Danny in the dock

Poor old Danny Simpson: dumped by Tulisa and now accused of apparently confusing himself with a Danny Dyer character. Our former right-back has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting a man with an iron bar following the theft of his mobile phone. Readers will recall it's not the first time he's got himself into trouble in his native Manchester, either...

Oh Danny boys

Danny Simpson may have managed only two goals in 138 appearances for Newcastle, but it's taken him just two games to get off the mark for his new side QPR. Tulisa's ex grabbed the second goal as the Hoops comfortably defeated League Two Exeter in the League Cup.

On the subject of old boys finding the back of the net, it escaped my attention (and therefore mention in my round-up of the weekend's action) that Reading's winner on their return to the Championship was struck by Danny Guthrie. Having been a peripheral figure under Brian McDermott, the savagely shorn midfielder appears to be featuring in Nigel Adkins' plans.

Pitch perfect for Perchinho

The Football League kicked off on Saturday, and Perchinho's Wigan debut couldn't have gone much better. Aided and abetted by a red card for Barnsley debutant Dale Jennings, the Latics romped to a 4-0 away win as they kicked off their bid for an immediate return to the top flight in fine style.

Danny Simpson's new side QPR have similar ambitions, and got off to their own winning start by beating Sheffield Wednesday 2-1. Simpson's old St James' Park colleague ASBO was partnered in central midfield by Karl Henry, the pair apparently nemeses no more following a kiss-and-make-up session shortly after the latter's arrival from Wolves.

Elsewhere in the Championship, Shane Ferguson couldn't prevent Birmingham from opening their campaign with a home defeat - though Blues do at least have the consolation of knowing they're unlikely to be the last side to be beaten on their own patch by most people's promotion favourites Watford. In the sole fixture yesterday, there was a familiar name on the scoresheet for Blackburn, first-half substitute Leon O'Best popping up with an 89th minute equaliser at Pride Park. Good to see him back playing again.

Further down the divisions, James Tavernier helped Shrewsbury keep a clean sheet at home to MK Dons, but it was a baptism of fire for Michael Richardson, whose Accrington Stanley side suffered a 4-1 spanking at League Two new boys Newport.

Gone fishing

The farewell to James Perch - who's signed for Wigan for a fee rumoured to be around £700,000 - is somewhat fonder than it might have been during his first season on Tyneside. The Nottingham-born player was mockingly nicknamed Perchinho in reference to his less than star quality - but, to the considerable surprise of both ourselves and the Forest fans who'd guffawed at our eagerness to take him off their hands, he gradually matured into a useful, committed utility player who loved a tackle on the pitch (whether at centre-back, full-back or in defensive midfield) and an amiable character who conducted himself well off it. Much like Antoine Sibierski before him, we warmed to him for showing an honest endeavour and determination to make the best of his ability - valuable and rare commodities to fans so often used to witnessing marquee signings fail to deliver on their promise and hype and simply go through the motions. All the best, Perchinho - to you if not your new club...

In stepping down to the Championship, Perchinho has followed in the footsteps of Danny Simpson, who - as had been expected - has opted to sign up and become part of 'Appy 'Arry's attempt to get QPR back into the top flight at the first time of asking. The player stats suggested was the best right-back in the Premier League as recently as April last year now finds himself in the capital, with all the temptations and distractions that holds for someone who didn't always keep his nose clean while in our employ. We'll watch with interest how 'Appy 'Arry's attempts to change the culture of unprofessionalism at the Hoops pans out...

Get Bent?

Today's Torygraph has us linked with a move for ex-Mackem Darren Bent. While shelling out £6m+ for a player who spent last season kicking his heels on the bench of one of our relegation rivals might seem daft, I'd argue he could still do a decent job for someone in the top flight. His sidelining by Paul Lambert looked harsh, though as the season wore on it became evident that the manager's preference for Christian Benteke was well founded. The real issues would be firstly whether Jabba would be prepared to sanction a multi-million-pound move for a 29-year-old whose best days are probably behind him, and secondly whether we could accommodate another striker in exactly the same mould as Papiss Cisse (an out-and-out predator rather than someone who can also create).

Meanwhile, the Journal state the obvious by noting that there's set to be a major bunfight for long-term target Douglas, soon to be a free agent, and the Shields Gazette claim QPR are interested in Danny Simpson. While our outgoing right-back is a solid enough defender, I'm not sure he's the sort of player 'Appy 'Arry should be going for if he wants to rid the Hoops dressing room of egotistical playboy types - and a move to London could be potentially fatal to the career of someone increasingly susceptible to off-field distractions...

Knee problem

Sad news from the club last week, who confirmed that Raylor (recently back in training) has had a significant set back and suffered a further cruciate knee ligament injury which is expected to keep him out for most (if not all) of next season.

Hopefully he'll make swift and steady progress next season and we'll see him sooner than currently expected.

With one member of this squad capable of providing full-back cover out for another twelve months it does raise the question of Danny Simpson's future. With Simpson's contract due to expire in the summer and no news of him signing for anyone else, it may yet be that we consider offering him a new contract after all.

Out in the cold, and out cold

Here's a question for you. You've just lost your place in the Newcastle first team to an established French international, your contract's up in the summer, your girlfriend is away on holiday in Marbella - what do you do? If you're Danny Simpson, the decision seems to be easy: follow ASBO's example by getting plastered in a city in the north-west and then kicking off in and around a takeaway in the early hours of the morning.

It seems our man came off worst in the encounter - hauled out of a taxi, punched in the face, lying unconscious on the pavement and bleeding from the mouth, and then whisked off to hospital by ambulance to be checked over. There won't be any charges brought, though.

According to one witness, "he was hammered and was mouthing off. Danny was making sure everyone knew who he was". Wonder which line he went with: "second-choice right-back for Newcastle" or "Tulisa's boyfriend"?

I do like the way the Sun seem to be incapable of referring to a footballer without labelling them a "football ace". Simpson is many things - and at times he's been a half-decent player for us - but certainly not that...

Incidentally, just in case you thought ASBO might have mellowed during his time on the south coast of France, he went and proved otherwise by collecting his first red card (for two bookings) for Marseille. The club's coach Elie Baup seems to have had no doubt it would happen sooner or later: "We waited a long time and wondered when Barton would be sent off for the first time, and that was done tonight."

He then put himself back in the spotlight by labelling Neymar a "showpony" on Twitter, but the Brazilian had a neat retort: "I don't even know who he is. But those who have mouths say what they want."

Testicles, trysts, rookies and recommendations

Given the disspiriting defeat at home to West Ham, perhaps getting bitten or stung into action was just what we needed - so last week's I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here theme day (in honour of Ant and Dec, of course) was arguably well-timed. Sadly it didn't have the desired effect, as we lost at St James' Park again on Saturday with a performance about as pleasurable as chowing down on some kangaroo bollocks...

Meanwhile, in other news, Danny Simpson appears to be in danger of being distracted by off-field personal drama, dating X-Factor judge Tulisa while his girlfriend is pregnant with their second child. Just a thought, Danny, but given your contract situation I'd be very much concentrating on your football...

Away from St James', everyone's favourite trumpet-playing Peruvian love rat Nobby Solano has been working miracles back in his homeland, taking Universitario from relegation to the brink of qualification for the Copa Libertadores. Maybe Hartlepool, where he ended his playing career, might regret not considering his managerial application at greater length.

And finally, Blackburn's former Toon defender Bradley Orr has admitted that his loan move to Ipswich was inspired by Sir Bobby Robson - proof that the great man continues to have an influence from beyond the grave. Not that he got off to the best of starts, not escaping public criticism from manager Mick McCarthy following the Tractor Boys' 6-0 thrashing at Leicester...

Tantrum trouble for HBA

As had been widely expected, HBA is to face disciplinary action for his dressing-room disagreement with now-departed French coach Laurent Blanc in the aftermath of les Bleus' Euro 2012 group-stage defeat to Sweden. It had been our temperamental talent's first start in the tournament, but he was evidently unhappy at being hauled off with half an hour still to play. However, he's not alone in facing the prospect of sanctions, and will be joined in the dock by Man City forward Samir Nasri as well as Jeremy Menez and Arsenal target Yann M'Vila.

Meanwhile, one of HBA's club colleagues has been on the receiving end of abuse. Danny Simpson's not the first Newcastle player to suffer such treatment on Twitter, either. Morons, pure and simple.

Quote of the day

"We don't want it to be a good season, we want it to be an excellent season. We've still got a great chance to kick on and surprise a few people."

With Champions League qualification still possibly within our reach, I take your point, Danny - but I think it's fair to say we've already "surprised a few people" (ourselves included) and the identity of our final three opponents mean we might struggle to banish the demons of the DW.

Simp-ly the best?

This has been a season when even our lesser lights have managed to shine. Hell, even Perchinho has battled hard to become a valued squad player and make that moniker more apt than mocking. But, all the same, surely it's going too far to claim that Danny Simpson - solid and dependable, but not that much more - is the best right back in the Premier League?

We've commented on Ronny Gill hack Lee Ryder's fondness for bigging up our Manc defender before, but, as unlikely as it might seem, he actually has the stats to back up that bold claim.

The headline figure is the seven vital goal-line clearances Simpson's made this campaign - the most recent at home to Liverpool when his upper arm may or may not have been involved (depending on whether you can tune out the bleating of Kenny Dalglish and embittered Scousers adamant there's some kind of nationwide conspiracy against their club). But it's equally noteworthy that at the time of the article, prior to the Swansea match, he'd lost just nine tackles.

In fairness to Simpson, he's proved himself to be a tidy and modestly accomplished defender, though he doesn't carry the same sort of attacking threat as many (most?) Premier League full-backs, an attribute essential in the modern game when it's those areas that teams are most able to exploit. On the other flank Davide Santon, by contrast, isn't quite so good when faced with defensive duties, but offers much more in the opposition half - indeed he's looked our biggest threat at times, when games have been tight and strikers and creative midfielders have been shackled.

Ryder appears to be engaged in a protracted campaign to sway public opinion of a player many feel to be hard-working but ultimately of limited talent, and particularly aggrieved at the abuse Simpson's suffered as a result of his failure to agree a new deal. While Ryder's hard sell is somewhat irritating, he's right to criticise those whose personal comments caused our right-back to shut down his Twitter account last month (something I hadn't realised). Instead, perhaps, we should be celebrating Simpson as symbolic of our season: a player procured on the cheap who is performing to the absolute best of his ability.

Quote of the day

"All about Dembas syrup, I tried it this morning n its well nice! Trying 2 get him 2 share the love n order me some ha."

Danny Simpson, tweeting on Sunday. Judging by your first-half display on Saturday, Danny, you could have done with having some a day earlier. Though the same could also be said of your teammates...

Saint Michael

After the aerial mauling we got at Norwich last weekend, Mike Williamson's return to fitness really couldn't have come at a much more opportune moment. The lanky centre-half, sidelined with injury for the whole campaign thus far, featured in a behind-closed-doors game against Bolton on Tuesday, and so now looks likely to be involved for Saturday's visit of Swansea.

Better still, we may also be able to call upon the calming and assured influence of our skipper Sideshow Bob alongside him. The Swans are as poor on the road as they are effective at home, but the presence of both players in the side to help stop Danny Graham from scoring against his hometown club would be most welcome.

Who will pay the price for the Carrow Road calamities isn't totally certain, but I'd expect the Silver Fox to drop James Perch and Davide Santon and restore Raylor and Danny Simpson to the full-back positions they'd occupied all season up until our injury crisis bit. Santon may have "enjoyed" an inauspicious full Premier League debut but may not have to wait too long for more regular first-team action if, as has been reported, Simpson has rejected a new deal and is inching (or being inched) towards the exit door. (Anyone else get the impression from that Ronnie Gill article that Lee Ryder's trying to plead on Simpson's behalf? Surely he's got an agent for that sort of thing, Lee...)

Up in flames

Wondering what that burning smell is? That'd be Jose Enrique publicly torching his bridges with the club hierarchy. The Spaniard took to Twitter to echo the views of many fans, criticising the policy of letting star players like Rocky and Kevin Nolan leave and then not reinvesting the money in the team. There was also a slight against our clutch of French-born imports, none of whom he apparently deems "quality players".

If this was all a ploy to try to force Jabba's hand, then Enrique's a brave man - our owner has shown he isn't keen on being dictated to. That said, it would seem hard for him to remain at the club now.

Needless to say Enrique's Twitter account has now been deleted, the damage having been done, though at least one of his colleagues used the social networking site to spread a positive message. Congratulations to Danny Simpson, proud father of a newborn baby girl.

Simpson and Smith are wanted men

According to today's People, West Ham and Rangers are set to court two of our players in the summer. In more than three and a half years on Tyneside, Alan Smith has mustered a passable impression of a professional footballer for all of six months, and that at Championship level, so the Scots would be welcome to him and any transfer fee would be a bonus.

The Hammers' alleged pursuit of Danny Simpson is another matter, though. While he's never going to be the Premier League's best right-back, he's usually dependable and solid, with a decent cross. It's hard to see what might tempt him to leave St James' for Upton Park, but, depending on the size of any offer, I suppose there's a chance that Jabba might decide to cash in - particularly if he noted Gateshead manager Ian Bogie's comment that their recent loan signing James Tavernier "can grace the right-back slot for Newcastle United for years to come".

Meanwhile, the Mirror claims we're targeting AZ Alkmaar target man Kolbeinn Sigthorsson. If Brian McNally's to be believed, Graham Carr is intent on going Dutch again following the success of Cheik Tiote's purchase - a wise tactic, I think, when up-and-coming talent and value for money are key.

In other news, former Toon players Scott Parker, James Milner and Craig Bellamy were all involved as England comfortably beat Gary Speed's Wales 2-0 in their European Championships qualifier, though Rocky was declared not fully fit by Fabio Capello and had to be content with being an unused substitute. Matt Jarvis didn't make an appearance either, meaning our pre-match wish went unfulfilled - but there was injury misfortune for our next opponents Wolves elsewhere, Kevin Doyle picking up a potentially season-ending knee injury while on duty for the Republic of Ireland.