Best buys and fantastic flops

Over the past decade legions of players have come and gone - some making a significant impression and carving out a lasting place for themselves in our hearts, others whose departures were cause for street parties. Here we salute ten of our best signings during that period, and shake our fist at five of the worst.

Ten of the best

Tim Krul

Poor Steve Harper. No sooner had the perennial benchwarmer seen Shay Given finally crack and move to Man City, than the place between the sticks that he'd waited so long and so patiently for was under threat from some upstart young kid from the Netherlands.

Of the decision to award the 17-year-old Tim Krul a three-year contract in July 2005, I commented that it "suggests he's a fine prospect - though, of course, astute judgement isn't always something you associate with Souness and Shepherd". But even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, and sure enough a stunning debut against Palermo in the Europa League vindicated the club's faith.

It was to be a few years before he established himself as our first-choice 'keeper, but he's now a vital component of the team, as important on some occasions as our strikers - just recall his sensational performance in last season's visit to White Hart Lane. If only all our youthful recruits and Academy graduates went on to be such an unmitigated success... (Ben)

Nobby Solano (aka Everyone's Favourite Peruvian Trumpet-Playing Love Rat)

I love Nobby. I loved him the first time he played for us - all those magnificent curling balls with the outside of his right foot. His energy, his enthusiasm, his creative guile. I was absolutely gutted when Sir Bobby allowed him to go to Villa.

So when Grim Sourness brought him back on deadline day in 2005, notionally to provide a steady supply to Little Saint Mick, it was no surprise that he once again became a fixture in the side. As his career began to wane, he also turned himself into a reliable right-back.

I love Nobby for his trumpet playing, for his warm smile, for that fact that as a national hero. Am I jealous that the other half of this blog even got to shake his hand? Yes, I bloody well am. (Paul)

Antoine Sibierski

When Antoine Sibierski crept through the door in 2006, it's fair to say we were underwhelmed, unable to comprehend how and where the Frenchman would fit into our side. He looked like the footballing equivalent of an encounter in a nightclub at five minutes to 2am, with Glenn Roeder desperately grabbing the only person available after everyone else had made off with superficially more appealing options.

However, what we found was a player who stepped up to the plate in impressive fashion, scoring regularly as we enjoyed a Europa Cup run and endearing himself to us all with his hard running and commitment.  When he left a year later, he did so with little fanfare, but with our full respect. (Paul)

Fabriccio Coloccini (aka Sideshow Bob)

When Sideshow Bob made his competitive debut for us, as Kevin Keegan oversaw a creditable draw at Old Trafford (which what was probably the high point of the disastrous 2008/09 season), I described him as looking "strong and composed".

In fact, as the season wore on, our Argentinian centre-half struggled. He looked out of his depth and was part of a defence which struggled for consistency. Earmarked for departure by Shearer, it was something of a surprise that he was still with us when our season in the Championship began, but along with Jose Enrique, both players blossomed that season, their superior class and composure allowing them to grow and settle in English football, which meant that when we stormed back in to the Premier League both were able to soar.  While Enrique flew the coop, Sideshow Bob remains, and despite some off-field difficulties, he has remained loyal to the club (way more than many of his peers would have done in the circumstances).

While he may not be quite as good as Jonathan Woodgate (and that's a pub argument that can fill a evening in itself), his fitness record and longevity see him rightly hailed as one of the finest defenders to ever play centre-half for us. (Paul)

Cheik Tiote (aka Mr T)

Not only was Mr T a significant upgrade on Alan Smith, he was exactly half the price. The Ivorian signed from FC Twente for the bargain fee of £3.5m in August 2010 and, together with Sideshow Bob, ensured our newly promoted side had some serious backbone and never flirted with the prospect of returning back to the Championship.

His lust for a crunching tackle has regularly earned him a special place in referees' notebooks - he notched up an incredible 25 bookings in 50 league games over his first two seasons at the club, and received red cards against the Mackems and (more costly) Stevenage - but, when correctly channelled, that aggression has been instrumental in breaking up opposition attacks and driving us forwards.

His fierce commitment to the cause has endeared him to the Toon faithful, even if his habit of pirouetting in possession on the edge of his own area regularly has our hearts in our mouths. In 2012/13, he didn't enjoy the best of campaigns, but then who of our players did? Anyone who can both seal the most extraordinary comeback in Premier League history and help the disabled to walk for the first time is clearly capable of being a miracle worker. (Ben)

James Perch (aka Perchinho)

There was a time when we regularly bemoaned Perchinho's name appearing on a Newcastle team sheet.  Bookings in the first five consecutive Premier League games he played (a league record) only gave weight to the belief that he was out of his depth.

But he kept plugging away, working hard in training and as a result became a player we could all appreciate. Perchinho knew he wasn't the most creative player on the park, but equally he knew his role was a key one within the team. Whether at right-back, centre-back or in midfield, he always gave the best performance he could manage, and in that sense he was an easy player to relate to. He's the journeyman player who worked hard and made his way to the top - not through outrageous flair, but sheer bloodymindedness and hard graft. He's you, or me, if only we'd been spotted when we were younger. As such, when he left, it was with our best wishes and thanks for a job done as well as we could have done, in his position. (Paul)

Hatem Ben Arfa (aka HBA)

First there was David Ginola, then Laurent Robert, and then, in August 2010 (initially on loan), HBA. All Gallic geniuses who could be frustratingly inconsistent, temperamental, lazy and sulky but who were blessed with sublime skill and outrageous ability. And HBA arguably has the most sublime skill and most outrageous ability of the lot.

A wonderful winner at Goodison Park on his first start for the club promised much, but then Nigel de Jong intervened and it wasn't until the following season, a permanent deal having been struck in January 2011, that we were able to see him in action again. His form over the second half of that campaign was nothing short of electrifying, and he scored two of the most sensational goals I've ever had the pleasure to witness, first against Blackburn in an FA Cup tie and later against Bolton in a routine home league win.

HBA has never quite reached those levels again since then, but he remains an exceptionally talented footballer. Unfairly scapegoated and sidelined by a manager who, like many before him, has found his psychological fragility difficult to engage with, HBA looks set to leave St James' Park this summer - the place will be much the poorer without him. (Ben)

Yohan Cabaye (aka Dreamboat)

You don't know what you've got until it's gone, they say. And they're certainly right when it comes to Dreamboat, whose absence was keenly felt from the moment he left to join PSG in January.

Rewind two and a half years. The internationally capped captain of the recently crowned French double winners available for under £4.5m - surely it was too good to be true? Not so, as was subsequently proven by a campaign in which he was instrumental in us so very nearly claiming a Champions League spot. The following season was more of a struggle in terms of form and fitness, but by the time of his departure he had once again reasserted himself as the man who made us tick, a complete midfielder who could do pretty much everything - score a goal, pick a pass, win a tackle - all the while looking rogueishly handsome.

Two goals and a man-of-the-match-winning performance at Upton Park was a fine way to sign off, though the winner at Old Trafford and another superb display at Selhurst Park are also still fresh in the memory as we continue to rue his loss and the damage it inflicted on our season. (Ben)

Demba Ba

Deadline day in August 2011, and Paul voiced the frustration and anger felt by ourselves and thousands of fans that, seven months after flogging Rocky to Liverpool, we still hadn't secured a replacement. As it turned out, we had, a couple of months earlier.

Demba Ba may have arrived (on HBA's recommendation) to little fanfare and for no fee, but he soon set about proving his value. Not only did he plunder a total of 29 goals in 54 appearances for the club, including hat-tricks against Blackburn and Stoke, the latter having rejected him on medical grounds; he also proved accommodating when Papiss Cisse's arrival in January 2012 necessitated a change of formation.

As with Dreamboat, Ba's departure (in January 2013, to Chelsea, after 'Appy 'Arry had made public the existence of a release clause in his contract) wrecked our campaign, but I don't think we could seriously begrudge him a move to a side with realistic trophy ambitions. The only people who could be legitimately aggrieved at his decision were those local shopkeepers who'd bought tons of strawberry syrup to sell to fans wanting to emulate their hero, and whoever thought it would be wise to use him as the face of January in the official 2013 club calendar... (Ben)

Loic Remy

A French-born striker who impressed with a London club but who couldn't quite single-handedly save them from relegation? For Demba Ba, read Loic Remy. We've had some duff loan forwards over the last decade - Shefki Kuqi, Giuseppe Rossi (now a mainstay of the Italian national squad) and most recently Luuk de Jong - but Remy certainly doesn't fall into that category.

After snubbing us in January 2013 in preference for a higher salary at Loftus Road, we argued that he had some work to do to win the fans' forgiveness upon signing the following August  - but he did so in some style, scoring 14 times, including five in a four-game spell in September/October and a further three in three in November. Our second-half-of-the-season slump (and chronic inability to score) coincided not only with Dreamboat's departure but with Remy's struggles with injury and suspension. How our season might have turned out without him doesn't bear thinking about.

Any player who arrives at St James' Park with a rape charge hanging over him (subsequently dropped) and who is involved in a motoring incident within a couple of months of being on Tyneside would seem tailor-made for us, but sadly it looks as though the man named as NUST's Player of the Year will be plying his trade elsewhere next season. (Ben)

Five of the worst

Jean-Alain Boumsong

Believe it or not, Jean-Alain Boumsong made a reasonable enough start to his Newcastle career upon arrival in January 2005. Indeed, he was arguably the only player to emerge from the wreckage of our heavy FA Cup semi-final defeat that year with any credit; his slip may have gifted Man Utd a lead from which they never looked back, but at times he was like King Canute in the face of a red-shirted tide.

2005/6 was a very different story, though, and before long he was making Titus Bramble look like Mr Reliable and prompting comparisons to Marcelino, arguably the most humiliating thing that can happen to any Newcastle player, despite inexplicably continuing to feature in the French squad.

What made matters worse was that Souness had shelled out £8m for a player who had cost Rangers nothing just six months earlier, and when - to our disbelief - Italian giants Juventus swooped for him, it represented a £4.7m loss over the course of just a year and a half. We weren't the only ones to smell something fishy about the original deal - Lord Stevens did too... (Ben)

Michael Owen (aka Little Saint Mick)

I was seriously deliberating whether Little Saint Mick should feature in the "ten of the best" list. After all, at the time (August 2005), bringing England's top striker back to the country from Real Madrid when he should have been at the peak of his abilities looked like a major coup, even for a record fee - and it wasn't just Fat Fred, Souness or Newcastle fans who felt that way. Indeed there were promising signs early in that first season: a 3-0 win at West Brom that suggested he could replicate his old England partnership with Wor Al; a pre-Christmas hat-trick at Upton Park.

But then, at White Hart Lane, came the injury that was to rule him out for the rest of the domestic season, a 28-minute cameo against Birmingham in the penultimate game aside. Much worse was to follow, though. Desperate to play in that summer's World Cup in Germany, he later admitted he was willing to put country before club and take a gamble on his fitness that backfired in spectacular fashion when he sustained anterior cruciate knee ligament damage against Sweden.

We were left to "pick up the pieces", as Fat Fred put it, and Owen was never quite the same again. He managed just 79 appearances over the course of four seasons (albeit scoring 30 goals in the process), drawing a huge salary all the while, before slinking off to the Man Utd bench in 2009 after our relegation and the expiry of his contract. What really rankles is the way he's not only failed to comprehend the root of the fans' disgruntlement but has sought to belittle, mock and patronise us at every opportunity - most recently this February. Things couldn't have turned much more sour. (Ben)

Albert Luque

Like Little Saint Mick, Albert Luque was one of a raft of signings in the summer of 2005, checking in four days before the former Real Madrid man and Nobby Solano but after Scott Parker and Emre had already got their feet under the table. Like our other acquisition from la Liga, he arrived at a good age, with a considerable reputation and for a hefty premium. And like Little Saint Mick, he too turned out to be an absolute unmitigated disaster.

The reasons for the failure of another signing scrutinised by Lord Stevens are less immediately apparent. Perhaps it was homesickness and an inability to settle in the region; perhaps it was an uncertainty over his best position (wide on the left, behind the strikers, or up front?); most likely, it was an apparent refusal to show any kind of effort or application.

After spurning numerous chances for redemption, he finally ambled off to Ajax in August 2007, leaving only fleeting positive memories: the winner in the Palermo game in which Tim Krul made his debut; the final goal in Wor Al's final match, against the Mackems; and opening the scoring in the great man's testimonial a month later. No one on Tyneside would be prepared to give Luque a testimonial of any kind. (Ben)

Sol Campbell

What's that lumbering over the hill? It's Sol Campbell (or a pale shadow of his former self) looking for one last pay day. In hindsight, we have only ourselves to blame. In our desperation to add an experienced defender to the squad ahead of our return to the top flight, we were seduced by the availability of a one-time England centre-back whom we'd pursued on several occasions previously. For the player's part, the motivation behind finally agreeing to move to Tyneside was both money and, it seems, the influence of his new Geordie bride.

The alarm bells should have been sounded by the fact that he had walked out on fellow Magpies Notts County after just one game, and his commitment to our cause was equally questionable from the very beginning, when he turned up for pre-season training looking like he'd eaten the entire contents of Greggs.

Thankfully Chris Hughton had only signed him on a one-year deal and for no transfer fee - but the £35,000 a week he trousered for doing next to nothing still smarts. We've had other flops who've cost us more, and over a longer period of time, but probably no others who've prompted a fundamental shift in transfer policy. (Ben)

Nile Ranger (aka the Lone Ranger)

The thing that still pisses me off about the Lone Ranger is that he has all this talent, and yet he wasted his time at Newcastle, and continues to waste it after his departure, by being a dick.

Whether it was getting dropped due to his lack of punctuality, writing his name in £20 notes or being prosecuted for a selection of deeply unpleasant misdemeanours, his was the cautionary tale you show to your kids and say: "Whatever he does, do the opposite..."

Since leaving Newcastle he's gone on to fulfil the depressing trajectory which we foresaw. Dropping down the leagues, continuing to come into contact with the law, getting his name tattooed on his own face - it's a sad and sorry saga, which looks like only ever having one end. (Paul)

* * * * *

Update: In compiling the "five of the worst" above, we appear to have forgotten about both striker the Xisco Kid, who cost us £5.7m per goal (or, in other words, £5.7m), and Ignacio Gonzalez, the midfielder brought in on loan at the same time, whose signing proved to be the straw that broke King Kev's back and was (it transpired) an attempt to curry favour with South American agents. But who could blame us for wanting to do that?

For the record, other players we considered featuring included Celestine Babayaro, Alan Smith, David Rozenhal, Joey Barton, Cacapa, Dan Gosling, Shefki Kuqi, Romain Amalfitano and Luuk de Jong.

Championship chasers

Congratulations to James Tavernier and Haris Vuckic, who are all set to strut their stuff at Wembley with Rotherham in the League 1 play-off final next Sunday. The Millers booked their appearance with a 4-2 aggregate win over Preston, Tavernier setting up the final goal of Thursday night's 3-1 second-leg victory. Vuckic only saw the last three minutes of normal time, so will be hoping to be more involved in the final.

Meanwhile, it's been confirmed that, as had been mooted though subject to a medical, Dan Gosling will join Bournemouth when his contract expires in July. When he arrived, we had high hopes, but four years on and only a handful of distinctly underwhelming appearances later, his departure is no great loss to anyone except the medical staff.

Gosling to fly the nest?

So Dan Gosling, out of contract in July, may be off to Bournemouth? That figures - the life of a lazy seaside convalescent whose best years are receding into the distance will suit him well.

Meanwhile, Paul Dummett's red card against Liverpool has been rightly rescinded - for what little it matters.

Quote of the day

"Newcastle are looking to recruit a host of English-based players this summer after making a flurry of French signings for the 2013/14 campaign."

I'm not sure quite what the Daily Star's Gary Jones has been drinking, but it must be enough to have him seeing double or even treble if he thinks Loic Remy and Luuk de Jong constitute "a flurry of French signings".

The quote appears in an article suggesting that the Silver Fox has targeted Aston Villa duo Andreas Weimann and Fabian Delph. Both are young but with Premier League experience and have performed reasonably well in a struggling side this year, Delph in particular - but with Villa looking to rebuild themselves this summer, they will no doubt be reluctant to part with them unless at a premium. That said, perhaps we can exploit the uncertainty now surrounding the club's ownership...

Loic who's looking on at the Emirates

When Loic Remy took up compatriot Bacary Sagna's invitation to sit in his executive box at the Emirates to take in Arsenal's victory over West Brom on Sunday, he must surely have known it would give fresh life to transfer rumours that have been bubbling under for a while. Needless to say, our loan striker is now being heavily linked with a summer move to the Gunners - even if his chum Sagna may well be on his way out.

Even if we had both the will and the finances (the former likely, the latter not), our prospects of signing Remy on a permanent basis would be slim given the interest his goalscoring exploits have aroused, and choosing Arsenal over us would be a no-brainer. The deal would make perfect sense for the Gunners, too, who are overly reliant on Olivier Giroud, a player who has regularly found the net this season but can't offer the sort of pace and mobility that Remy would bring.

As I argued of Demba Ba, we would have no grounds for complaint if Remy were to decide to seek his fortune in London rather than stay on Tyneside. On the contrary, he deserves to be thanked for his considerable efforts in hauling a sputtering, otherwise goalshy side to a top-half finish and sent on his way with our very best wishes.

The flying Dutchman?

I'm not sure what's most surprising in this article: the fact that Tim Krul has lost his place in the Dutch national squad or the claim that, were he to leave in the summer in a bid to regain it, one of the prime candidates to replace him would be Fraser Forster.

Let's take that first point. While Krul has suffered slightly with form and fitness issues since the turn of the year, just as the whole team have, he remains an excellent goalkeeper and is surely worthy of consideration for his country ahead of the likes of Swansea's Michel Vorm. That extraordinary match-winning display at Spurs back in November should have secured him a slot for life...

As for the second, we would look rather silly to have let Forster go only to then buy him back (no doubt at an inflated cost). For his part, Forster was desperate to leave St James' Park and get the first-team football he craved, apparently aggrieved that his path to our first team was blocked by Krul. As the Dutchman's replacement, he wouldn't have to worry about that any more, but nevertheless, having left slightly under a cloud, you do wonder whether he would really "welcome a return to Newcastle", as the Journal insist. Perhaps the widely anticipated ousting of the Silver Fox, the man who denied him the opportunity to stake a claim for the position, would be the key to any deal.

Quote of the day

"We have limited resources at the moment and when we lose one or two key players it hurts the team badly. That is what the manager has had to put up with, unfortunately. That is something the club have to put right for next season. We need quality players and we need a quality squad as well. This has all been brought out to a lot of people but we, as players, knew that. I think the fans are getting to see that now."

Big Lad shows he's got the balls to state the obvious and point the finger at Jabba, though perhaps only because he knows he'll almost certainly be shown the door in the summer. It's also worth pointing out that he appears to exonerate the Silver Fox of his share of the blame and to excuse the woeful lack of effort displayed by the players he does have at his disposal (Big Lad included)...

Charnley steps up as Jabba cashes out

So the new man filling the managing director shoes vacated last June by Derek Llambias isn't new at all - it's former club secretary Lee Charnley. He marked his appointment with the release of a lengthy mission statement that largely reiterated what was communicated in the most recent Fans' Forum. The Ronny Gill's Neil Cameron has analysed it closely and written a sharp critique, so I won't dwell on it for too long except to flag up one particularly staggering admission: "We don’t look at transfer windows in isolation, but rather as a full trading year, and our intention for the first team is to sign one or two players per year to strengthen the squad."

It's a marker of the club hierarchy's delusions if they genuinely believe that one or two signings a year would be sufficient to ensure progress. As underlined by our last three matches, the brutal truth is that the squad needs a significant overhaul in the summer - perhaps four or five players in several different areas, and that's before we even start talking about the possible sales of the likes of Tim Krul and Mathieu Debuchy. A couple of additions would be likely to see us neither advance nor stand still but regress in relation to all those around us. It's a policy that's very hard to square with the claim that "our primary focus will remain the Premier League", given that it would be a recipe for relegation to the Championship...

Charnley's statement pours more than a bucket of cold water on any hopes we might have had that the £200m Jabba has just pocketed from the unexpected sale of Sports Direct shares might be put towards bankrolling a serious summer spending spree. Fat Fred (remember him?) has crawled out from under his rock to claim that he would "not be surprised" if Jabba was actually gearing up to cash out of the club too - and to hint at a desire to resume control should Jabba choose to sell up. You know things are grim if that prospect looks like salvation of sorts. Better the devil you used to know than the devil you've had to put up with for the last seven years?

Question time

So, other than the club's reflections on the latest set of accounts, what else was there of note to come out of the most recent Fans Forum?

1. JFK wasn't solely responsible for the programme notes attributed to him - in reality he "was involved in the drafting of the notes but that the overall messaging was determined collaboratively and could be read as communication from the board". Just as we all suspected, in truth - there's no way that, left to his own devices, he could be trusted to produce something scrupulously profanity-free...

2. A request for more information on JFK's departure met with a terse "no further comment to make", while it was confirmed that filling the director of football role he vacated "would be reviewed in the summer" (with the option of scrapping it altogether presumably also on the table).

3. There was an equally terse response to a fans' representative who, quite reasonably, said "he would like to see the Club attempting to improve the tone of coverage afforded by NCJ Media by ending the current ban": "The Club referred to its comments in the previous Fans Forum meeting and had nothing further to add." Nice to know they're open to dialogue, isn't it?

4. When the issue of revenue raised through Sports Direct advertising in St James' Park was mentioned, it was explained that while this doesn't reduce the debt the club owes to Jabba, it does grease his palms sufficiently to allow him to keep the loan interest-free.

5. The club's apparent lack of ambition was, understandably, a hot topic. It was claimed that "the aim for the Club is always to finish as high up the league table as possible, with top ten a minimum requirement this season". All fine and well, but how does that square with making just two signings in the last two transfer windows, both loans, and selling our best player without securing a replacement? The actions of a club setting itself up to fail - and to hang the manager out to dry.

6. As regards Dreamboat, there was plenty of flannel: "In respect of the transfer, the board explained that the Club did not want to sell the player. However, the player was adamant he wanted to leave. The Club made a substantial bid for a replacement but an agreement could not be reached with the prospective selling club. The Club also pursued other options but particular clubs were unwilling to sell. The board explained that the January window is disruptive for clubs and that there are far more options available to it in the summer window." No mention of the fact that the informal agreement struck with Dreamboat in August meant we'd known of the likelihood of his departure months before it happened and so had no excuse for not having a plan in place. At least there was a hint of regret, if not an outright apology - "The board suggested that if it was to be self-critical, it should have had a young player who could naturally step into the squad as it aims to in all positions" - though of course that compounds the failings of our transfer dealings by flagging up the failings of our academy.

7. While it was explained that the Away Fans Fund was "designed to be spent on the clubs' own fans who travel and the designated away end in their stadium", the club wasn't very forthcoming with details on how the £200,000 we received had actually been spent.

8. Following a suggestion in a previous Fans Forum, Gael Bigirimana has been appointed as our Equality Ambassador, a role which involves working closely with the Newcastle United Foundation and Kick It Out. At least it'll give him something to do, given he currently appears to be nowhere near the first team...

9. The Silver Fox formally pledged the club's support for the Football v Homophobia campaign before the home game with Spurs. A very welcome move - only the previous week I had expressed dissatisfaction and bafflement at our silence on the issue.

Pap staying put - for now

In today's Shields Gazette, Miles Starforth is reporting that the club yesterday rejected a bid from Turkish side Fenerbahce for Papiss Cisse. That might not be the end of the story, though, with Russian outfit Rubin Kazan rumoured to be lining up their own approach.

The news is a timely reminder that some transfer windows elsewhere in the world are still open, and so, with an owner fond of cash in hand, our squad remains vulnerable. As regards Cisse specifically, there's no doubt he's a player spectacularly out of form - even last year he looked a shadow of the striker who was scoring for fun as we galloped to a hugely creditable fifth place in 2011/2. Even then, though, common sense dictates that it would be a huge mistake to cash in now - even with the arrival of Luuk de Jong we're short of numbers in attack, and wouldn't be able to reinvest the transfer fee in a replacement until the summer. The only problem is that, as ever, common sense is in short supply at St James'.

Fingers crossed any further bids are also rejected and Cisse rediscovers his fitness and touch in front of goal sooner rather than later - and learns the offside rule.

Fat Cockney bastard gets out of our club

At last, something for us fans to rejoice about (and something for the club's overworked PR department to breathe a sigh of relief about): JFK has followed his own advice to countless journalists and fucked off. Even still, with nothing to show from two transfer windows except a pair of loanees who were already on our radar before his appointment as director of football, the fact that he's been afforded the opportunity to resign rather than simply being given the boot beggars belief - though I suppose that comes down to his chumminess with Jabba.

The events of last week proved the final straw. JFK had promised no players would be sold, and yet in the wake of Dreamboat's departure he admitted there had been an agreement in place for the player he unapologetically misnamed Yohan Kebab to leave in January. Not only did this attempt to shift the blame onto Dreamboat underline that the promise had been a blatant lie (certainly not the only one he told during his time on Tyneside), it also unwittingly revealed the level of the buffoon's incompetence - even with significant forewarning of the player's departure, he was still incapable of sourcing and securing a suitable replacement. In his interview after the derby defeat, the Silver Fox struggled to keep a lid on his irritation at JFK's ineptitude: "If I was in charge, solely, of transfers things might be different but I'm not. I think I've made my opinions very clear this week and all the rest of it is confidential."

Sadly, the timing of the resignation isn't ideal - the damage has been done for this campaign, and we'll just have to soldier on with what we've got. If only JFK had walked before the end of January - or, better still, never been appointed to a position far beyond his meagre capabilities in the first place. (Those capabilities, in case you're wondering, are swearing and self-delusion.)

No doubt his pride will be wounded, but JFK does at least have the consolation of knowing that he's "more intelligent" than all of us critics. Here's hoping that the man who made himself (and us) a laughing stock by boasting he "could open the door to any manager in the world" soon finds gainful employment in his dream job as a doorman.

So, as regards fat Cockney bastards, that's one down and one to go.

Good news for Dundee Utd

Lest the club should be accused of inactivity on the final day of the transfer window, I should point out that something did happen: Curtis Good joined Dundee Utd on loan. The Australian defender has followed young reserve colleagues Conor Newton and Adam Campbell in signing up for a temporary spell north of the border. He's only featured for us once since signing in the summer of 2012, in the League Cup fixture at Morecambe earlier this season, so it's hardly surprising he's jumped at the chance to gain some first-team experience.

Meanwhile, the loans of James Tavernier and Haris Vuckic to Rotherham have been extended to the end of the season - understandable and expected, as it was a no-brainer from the perspective of both clubs and both players.

Automatic reply: Transfer window

I am currently out of the office, enjoying the fuck out of a long weekend in the Lake District. I will respond to your fucking email on Monday.

Kind regards (unless you're Simon Bird, in which case you can fuck off)

Joe Kinnear

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

From: bwrao@outlook.com
To: jfk@nufc.co.uk
Subject: Transfer window
Sent: 31/01/2014, 12:37

Dear Joe

Please could you stop sitting on your arse, pull your finger out of it and get us a replacement for Dreamboat.

Yours sincerely

All at Black & White & Read All Over

Best-laid plans

"I love it when a plan comes together". I bet Hannibal's glad he was part of the A-Team rather than the Newcastle Utd team, then, because at St James' Park few plans ever come together.

Take, for instance, the recent plan which seems to have been to flog Dreamboat to PSG and then recruit Clement Grenier as a younger, cheaper replacement. Admittedly, Stage 1 was accomplished successfully, but Stage 2 has proven much trickier to execute. Damn Lyon for lobbing a spanner into the works and rejecting our bid - the mean spoilsports.

Stilll, all is not lost - we can just take our cue from PSG's dogged pursuit of Dreamboat and trust they'll be more receptive to an increased offer, can't we? Unfortunately, no. Even if Jean-Michel Aulas can be offered sufficient compensation to part with the French international, there's an additional stumbling block. Unlike Dreamboat, the player himself isn't eager for the deal to happen, and for a number of reasons helpfully detailed by his agent Frederic Guerra.

First, Grenier doesn't want to leave the club midway through a season, at the very end of the transfer window and in a World Cup year ("not safe at all"). Second, he's been given assurances of game time from coach Remi Garde, assurances to which we presumably couldn't commit. Third, he's undervalued at half Dreamboat's price (that perhaps might just be Guerra talking here, mind). And finally, but most significantly, he doesn't want to be tagged as Dreamboat's replacement, and that's exactly what he would be.

In light of all that, any attempts to continue negotiations with Lyon seem futile. A shame, really, as this useful scouting report and this "super amazing" free-kick give the impression he's a very promising talent.

Time for Plan B, then. I'm sure there's a Plan B. Is there a Plan B? JFK, are you there?

The Dreamboat has sailed

So it's official, then: we've waved au revoir to Dreamboat, who's sailed off to PSG in pursuit of greater fame and fortune. More than a few hearts - both female and male - have been broken on Tyneside and, as one Twitter user quipped, we can only hope that club officials have removed his chum Mathieu Debuchy's shoelaces and belt...

Dreamboat was on his way as soon as the French side put in a firm offer and it was rebuffed without the standard accompaniment of a "Not for sale" message. The implication was clearly that if the price was right, we would sell - and a club like Qatari-owned PSG for whom money is no object were never going to pass up an invitation to make a larger offer. That initial bid left me clinging desperately to the hope that he might turn down the move on personal grounds - but that was wishful thinking in the extreme, given the lure of returning to his homeland with his boyhood favourites who are top of Ligue 1 and can offer Champions League football.

Dreamboat has spoken about his excitement at joining an "ambitious project" - some fans may flag up what this implies about the club he's just left behind, but I don't think this is actually necessarily a reflection on our own ambition, as no one could have realistically expected us to hold onto him in the face of that temptation and an offer that matched our valuation.

When Dreamboat signed, in June 2011, it seemed like something of a coup to have secured the services of a 25-year-old French international midfielder, one who had just captained unfancied Lille to the Ligue 1 title, for just £4.3m - and so it proved. After a comically inauspicious start to his Newcastle career - unable to join the squad on a pre-season tour of the US due to a dispute over a dental bill - he soon established himself as the lynchpin of the side. It's no coincidence that our fortunes have waxed and waned with his form - great in his first season in England, poor last campaign (partly, he claimed, due to post-Euro 2012 depression), back to his sparkling best this term. He contributes goals, assists and cultured passing, while also loving a tackle - somewhat unusually for a creative player, he's no stranger to a yellow card.

What will Dreamboat be best remembered for? The stunning free-kick in the 3-0 St James' Park demolition of Man Utd in January 2012? His brace and delicious assist for Papiss Cisse in the 3-0 win over Stoke in April of that year? His thumping volley at Anfield that autumn? For me, though, it would have to be the goal last December that ended the Old Trafford hoodoo. It was fitting, too, that he was superb on his final appearance for the club, pulling the strings and inspiring us to victory over Fat Sam's West Ham with a pair of goals. Aside from the petulant strop he threw in August following a derisory bid of £10m from Arsenal, after which he quickly kissed and made up, he's conducted himself well and enjoyed good relations with the supporters, who have been serenading Jabba from the terraces with the song "Don't sell Cabaye".

Of course, our owner has taken no notice of the fans, as usual, and decided to cash in. Theoretically we could have declared Dreamboat was off limits at any price and clung onto him until the summer, which would have allowed us to see how a promising season panned out, before selling at a time when we would have more time to source a suitable replacement. But the lure of hard cash now, with our Premier League status already almost secure for another season and little appetite for Europa League qualification, was too much for Jabba to resist.

In fact, it's emerged that not accepting a reasonable offer would have been to renege on an agreement Dreamboat struck in August, in the wake of the Arsenal debacle. While many fans will bemoan the way a January sale has been secretly on the cards for months, I'm inclined to be grateful for the fact that we managed to get his head straightened out and profited from his talent for six months more than might otherwise have been the case.

So where does Dreamboat's departure leave us? In simple terms, we no longer have a creative central midfielder who can pick a pass, unlock a defence and keep us ticking over nicely. Fans' favourite HBA is now likely to feature more regularly, but he's a markedly different type of player, operating predominantly in wider areas and lacking his compatriot's tenacity in the tackle.

The fee - £19m, potentially rising beyond £20m - is potentially very good business for a player who was an absolute steal at just over £4m two and a half years ago; I say only "potentially" because it all hinges on whether that profit is subsequently invested wisely in strengthening the team, as the Silver Fox insists it should be, or whether it's simply trousered by Jabba. We would struggle to replace Dreamboat adequately in any circumstances, let alone with less than 48 hours to go until the transfer window shuts and with JFK in charge of our transfers. Between now and 11pm tomorrow, watch this space - though I fear that for the rest of the season we'll be left ruefully watching the space Dreamboat used to fill.

Toon get a Luuk in

On a busy day on Tyneside, Dreamboat's departure wasn't yesterday's only bit of transfer news, as we finally succeeded in getting a deal over the fabled line. Pleasingly we've been able to reach an agreement with Borussia Monchengladbach on our terms rather than what were reported to be theirs, signing striker Luuk de Jong on an initial loan so we can assess him at close quarters rather than having to commit to a hefty transfer fee.

The Netherlands international's arrival couldn't be much more timely, given that our attack has been blunted by injury and suspension. We need him to hit the ground running - a big ask for any player coming into the pressure-cooker atmosphere of a derby match, and particularly one who is desperately short of form and match fitness.

No go for Yo - yet

And so it begins - we've rejected a £14m bid for Dreamboat from PSG. That's very unlikely to be the end of it, though, with the moneybags leaders of Ligue 1 expected to come back with a bigger offer and known admirers Man Utd also keen to add more than just Juan Mata to their currently weak midfield. With Jabba at the helm, it's accepted that every player has his price - even the one who has been the absolute fulcrum of our side this season - so the chances of us retaining his services into February are far from certain.

The one glimmer of hope is that even if we accept a bid, Dreamboat may possibly turn down the move himself. It's been rumoured that he's concerned about the possibility of being restricted to sporadic appearances for the French side, and perhaps that might dissuade him from joining other clubs too - at least with us he knows he's the main man.

Quote of the day

"They are not a big club. And I hope another club tries to buy him. As a player I would not even want to spend a week there."

Poor old Rolland Courbis. Such a shame for the Montpellier coach that his best player Remy Cabella feels rather differently about us - and that his agent (and father) is adamant the winger will move to St James' Park this transfer window.

One player possibly going in the opposite direction across the Channel is Dreamboat, with the Torygraph's Luke Edwards reheating claims of a £20m+ bid from moneybags PSG. All we can do is sit tight and hope such a bid doesn't come in - if it does (and that looks increasingly likely with every performance like Saturday's at Upton Park), then the odds are that Jabba will cash in without giving it a second thought.

Jong love

I'm not convinced that "I can imagine going" - a lukewarm, non-committal statement if ever there was one - quite constitutes a "'come and get me' plea", but that's what the Ronny Gill are claiming with regard to Luuk de Jong's potential move to St James' Park.

The Netherlands striker was hot property when he announced his intention to leave FC Twente in the summer of 2012, Bundesliga outfit Borussia Monchengladbach beating us (and others) to his signature in a £12.6m deal. So it's something of a surprise to note that the move has turned very sour, de Jong having fallen out of favour with coach Lucien Favre and openly criticised him for a lack of game time.

Both the player and his club appear keen for a permanent deal to be struck, but we'd allegedly prefer to be cautious and sign him on loan, at least initially. That would probably be prudent - after all, he's likely to be short of match fitness and form. It would however take us to our loanee limit, which would mean any other signings would have to be on a permanent basis - not necessarily an issue, but knowing Jabba's reluctance to part with any cash that might end up being the sum total of our transfer activity.

So long, Spidermag

When Spidermag took to Twitter at the weekend to say "It was an honour and a pleasure to play with the Newcastle shirt and to have the support of the Geordies", it was clear his time on Tyneside would soon be up. There was hardly time for speculation about his possible destination to start circulating before his former manager Chris Hughton, now at Norwich, confirmed the Canaries' interest - and now a loan deal for the remainder of the season has been agreed.

Back in 2008, King Kev was delighted with the recruitment of the Argentine (certainly more delighted than he was with subsequent purchases made on his behalf...) and Spidermag announced his arrival in English football with a tremendous debut as we drew at Old Trafford. Sadly, just as that was a false dawn for a season that was to end in relegation, he never quite lived up to those early high standards, or his billing as one of the best players in the league (according to one Lionel Messi). He certainly grafted hard but rarely gave us as much as might have been hoped going forwards - ten goals in 195 appearances is a poor return from a supposedly attacking player. As a winger, his crosses were too often below par, flat and easily cut out, and when the Silver Fox shifted him to a more central and defensive role he was too easily knocked off the ball to be effective.

Spidermag's regular inclusion in the side last year was to the annoyance of many fans who failed to understand what he contributed, but this campaign his status as a manager's favourite has been lost and, also afflicted by injury, he's featured just twice - rumours suggesting that a couple more appearances would have triggered a clause in his contract resulting in a new deal and pay rise. In his absence, Goofy has established himself as a superior player in the same mould - an exceedingly hardworking and defensively savvy operator on the flank, but one who can also come up with crucial goals at crucial times.

Spidermag is an astute signing for the struggling Canaries, and a known quantity for Hughton, and goes with our best wishes. Let's hope this kickstarts our own recruitment drive - we need bodies in, especially if we're prepared to let bodies leave.