In from the cold?

Could Spidermag return to St James' and pull on a black and white shirt again next season? It's possible, I suppose. After all, a fully-fit and on-song Spidermag would undoubtedly be an asset, his appetite for hard graft matched by few in the current squad.

However, such an eventuality is surely unlikely given his lack of form all last season, his injury problems this campaign, the thorny issue of triggering the clauses in his contract and the way he was unceremoniously stripped of his squad number in January. If so, then he may well find himself in limbo - unwanted by his parent club but unwilling to move to his current temporary employers Norwich if they drop out of the Premier League, as many (myself included) expect they will.

Out of control

The club as a whole may have evaded any FA charge following the touchline fracas during the home game against Southampton in December, but no such luck in the wake of the scrap between Loic Remy and Norwich's Bradley Johnson last week. We've been charged with failing to control our players over the incident, which resulted in both Remy and Johnson being sent off - only for the Canaries midfielder's dismissal to be farcically quashed on appeal.

I don't know about failing to control the players, but the Silver Fox should be up on a charge of failing to coach or motivate them, given Saturday's horrorshow...

Sweet FA once again

Well, that was a waste of time: imagining the FA might make a sensible decision for once.

The Silver Fox had ruled out appealing against Loic Remy's dismissal at Carrow Road immediately after the match, but, perhaps aware of our striker shortage in the cold light of day, we performed a U-turn and decided to seek clemency from the authorities. No such luck.

That in itself is arguably unsurprising - Remy did make a forward motion with his head, even if Bradley Johnson made a mountain out of a molehill and even if Swansea's Jonjo Shelvey escaped punishment for a more violent head movement in confrontation with Mathieu Debuchy in December.

What is staggering, though, is that they saw fit to rescind Johnson's red card on appeal. Not only was the Norwich midfielder the initial aggressor in the incident, he was as guilty of raising his hands to an opponent as Remy was.

The upshot of the debacle is that if there do turn out to be any fireworks on the pitch during the derby, Remy won't be involved. Hopefully there shouldn't be any fireworks in the stands either, though Mackem chief executive Margaret Byrne's attempt to get the message across in the programme for last night's match against Stoke was somewhat undermined by an unfortunate typo: "We have also been asked by the FA to remind all supporters about the dangers of flares and polytechnics." Presumably she went on to remind all supporters about the dangers of polyunsaturates, polyester and Polly Toynbee too...

City's sigh of relief as Remy has a night to rue

Norwich City 0 - 0 Newcastle Utd

This was a match that was always likely to be overshadowed by Dreamboat's impending departure to PSG, and so it proved - our inability to score a goal and claim the win we thoroughly deserved only serving to underline his importance to the side. Loic Remy will hog the headlines, though, repeatedly coming closest to breaking the deadlock before picking up a very untimely red card late on.

There were familiar faces in both the Norwich dugout (ex-Toon manager Chris Hughton) and the Norwich side (Sebastian Bassong), though thankfully Spidermag was ineligible to play under the Premier League's rules for loanees. For us, meanwhile, Dreamboat's absence coupled with the injuries to Goofy and Papiss Cisse was guaranteed to open the door to HBA, but the Silver Fox arguably also sprung a surprise in selecting Little Big Lad ahead of his older brother from the start.

Both decisions were vindicated in an extremely one-sided first half, the duo giving us trickery aplenty in wide areas. Likewise, Mathieu Debuchy justified his immediate recall from suspension, showing no signs of pining over the loss of his best mate.

But it was Remy who time and again found himself in the thick of the action. He had already curled narrowly wide of John Ruddy's goal and found the Canaries 'keeper's gloves with a shot when his cross caused chaos in the Norwich area, Ruddy flapping and the ball deflecting off Bradley Johnson and then the post. Remy rattled the upright himself shortly afterwards, and as the half drew to a close Little Big Lad set up HBA only for the Frenchman to blot his copybook and send the ball over Ruddy's bar.

The under-pressure Hughton will have had stern words in the home dressing room at the break, but we maintained our dominance into the second period. HBA was denied what would admittedly have been a soft penalty while Remy hit the woodwork for a third time, on this occasion with a free-kick of which Dreamboat would have been proud.

HBA went off with what we hope was cramp, replaced with Big Lad, as the players started to look somewhat demoralised at being still unable to score - but in fact it could have been worse had Gary Hooper's deflected attempt not hit the bar or Tim Krul not remained sufficiently alert to produce a good save late on to deny Robert Snodgrass.

By that point, both sides had been reduced to ten men, Chris Foy compounding Remy's frustrating evening with a red card for an alleged headbutt and issuing the same punishment for opponent Johnson for his role in the fracas. While Hughton has intimated that Norwich will appeal on behalf of their player, the Silver Fox ruled out us taking a similar course of action for Remy - despite claiming afterwards that Johnson "made such a drama out of it" and "should be ashamed of himself". A bit baffling, really - especially as he's such a crucial player to us at the moment and as, if you recall, Jonjo Shelvey got away with much the same thing on Debuchy when we visited Swansea in December (before inevitably going on to score).

After a typically turbulent few days towards the end of a transfer window, an away draw (our first of the season) and a clean sheet could be viewed as a welcome result, and certainly the performance gave much encouragement. However, the pessimist in me can't help but feel this was definitely a case of two points dropped rather than one gained, given the way we played and laid siege to the Canaries' goal.

Of course, the game will have significant ramifications in weeks to come as it will result in a suspension for Remy, our top scorer. Without him, the departed Dreamboat and the injured duo of Cisse and Goofy, we suddenly look very light in attack. Big Lad aka the Mackem Slayer will find himself at the front of the queue right on cue i.e. Derby Day, but we'll need to hope HBA is fully fit and we manage to get the deal for Luuk de Jong "over the line" in time for a baptism of fire.

A final word for Hughton, who at the end of his post-match press conference apparently had the decency to wish the Geordie reporters well for the derby. Here's hoping he manages to turn Norwich's season around - having been sacked from his job on Tyneside barely a month after guiding us to that splendid 5-1 derby victory, he's already had more rough treatment than he's deserved.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

The Sho goes on

Newcastle Utd 2 - 1 Norwich City

After the tremendous wins over Chelsea and Spurs, Chris Hughton's Norwich were a blatant banana skin, and came to St James' Park on Saturday dressed for the occasion. However, a splendid display from Big Lad (amongst others) was instrumental in ensuring we recorded three successive victories for the first time in more than a year and a half.

We might have feared the international break would have knocked us out of our stride - but as it turned out Big Lad's goal for Nigeria appeared to have reinvigorated him, while our opener was conjured up by two players who had been away on duty with France, as les Bleus squeezed to World Cup qualification ahead of Ukraine.

The only change from the side that frustrated Spurs (or, more precisely, watched Tim Krul frustrate them) was enforced, with Mathieu Debuchy sitting out through suspension. While some of us would have liked to see Vurnon Anita replace him, especially taking into account the opposition and the fact that we were at home, the Silver Fox went for a more defensive option, switching MYM out wide so captain Sideshow Bob, fresh from apparently reiterating his desire to leave the club, could be reinstated in the centre.

Norwich had been left shell-shocked by their last away trip, a 7-0 rout at Man City for which we could have some sympathy, having been on the wrong end of a Etihad Stadium beating ourselves this season. So it was our good fortune that the Canaries started as they left off, having apparently learned nothing from that chastening experience. It's a measure of how lax their defending was that, with less than two minutes on the clock, they gifted us the lead from a corner. Dreamboat's ball, albeit aimed into the danger zone, was nothing particularly special, but it was allowed to bounce inside the six-yard area for the switched-on Loic Remy to dart in front of the switched-off Bradley Johnson at the back post and head into the roof of the net.

That soon established our dominance and control over proceedings, though the visitors, to their credit, did threaten us on occasion, particularly through the lively Nathan Redmond, who should have done better than blaze over when sent free. Anthony Pilkington too caused momentary panic in our defence, a looping header beating Tim Krul but hoofed to safety by Mike Williamson.

There was no doubt over the identity of the star of the first half. Big Lad was proving far too much for the Norwich defence to handle, and he started and very nearly finished the move that led to our second goal. A clever spin away from Johnson gave him the time to play in Remy wide on the right. He laid the ball back to compatriot Moussa Sissoko, whose cross was headed powerfully goalwards by Big Lad and, when John Ruddy could only parry it, Goofy was on hand to feast on the crumbs.

2-0 at the break, then, and our advantage could have been greater had Sissoko not shot wide following another perfectly weighted Big Lad pass or had the latter not seen his 20-yard blockbuster repelled by Ruddy.

Remy and Big Lad tried their luck early in the second period, but it soon became a familiar story as we opted to sit back and soak up what pressure Norwich could muster rather than play to our strengths and continue to regard attack as the best form of defence. Thankfully, Hughton's side - significantly shorn of both Robert Snodgrass and Ricky van Wolfswinkel - troubled us very little until, with ten minutes remaining, one-time Toon target Leroy Fer profited from Sideshow Bob's doziness, heading a Redmond corner in off the post.

That meant an unnecessarily nervy climax to the match - though, in truth, the fault wasn't all with the Silver Fox's tactics or the fatigue he later claimed our players were suffering. TV replays proved that substitute Papiss Cisse was onside when he found the back of Ruddy's net on the break, but Mike Dean's whistle denied us the restoration of the two-goal cushion and Cisse an urgently needed confidence boost.

We held out, though, and while the result was less eyecatching than the preceding victories over the two London sides, it was nevertheless hugely satisfying - after all, it was only two months ago that we contrived to follow up decent back-to-back wins against Fulham and Villa with a bewildering 3-2 home loss to Hull. Next weekend sees the return of another former denizen of the St James' Park dugout, Steve Clarke, and we have every reason to feel confident we can give him and his West Brom side the same treatment as was dished out to Hughton's Norwich.

Other report: BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2013/4: Part 2

And so to the second part of my assessment of our Premier League opponents (first part here), kicking off with the reigning champions...

Man Utd

He's gone - at last. While Taggart will no doubt find a use for his famous watch-tapping gesture when impatiently waiting at bus stops, free pass in hand, his successor has the unenviable task of carrying on where he left off. In some ways David Moyes made for a bold choice - someone unused to wielding a huge budget or, indeed, winning anything - but it was heartening to see an astute, hard-working manager who has paid his dues and whose side has consistently overachieved get the gig ahead of any of the more celebrated continental alternatives. It's not an appointment Chelsea would ever have made, frankly.

As if Moyes' task wasn't hard enough already, two factors have plagued him this summer. Firstly, there are the ongoing reports of Shrek being unsettled - not helped by the pair's falling out while at Everton or the Scot's public pronouncement that Robin van Persie is his automatic first choice. Secondly, there has been no flagship signing that would be a significant show of faith from the board. Moyes has rightly identified central midfield as an area of relative weakness, despite the availability of England regulars Michael Carrick and Tom Cleverley, but his dogged pursuit of first-choice target Cesc Fabregas looks to have been futile. Wilfried Zaha, signed from Crystal Palace in January but only now linking up with his parent club, looks an exciting prospect, but it's debatable whether he's the sort of player needed when Antonio Valencia, Ashley Young, Danny Welbeck and Nani are all still on the books. Third place looks a distinct possibility.

Norwich

Taking into account the stature of Premier League clubs relative to the calibre of players they've recruited, Norwich have arguably had the best summer of any club in the division. In particular, an all-new front line has been procured - skillful Dutchman Ricky van Wolfswinkel and free-scoring Celtic man Gary Hooper, at a combined cost of £13.5m, replacing outgoing Canaries legend Grant Holt, with Chris Martin and Simeon Jackson also departing. The midfield has been bolstered too, with the addition of Leroy Fer, a player nicknamed the Bouncer whom we were sniffing around three years ago.

Anyone fearing that the Canaries had abandoned their policy of cherry-picking the crop of Championship stars needn't have worried, though, with Nathan Redmond and Martin Olsson snapped up from Birmingham and Blackburn respectively. Chris Hughton's job now is to integrate the new players successfully into a team that has survived two seasons in the top flight on account of its hardworking, egalitarian ethic - no easy task. Van Wolfswinkel sounds like a character from a Brothers Grimm fairytale - time will tell if Norwich's season is a fairytale or just plain grim.

Southampton

At the time, the sacking of Nigel Adkins in January seemed to sum up everything that's wrong with the modern game. Here was an honest, decent manager given the boot by a short-sighted, over-ambitious chairman, despite having led the club to two successive promotions. Now, seven months on, you perhaps grudgingly have to admit that Nicola Cortese was right - the Saints looked better under the stewardship of Mauricio Pochettino and survived with relative ease.

Southampton could have a tough second season in store, but the Argentine has struck a couple of eyecatching deals over the summer, bringing in midfield enforcer Victor Wanyama and Croatian defender Dejen Lovren, and already has the likes of Gaston Ramirez and highly-rated youngster Luke Shaw to work with. The Saints can also boast a striker who has just scored a Wembley winner against Scotland with his very first touch in international football - a perfect pick-me-up just as the season is about to get underway.

Spurs

And so to the third major, protracted and thus far uneventful transfer saga of the summer, after Luis Suarez and Shrek. There would have been no prizes for guessing which Spurs player it would involve - scintillating form and spectacular goals (including no fewer than nine winners) meant that Gareth Bale very nearly secured the final Champions League spot for his side single-handedly. If Spurs are able to fend off Real Madrid's advances (and turn a blind eye to the offer of a world-record fee), then fourth is within their grasp courtesy of a trio of excellent acquisitions.

It was baffling that there seemed to be no competition for the signature of Paulinho, a fixture in the Brazilian midfield and substantially cheaper than Man City's Fernandinho, while Spanish striker Roberto Soldado (rumoured to have cost a hefty £26m) and Belgian winger Nacer Chadli also arrived. Clint Dempsey's decision to return to his native USA (and pick up a huge salary) after one solitary season at White Hart Lane surprised few people - likewise Tom Huddlestone's departure for new boys Hull, squeezed out by the likes of Paulinho and Sandro. However, the one major blot on their copybook was the sale of England international central defender Steven Caulker to Cardiff - utterly inexplicable, in light of William Gallas' release. Will it come back to bite them firmly on the derriere, just like the continued failure to identify Benoit Assou-Ekotto as a weak link in need of replacement?

Stoke

Ever since reaching the Premier League in 2008, Stoke have been much maligned (occasionally unfairly) for their style of play - but only last season did it become genuinely prosaic. Mark Hughes is as good a fit as any for Tony Pulis' replacement, but you do wonder whether this might turn out to be a case comparable to that of Alan Curbishley and Charlton in 2006 - the Potters board and fans felt they were stagnating and were happy for the manager to walk away, but it may be that what has seemed like a plateau is in fact a peak and that the only way is downhill.

Hughes has drafted in some intriguing buys, admittedly - Marc Muniesa from Barcelona (clearly in for quite a culture shock), one-time Newcastle target Erik Pieters and raw young American forward Juan Agudelo - but his side will be overly reliant on the ageing strike partnership of Peter Crouch and Jonathan Walters for goals. If they get off to a sticky start, then the three promoted clubs will find themselves with competition for the three relegation positions.

Sunderland

As Newcastle fans, it's tempting to caricature the Mackems' transfer policy as, in essence, throw enough shit at the wall and hope that some of it sticks. However, let's be honest and admit that, in light of our own club's extraordinary inactivity, we're just a teeny bit envious of the Dark Place's crowded arrivals lounge. As with Villa, it appears that a list of targets was compiled from scouting reports and that the board then set about swiftly and determinedly getting their men. Emanuele Giaccherini and Cabral in particular look like very useful additions to the side.

Aside from the numerous purchases, Paulo Di Canio's resolve to stamp his authority on the squad has also been demonstrated by the systematic dismantling of his predecessor's legacy. Martin O'Neill's two January signings, Danny Graham and Alfred N'Diaye, have both been deemed surplus to requirements and shipped out on loan, while James McClean, who initially flourished under the Northern Irishman's guidance, has been flogged off to Wigan. Here's hoping that none of the new signings acclimatise to the rigours of the Premier League, and that Di Canio has a complete meltdown at an inopportune moment - preferably in the aftermath of us exacting sweet revenge for that 3-0 defeat last season...

Swansea

The easiest-on-the-eye side in the top flight, guided to the first major trophy in their 100-year history and a place in Europe by someone who, as a player, won league titles with Ajax, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Juventus and has been named as his country's greatest ever. Yes, Swansea fans could be forgiven for pinching themselves. Not that the Swans' summer got off to a great start, though. Tensions between Michael Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins led to the club severing all ties with the Dane's agent, with the manager implying he might walk out, but somehow it never came to that.

Whether you regard Laudrup's agitating for significant expenditure on new recruits as thoroughly justified in view of his achievements last season and of their forthcoming European campaign (after all, we serve as a useful cautionary tale) or simply as a childish and petulant tantrum, he certainly got his way. A club record £12m was lavished on Mr T's Ivory Coast colleague Wilfried Bony, who will spearhead the attack. This will mean undisputed bargain of the last season Michu will play a little deeper, and while the Spaniard excelled at bursting into the box late to snap up crosses, you do wonder whether Bony's arrival might be to his detriment. Getting Jonathan de Guzman back on loan was a no-brainer, while La Liga was tapped for a further three new additions and no first-teamers have been spirited away. Penny for Scott Sinclair's thoughts...

West Brom

Of all the non-moves this summer, perhaps Peter Odemwingie's has been the most noteworthy. Who knows - he may have been busy frequenting the car parks of rival clubs in the hope of being offered a contract, but at the present moment he remains, most improbably, a West Brom employee. Steve Clarke's biggest headache, though, is how to fill the boots of Romelu Lukaku. The fact that he's signed two strikers - Nicolas Anelka, who has vowed to make the Baggies his sixth and final Premier League club, and Matej Vydra, last season's Championship Player of the Year while on loan at Watford - who are each in a very different mould suggests that he's not even going to try.

Uncompromising veteran centre-back Diego Lugano, Luis Suarez's captain at international level, will shore up a defence in which Jonas Olsson and Gareth McAuley looked increasingly fallible last year - a key reason why, despite Lukaku's heroics up front, West Brom slumped after a very promising start. If the same happens this year, and the Belgian does indeed prove irreplaceable, then at least Anelka, nicknamed the Incredible Sulk, will have Odemwhingy for company.

West Ham

If one thing's clear from West Ham's summer spending, it's that Fat Sam hasn't had some kind of Damascene conversion and embraced tiki-taka. After some suggestion that he'd be amenable to a return to his hometown club, Rocky signed for the Hammers, followed shortly afterwards by Stewart Downing, another player who had been linked with a move to St James' Park and the man to supply the ammunition. There's no doubt who were the prime beneficiaries of Brendan Rodgers' surplus-to-requirements firesale.

Even with Rocky, they look somewhat short up front, one-time Toon target Modibo Maiga having failed to live up to expectations. In midfield, Mohamed Diame can be an all-action powerhouse, but surely our former captain Kevin Nolan's ageing legs will prevent him from being so deadly in the box this time around? Meanwhile, the arrival of Romanian captain Razvan Rat from Shakhtar Donetsk will have the tabloid hacks rubbing their hands with glee - even if the prospect of watching hoofball at a freezing Upton Park in January doesn't.

Best Buddies

While our first team was busy getting cheated out of a point (if not all three) at the DW Stadium, other Toon employees past and present were enjoying an equally eventful Sunday afternoon.

St Mirren's capture of the Scottish League Cup, their first silverware for more than 25 years, at the expense of Hearts owed a great deal to players borrowed from another side in black and white stripes south of the border. Left-back Paul Dummett supplied the assist for the Buddies' second goal, which swung the match in their favour for the first time, before fellow loanee Conor Newton rifled in what turned out to be the winner. A cup triumph in front of more than 44,000 people probably beats turning out for the Reserves each week.

There was less delight for the Silver Fox's predecessor Chris Hughton as his Norwich side travelled to the Dark Place. They were in the lead when goalkeeper Mark Bunn was harshly red-carded for handling outside the area, before old boy Sebastien Bassong was penalised for handling inside, despite Steven Fletcher being offside in the build-up. Craig Gardner scored the resulting penalty but the misfiring Mackems rarely looked likely to get a win and Hughton will be happy enough with a point in the circumstances.

Meanwhile, Saturday saw Jermaine Jenas grab his second goal in successive games on loan at QPR. The first helped defeat the Mackems at Loftus Road last week, and the latest gave 'Appy 'Arry's multi-million-pound mob the lead at Villa Park, but they couldn't hang on and remain deep in trouble.

Unspectacular

Norwich 0 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Saturday saw the long slog to Norwich for what turned out to be one of the most turgid performances delivered in recent memory as we struggled to fashion much in the way of meaningful chances and thankfully came up against a Canaries side in equally uninspiring form.

The outcome, not surprisingly, was a goalless draw which we needn't dwell on for long. Of particular significance, however, was Sideshow Bob, putting his off-field problems behind him to deliver a man-of-the-match performance as our defence largely looked solid and achieved a rarely sighted clean sheet.

Joining Sideshow Bob was debutant Mathieu Debuchy, who looked solid on debut and made a couple of promising runs forward while also managing to pick up a booking for his troubles.

At the other end, too often Papiss Cisse looked isolated and was unable to get into the game. Significantly, though, Spidermag returned to the starting line-up (which might also have made Davide Santon's afternoon a little easier) and in the second half the Silver Fox was able to give Dreamboat a run out.

Frustratingly we failed to test Norwich with our best chances falling to Obertan Kenobi, who saw a shot saved in the first half, and perhaps to Sideshow Bob who hooked a volley over the bar in the second half. At the other end, Perchinho made one timely interception when we looked to be caught on the break having over-committed men forward, but save for a shot hitting the outside of the post and the home side failing to connect with a loose ball at the end, Tim Krul had a fairly quiet afternoon.

The big positives, though, were the return of Dreamboat and a clean sheet.

Other reports: BBC, Observer

No happy return for Chris

Newcastle Utd 1 - 0 Norwich City

Chris Hughton was welcomed back to St James’ Park by fans and players alike on Sunday for his first return visit as an away team manager, but it was thankfully the Silver Fox who was left smiling at the result after a scrappy win against a solid if unspectacular Norwich side.

Following our Thursday night European adventure, the team was again heavily reshuffled, with only the back four remaining in place and Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse restored to the starting line-up. Pleasingly, we were also able to welcome Mr T back on the bench, while interestingly Sylvain Marveaux dropped out of the squad altogether, with Little Big Lad seemingly taking his place on the bench.

In addition to the returning Hughton, one old boy less warmly received was Sebastien Bassong, whose return only lasted eight minutes before he departed nursing a hamstring problem, to be replaced by ex-Mackem Michael Turner.

While Norwich started brightly, it was Newcastle who drew first blood when Steve Harper threw the ball out to HBA and he cut infield, accelerated away from his marker and then threaded a beautiful ball past seven Norwich players and into the path of Ba. Our in-form striker controlled the ball with his first touch and then rolled it under the on-rushing John Ruddy and into the Gallowgate goal to give us the lead.

With both sides struggling for fluency, and Norwich struggling in front of goal this season, chances were relatively limited, although Ba and HBA nearly repeated their first goal trick later in the half, only for ball to just evade our number 19.

Unfortunately, his Senegalese compatriot’s woes in front of goal continue, with one miskick from a fine Davide Santon cross appearing to rebound off his own leg, before Dreamboat blazed over. With half-time almost upon us, Mike Williamson was clumsily fouled in the box by Steve Morison which saw us awarded a penalty. With Ba or HBA the likely takers, it appears captain Spidermag had other ideas and convinced the team that Cisse should take the kick in a bid to get off the mark for the season. Sadly the plan backfired as the penalty went sailing high and wide of the goal.

In the second half, we looked to back off a bit, although chances for Saylor, Obertan Kenobi (on as a substitute for Cisse) and Ba could have made the game safe.  At the other end, Harper produced a fine save, getting off his line quickly to close down Andrew Surman when he managed to get through on goal.

Hearteningly, Mr T was introduced with about 15 minutes to go and immediately demonstrated what we’d missed, both in terms of his competitive ability and also his solid passing and confidence on the ball (even if it didn’t take him too long to pick up our only booking of the match!).

At the end of the day, we’re still lacking fluency but managing to grind out results. If we can carry the run going past Wednesday night’s League Cup jaunt to Old Trafford (a handy five miles from the home of the game’s appointed referee Anthony Taylor) then we’ll be doing well. With Mr T now returning to fitness and Sideshow Bob also expected to return, it could be an interesting blend of youth and experience from both sides which could make for a fairly even contest.

For now, though, it’s a case of saying thank you to Hughton and wishing him well for the rest of the season (apart from our excursion to Carrow Road, obviously) and focusing with the job in hand. Cisse’s goal will come, but at the same time by trying to force it we may just have made the problem worse.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2012/3: Part 1

Yes, it's that time of year again when I foolishly record for posterity my appraisals of our Premier League opponents - you know, writing off sides who end up surviving comfortably and serving up puff pieces for players who spectacularly fail to live up to their billing (Roger Johnson at Wolves being last season's classic example)...

Arsenal

If you ever find yourself round Arsene Wenger's house for tea, it's a pretty safe bet that you won't find meat and potatoes on the menu. No, it'll be tapas - continental, tasty, lots of spice and zest, a bit insubstantial. The Professor has once again spunked his pocket money on European flair and firepower - Spanish winger Santi Cazorla and strikers Lukas Podolski and Olivier Giroud - rather than addressing the long-standing soft-centredness that has meant that Arsenal have been the Vincibles and not won silverware of any description since 2005.

In fairness to Wenger, he's probably hoping that one of Abou Diaby, Alex Song or Emmanuel Frimpong steps up and develops into the Vieira-esque midfield enforcer the Gunners have been so sorely lacking, and the return of Jack Wilshere can't come soon enough. Meanwhile there were signs last season that Laurent Koscielny was starting to come good and that sub-editor's nightmare Wojciech Szczesny has the potential to become the top-quality 'keeper they've been without for so long. Though Wenger may maintain otherwise, Giroud and Podolski were obviously recruited to replace contract rebel Robin van Persie - but, with the Dutchman still at the Emirates for the time being, Arsenal have a formidable array of forwards to choose from. One thing's for certain - whether van Persie stays or goes, the Gunners will need to become much less Robin-reliant.

Aston Villa

I'm not sure Villa fans do joy (or indeed anything other than dour, glum and gallows humour), but even they must be feeling close to cheerily chipper at the summer's events. First of all - and most critically - despised former Bluenose Alex McLeish was given the boot, having seen his mission to relegate both Birmingham clubs in successive seasons foiled at the death. Then came his replacement, Paul Lambert, an upwardly mobile and increasingly well-respected young manager with a hunger for success and a passion for hard work. And then there are the new signings, and in particular an intriguing trio of arrivals from the Eredivisie: Moroccan midfielder Karim El Ahmadi, Australian winger Brett Holman and (after some protracted transfer shenanigans) uncompromising Dutch international defender Ron Vlaar.

Lambert has cleared out some of the old guard, selling Carlos Cuellar and James Collins, perhaps out of recognition that the club is blessed with a promising clutch of youngsters: Marc Albrighton, Barry Bannan, Ciaran Clark, Gary Gardner and potential hotshot Andreas Weimann. Add to that the fact that Darren Bent - one of the league's deadliest finishers - is back to full fitness, Charles N'Somnia must surely improve on his first season in claret and blue, and his ex-Toon colleague Shay Given has retired from international football to concentrate on his day job, and there are plenty of reasons for the perma-grumbling long-suffering Villa faithful to at least try mustering a smile.

Chelsea

Someone at Stamford Bridge seems to have decided that Arsene Wenger's transfer strategy would be worth pursuing for Chelsea too - namely, scouring the globe and hoovering up the best forwards available. The Blues can consider themselves fortunate to have landed arguably the most wanted man in Europe this summer, Belgian flying machine Eden Hazard, and have also shelled out the best part of a further £30m on Marko Marin and Oscar, one of the stars of Brazil's losing Olympic finalists. As statements of intent go, it's quite clear - they're not happy at finishing below us upstarts, and are capable of flexing their financial muscles to chilling effect.

Andre Villas-Boas' undoing was attempting to phase out some of the more senior members of the squad (John Terry and Frank Lampard, basically) too quickly, a challenge which remains for his successor. Roberto di Matteo has the cushion of a heroic salvage operation behind him (the Champions League and FA Cup - not a bad double to win), but Roman Abramovich has shown on several occasions that he's not swayed by sentiment, unprepared to allow managers to trade on former glories and ruthless at the slightest hint of trouble. Responsibility for the Italian's longevity rests at least in part with Fernando Torres, very much the main man he wanted to be now that Didier Drogba has trotted off to stud in China.

Everton

Forever the bridesmaids, Everton missed out on European football by a whisker last season, the delight at finishing above Liverpool in seventh tempered by their Merseyside rivals' qualification for the Europa League by virtue of winning the League Cup. Had they not suffered a sluggish start to the campaign and been able to get Nikica Jelavic and Steven Pienaar on board sooner, they may well have placed higher. In the Croatian, David Moyes seems to have found a figurehead for their attack, while the permanent return of prodigal son Pienaar to Goodison Park from the wilderness at Spurs has now been sealed.

The Toffees will need the South African's guile and energy, now that mercurial loanee Royston Drenthe has left, though Leon Osman has quietly established himself as one of the league's most underrated performers. Defensively Moyes' men are sound, Phil Jagielka and Johnny Heitinga providing a solid platform and Leighton Baines- still at the club despite persistent rumours of interest from Man Utd - an additional attacking threat down the left. However, the moneymen's millions have spirited away Jack Rodwell and, while Goodison Park's corner flags may be breathing a sigh of relief at no longer being used as punchbags, Evertonians will also be mourning the departure of long-term servant of the club Tim Cahill.

Fulham

Poor Fulham. Not only have they suffered the indignity of having two key members of their strikeforce, Bobby Zamora and now Andrew Johnson, poached by their former manager Mark Hughes, now in charge of their nouveau riche west London neighbours QPR; they also looked on in dismay as Pavel Pogrebnyak, an undisputed hit on loan at Craven Cottage last campaign, spurned their advances in favour of cosying up with Premier League new boys Reading. And it could get worse, with Fantasy Football fans' favourite Clint Dempsey (listed as a midfielder, plays up front) allegedly coveted by a host of clubs including Liverpool. That would have left just long-haired layabout Bryan Ruiz, if it wasn't for the fact that Martin Jol managed to pick up Mladen Petric following his release by Hamburg.

In midfield, Danny Murphy has departed, bizarrely choosing to join the circus at Blackburn rather than bow out gracefully, but the Cottagers still boast the muscle of Mahamadou Diarra, once upon a time a 26m euro signing for Real Madrid, and craft in wide areas from Moussa Dembele and Damien Duff. Much depends on the fitness of defensive lynchpin Brede Hangeland, though a breakthrough season for exciting youngster Kerim Frei would also help.

Liverpool

As was widely anticipated, lifting the League Cup wasn't enough to save King Kenny from being deposed following a miserable Premier League campaign which saw the Reds lose as many games as they won and finish a full 13 points below us in eighth. Few beyond Merseyside felt any sympathy for Dalglish or the club, though, their campaign having been blighted by the shameful Luis Suarez v Patrice Evra affair, which was as ugly as the now-departed Dirk Kuyt. Forward-thinking football philosopher Brendan Rodgers is the new man at the helm (a sharp contrast to his surly, old-school predecessor), but the clear lesson of the recent past - namely, avoid splurging obscene amounts in the domestic transfer market - doesn't seem to have been heeded. Rocky and Jordan Henderson should stand as cautionary examples, and yet £15m has still been lavished on Joe Allen, a promising enough talent but surely overpriced given that we picked up Mr T and Dreamboat for a combined total of around £8m.

The price tag that Rocky was burdened with wasn't his fault, though, and while his partnership with Suarez hasn't worked out thus far, there were signs towards the end of last season, and particularly in the FA Cup Final, that he may yet have a future at Anfield - if he can fend off the challenge of new signing Fabio Borini, that is. Also unsettled is Daniel Agger, the subject of interest from Man City - though personally I rate his central defensive partner Martin Skrtel more highly. Should the Dane leave, Rodgers is reported to be eyeing up Ashley Williams as a replacement, which would mean breaching his gentleman's agreement with former employers Swansea for a second time. Crucial to the Scousers' chances of improvement is both Steven Gerrard and Lucas Leiva staying fit.

Man City

What do you get for the man who has everything? Well, until recently - and much to the frustration of that man, Roberto Mancini - it seemed as though the answer was nothing. The Italian had refused to allow himself to get caught up in the euphoria of City's first top-tier title win since 1968, instead looking to strengthen the squad. And what a squad it already is: a superb goalkeeper (Joe Hart), the division's best defender (skipper Vincent Kompany), midfield power and finesse (Yaya Toure) and electrifying skill (David Silva, Samir Nasri, Adam Johnson) and awesome firepower (Sergio Aguero, Edin Dzeko, back-in-the-fold Carlos Tevez, lunatic genius Mario Balotelli). It's telling that fat-salaried strikers Emmanuel Adebayor and Roque Santa Cruz, plus John Guidetti, the Swedish forward who racked up 20 goals in 23 appearances on loan at Feyenoord last season, are nowhere near the first XI.

In the wake of Mancini's public plea for expenditure, owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed al-Nahyan finally reached down the back of the sofa and found £12m in loose change to secure the benchwarming services of Everton's Jack Rodwell. It's hard to see where else reinforcements are required - central defence appears to have been identified as one area of concern, in light of the approach for Liverpool's Agger - but Mancini will be conscious of the fact that last season's title race was far more closely contested than it should have been.

Man Utd

Quite how Man Utd were within seconds of lifting the trophy remains a mystery. Multi-million-pound signing David De Gea's Old Trafford career got off to a decidedly shaky start, though he did grow in confidence once restored to the team following Anders Lindegaard's absence through injury; with Nemanja Vidic laid up long-term, Jonny Evans, Chris Smalling, Phil Jones and the previously imperious Rio Ferdinand all looked fallible; and they were so bereft of central midfield options in January that Taggart had to coax 37-year-old Paul Scholes away from a life of tea, biscuits and Bargain Hunt in front of the fire. Though that move smacked of desperation (and certainly spoke volumes for the quality of the squad), it was completely vindicated as the midfield maestro came close to inspiring the Red Devils to glory once again.

That Man Utd squandered a nine-point lead at the top would have left them smarting enough; that it was their "noisy neighbours" who pipped them to the prize, and in such excruciating circumstances, having already humiliated them 6-1 on their own turf, will be all the inspiration they need to gain revenge in the forthcoming campaign. Taggart's response has been to sign goalscoring midfielders Shinji Kagawa from Borussia Dortmund and young prospect Nick Powell from Crewe, and to make aggressive moves for Robin van Persie. If he's able to pair the Dutchman with Wayne Rooney, then Roberto Mancini - and the rest of us - will be justifiably worried.

Norwich

There might be someone new in the Canaries' manager's office, but the club's transfer policy apparently remains the same: gradually and stealthily sign up the entire Leeds midfield. Skillful playmaker Robert Snodgrass finds himself reunited with Jonny Howson and Bradley Johnson at Carrow Road, while one-time £9m defender Michael Turner has arrived from Sunderland and midfielder Jacob Butterfield from Barnsley. Their new gaffer is Chris Hughton, who we're delighted to see getting another opportunity to manage in the top flight following his decidedly unfortunate experience on Tyneside.

This time last summer many - myself included - were speculating whether two successive promotions would mean that the Premier League was too much too soon for Norwich, but their overwhelmingly British squad exhibited stereotypically British qualities - fight, grit, determination - and no little ability to prove the sceptics wrong. No one epitomised the "Let's be 'avin' you!" spirit more than Grant Holt, the journeyman striker hitting 17 goals and claiming the club's Player of the Year award for the third consecutive season. Contractual wrangles have been ironed out, confirming that his future lies at Carrow Road, and the Canaries' fate once again rests firmly on his broad shoulders.

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Part 2 will follow tomorrow.

Hairy Bikers 1 - 0 Delia Smith

Newcastle Utd 1 - 0 Norwich City

A far-from-assured 1-0 home win over newly promoted opposition? We've been here before, when QPR visited back in mid-January, and now - as then - the three points are very welcome even if the performance is deserving of a critical post-mortem. For, while we created the best chances, we also ceded possession too cheaply to a confident, fluent side who generally looked more composed and purposeful on the ball and who gradually grew (or, more accurately, were allowed to grow) into the game.

Injury robbed the Silver Fox of the services of both Mr T and Obertan Kenobi, heralding a major reshuffle of the side that lost agonisingly late against Arsenal. Perchinho and Danny Guthrie came into midfield, Spidermag was surprisingly asked to drop into defence with Davide Santon consigned to the bench, and Papiss Cisse was restored to the starting XI as we reverted to a more attack-minded 4-4-2 formation.

It was the inclusion of Cisse that was to prove the most significant. He'd already sprung the offside trap once, wasting the opportunity by lobbing tamely at a comfortable height for Norwich 'keeper John Ruddy, when he handed us an 11th-minute advantage. Spidermag, pushed up into more familiar territory on the left wing, delivered a bouncing cross which the Senegalese striker, darting in front of his marker, steered sublimely into the top corner with the outside of his foot. We wanted a finisher and, on that evidence, it certainly looks as though we've got one. As Norwich's most famous son Alan Partridge might have exclaimed, "Shit! He's got a foot like a traction engine!"

The Canaries could have hit back immediately, Jonny Howson firing a screamer over Tim Krul's crossbar after HBA and Mike Williamson had once again been guilty of overplaying in dangerous areas, but it was Ruddy who remained the busier of the two 'keepers. First, when Demba Ba got a toe to Dreamboat's whipped cross, he fingertipped the ball agonisingly wide, and then, when Cisse was released by an exquisite through-ball from Spidermag, he advanced quickly and far enough to block away the shot.

Guthrie was left appealing for a penalty when the ball struck an arm (I've seen them given etc etc), and we were also cursing the officials' inaction for allowing the visitors their best chance of the half. Spidermag might have gone to ground too easily under pressure from Elliott Bennett, but Danny Simpson was incontrovertibly clobbered by his marker when the cross came in. Incredibly no offence was deemed to have taken place, and Andrew Surman was given license to shoot weakly across the face of goal and behind.

Our efforts on the Norwich goal were fewer and of lower quality in the second period, HBA firing high and wide with his swinger early on, and both Cisse and Ba failing to register with shots from distance. Arguably our best opportunity came when Dreamboat's shot was hastily beaten down by Ruddy, only for Ba to fluff his attempt to snap up the rebound. Two further penalty shouts also fell on deaf ears - one another handball appeal, the other relating to Zak Whitbread's attempts to rip the shirt from Ba's back at a corner.

But the Canaries, perhaps mindful of the way Wolves hauled themselves back from a deficit a few weeks ago, sensed vulnerability and brittle confidence and fashioned two clear-cut chances of their own. Anthony Pilkington, cleverly played in inside Simpson by David Fox, was denied by Krul's shin while the Dutchman had to be at his acrobatic best to tip over Whitbread's header, the central defender mystifyingly afforded the freedom of our six-yard area.

When Santon was brought on for HBA and Cisse's replacement Big Lad went to the right-hand side of midfield rather than up front, the emphasis became more defensive, with increasing onus on Perchinho in Mr T's central midfield destroyer role - a job he performed with aplomb. Norwich may have been neater and tidier than us on the ball, but were largely kept at arm's length as a result of the endeavours of Perchinho and company.

Paul Lambert's curious decision to summon Grant Holt from the bench with less than a quarter of an hour to play worked in our favour, the lardy bruiser not given enough time to inflict the sort of damage he did at Carrow Road in December. However, fellow striker Steve Morison could have grabbed a last-minute equaliser when (somewhat alarmingly) played in by Whitbread's defensive header, had he not got tangled up under duress from Sideshow Bob.

With both Chelsea and Liverpool in FA Cup action (and both now potentially distracted by semi-finals), it was gratifying that we took the opportunity to close the gap on the Blues while restoring the five-point cushion over the Scousers that had been eroded by their midweek victory in the Merseyside derby. The clean sheet - our first since winning at Ewood Park - was equally pleasing. But, as the Silver Fox was moved to comment afterwards, "we weren't firing on all cylinders" and shouldn't allow the result to detract from deficiencies that a more ruthless side would have exploited.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Gosling's early bath helps Canaries triumph

Norwich City 4 - 2 Newcastle Utd

A Newcastle side shorn of centre-halves was made to suffer as Delia's Canaries ruled the sky on Saturday. Goals from Grant Holt (x2), Wes Hoolahan and Steve Morison left us with too great an obstacle to overcome, despite Demba Ba's best efforts. That Dan Gosling endured something of a horror show in midfield, culminating in his sending off, only compounded our woes.

With Sideshow Bob, Saylor and Mike Williamson all unavailable, the Silver Fox was left with no choice but to reshuffle our back line, opting to partner James Perch with Danny Simpson in the centre, bringing Davide Santon in at left-back and switching Raylor to the right. Unfortunately, our back line of full-backs always looked a little on the short side, and shorn of the physicality of both Sideshow Bob and Saylor the chances of us keeping a clean sheet looked slim.

Further forward we welcomed back Spidermag from his one-game ban, the Argentine taking the captain's armband in his countryman's absence, and with Danny Guthrie now sidelined for six weeks, Gosling was handed a rare start in the centre. Up front, HBA's poor show last week saw him kept on the bench with Big Lad preferred to Leon O'Best to partner Ba.

It was the home side who broke the deadlock first, with Tim Krul catching a ball and the linesman bizarrely ruling that he'd carried it out for a corner. That the Dutchman's feet and hands didn't move backwards meant that either it should have been a goal kick or else play should have carried on. However, the official saw it differently, and we failed to deal with the resulting corner, allowing Hoolahan to force the ball home as it pinged around our box.

Thankfully, we managed to claw back the deficit before half-time with Dreamboat chipping the ball beautifully over the Norwich backline and picking out the onrushing Ba, who controlled the ball brilliantly with his first touch before slotting home with his second.

The second half, however, saw Norwich continue to capitalise on our aerial weakness with both Holt and Morison scoring headers - the latter after Gosling had contrived to lay the ball beautifully out to the winger on the Norwich right for him to float a cross on the head of the man Gosling should, I think, have been marking.

Gosling, already booked, then managed to pick up a straight red card after he left his foot in a tackle with Russell Martin. While hardly the worst foul you'll see all year, given that he was already on a booking, the chances of him getting away with it looked remote and he duly received his marching orders.

That we got back into the game at all from there was testament to Ba, who latched on to Big Lad's fine pass after he'd done well to win the ball near the half-way line. His ball fed Ba who slotted the ball home to give us a fighting chance.

Unfortunately, the fight was then knocked out of us by Holt, who rose highest to power another header home and secure another home win for the Canaries.

Hopefully, at least one, if not both, of Williamson and Sideshow Bob might be available for Swansea's visit to St James' Park on Saturday. If not, we could be in for another torrid afternoon.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian