of the season.

HBA and MYM, both hauled off at half-time at St Mary's, were dropped to the bench, with their south-coast replacements Luuk de Jong and Davide Santon stepping up. Meanwhile, Moussa Sissoko's injury and the paucity of alternatives gave the Silver Fox a headache. His decision to hand Dan Gosling, a player who pulled up no trees at all while on loan at Blackpool earlier this season, only his second ever Premier League start for the club speaks volumes about the damage the sale of December's matchwinner Dreamboat and our transfer window inactivity have wrought on the squad.

Rob Elliot had been critical in keeping the score down at Southampton, and Tim Krul's stand-in was soon called into action as it became apparent he would again be in for a busy afternoon. Phil Jones did get the ball into our net, but only after the whistle had blown for a handball by Marouane Fellaini in the build-up. At the other end, Cisse's first effort on goal was a flying flicked header from a Santon cross, which Anders Lindegaard tipped over.

Gosling was aggrieved when penalised for a foul on Fellaini - bizarre, given that the Belgian had swung an elbow that was careless if not definitely malicious - but couldn't have too many complaints when conceding a free-kick for an ill-timed challenge on Darren Fletcher. Juan Mata may be yet to show he can combine successfully with Shrek and Robin van Persie, but, given his ineligibility for the Munich game, he clearly saw this as an opportunity to start repaying some of that hefty transfer fee, and promptly curled the dead ball over the wall and in at Elliot's near post.

It could have been worse before half-time, Javier Hernandez striking the base of the post via Elliot's fingertips, and indeed it was shortly after the break. Sideshow Bob got hopelessly caught out and Hernandez and Shinji Kagawa combined to set up Mata, who sidestepped our skipper's desperate attempt to redeem the situation and passed the ball past Elliot and into the net.

The Silver Fox - who you'd hope has free minutes, given how much time he spent on the phone up in the stands - waited until the hour mark before withdrawing the abject de Jong and introducing HBA, but before the substitute had any opportunity to make his mark the gulf had widened further. This time Kagawa broke into the box and pulled the ball back for Hernandez to supply the smart finish.

While all around him heads hung low, Cisse at least refused to join in with the meek surrender, stinging Lindegaard's palms with a right-footed shot and then pressing the Swede into urgent action to keep out a close-range attempt.

But there was no chance of us overturning the deficit, and Adnan Januzaj placed the cherry on the dog-turd-flavoured cake by firing home from Mata's backheeled pass in stoppage time. Four efforts on target, four goals - stats we can only dream of.

After the Manchester derby, my City-supporting friend Graham was somewhat non-plussed by the extent of his side's superiority, commenting that beating Man Utd has become like kicking an old drunk tramp. What, then, does this result make us - a side so poor as to be thrashed by said old drunk tramp?

In the eight home games since Boxing Day, we've won two and lost six. Even that paints a flattering portrait, though - the two victories have been by a solitary goal to nil, and in the six defeats we've scored none and conceded 17. Not even the positive omen of having Kevin Friend on officiating duties was enough to spare us from another tonking - he'd previously reffed nine of our matches and we'd won them all. In that ninth victory, though, he dismissed the Silver Fox for the headbutt on David Meyler, and it's hard to overlook the fact that our current run has coincided with our manager's absence from the touchline. Much more of this and that absence will be made permanent by Jabba.

A Man Utd fan's perspective: Red Rants

Other reports: BBC, Observer

Saints and sinners

Southampton 4 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Well that was utterly terrible, wasn't it?

While the Silver Fox might have been allowed back in the ground, having served his three-match stadium ban, those present of a black and white persuasion might have been forgiven for wanting to have never been there in the first place.

Frankly this "performance", such as it was, was an embarrassment. With the exception of Rob Elliot (in goal in place of the injured Tim Krul), the entire team were abject. By half-time, we could have easily been out of the game. That we were only one down (and that coming from Jay Rodriguez at the end of the first half) was down to both Elliot's skill and the Saints' poor finishing.

Sadly for our part, they didn't continue in the second half, with the home side's trio of England attackers all stepping up their game as first Rickie Lambert, then Adam Lallana and finally Rodriguez (again) scored to give the home team a thoroughly deserved victory that really didn't flatter them.

Having started the game both HBA and MYM were hooked at half-time in favour of De Jong and Davide Santon. Evidently neither replacement did much to improve things; however, equally neither should be blamed for our capitulation in the second half. That responsibility must be shared by the whole team and also the manager, whose pledge that things would change for the better once he was back in the ground proved woefully mistaken.

While we aren't going down, the fact is that if things don't improve before the end of the season (starting with the visit of Moyes' rabble on Saturday) then there are going to be a lot of people in need of new employment, starting with the Silver Fox.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Magpies left counting the cost of opponents' clinical finishing

Newcastle Utd 0 - 3 Everton

Once again we were left to rue our lack of a cutting edge as Everton came to Tyneside, dealt comfortably with what we had to offer and returned to the north-west with three points in their pocket. After the two fortuitously secured 1-0 wins over Villa and Palace, the scoreline harked back to the dark days of January and early February, and though we did as I hoped and raised our game from Saturday, showing plenty of endeavour and having the bulk of efforts on goal, we were never really a match for a side determinedly chasing down a faltering Arsenal for the final Champions League spot.

We set out with the same starting XI as against Fulham and Palace, which meant HBA, the creator of Cisse's winner on Saturday, had to be content with a place on the bench once again. In the first five minutes, the bit appeared to be firmly between our teeth, blue-shirted bodies blocking shots from de Jong, Goofy and Cisse.

However, that superiority had dissipated by the time Romelu Lukaku's shot presented Tim Krul with the unwelcome opportunity to get involved in the action. Ross Barkley then gave the visitors the lead, running 70 yards against a backpedalling defence and firing home - the goal enhancing his personal claim to a place in the England squad for the World Cup and confirming that, whatever happened in the remaining 70 minutes, there would be no repeat of our stoppage-time 1-0 victories in the two previous home games.

We huffed and puffed for the rest of the half, to no great effect, and early in the second our predicament worsened. Loanees Lukaku and Gerard Deulofeu combined for the big Belgian to score the visitors' second (his fourth against us in four appearances); by contrast, of our own two loan forwards, Remy was still sidelined and de Jong was once again totally off the pace, belatedly replaced by HBA.

As he did against Palace, the substitute nearly conjured up a goal, his mesmerising run leaving Mini V with a glorious chance to reduce the arrears, but the Dutchman contrived to miss the target - as did Goofy with a volley that flew over the bar. Mr T's long-ranger, meanwhile, was repelled by Tim Howard.

MYM was hauled off for Sylvain Marveaux (though Paul Dummett had been equally poor) as we went for broke. However, we couldn't create another clear-cut chance and Lukaku extended Krul again before Leon Osman rounded off a flowing move in clinical fashion with three minutes remaining, giving the scoreline a gloss representative of Everton's finishing prowess if not of the overall balance of play.

Having gone nine home games without defeat to the Toffees, we've now lost three of the last four St James' Park meetings - a disappointing reversal of fortune, even though (as John Carver acknowledged afterwards) there's no denying they're a quality side.

Our next test, away to Southampton, promises to be every bit as tough, and we can only hope that Remy will be ready to leave the treatment table in time. Against the Saints' fluent midfield and front three, I'd be tempted to play a 4-5-1 formation, with Cisse alone up front and HBA in for de Jong, stationed wide on the right - the three in the middle would give us greater stability and the Frenchman has probably earned a start (and the perpetually misfiring loanee a demotion to the bench). That said, the Silver Fox has spoken of there being trust issues - not only whether he can trust HBA, but whether the players can too - so it remains to be seen whether he mixes things up against our rivals for eighth place.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

The late, great Papiss Cisse

Newcastle Utd 1 - 0 Crystal Palace

Just when it looked as though we'd fail to find the net for a second successive game against relegation candidates from the capital, up popped Papiss Cisse to score in stoppage time for a remarkable sixth time in his Newcastle career. Not that the identity of the goalscorer wasn't a surprise - he had been thwarted on several occasions previously and seemed destined to draw yet another blank in his quest to score a first Premier League goal from open play since April last year.

The fact that the team was unchanged from the appalling defeat at Fulham might have been interpreted as the Silver Fox demanding they make amends, but - with Mathieu Debuchy, Davide Santon and Loic Remy all out - the truth is that the options available were limited. Remy's continued absence was the most keenly felt, given how hopelessly ineffective Cisse and nominal strike partner Luuk de Jong were at Craven Cottage, and how we had failed to score in all six of the previous matches the on-loan Frenchman had missed. There was at least some cause for optimism, though, with the return to the bench of HBA.

In the initial stages, Mr T appeared to have taken on the burden of breaking the deadlock himself, attempting no fewer than three shots in the first five minutes. None of them troubled Julian Speroni in the Palace goal, and the pattern was set.

The visitors had had to travel to Wearside the previous weekend, when a resolute rearguard action saw them escape with a goalless draw and a potentially valuable point. Tony Pulis seemed to send his side out at St James' Park with exactly the same objective. Cameron Jerome was left to forage around after balls into the channels alone up front and did well to unsettle Mike Williamson and Sideshow Bob, heading wide when well placed at one point. Otherwise, their only threat came from Yannick Bolasie, who, like Fulham's Ashkan Dejagah last Saturday, enjoyed terrorising a frequently backpedalling MYM.

It was Cisse, though, who looked the likeliest to break the deadlock and raise the quiet crowd from their slumbers, first working space before firing straight at Speroni and later meeting the galloping Moussa Sissoko's right-wing cross with an instinctive shot that the 'keeper pawed away. There was precious little else to admire, other than Mr T's ability to always find space (perhaps Palace were content in the knowledge of his powers of distribution) and Mini V's gentle prompting alongside and ahead of him.

As Fulham had, Palace emerged after the interval apparently appreciative that only a slight increase in effort and intensity would be all that would be required to claim the victory. It didn't last long, thankfully, though during that period Bolasie stepped inside MYM and hit a shot that flicked the top of the bar. When the winger was the first opposing player to be withdrawn, we couldn't believe our luck.

By that point, we'd introduced our own tricky talent, HBA, leaving de Jong to rue another dud performance. For the most part, the new man flattered to deceive down the right, cutting inside and thereby playing straight into the hands of his right-footed marker Joel Ward. Even when he did escape Ward's attentions, Palace had doubled up on him and all too often he wasted possession or took on an ill-advised shot.

In the centre, Cisse was admirably persistent, forcing Speroni into an excellent smothering save low to his right, heading over the bar and - after Mr T had walloped the bar from range and MYM had squared the rebound - miskicking right in front of goal.

Would the goal ever come? Yes, it would - and shortly after Palace were appealing for a handball against Williamson at the other end of the pitch. HBA worked his way infield, teasing defenders before playing in a clever cross for Cisse to head home.

Harsh on the visitors, perhaps, but then for the most part they'd been happy for us to show the greater will to win and must have left kicking themselves at passing up a (possibly unexpectedly) golden opportunity to pull clear of the relegation zone. As for us, we climbed back into eighth, and stayed there thanks to another stoppage-time goal on Sunday - Gylfi Sigurdsson's strike for Spurs capping a fine comeback over Southampton.

Everton are next up at St James', and we'll certainly have to play much better than this if we want to avoid defeat against a side who, as usual, are mixing it with the big spenders above us in the table. Remy, like his manager, will miss the game, but will be back for the crunch trip to St Mary's at the weekend. In the meantime, here's hoping Cisse's finally rediscovered his mojo.

A Palace fan's perspective: Five Year Plan

Other reports: BBC, Observer

No Cottage industry

Fulham 1 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Maybe the Silver Fox's actions on the touchline at Hull were rational and sensible after all. In the wake of yesterday's game at Craven Cottage, getting himself banned from the stadium so that, unlike us, he didn't have to witness the performance of the away side looked a very shrewd move.

In truth, though, he did apparently watch the game, in his hotel room. Such was the quality of what he saw that it presumably wasn't long before he did an Alan Partridge: got drunk and rang reception to ask "Can you make pornography come on my telly please?"

Going into the game Fulham had lost their previous four at home, not won anywhere in nine and not kept a clean sheet in fourteen - so the appearance of the Newcastle team bus on Fulham Palace Road must have been a real sight for sore eyes, given the Cottagers had beaten us on their own turf in each of the last four campaigns.

Our cause was certainly not helped by the injuries to French duo Loic Remy and Mathieu Debuchy, who were replaced in the starting line-up by Papiss Cisse and fit-again skipper Sideshow Bob, whose return shunted MYM out to right-back.

Meanwhile, Felix Magath, Fulham's third manager of the season, reacted to the 3-1 defeat at Cardiff that left them adrift at the foot of the table by dropping five players including Maarten Stekelenburg, Tim Krul's rival for the Dutch number 1 shirt, and Kostas Mitroglou, the £11m January signing who didn't even make the squad. It smacked of a manager who didn't have a clue what he was doing.

There was very little for either set of supporters to shout about in the first half - watching the low-flying planes en route for their landing at Heathrow would have been more entertaining than a match in which both sides were regularly guilty of poor distribution and aimless long punts. The home defence looked very nervy, Fernando Amorebieta in particular.

Paul Dummett had our first chance of note, curling a free kick over the bar. De Jong then made space well for a shot but could only send a stubbed effort trundling into David Stockdale's arms. Worse was to follow, when he miskicked an inviting cross and Cisse's prod was put behind by the Fulham 'keeper. By that point Stockdale's opposite number Krul had seen a dipping volley flash over the bar and tipped away Spurs loanee Lewis Holtby's vicious curler.

Goalless at the break, then. The three points were without doubt there for the taking, and so, while Fulham's need may have been greater than ours, our limp second-half surrender was nevertheless utterly inexcusable.

Our opponents had the ball in the Hammersmith End net within minutes of the restart, the goal chalked off for offside. The same thing happened ten minutes later as Cauley Woodrow, the teenage forward who gave our experienced central defensive pairing a real run-around, followed up after a Johnny Heitinga shot had hit the underside of the crossbar and bounced down a matter of mere millimetres away from crossing the line. All we had to applaud was the occasional storming but ultimately unproductive run from Moussa Sissoko and another dribbling shot from de Jong.

The game's critical moment came in the 66th minute, when a loose ball from William Kvist allowed Papiss Cisse a one-on-one opportunity that he fluffed - as he has all too often this season. Fulham promptly broke down their left, where first Alex Kacaniklic and then substitute Ashkan Dejagah had been posing an increasing threat. The German-Iranian winger was allowed to cut in on his right foot by MYM and seized the opportunity, driving a bouncing shot under an unsighted Krul.

Cisse was put out of his misery soon after, leaving the action to make way for Big Lad, while Sylvain Marveaux and debutant striker Adam Armstrong also came on. Our response to falling behind, however, was pathetic, consisting largely of one header off-target from de Jong and a direct run and shot over the bar from Armstrong. It's telling that the closest we came to an equaliser was when Krul, up for a corner in the dying seconds, had a shot that struck Heitinga's outstretched arm. It should have been a spot-kick, but that would have been more than we deserved.

As stacked in our favour as the odds were prior to kick-off, in terms of form, another defeat without scoring always looked the depressingly likely outcome given Remy's injury. It's no coincidence that without him (as well as HBA and Dreamboat) we carry very little threat - in de Jong and Cisse we have two strikers who couldn't be more out of form if they tried. The result (coupled with Southampton's win) dropped us to ninth, but did also ratchet up the pressure on the Mackems, who remain in the relegation zone and who are now just one point off bottom.

This tale of woe wouldn't be complete without a moan about my personal experience of the day. An ill-advised trek in the unseasonable heat along the Thames Path from Mortlake during which I got lost meant I missed the first ten minutes of the game, only to discover I'd paid £40 for the privilege of sitting in a home area surrounded by rugger-shirted toffs more interested in the Six Nations, teenage tossers complaining about the assistant referee being a "spastic" for making offside calls, and (with apologies to some of our readers) the very worst kind of American fan - club shop-fresh scarves and baseball caps, father telling chubby son things like "that's what they call a 'handleball'"...

All things considered, then, it wasn't the most enjoyable afternoon I've ever had. Here's hoping they get relegated, just so we don't have to go there and lose yet again.

A Fulham fan's perspective: Craven Cottage Newsround

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Heads (we win)

Hull City 1 - 4 Newcastle Utd

A magnificent away performance, including scoring four away from home for the first time this season, was sadly overshadowed by one rush of blood to the head of the Silver Fox.

However, before we get on to the negative, full credit should first be given to what was a brilliant away performance. Deprived of Sideshow Bob due to a family bereavement, Mike Williamson was this time partnered by MYM, with Paul Dummett continuing at left back in the absence of the injured Santon. Further forward, Loic Remy was partnered by Luuk de Jong, with Papiss Cisse dropping to the bench.

After an early Goofy miss, it was Hull who were on the front foot first with manager's son Alex Bruce drawing an outstanding double save from Tim Krul. Having gathered the ball at the second attempt, our Dutch custodian launched the ball forward and after a swift succession of passes the ball was fed to Mathieu Debuchy charging down the right. He cut the ball back to Moussa Sissoko who slammed the ball into the back of the net.

The home side came back, with both Nikica Jelavic and Ahmed Elmohamady heading wide when unchallenged and well placed. However, with half time looming, Maynor Figueroa's underhit back-pass allowed Remy to nip in and take the ball round home 'keeper (and shit Steve Harper) Allan McGregor and slot into the empty net.

Doubtless suitably inspired by the prospect of getting back into the fresh air having spent 15 minutes in a confined space with Ol' Cauliflower Face, Hull pulled a goal back when Curtis Davis rose highest to nod home Tom Huddlestone's free-kick beyond Tim Krul's flapping leap.

However, rather than let the home side press for an equaliser, we continued to play well, with Mini V performing particularly adeptly in midfield alongside Mr T.

Goofy it was who proved the catalyst for the next goal, with his long-range shot being spilled by McGregor straight into the path of the onrushing Sissoko, who calmly notched his second.

At which point things took a turn for the surreal.

In short, the ball squirmed out for a home throw in right in front of our technical area. Hull player David Meyler ran after the ball and shoved the Silver Fox out of his way with both hands, before collecting the ball. Pardew reacted strongly to the shove and walked towards Meyler, and effectively appeared to attempt to push him back, using his forehead instead of his hands. At which point, Meyler pushed Pardew again and embarked on a prolonged bout of finger-pointing and appeared to be suggesting that the two carry on their tete-a-tete outside.

The upshot of all this saw Meyler booked and the Silver Fox banished from the touchline.

With the Silver Fox now watching from the stands, Dan Gosling drove into the box before slipping and nocking the ball into the path of Dummett. His shot was deflected away but fell to Mini V at the back post who scored his first Premier League goal for the club, capping an outstanding display from the Dutchman.

However, it's a result which will be remembered for Pardew's moment of madness rather than anything any of our players did on the pitch.

Within hours the club had issued a statement confirming that the Silver Fox had been fined £100,000 and issued with a formal written warning. With the FA also paying close attention, the consequences for the club, and the Silver Fox in particular, look to become even worse.

While there is clearly no excusing Pardew for his actions, at the same time the mass hysteria which seemed to engulf certain elements of the media would suggest to anyone who hadn't seen it that the head butt was on a par with Zidane v Materazzi in the World Cup final, rather than a rather pathetic coming together between a man in his fifties who should know better and a Premier League footballer who shouldn't have pushed him in the first place. However, regardless of the shove, Pardew simply should not have responded. Whatever apology he issued afterwards will never remove the stain that this incident places on his CV going forward.  He's been heavily fined by the club (who frankly were never going to sack a man who has guided a club making profit to eighth in the table) and will undoubtedly be heavily sanctioned by the FA.

A dark mark against what should have been a real cause for celebration.

A Hull fan's perspective: Amber Nectar

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Relief at last

Newcastle Utd 1 - 0 Aston Villa

A home goal, at last. All it took was more than seven hours of desperate football, clumps of hair pulled out in frustration, a couple of lucky deflections in the 92nd minute and a rare moment of class and composure, courtesy of our top scorer.

While Loic Remy's return ultimately proved to be critical, in truth he looked like the player most likely to end our embarrassing goal drought throughout, repeatedly coming closest to scoring while his colleagues in black and white seemed to scuff or sky every opportunity that came their way.

The suspension-free Frenchman wasn't the only welcome name on the teamsheet - the break since the thrashing by Spurs gave Sideshow Bob and Mr T the necessary time to recover from injury. With Paul Dummett also coming into the side, Saylor and Luuk de Jong dropped to the bench while fellow Spurs starters Little Big Lad and Davide Santon, along with HBA and Sylvain Marveaux, didn't even feature in the squad - it remaining unclear whether injuries are a factor or whether they're all out of favour.

We started brightly enough, Remy firing in a low shot that Brad Guzan saved comfortably before his strike partner in a 4-4-2 formation, Papiss Cisse, had an effort that Villa's American 'keeper spilled and Nathan Baker hacked behind for a corner.

That jitteriness in the visitors' defence should have given us sufficient encouragement to drive on in pursuit of an early lead, but instead it was Villa who began to gain the upper hand. A couple of dangerous crosses flashed across the face of Tim Krul's goal, Andreas Weimann just failing to connect with the second, before Gabriel Agbonlahor had a hat-trick of chances - the first a shot parried by Krul (the loose ball thankfully falling to a defender), the second a long-range blast narrowly over and the third an effort well blocked by Sideshow Bob. The Argentinian was enjoying a good game - just as well, as we were too open and vulnerable to Villa's counter-attacks. The prospect of losing 5-0 (to keep up the sequence) didn't look too fanciful.

As the interval approached, though, Remy came back to the fore, first curling a free-kick wide and then creating by far the best opportunity of the half for Cisse. Running onto a deflected through-ball, Remy coolly picked out the unmarked Senegalese striker ten yards out, but in trademark 2013/4 fashion he lofted the ball way over the bar and behind.

Paul Lambert's post-match declaration that his side deserved something from the game may have had merit on the basis of the first half, but ignored our almost complete dominance of the second, when the only goal under any kind of threat was Villa's. Goofy dragged a shot wide and later blazed a left-foot volley over, while Dummett, popping up on the right wing, ruffled the roof of the net with a curler that wasn't quite delicious enough. Crosses looped into the box from both flanks, but any chances arising were wasted - none more painfully than when Moussa Sissoko hammered the ball high into the stand to relieve the pressure.

Villa defender Leandro Bacuna survived a penalty appeal - he did appear to move his hand towards the ball, even if contact was minimal - but we were as grateful to Iron Mike as Bacuna was to referee Martin Atkinson when he capped a commanding display with a superb interception to halt a counter-attack in which our retreating defenders were outnumbered. That set up a counter-counter-attack which resulted in Guzan diving to parry Remy's shot behind for a corner - a reminder that, for all our pressure, their 'keeper hadn't exactly had the most taxing of afternoons.

An indication that it really wasn't to be our day seemed to arrive two minutes from time. De Jong, on for Cisse, robbed the dawdling Vlaar on the goal-line and pulled the ball back to Remy. His shot should have nestled in the bottom corner, but instead pinged back off the post and away.

Thankfully, though, he was able to make amends four minutes later. Mathieu Debuchy's attempted shot or cross was deflected to de Jong, whose attempted shot was deflected to Remy, who wrong-footed Vlaar and thumped a shot past Guzan. The relief was akin to that felt when Cisse got a similarly late winner against Fulham last April, though on this occasion the goalscorer decided to remove his shirt and stand on the hoardings saluting the supporters rather than launching himself into their midst. The Silver Fox too refrained from repeating that day's impromptu and overenthusiastic meet-and-greet session, instead preferring to pump his fist Saylor-style in the directors' direction.

The circumstances were somewhat different - we don't find ourselves in relegation trouble this season, and indeed the victory hauled us back up to eighth, above Southampton and onto the magical 40-point mark - but the goal and win were nevertheless absolutely vital. Our chronic scoring problems probably haven't disappeared overnight, and neither has the gaping hole left by the departure of Dreamboat been plugged - but the clean sheet and ultimate victory (admittedly achieved largely through bloodyminded persistence rather than quality) do at least give us some hope of going to Hull on Saturday and getting a result.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Home is where the hurt is

Newcastle Utd 0 - 4 Spurs

It's saying something when we're not even good enough to record a third successive 3-0 defeat. The stats have been widely reported but bear repeating, as painful as they are: we've now lost five games in a row at home in all competitions, and we've managed four consecutive home league defeats for the first time since 1987, and this time all without scoring. Typical, isn't it, that just as the much of the rest of the country is experiencing flooding we're suffering from a drought...

Of course, it didn't help that our visitors were an in-form side with an excellent away record who have been invigorated by the appointment of a new manager since our last meeting and who are engaged in determined pursuit of Champions League qualification.

The Silver Fox decided to take a gamble, throwing fit-again Papiss Cisse and Goofy straight back into the side at the expense of HBA and Paul Dummett, with Davide Santon switching back from midfield to his familiar left-back role.

I say "familiar", but it didn't look that way when he sloppily gifted the ball back to Spurs on our byline, allowing Emmanuel Adebayor, the striker frozen out under Andre Villas-Boas, to skim a shot wide of Tim Krul's far post. Shortly afterwards, Paulinho forced Krul into a save with a venomous shot from a tight angle.

The best early chance, though, fell to us. We're pinning our hopes on loan signing Luuk de Jong striking up a partnership with someone, and when he headed a long free-kick down and square into Cisse's path on the edge of the six-yard box, the evening's opening goal looked to be the only possible outcome. That, though, was to reckon without either our number nine's appalling lack of form and confidence or the quick reactions of Spurs' French 'keeper Hugo Lloris, who kept the weak effort out.

Naturally, it was the visitors who then took the lead. Nabil Bentaleb should have been tackled more forcefully out on the right, but even when he wriggled free of a challenge to play in a teasing cross there didn't look to be much danger. However, Krul flapped the ball pointlessly straight to the feet of the grateful Adebayor and he finished into the empty net. The Dutchman was the hero of the victory at White Hart Lane in November, when we were besieged but kept our goal intact; now, at a time when we're desperately struggling to score goals ourselves, the last thing we needed was our 'keeper to start gifting them to the opposition.

It could have been worse before the break had Aaron Lennon's scuffed shot trickled in rather than bounced off the post. Presented with another chance to score by Little Big Lad's pass, Cisse beat the onrushing Lloris to the ball but, perhaps fearful of being clattered, lobbed the ball harmlessly wide.

Dummett replaced Santon at the interval - presumably a tactical change (if indeed it required any tactical nous to identify the fact that the Italian was having a stinker) - but he'd hardly got his boots dirty before we were two goals down. Paulinho's neat flick set Adebayor up for a drive from outside the area, and when Krul parried straight to the Brazilian, he followed up mercilessly.

That was the cue for us to (belatedly) raise our game and enjoy our best spell. Little Big Lad and De Jong departed for HBA and Sylvain Marveaux, and Lloris had to make saves from Dummett, Cisse, Goofy and Mathieu Debuchy - the latter in particular was superb.

A foothold back in the game would have been scarcely deserved, though, and Spurs' superiority was underlined in the last ten minutes. Krul contributed his third error of the day for the third goal, palming Andros Townsend's piledriver up into the air for Adebayor to mis-hit it slightly fortuitously into the ground and over his despairing dive, but was powerless to prevent substitute Nacer Chadli from recording his first Premier League goal with a curler into the top corner. Quicker and more effective closing-down of Chadli would have been demanded by the home supporters, I'm sure, if there had been many left still inside the ground.

This was most certainly not the way in which the Silver Fox will have hoped to celebrate his 150th match in charge. Before the game he had declared: "Part of my job is to try and motivate the side with any incentive I can find" - presumably no incentive could be located on this occasion (and how exactly the players lacked motivational incentives for the derby is beyond me). He had also taken pains to thank fans for their patience - a fair few more will have lost it after this latest abject display. In his post-match interview he came across as a broken man, as downbeat and angry as I can remember, confirming that there had been some harsh words spoken in the dressing room.

It's a sorry state of affairs that a season that still looked highly promising as recently as Boxing Day now appears to be all but over, and that rather than speculate about the possibility of European qualification (which the Silver Fox insisted has been a curse rather than a blessing for Spurs) we're now inclined to be thankful for the fact that we've already amassed sufficient points to insulate us from the relegation dogfight, at least for the time being.

The break might do us some good - certainly there's plenty of work to be done - and we'll have Loic Remy back available for our next fixture, the visit of Villa on Sunday 23rd, but I do wonder what odds the bookies are offering on a 5-0 away win to keep the sequence going...

A Spurs' fan's perspective: Tottenham Hotspur Blog

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Eden ensures Stamford Bridge is no paradise

Chelsea 3 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Facing Chelsea immediately after their win at the Etihad and our demoralising thumping by the Mackems was never likely to end well - and so it proved. Jose Mourinho was rightly lauded for his tactical nous in engineering the victory over Man City, but it doesn't take a genius to select Eden Hazard, "the best young player in the world" (according to his manager) in exhilarating form proving too good for our patched-up side.

The Silver Fox opted to hand Luuk de Jong his full debut, dropping Big Lad to the bench. Meanwhile, Mr T's absence through injury saw Davide Santon somewhat surprisingly moved into central midfield (Dan Gosling and Sylvain Marveaux left to kick their heels on the sidelines), with Paul Dummett equally surprisingly preferred to Massadio Haidara at left-back.

Our hosts weren't without their own injury problems, the loss of John Terry lending encouragement to our forwards, and we started on the front foot. On two occasions our own answer to the dazzling Belgian, HBA, tried his luck, but the dribbling efforts were of no concern to a 'keeper of Petr Cech's quality.

Chelsea gradually upped their game, Oscar skimming a shot just wide of Tim Krul's right-hand post, before Hazard took charge. After a neat spin and pass out wide, he swept the return ball emphatically into the far corner.

Moussa Sissoko has a useful habit of raising his game against the Blues, having been instrumental in the two home victories since his arrival from France, and sure enough he was once again at the heart of the action shortly afterwards. Sadly, a poor first touch from Santon's clever through-ball gave Cech the chance to block with relative ease.

A few minutes later and we were rueing the miss even more. Hazard once again profited from an incisive one-two, darting onto Samuel Eto'o's back-heel as Dummett floundered and finishing clinically. De Jong's tame downward header meant we went in two goals down.

The deficit could have increased further after the break when David Luiz hoofed clear and Krul slipped on the edge of his area, Oscar not quite able to touch it into the empty net before it ran behind, but it wasn't long before we gifted Chelsea their third. MYM, on for the injured Mathieu Debuchy in the first half, had already picked up a booking for a clumsy foul when he took it upon himself to wrestle Eto'o to the ground from a corner. The pundits purred about the spot-kick with which Hazard completed his hat-trick, but it was cocky and Krul could have made him look very silly - as it was, though, the Dutchman was the one with an embarrassed look on his face.

HBA had been ineffectual, but in replacing him with Gosling the Silver Fox made us more defensive, as though we were attempting to shut the stable door with Mourinho's "little horse" already several furlongs away. The fact that a player just back from an unspectacular stint at Championship strugglers Blackpool could find himself back in the first-team frame so soon speaks volumes about the paucity of options available.

Chelsea, meanwhile, rubbed salt into the wound by bringing on both Mohamed Salah, fellow big-money transfer window acquisition Nemanja Matic having started the game in midfield, and our old boy Demba Ba, the subject of unjustified abuse from the away end.

Salah fluffed a good opportunity to make the scoreline even more emphatic, while Marveaux, on for Mini V, fired harmlessly into the side-netting when he really should have shot across Cech's goal.

The final whistle brought an end to our four-game winning sequence in the capital, though we can take some consolation from having acquitted ourselves reasonably well away to a side that edged to the top of the league, thanks to Arsenal's mauling at Anfield and the failure of Man City's potent front line to find a way past Norwich's stubborn defence. While drawing yet another blank is of concern, we were up against the best back four in the division.

Now we need to put this fixture behind us and refocus for the visit of Spurs on Wednesday. Not that getting a result then will be an easy task - we've lost four in a row at home in all competitions, and our visitors have already recorded eight league wins on the road this season. Factor in the fact that Debuchy has been added to an already lengthy injury list and our prospects don't look too rosy.

There was at least some small consolation from the Stadium of Shite, where Wes Brown was sent off for the third time this season in the third minute and Hull - with Steve Harper between the sticks and nominal Geordie and sacked Mackem boss Ol' Cauliflower Face in the dugout - went on to win 2-0. Even still, though, it was laced with chagrin that they chose to return to their usual calamitous ways only after beating us so comfortably.

Chelsea fans' perspectives: Chelsea FC Blog, We Ain't Got No History

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Derby despair - again

Newcastle Utd 0 - 3 Sunderland

Well, quite frankly, this is getting ridiculous. For the third derby fixture in a row, we faced inferior Mackem opposition only to play abysmally and slide to a deserved defeat. How, in a season in which we've outplayed Chelsea and won at Old Trafford, did we once again manage to lose so comprehensively to that shower of shite? It was 1st February, not 1st April, after all.

After the previous two meetings it was obvious we owed them one, and needed to channel the spirit of that famous 5-1 drubbing in October 2010. Two players did just that - unfortunately for us, though, Rocky and Kevin Nolan were turning out for West Ham in the day's other 12.45 kick-off when they twice combined for goals. At St James' Park, by contrast, we succeeded only in channelling the spirit of April 2013's 0-3 embarrassment - the only difference being that Gus Poyet refrained from doing a Di Canio-esque knee slide in celebration.

One imagines Sir Bobby Robson looking down and shaking his fist in the direction of the man he branded "the scourge of Newcastle", but the visitors' ranks were stuffed with bogeymen: Fabio Borini, who scores every time he plays us; Tynesider Jack Colback; former Newcastle Centre of Excellence attendee Adam Johnson; debutant Liam Bridcutt, who was integral in helping Poyet's Brighton knock us out of the FA Cup in two consecutive seasons. All made vital contributions to our defeat, though in truth we shouldn't shirk from the fact that for the most part we were our own worst enemies.

The appeal against Loic Remy's red card having failed, Big Lad was drafted in to lead the attack in an otherwise unchanged team, meaning a 4-3-3 formation and Little Big Lad retaining his starting place. The Mackem Slayer's young apprentice proved to be one of our very few semi-bright sparks in the first half, combining well with Moussa Sissoko on occasion but with no overall end product.

A half-chance had been spurned by Mathieu Debuchy before on-loan left-back Marcos Alonso gave us a timely warning with an unmarked header over the crossbar from a whipped Johnson free-kick. Sadly it wasn't a warning we heeded, Mini V's clumsy challenge on a marauding Phil Bardsley giving Borini the chance to score from the spot - a chance he seized with style. We'd hardly got over that shock when the situation got even stickier. Dozy Alti-Can't-Hit-A-Barn-Door produced an exquisite flick (a fluke, surely) to release Colback, and when his shot deflected off Saylor and Tim Krul tipped away, the rebound was buried by Johnson, grateful to Davide Santon for a lack of awareness.

It says much about our first-half performance that captain-for-the-day Mr T (total Toon goals: 1) was having most of our efforts on goal, as any attempts to get back into the game were blighted by poor crossing and decision-making, and HBA was struggling in the Dreamboat role. A last-ditch clearance to deny Debuchy was about as close as we came to reducing the deficit before the break.

The Silver Fox's half-time changes - the introduction of new boy Luuk de Jong in place of Little Big Lad, and a switch to 4-4-2 - signalled an acceptance that his tactics had been hopelessly exposed in the first period, when we were regularly overrun in midfield. The change of formation made a positive difference, even if de Jong didn't, looking off the pace and too often easily dispossessed. (It reminded me, worryingly, of Stephane Guivarc'h's debut when we were thrashed by Liverpool - though at least on that occasion the debutant striker scored.)

Vito Mannone made a fine save when Mr T finally got an effort on target and with power, but it was de Jong's strike partner Big Lad who had our three best chances. First he flashed a header wide from a set-piece; then he saw an improvised shot saved following an excellent long ball from Krul; and finally he sent another header goalwards only for Borini to clear off the line.

Though this implies correctly that we were applying considerable pressure to the 5under1and rearguard, the visitors remained dangerous on the break and indeed could well have extended their lead sooner than they did. Johnson's trickery dazzled a clutch of home defenders before he curled a shot off Krul's far post, and then the Dutchman pulled off an impressive interception when Alti-Can't-Hit-A-Barn-Door tried to round him.

In that instance it was Mr T who had cheaply surrendered possession in a dangerous area, but when the killer third came, it was HBA who was culpable, collapsing to the turf and appealing in vain to referee Phil Dowd while the Mackems played on. Borini slipped Colback in and his left-footed shot arrowed into the top corner.

That goal ensured the Mackems recorded three successive derby victories for the first time in 91 years - and our embarrassment wasn't even brought to a merciful close by the final whistle, as a smattering of youths calling themselves supporters decided to disrespect the joint message about having a derby to be proud of by lobbing glass bottles at police in the Bigg Market.

After the match, the Silver Fox - visibly shellshocked by events and the barracking he'd received from supporters - talked about "taking stock" and "going back to basics", adding: "We have to remember where we are in the league and what got us there". That would be fine if "what got us there" wasn't the goals of Remy, Dreamboat and Goofy, none of whom are available to us at present for a variety of reasons. Since putting five past Stoke on Boxing Day, we've failed to find the net in five of six league matches. Against the Mackems, we contrived to have no fewer than 28 attempts on goal and yet never really looked like scoring.

The Silver Fox may have got it horribly wrong tactically, but doesn't deserve all the flak and ire - the players must take their share, as must an owner more concerned with lining his own pocket than the club's future and a director of football who is yet to make a single permanent signing and who failed to replace Dreamboat despite admitting his January departure had been agreed months earlier. Those fans who publicly threw away their season ticket books were, I suspect, protesting about the way the club is being run off the pitch as well as a third humiliation by the Mackems on it. Pundits who talk about retaining a sense of perspective and point to our healthy league position - we're still eighth - ignore the fact that this is papering over a multitude of cracks.

Bear with me, though, as I try to end with some positives:

1. We've discovered the whereabouts of Sylvain Marveaux, who came on as a sub. Presumably he had been down the back of the Silver Fox's sofa all along.

2. De Jong wasn't injured on his debut (or indeed in a training session immediately before joining the club).

3. Due to their association with this debacle, we'll hopefully never see the Wonga clapperboards again.

4. It may have been the away fans celebrating, but at least we didn't have to go back to the Dark Place after the game.

5. Last time we were beaten by the Mackems, it was the catalyst for a superb November during which we recorded notable victories over Chelsea and Spurs. Next up for us are the return fixtures against both, so here's hoping this defeat has the same effect.

6. At least we're not Leeds.

A Mackem fan's perspective: Roker Report

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

City's sigh of relief as Remy has a night to rue

Norwich City 0 - 0 Newcastle Utd

This was a match that was always likely to be overshadowed by Dreamboat's impending departure to PSG, and so it proved - our inability to score a goal and claim the win we thoroughly deserved only serving to underline his importance to the side. Loic Remy will hog the headlines, though, repeatedly coming closest to breaking the deadlock before picking up a very untimely red card late on.

There were familiar faces in both the Norwich dugout (ex-Toon manager Chris Hughton) and the Norwich side (Sebastian Bassong), though thankfully Spidermag was ineligible to play under the Premier League's rules for loanees. For us, meanwhile, Dreamboat's absence coupled with the injuries to Goofy and Papiss Cisse was guaranteed to open the door to HBA, but the Silver Fox arguably also sprung a surprise in selecting Little Big Lad ahead of his older brother from the start.

Both decisions were vindicated in an extremely one-sided first half, the duo giving us trickery aplenty in wide areas. Likewise, Mathieu Debuchy justified his immediate recall from suspension, showing no signs of pining over the loss of his best mate.

But it was Remy who time and again found himself in the thick of the action. He had already curled narrowly wide of John Ruddy's goal and found the Canaries 'keeper's gloves with a shot when his cross caused chaos in the Norwich area, Ruddy flapping and the ball deflecting off Bradley Johnson and then the post. Remy rattled the upright himself shortly afterwards, and as the half drew to a close Little Big Lad set up HBA only for the Frenchman to blot his copybook and send the ball over Ruddy's bar.

The under-pressure Hughton will have had stern words in the home dressing room at the break, but we maintained our dominance into the second period. HBA was denied what would admittedly have been a soft penalty while Remy hit the woodwork for a third time, on this occasion with a free-kick of which Dreamboat would have been proud.

HBA went off with what we hope was cramp, replaced with Big Lad, as the players started to look somewhat demoralised at being still unable to score - but in fact it could have been worse had Gary Hooper's deflected attempt not hit the bar or Tim Krul not remained sufficiently alert to produce a good save late on to deny Robert Snodgrass.

By that point, both sides had been reduced to ten men, Chris Foy compounding Remy's frustrating evening with a red card for an alleged headbutt and issuing the same punishment for opponent Johnson for his role in the fracas. While Hughton has intimated that Norwich will appeal on behalf of their player, the Silver Fox ruled out us taking a similar course of action for Remy - despite claiming afterwards that Johnson "made such a drama out of it" and "should be ashamed of himself". A bit baffling, really - especially as he's such a crucial player to us at the moment and as, if you recall, Jonjo Shelvey got away with much the same thing on Debuchy when we visited Swansea in December (before inevitably going on to score).

After a typically turbulent few days towards the end of a transfer window, an away draw (our first of the season) and a clean sheet could be viewed as a welcome result, and certainly the performance gave much encouragement. However, the pessimist in me can't help but feel this was definitely a case of two points dropped rather than one gained, given the way we played and laid siege to the Canaries' goal.

Of course, the game will have significant ramifications in weeks to come as it will result in a suspension for Remy, our top scorer. Without him, the departed Dreamboat and the injured duo of Cisse and Goofy, we suddenly look very light in attack. Big Lad aka the Mackem Slayer will find himself at the front of the queue right on cue i.e. Derby Day, but we'll need to hope HBA is fully fit and we manage to get the deal for Luuk de Jong "over the line" in time for a baptism of fire.

A final word for Hughton, who at the end of his post-match press conference apparently had the decency to wish the Geordie reporters well for the derby. Here's hoping he manages to turn Norwich's season around - having been sacked from his job on Tyneside barely a month after guiding us to that splendid 5-1 derby victory, he's already had more rough treatment than he's deserved.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Upton lark

West Ham 1 - 3 Newcastle Utd

Another win on the road, another stellar performance from Dreamboat and another nail in Fat Sam's West Ham coffin. Frankly, Saturday couldn't have gone much better.

Sticking with the same team who had been robbed against Man City, the Silver Fox sent out a side with clear instructions to put right the perceived injustice of the previous weekend. Something which they set about with aplomb.

Once Goofy robbed Matt Taylor on halfway after only a quarter of an hour, he was charging forward on the attack. His square ball to Dreamboat saw the Frenchman take a couple of touches before calmly slotting the ball past Adrian in the Hammers' goal, to give us the lead.

The lead should have been doubled when Dreamboat threaded the ball through the middle of the West Ham team for Moussa Sissoko to run onto. His shot squirmed underneath the keeper, but he was able to recover and grab the ball before it crossed the line.

Better was to come, though, as Mr T found Mini V, whose first-time pass found Sissoko marauding down the right. His well-struck cross evaded the West Ham defence and fell to Loic Remy, who took the ball down on his chest before toe-poking it home for our second and leaving Fat Sam looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Dreamboat forced a good save from Adrian, before the Hammers were gifted a lifeline when carthorse Carlton Cole's shot was blocked by Tim Krul, only for the rebound to hit Iron Mike and run into the net on the stroke of half-time.

Thankfully, though, we came straight back out in the second half and looked to restore our two-goal advantage, Dreamboat again pulling the strings as he found Remy with another precise through-ball, only for his shot to be well saved.

Carlton Cole reverted to type, side-footing wide when well placed before Fat Sam threw on a bearded Rocky (who now bears such a staggering likeness to Mr Twit that you half expect to hear he's got a caged family of monkeys stood on their heads in the changing room). Rocky it was who then wasted his side's best chance, smashing a shot high over the bar.

The Silver Fox also made a change, replacing Remy with HBA. With the clock running down, Rocky fouled HBA on the edge of the Hammers' box and Dreamboat stepped up and capped a fine individual performance by lifting his kick over the wall and through the tightest of gaps between the keeper's fingertips and the post.

The result ended a four-game losing sequence that followed the 5-1 thumping of Stoke, and meant we've now won all of our London fixtures this season - no mean feat for a club who have customarily struggled in the capital (though admittedly trips to Chelsea and Arsenal are yet to come). Cardiff's St James' Park smash and grab raid has left us without a game this weekend, so next up are Norwich on Tuesday, and another reunion with a former Toon manager now in charge of a relegation-threatened side. Here's hoping for the same outcome.

West Ham fans' perspectives: The Game's Gone Crazy, West Ham Till I Die (more a general appreciation of Newcastle than a match report)

Other reports: BBC, Guardian