Unlucky Jim

Poor Perchinho. He's been doing his very best to ensure a memorable and successful season for Wigan, but without much joy. First he scored the winning goal against Man City that took the Latics to the semi-finals of the FA Cup, where they were beaten by favourites Arsenal. And then last night he broke the deadlock in the second leg of their play-off semi-final against QPR, giving his team a vital away goal, only for two strikes from Charlie Austin to deny them a second bite at Wembley success this season.

QPR's victory means they now face Derby in a head-to-head battle for promotion to the Premier League. It promises to be an entertaining encounter, one which I'm personally hoping the Rams win - QPR have been living way beyond their means for some time now, and we don't really want to have to meet ASBO or 'Appy 'Arry again.

600 up for Shay

Congratulations to Shay Given on making his 600th club appearance at the weekend - just a shame it was for Middlesbrough. Not only did he mark that milestone on his debut, he also kept a clean sheet as the Smogs beat Bolton 1-0, new boss Aitor Karanka's first win. Not that he had an awful lot to do - even when the visitors were awarded a late penalty, Jermaine Beckford sent the spot-kick sailing over the crossbar.

Of those 600 appearances, 462 came in Newcastle colours - and the 17 appearances for the Mackems prior to signing for us make Given only the sixth player ever to play for all three sides. Personally I'm delighted to see a player who hasn't had the best of luck since leaving Tyneside back in action.

Meanwhile, one player who won't be following in Given's footsteps is ASBO, who has taken to Twitter to rubbish suggestions he might leave QPR for the Mackems in January: "Me to 5under1and? Somehow I just don’t think so." "I value the time I spent at NUFC. I value the relationship I have with the toon army to this day. I could never play for the Mackems." "It wouldn’t be right. Not sure were the rumour came from. But as usually its nonsense."

Brum deal done for Shane

Another day, another departure with no sign of any incoming reinforcements. Shane Ferguson has rejoined Birmingham on loan, this time for a full season - a good deal for the player and both clubs.

Elsewhere in the Championship, following the fortunes of QPR this season as a non-fan may just have become even more entertaining. ASBO is still on the club's books, with another loan spell at Marseille yet to be resolved, and so 'Appy 'Arry signing of Karl Henry on a free transfer from Wolves may just spice things up nicely. The pair really aren't very fond of each other at all. Expect reports of a training ground bust-up any day now...

Quote of the day

"For the record, I'm not anti-royal far from it. 'Anti' doesn't quiet [sic] sum up how one feels for those inbred, land grabbing, tyrannous puppets."

ASBO takes an unusual tack in his quest to appear in the Queen's New Years Honours list.

Out in the cold, and out cold

Here's a question for you. You've just lost your place in the Newcastle first team to an established French international, your contract's up in the summer, your girlfriend is away on holiday in Marbella - what do you do? If you're Danny Simpson, the decision seems to be easy: follow ASBO's example by getting plastered in a city in the north-west and then kicking off in and around a takeaway in the early hours of the morning.

It seems our man came off worst in the encounter - hauled out of a taxi, punched in the face, lying unconscious on the pavement and bleeding from the mouth, and then whisked off to hospital by ambulance to be checked over. There won't be any charges brought, though.

According to one witness, "he was hammered and was mouthing off. Danny was making sure everyone knew who he was". Wonder which line he went with: "second-choice right-back for Newcastle" or "Tulisa's boyfriend"?

I do like the way the Sun seem to be incapable of referring to a footballer without labelling them a "football ace". Simpson is many things - and at times he's been a half-decent player for us - but certainly not that...

Incidentally, just in case you thought ASBO might have mellowed during his time on the south coast of France, he went and proved otherwise by collecting his first red card (for two bookings) for Marseille. The club's coach Elie Baup seems to have had no doubt it would happen sooner or later: "We waited a long time and wondered when Barton would be sent off for the first time, and that was done tonight."

He then put himself back in the spotlight by labelling Neymar a "showpony" on Twitter, but the Brazilian had a neat retort: "I don't even know who he is. But those who have mouths say what they want."

Looking for Loic

After the match yesterday, it sounded as though Loic Remy was on his way to Newcastle to have a medical, after we agreed a fee for the player with Marseille.

ASBO, now plying his trade at the Stade Velodrome even took to his favourite metier Twitter to say: "Good luck to Loic in Newcastle. Don't worry I've told him what to expect. Great guy. Perfect club for him #toonarmy".

(ASBO then went on to have a debate with Tim Burgess (from the Charlatans) about the welfare system.)

Anyway, as far as Remy was concerned it was a case of: so far, so good.

However, by this evening ASBO was back on Twitter saying: "Just heard from a magician that Loic Remy has signed for QPR. Not sure what happened at Newcastle probably Llambas (sic) again!"

(ASBO then went on to have an argument with Big-Nosed Judas Bastard Dietmar Hamman. You couldn't make it up.)

With Sky Sports News also claiming Remy is due to have a medical for Droopy's lot tomorrow, it looks as though we're going to be left frustrated in our quest to sign the Frenchman and, with just over two weeks left before the transfer window closes, will need to keep looking for a replacement for Demba Ba.

Men behaving badly

Apologies for the lack of posts here over the last few days. It's been partly because, after the initial flurry of transfer window activity (Ba out, Debuchy in), things have been quiet - rather too quiet, given recent developments - but also because I've spent much of the week putting together a monster piece on football's convicted criminals for The Two Unfortunates. Needless to say, the man we refer to here as ASBO features prominently...

Continental drift

Whatever Schteve McLaren can do, ASBO can do better, it seems. Here's our former midfielder speaking to the French media after his Ligue 1 debut for Marseille. Only a matter of time before the esteemed philosopher breaks into "When ze zeagulls follow ze trawler..."

All Mod cons for Fat Sam?

Nothing much of note happening on the transfer front at St James' Park, but how's about we have a quick look around for moves of interest elsewhere?

Let's begin our round-up with Fat Sam's West Ham, who've shelled out a fee just shy of £5m for the services of Modibo Maiga. Lest you forget, the Mali striker came very close to joining us in August and January, even going on strike to try and force the move through, before failing a medical for a dodgy knee. He stayed at Sochaux, Papiss Cisse was recruited from the Bundesliga instead and the rest, as they're wont to say, is history. At the time, it was intriguing that we weren't prepared to take a risk on Maiga when a previous gamble on Demba Ba was paying off handsomely. Ba, of course, was snatched away from the Hammers when they were relegated - presumably they're hoping their new African striker has much the same impact as his predecessor.

Meanwhile, it looks as though Junior Hoilett will be escaping Blackburn for west London - as long as QPR decide to continue flashing the cash. Rovers are demanding a hefty compensation fee for the young Canadian (though I doubt they'll get anything like the £6m Steve Kean's chuntering on about), while the player himself is reportedly demanding £50,000 a week. That sort of figure would put him among our top earners, so that probably gives some indication as to why we've passed up the opportunity to sign him.

Another former target who has taken up residence elsewhere is Adrian Mariappa, the Watford defender opting to join Danny Guthrie at newly promoted Reading. That leaves our only confirmed central defensive target as FC Twente's Douglas, though Fulham and West Ham are both also keen. Perhaps we could take a look at another Eredivisie defender, Feyenoord's Ron Vlaar, who has expressed his frustration at being "messed about" by Aston Villa, who is clearly open to a move to the Premier League and who seems to be available for a tasty £3.2m.

In the Championship, two old boys have teamed up, with Darren Ambrose becoming Lee Clark's fourth signing for Birmingham. The midfielder, prised away from Crystal Palace for a nominal fee, will be among those charged with supplying ammunition for Peter Lovenkrands to tuck away.

And finally, the summer weather is here at last and one player who may well be enjoying life beside the seaside is ASBO, who is training with Football League newbies Fleetwood Town having been excluded from QPR's pre-season tour of Malaysia. How the mighty have fallen, eh? It wasn't that long ago he was being linked with Arsenal...

Skipper scuppered

So, one-man wrecking ball ASBO has been stripped of the QPR captaincy and fined six weeks' wages for his antics in the final-day defeat at Man City - on top of the 12-game ban already dished out by the FA. He may be contrite, but should count himself very fortunate that the Rs don't look like they're going to boot him out on his ear.

Quote of the day

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

Wise words from the philosopher George Santayana - words which ASBO, if he's regurgitated them on Twitter as part of his bid to convince us he's thoughtful and erudite, hasn't exactly heeded. Arrested following a scrap following a night out in Liverpool? Now, where have we heard that one before?

ASBO by name...

Commiserations to ASBO, whose latest escapades on the pitch at the Etihad have landed him a twelve-match ban. Still, one of his QPR teammates will be delighted: the Little Waster, who now has at least one guaranteed companion on the sidelines for the early part of next season...

Quotes of the day

"Shearers still on my case... I know I f***** up Alan, thanks for stating the obvious"

"Whilst were both stating the obvious about each other, can I just say for the record what a great player u were. Well better me.."

"But I have a better hair (which is not hard), wear well better shirts on TV and have a personality (something u lack)

"P.S. My final point, ur a s*** pundit/manager.."

"I really don't like that p****, in fact I honestly despise him... Goodnight"

Just when you might have thought ASBO would want to keep his head down (after yet another red card in a critical fixture, this time for elbowing Carlos Tevez before kneeing Sergio Aguero and aiming a headbutt at Vincent Kompany), up he pops on Twitter to reignite his feud with Wor Al. What exactly was the latter supposed to say when asked about ASBO's conduct in his capacity as a Match of the Day pundit? "It just shows admirable commitment and fight for the cause"? Anyway, good to see that ASBO isn't bitter and is able to let bygones be bygones...

ASBO also claimed: "My favourite memory of him though is when he dropped his spuds when Keano put it on him". Funny, that - I don't remember it quite in the same way, and neither do the video records...

Tweeting twits

While the two fuckwits who used Twitter to racially abuse Little Big Lad have been given final warnings, a trio of players familiar to Toon supporters have found their use of the social networking site has landed them in varying degrees of hot water.

No surprises for guessing that one of them would be ASBO, who has already effectively ensured his Newcastle exit and precipitated the sacking of QPR manager Colin Wanker by the same means, and who seems to spend most of his time spouting off bitter rants about all and sundry and engaged in petty squabbles. His latest faux pas was to stand up for team-mate Anton Ferdinand and denounce John Terry, a move which, it was speculated, might constitute contempt of court ahead of the case being heard in July. Of course, the alleged incident between Ferdinand and Terry has now had far greater repercussions than ASBO getting reacquainted with the inside of a prison cell, but in any case Attorney General Dominic Grieve has effectively let him off with a slapped wrist. Lucky boy. Still glad to have the mouthy tyke as your captain, Hoops fans?

The second miscreant is Ravel Morrison, who's made an interesting start to his new career at Fat Sam's West Ham. As attempts to put a troubled past behind you go, branding a Twitter detractor a "crack head" and a "little faggot" isn't the best. Oxford City striker Lee Steele was recently sacked for a similarly homophobic tweet - somehow I doubt the Hammers will be showing their new midfielder the door. Someone for Kevin Nolan to adopt for his own unique brand of pastoral care, perhaps?

And finally, it seems the Zog took to Twitter after Sunday's game to express his dissatisfaction: "First time in my life, I’m not happy playing football". Alex McLeish's response was less than sympathetic, essentially amounting to "Shut up and work harder". In fairness to the Scot, though, his patience had probably already worn thin, having had the Zog's fellow ex-Toon team-mate Stephen Ireland telling him to fuck off at half-time...

ASBO: Wanker's poison dwarf

Oh Colin, don't say you weren't warned.

Colin Wanker, recently sacked by QPR, has complained that the club's owners were "slowly poisoned" against him by comments from players on Twitter. And, by implication, one player in particular: ASBO, the man he brought to the club and promptly installed as captain.

ASBO, of course, isn't one to take such comments lying down, and has responded with a volley of verbal jabs on - you guessed it - Twitter. He's bluntly labelled Wanker's attempt to pin the blame on others as "embarrassing".

Forgetting for a moment the fact that seeing the pair publicly at each other's throats is immensely entertaining, it should be pointed out that we were quite clear how disruptive an influence ASBO could be behind the scenes, seemingly incapable of keeping his lip buttoned, instead intent on challenging authority and attempting to carry others with him. In the wake of his departure, The Silver Fox too admitted as much: "In the past they've had a few names who weren't pulling 100 per cent. I look around my dressing room and I don't have anybody like that".

So, while Wanker sits and seethes, and ASBO uses that copy of his former manager's autobiography to wipe his arse, Mark Hughes must be pondering how exactly to deal with the biggest headache he's inherited. And then solve the mystery of the Little Waster's separation anxiety with respect to treatment tables...

ASBO's fictional fracas

Good old ASBO. Not content with having spats with everyone from players, managers and club owners to Piers Morgan and the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, he's now had a falling-out with a computerised version of himself...

Clean sheets, double trouble and rarer-than-hen's-teeth goals

Congratulations to Fraser Forster, who on Monday marked his temporary side Celtic's tenth successive SPL victory with a clean sheet against bottom club Dunfermline. With Forster proving a powerful repellent between the sticks, the Hoops have reeled in rivals Rangers to lead the division by two points. Might we choose to cash in on him this transfer window? I suppose it all depends on whether Steve Harper goes out on loan again, with Hull being mooted as Harps' next seaside destination.

In the news for less savoury reasons are a pair of midfielders who not long ago wore the black and white stripes. First ASBO, who was red-carded for the fifth time in his career against Norwich. The noted philosopher and friend of Jabba and Llambiarse had given QPR the lead in the battle of the two promoted sides, but his dismissal - for allegedly head-butting Bradley Johnson - turned the game in the Canaries' favour and they ran out 2-1 winners. The decision was harsh (something even Wor Al - hardly ASBO's biggest champion - conceded on Match Of The Day), but Colin Wanker has done himself no favours with the FA (or opposition fans) by joining his captain in accusing the Norwich midfielder of "conning" the referee. For his part, Johnson has taken the opportunity to pass public comment on ASBO's oral hygiene.

And then there's Stephen Ireland, admittedly rarely sighted in Toon garb, who allowed girlfriend Jessica Lawlor to tweet a photo of himself supping booze and chuffing on a shisha pipe. Arguably most remarkable, though, were the topless midfielder's silver snakeskin strides. As Newcastle fans will recall, this isn't the first time that Ireland's been caught in compromising circumstances on camera. Needless to say, Alex McLeish was less than impressed, muttering something about him not doing himself justice on the pitch for Villa - words the player seems to have heeded, judging by the goal that helped the Midlanders to a shock 3-1 victory at Stamford Bridge.

Villa were brought crashing back down to earth on Monday by Swansea, thanks in part to Wayne Routledge. Our former winger's goal at Villa Park was - unbelievably - his first ever in the Premier League, at the seventh club and more than 100th time of asking...

Aye Ayatollah

Not content with broadcasting his opinions via Twitter, ASBO has seized the offer of a soap box provided by QPR podcast Open All R's to reignite old feuds: "The manager was different class but I wouldn't want to go back and work for those two cretins. Ashley is the Ayatollah. Nothing happens without his say".

His dislike of Jabba and Lambiarse and subsequent departure wasn't just a personality clash, or the result of his having issues with authority, though - apparently it revolved around a more general dispute over bonuses. Certainly ASBO's talk of insubordination from senior players filtering "back to boardroom level", and of Jabba being determined to wield "power and control", would help to explain the exits of Kevin Nolan and Chris Hughton, as well as the sidelining of Steve Harper and Alan Smith.

Whatever the truth, though, one thing's for sure: if I was a QPR fan, I'd be getting increasingly irritated with how much greater interest ASBO seems to have in his previous club than in his current one...

ASBO opens up

A few points of interest in this interview with ASBO, as he talks about his departure from Tyneside, his relationship with Alan Shearer ("He tries to be cutting-edge"), Twitter and the democratic music policy he helped to instigate in the St James' Park dressing room.

Recent comments from Alan Pardew, meanwhile, hint that ASBO's departure has been for the good of the club: "In the past they've had a few names who weren't pulling 100 per cent. I look around my dressing room and I don't have anybody like that. Everybody is pulling, we're all having a go, and there's no siege mentality - and with some of the media criticism we could have had that - we've just tried to be the best we can be." While you couldn't accuse ASBO of giving less than 100%, at least in his last season and a bit at the club, he was at fault when it came to the direction in which he was pulling...

Quote of the day

"Everything I read from him, I really don't like him. I'm going to go on record saying that. I know from his challenges on me that he doesn't like me - I'm not going to mince my words. He has gone out to make a name for himself in my opinion. He keeps doing these interviews saying he is this throw-back to this old-fashioned footballer. I've made challenges and I embrace the fact that there is a physical element to our game, but I think there is a fine line between being physical and actually going out to hurt people, to make a name for it. No-one knew Kelvin Henry before he started kicking lumps out of me in that game (last season)."

You can accuse ASBO of many things, but not bearing grudges is not one of them. The feud that developed between himself and Wolves midfielder Karl Henry last August really blew up during and since QPR's 3-0 win at Molineux (in which our old boy opened the scoring). So much for Henry's pre-match claims...