Upton lark

West Ham 1 - 3 Newcastle Utd

Another win on the road, another stellar performance from Dreamboat and another nail in Fat Sam's West Ham coffin. Frankly, Saturday couldn't have gone much better.

Sticking with the same team who had been robbed against Man City, the Silver Fox sent out a side with clear instructions to put right the perceived injustice of the previous weekend. Something which they set about with aplomb.

Once Goofy robbed Matt Taylor on halfway after only a quarter of an hour, he was charging forward on the attack. His square ball to Dreamboat saw the Frenchman take a couple of touches before calmly slotting the ball past Adrian in the Hammers' goal, to give us the lead.

The lead should have been doubled when Dreamboat threaded the ball through the middle of the West Ham team for Moussa Sissoko to run onto. His shot squirmed underneath the keeper, but he was able to recover and grab the ball before it crossed the line.

Better was to come, though, as Mr T found Mini V, whose first-time pass found Sissoko marauding down the right. His well-struck cross evaded the West Ham defence and fell to Loic Remy, who took the ball down on his chest before toe-poking it home for our second and leaving Fat Sam looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Dreamboat forced a good save from Adrian, before the Hammers were gifted a lifeline when carthorse Carlton Cole's shot was blocked by Tim Krul, only for the rebound to hit Iron Mike and run into the net on the stroke of half-time.

Thankfully, though, we came straight back out in the second half and looked to restore our two-goal advantage, Dreamboat again pulling the strings as he found Remy with another precise through-ball, only for his shot to be well saved.

Carlton Cole reverted to type, side-footing wide when well placed before Fat Sam threw on a bearded Rocky (who now bears such a staggering likeness to Mr Twit that you half expect to hear he's got a caged family of monkeys stood on their heads in the changing room). Rocky it was who then wasted his side's best chance, smashing a shot high over the bar.

The Silver Fox also made a change, replacing Remy with HBA. With the clock running down, Rocky fouled HBA on the edge of the Hammers' box and Dreamboat stepped up and capped a fine individual performance by lifting his kick over the wall and through the tightest of gaps between the keeper's fingertips and the post.

The result ended a four-game losing sequence that followed the 5-1 thumping of Stoke, and meant we've now won all of our London fixtures this season - no mean feat for a club who have customarily struggled in the capital (though admittedly trips to Chelsea and Arsenal are yet to come). Cardiff's St James' Park smash and grab raid has left us without a game this weekend, so next up are Norwich on Tuesday, and another reunion with a former Toon manager now in charge of a relegation-threatened side. Here's hoping for the same outcome.

West Ham fans' perspectives: The Game's Gone Crazy, West Ham Till I Die (more a general appreciation of Newcastle than a match report)

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Two zeroes, no heroes

Newcastle Utd 0 - 0 West Ham

Our first home game of the season turned out to be a complete snoozefest well deserving of bottom billing on Match Of The Day, hardly boding well for the months to come. Not that the new campaign has exactly been eagerly anticipated, but this performance was enough to crush any eve-of-the-season optimism out of even the most glass-half-full of supporters.

Credit to the Silver Fox for sending out an attacking line-up, nominally at least. Two changes from Monday's side were enforced due to injuries to Mr T and Spidermag, their replacements Vurnon Anita and Sylvain Marveaux promising to offer more going forwards, while Big Lad was drafted in in place of Goofy to provide Papiss Cisse with a bona fide partner. Meanwhile, Davide Santon's return to fitness was perfectly timed to coincide with the start of Saylor's suspension, MYM moving infield to a more familiar role in the centre of defence.

It was a centre back in the opposing ranks, Winston Reid, who was at the heart of the first-half action, though. When Moussa Sissoko nipped in to nab the ball and attempted to thread it through for Cisse, the New Zealand international intervened but was somewhat fortunate to see his backpass drift inches wide of the far post as Jussi Jaaskelainen scrabbled in vain to cover.

At the other end, Reid then blasted over from close range before being left unchallenged again and just failing to make contact with a long free kick punted dead straight down the length of the pitch. When the Silver Fox applauded a much improved defensive display in his post-match interview, he seemed to have forgotten that particular incident.

The Hammers only really created one other chance before the break, when new signing Stewart Downing headed the ball back across goal from a left-wing cross and MYM did just enough to prevent Modibo Maiga from flicking past Tim Krul. The alarming ease with which Matt Jarvis skinned Mathieu Debuchy in the build-up was testament to the fact that Dreamboat's chum was once again far from showing us the form that's won him French caps. As for ourselves, we had nothing to show for our own paltry efforts on goal, Sissoko and HBA all lashing efforts off target.

While our performance stepped up a gear in the second half, there was no flood of chances to match the downpour. Indeed, it was the visitors who continued to carve out the better opportunities. Unlike last season, our former skipper Kevin Nolan decided to be merciful, sending a header over the bar when unmarked from Downing's whipped cross, and the winger's replacement Joe Cole fired a shot over the angle with Krul beaten. Cole's fellow substitute Ravel Morrison, meanwhile, made his entrance wearing gloves...

But even that wasn't quite as staggering as our own substitute Goofy's miss in stoppage time. When Little Big Lad's lofted cross/shot bounced off the far post with Jaaskelainen totally bamboozled, Goofy reacted instinctively but ballooned his shot high into the stand. In truth, it would have been a thoroughly undeserved winner, and West Ham had themselves come very close to stealing victory at the death, Maiga knocking home in the 89th minute from a deflected shot but rightly ruled offside.

There were some positives, to be sure: a point on the board (and one we didn't get last season) and a clean sheet following the calamitous defending at the Etihad. But the negatives were plain to see: a fourth successive home game without a goal and an almost complete lack of attacking threat. If Dreamboat does leave before the transfer window closes, as expected, then we'll be deprived of one of the very few players in the squad who can pick a critical pass - without him we were hoping HBA and Marveaux would deliver, but they couldn't. In that respect, another positive of sorts is that there's no papering over the cracks. The fans' chants demanding new signings were largely redundant - the match itself was a sufficiently stark reminder to Jabba and JFK that reinforcements are urgently needed.

Other reports: BBC, Observer

Know Your Enemies 2013/4: Part 2

And so to the second part of my assessment of our Premier League opponents (first part here), kicking off with the reigning champions...

Man Utd

He's gone - at last. While Taggart will no doubt find a use for his famous watch-tapping gesture when impatiently waiting at bus stops, free pass in hand, his successor has the unenviable task of carrying on where he left off. In some ways David Moyes made for a bold choice - someone unused to wielding a huge budget or, indeed, winning anything - but it was heartening to see an astute, hard-working manager who has paid his dues and whose side has consistently overachieved get the gig ahead of any of the more celebrated continental alternatives. It's not an appointment Chelsea would ever have made, frankly.

As if Moyes' task wasn't hard enough already, two factors have plagued him this summer. Firstly, there are the ongoing reports of Shrek being unsettled - not helped by the pair's falling out while at Everton or the Scot's public pronouncement that Robin van Persie is his automatic first choice. Secondly, there has been no flagship signing that would be a significant show of faith from the board. Moyes has rightly identified central midfield as an area of relative weakness, despite the availability of England regulars Michael Carrick and Tom Cleverley, but his dogged pursuit of first-choice target Cesc Fabregas looks to have been futile. Wilfried Zaha, signed from Crystal Palace in January but only now linking up with his parent club, looks an exciting prospect, but it's debatable whether he's the sort of player needed when Antonio Valencia, Ashley Young, Danny Welbeck and Nani are all still on the books. Third place looks a distinct possibility.

Norwich

Taking into account the stature of Premier League clubs relative to the calibre of players they've recruited, Norwich have arguably had the best summer of any club in the division. In particular, an all-new front line has been procured - skillful Dutchman Ricky van Wolfswinkel and free-scoring Celtic man Gary Hooper, at a combined cost of £13.5m, replacing outgoing Canaries legend Grant Holt, with Chris Martin and Simeon Jackson also departing. The midfield has been bolstered too, with the addition of Leroy Fer, a player nicknamed the Bouncer whom we were sniffing around three years ago.

Anyone fearing that the Canaries had abandoned their policy of cherry-picking the crop of Championship stars needn't have worried, though, with Nathan Redmond and Martin Olsson snapped up from Birmingham and Blackburn respectively. Chris Hughton's job now is to integrate the new players successfully into a team that has survived two seasons in the top flight on account of its hardworking, egalitarian ethic - no easy task. Van Wolfswinkel sounds like a character from a Brothers Grimm fairytale - time will tell if Norwich's season is a fairytale or just plain grim.

Southampton

At the time, the sacking of Nigel Adkins in January seemed to sum up everything that's wrong with the modern game. Here was an honest, decent manager given the boot by a short-sighted, over-ambitious chairman, despite having led the club to two successive promotions. Now, seven months on, you perhaps grudgingly have to admit that Nicola Cortese was right - the Saints looked better under the stewardship of Mauricio Pochettino and survived with relative ease.

Southampton could have a tough second season in store, but the Argentine has struck a couple of eyecatching deals over the summer, bringing in midfield enforcer Victor Wanyama and Croatian defender Dejen Lovren, and already has the likes of Gaston Ramirez and highly-rated youngster Luke Shaw to work with. The Saints can also boast a striker who has just scored a Wembley winner against Scotland with his very first touch in international football - a perfect pick-me-up just as the season is about to get underway.

Spurs

And so to the third major, protracted and thus far uneventful transfer saga of the summer, after Luis Suarez and Shrek. There would have been no prizes for guessing which Spurs player it would involve - scintillating form and spectacular goals (including no fewer than nine winners) meant that Gareth Bale very nearly secured the final Champions League spot for his side single-handedly. If Spurs are able to fend off Real Madrid's advances (and turn a blind eye to the offer of a world-record fee), then fourth is within their grasp courtesy of a trio of excellent acquisitions.

It was baffling that there seemed to be no competition for the signature of Paulinho, a fixture in the Brazilian midfield and substantially cheaper than Man City's Fernandinho, while Spanish striker Roberto Soldado (rumoured to have cost a hefty £26m) and Belgian winger Nacer Chadli also arrived. Clint Dempsey's decision to return to his native USA (and pick up a huge salary) after one solitary season at White Hart Lane surprised few people - likewise Tom Huddlestone's departure for new boys Hull, squeezed out by the likes of Paulinho and Sandro. However, the one major blot on their copybook was the sale of England international central defender Steven Caulker to Cardiff - utterly inexplicable, in light of William Gallas' release. Will it come back to bite them firmly on the derriere, just like the continued failure to identify Benoit Assou-Ekotto as a weak link in need of replacement?

Stoke

Ever since reaching the Premier League in 2008, Stoke have been much maligned (occasionally unfairly) for their style of play - but only last season did it become genuinely prosaic. Mark Hughes is as good a fit as any for Tony Pulis' replacement, but you do wonder whether this might turn out to be a case comparable to that of Alan Curbishley and Charlton in 2006 - the Potters board and fans felt they were stagnating and were happy for the manager to walk away, but it may be that what has seemed like a plateau is in fact a peak and that the only way is downhill.

Hughes has drafted in some intriguing buys, admittedly - Marc Muniesa from Barcelona (clearly in for quite a culture shock), one-time Newcastle target Erik Pieters and raw young American forward Juan Agudelo - but his side will be overly reliant on the ageing strike partnership of Peter Crouch and Jonathan Walters for goals. If they get off to a sticky start, then the three promoted clubs will find themselves with competition for the three relegation positions.

Sunderland

As Newcastle fans, it's tempting to caricature the Mackems' transfer policy as, in essence, throw enough shit at the wall and hope that some of it sticks. However, let's be honest and admit that, in light of our own club's extraordinary inactivity, we're just a teeny bit envious of the Dark Place's crowded arrivals lounge. As with Villa, it appears that a list of targets was compiled from scouting reports and that the board then set about swiftly and determinedly getting their men. Emanuele Giaccherini and Cabral in particular look like very useful additions to the side.

Aside from the numerous purchases, Paulo Di Canio's resolve to stamp his authority on the squad has also been demonstrated by the systematic dismantling of his predecessor's legacy. Martin O'Neill's two January signings, Danny Graham and Alfred N'Diaye, have both been deemed surplus to requirements and shipped out on loan, while James McClean, who initially flourished under the Northern Irishman's guidance, has been flogged off to Wigan. Here's hoping that none of the new signings acclimatise to the rigours of the Premier League, and that Di Canio has a complete meltdown at an inopportune moment - preferably in the aftermath of us exacting sweet revenge for that 3-0 defeat last season...

Swansea

The easiest-on-the-eye side in the top flight, guided to the first major trophy in their 100-year history and a place in Europe by someone who, as a player, won league titles with Ajax, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Juventus and has been named as his country's greatest ever. Yes, Swansea fans could be forgiven for pinching themselves. Not that the Swans' summer got off to a great start, though. Tensions between Michael Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins led to the club severing all ties with the Dane's agent, with the manager implying he might walk out, but somehow it never came to that.

Whether you regard Laudrup's agitating for significant expenditure on new recruits as thoroughly justified in view of his achievements last season and of their forthcoming European campaign (after all, we serve as a useful cautionary tale) or simply as a childish and petulant tantrum, he certainly got his way. A club record £12m was lavished on Mr T's Ivory Coast colleague Wilfried Bony, who will spearhead the attack. This will mean undisputed bargain of the last season Michu will play a little deeper, and while the Spaniard excelled at bursting into the box late to snap up crosses, you do wonder whether Bony's arrival might be to his detriment. Getting Jonathan de Guzman back on loan was a no-brainer, while La Liga was tapped for a further three new additions and no first-teamers have been spirited away. Penny for Scott Sinclair's thoughts...

West Brom

Of all the non-moves this summer, perhaps Peter Odemwingie's has been the most noteworthy. Who knows - he may have been busy frequenting the car parks of rival clubs in the hope of being offered a contract, but at the present moment he remains, most improbably, a West Brom employee. Steve Clarke's biggest headache, though, is how to fill the boots of Romelu Lukaku. The fact that he's signed two strikers - Nicolas Anelka, who has vowed to make the Baggies his sixth and final Premier League club, and Matej Vydra, last season's Championship Player of the Year while on loan at Watford - who are each in a very different mould suggests that he's not even going to try.

Uncompromising veteran centre-back Diego Lugano, Luis Suarez's captain at international level, will shore up a defence in which Jonas Olsson and Gareth McAuley looked increasingly fallible last year - a key reason why, despite Lukaku's heroics up front, West Brom slumped after a very promising start. If the same happens this year, and the Belgian does indeed prove irreplaceable, then at least Anelka, nicknamed the Incredible Sulk, will have Odemwhingy for company.

West Ham

If one thing's clear from West Ham's summer spending, it's that Fat Sam hasn't had some kind of Damascene conversion and embraced tiki-taka. After some suggestion that he'd be amenable to a return to his hometown club, Rocky signed for the Hammers, followed shortly afterwards by Stewart Downing, another player who had been linked with a move to St James' Park and the man to supply the ammunition. There's no doubt who were the prime beneficiaries of Brendan Rodgers' surplus-to-requirements firesale.

Even with Rocky, they look somewhat short up front, one-time Toon target Modibo Maiga having failed to live up to expectations. In midfield, Mohamed Diame can be an all-action powerhouse, but surely our former captain Kevin Nolan's ageing legs will prevent him from being so deadly in the box this time around? Meanwhile, the arrival of Romanian captain Razvan Rat from Shakhtar Donetsk will have the tabloid hacks rubbing their hands with glee - even if the prospect of watching hoofball at a freezing Upton Park in January doesn't.

Little by little

West Ham Utd 0 - 0 Newcastle Utd

It's funny. At lunchtime on Saturday, if you'd offered me this result, I'd probably have taken it. A point away from home against a team who have only lost once on their own turf all season would, in the scheme of our relegation struggles, appear a point gained.

At five o'clock, results elsewhere (notably Wigan's win) meant that our solitary point left us looking at the table willing the results of 5under1and's game against Stoke and Wigan's game against Swansea to go our way, but fearing that by the time we kick off our next game we could be in the bottom three.

Now, writing this report with the benefit of knowing the outcome of those two subsequent games, it again looks like a point won, with Swansea's heroics doing a great deal to calm the nerves.

Looking back on Saturday, we once again performed like a side possessed in the first half. With Sideshow Bob back in the side we looked organised and composed at the back and, while chances were limited for both sides, we definitely looked the more likely scorers, with the principal talking point revolving around whether or not Papiss Cisse's dink past the keeper had crossed the line before it was hooked away by the covering defender. In the instant he got to look at it, our least favourite assistant referee concluded that he didn't see it cross the line (hardly surprising when you recall he didn't see all of that tackle on Massimo Haidara a few weeks ago). With multiple TV replays to pore over, it looked from at least one angle that it had crossed the line, but until goal line technology is introduced next year, we're left with the decision of the officials and they weren't sufficiently convinced.

Unfortunately, having been much the better side in the first half, we started to struggle badly in the second as our defence came under increasing pressure from old boys Rocky and Kevin Nolan. Having been a spectator in the first half, Rob Elliot now found himself much the busier keeper, producing one outstanding double save to thwart Nolan, whilst Rocky threw himself about and was just about neutralised fairly by Sideshow Bob and Danny Simpson (although on another day both could have conceded penalties for their physical efforts to impede West Ham's principal goal threat).

At the other end, Dreamboat saw a shot curl wide and Goofy almost profited from a Jussi Jaaskelainen rush of blood, only to see his effort drop wide; however, we were definitely the side under pressure.

Big Lad replaced HBA and Dan Gosling replaced Goofy, but neither was able to do much to pose a significant threat to Jaaskelainen's goal and in the end a point looked a decent result.

As highlighted earlier, when news of other results filtered through, the picture looked significantly bleaker, but with games still to play it could yet prove to be a crucial point on the road to survival.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Quote of the day

"He's a good player. You'd love to have him here but he belongs to West Ham. If he has a clause in his contract, he's a player we'd like to have."

No sooner has the clause in Demba Ba's contract been activated by Chelsea than 'Appy 'Arry is busy unsettling another club's player with talk of release clauses. The player in question is West Ham's Mohamed Diame - wonder what Fat Sam will make of that.

'Arry's comments appear within a BBC article on Wesley Sneijder, seemingly surplus to requirements at Inter Milan. According to his agent, the Dutch midfielder is open to the possibility of a move to England but is "absolutely not interested" in joining 'Arry's QPR. I wonder whether the Silver Fox could pull off the same trick he managed with Mathieu Debuchy and convince Sneijder that, despite appearances to the contrary, we are a big club and last season wasn't a flash in the pan...

Nolan strikes Hammers' blow

Newcastle Utd 0 - 1 West Ham

I'd love to say that, having taken a couple of days to calm down and reflect, this result becomes any more palatable, but it doesn't.

In a pretty terrible performance, we allowed old boy Kevin Nolan to pop up unmarked at the back post to score the decisive goal in a game which allowed Fat Sam to wear a nauseating smug grin in his post-match interviews, and doubtless any post-match meeting with Jabba.

I used to think that Mark Lawrenson had the face which I most wanted to punch until my knuckles were a bloodied pulp (a la Karate Kid III), but no, Fat Sam is now firmly at the top of that particular list.

That we allowed the fat twat to be so smug is another shining example of the post-Europa League hangover which we've nursed throughout our European campaign to date. Once again, and despite wholesale changes to the team, we looked lethargic and took the majority of the first half to rouse ourselves from our stupor.

Sadly, by that time, we'd conceded a goal, with Nolan (played upfront with ex-roomie Rocky) able to redirect Joey O'Brien's misdirected shot past a helpless Tim Krul. (Fair play to Nolan for having the decency not to celebrate his goal.)

At the other end, while HBA looked lively, we currently look over-reliant on Demba Ba and if he doesn't score we struggle. With only really HBA, Dreamboat (to an extent) and Ba firing it's always going to be a problem if we're chasing a game.

Frustratingly, we struggled to really threaten Jussi Jaaskelainen's goal, and with the exception of a Ba header in the second half, which replays suggested may have fully crossed the line before being clawed away, we didn't really look like creating many chances inside the box, our second best chance being HBA's attempt to score direct from a corner which saw Jaaskelainen push the ball unconvincingly over the bar.

With old boys a-plenty on both sides of the pitch, it was Nolan who made the difference. Thankfully it wasn't a double blow, with Rocky seeing a good effort well saved by Krul in the second half, but despite some late pressure which saw Krul nearly get on the end of an HBA cross at the death we couldn't get the equaliser.

In addition to the defeat, we also lost Spidermag to injury and he was later reported to be undergoing an X-ray, so full news of the damage is still awaited.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Newcastle reunited?

Oh for those halcyon days of assault charges, torched cars, riotous parties and someone doing regular chicken impressions for reasons best known to himself. The Silver Fox seems to have gone all dewy-eyed at the prospect of bringing Rocky and his mentor/guardian Kevin Nolan back to St James' Park from tomorrow's opponents West Ham. We presumably also had scouts watching this chap ASBO score direct from a corner for Marseille in the Europa League on Thursday. And while we're at it, I wonder what Little Saint Mick, the Little Waster and Alan Smith are up to these days?

All joking aside, it's a bit embarrassing. It's undeniable that Rocky and Nolan did well for us, but we've moved on since then and re-signing either of them would be a significant step backwards - Rocky because his physical presence up front would take our current forward-thinking style back to the dark ages (or the golden ages as they're known to Fat Sam), and Nolan because he'll very soon be past it.

While the Silver Fox enthused about Rocky's abilities, he did also suggest that bringing him back would be a way of repaying a "great debt": "The position we are in, if I'm honest, is because we used the money from Andy's sale well". Needless to say, being grateful to him for raising enough revenue to improve the playing squad is not a reason to re-sign him. Of course, the acknowledgement that the squad has improved in his absence doesn't mean we don't need further reinforcements and acquisitions - but neither our Scouse former skipper nor the man whose diary contains as many court appearances as the Lone Ranger's are the answer.

They will now both score against us, of course.

Ups and downs

Not Toon-related, but Saturday's trip to the Madejski to witness Reading at first hand occasioned this post assessing the starts made to the 2012-13 season by the Royals and the five other teams either promoted from or relegated to the Championship. It was a bit upsetting having to be complimentary about Fat Sam, but there was at least the consolation of getting to mention Kevin Nolan being the Mackems' bogeyman.

Rocky road out of Anfield

So it seems that Rocky's finally got the not-so-veiled message Brendan Rodgers has been spouting in the press for weeks: he's not wanted at Anfield. His escape route (on loan) hasn't led him to St James' Park, though, but to Upton Park and a reunion with Fat Sam, whom he claims was a key factor in the decision. He'll certainly provide a focal point for the Hammers' hoof-and-hope style under Allardyce, but how long before the temptations of the capital get to him and he's being forced into being taken in by Kevin Nolan and family?

Elsewhere, one-time target Jordan Rhodes is set to leave Huddersfield to join Blackburn for a cool £8m - an absurd sum for a newly relegated and financially unstable club to be chucking around. Still, he's likely to do well for them - his first job being to step into the boots of crocked former Toon striker Leon O'Best.

Know Your Enemies 2012/3: Part 2

Time for the second instalment of our look at the teams we'll be facing this coming season...

QPR

"There is no way we will be in this situation again in my time here". So said Mark Hughes in the wake of QPR's final-day escape from relegation, and their feverish transfer activity over the summer certainly bears out that determination. No doubt nettled by the fact that they had been promoted as champions and yet saw their Championship inferiors Norwich and Swansea both survive in comfort and no little style, the West Londoners have gone into recruitment overdrive. Astute acquisitions are everywhere. Mark Hughes returned to his old stomping ground Old Trafford to pick up the crumbs from Taggart's table (the ever-reliable and hard-working Ji-Sung Park and loanee Fabio) and was a key factor in persuading Blackburn's much sought-after out-of-contract Junior Hoilett to sign. Samba Diakite is a significant upgrade on Shaun Derry, while in Djibril Cisse, Bobby Zamora and Andrew Johnson they've assembled a trio of strikers who, though all the wrong side of thirty, certainly know how to find the net in the top flight.

This coming season Hughes has every right to expect much more from two of his flair players, Adel Taarabt and Shaun Wright-Phillips, but also has the managerial migraine that is ASBO to contend with, our old boy beginning the campaign banned, fined and stripped of the captaincy for his misdemeanours in that sensational game at the Etihad. If there's a worry for the club as a whole, it's hubris - they may be in danger of overreaching and overstretching themselves in pursuit of success. Just ask Portsmouth how that can pan out.

Reading

I'd imagine it feels pretty good to be a Reading fan right now. Having hit form at exactly the right time and surfed the wave to secure the Championship title, the Royals are now returning to the Premier League under new ownership, with the promise of significant investment that that entails, albeit in a stadium still bearing the former owner's name. The team's achievements have been accomplished under the calm, methodical stewardship of Brian McDermott, an excellent example of the value of old Liverpool strategy of promoting from within.

McDermott's greatest transfer coup has been to persuade Pavel Pogrebnyak that, despite a fruitful loan spell with Fulham, his future lies in Berkshire. His was the marquee signing that served as a statement of intent, but Reading have also been canny in recruiting less flashy reinforcements across the back line in the form of Chris Gunter, Adrian Mariappa and former Royal Nicky Shorey, while Danny Guthrie will add experience (if not class and dining etiquette) to the midfield. However, it's doubtful that some of their most impressive Championship performers will be as effective at the higher level. Jimmy Kebe, for instance, will find life much tougher faced with Premier League full-backs. Adam Le Fondre, meanwhile, is a throwback to the days of predatory fox-in-the-box poachers, when the modern Premier League striker needs to be a much more complete footballer.

Southampton

How things change. In autumn 2008 Portsmouth were taking on and nearly beating AC Milan in Europe, while south coast rivals Southampton ended the season in administration and relegated to League One. Fast forward three years and, while Pompey are in League One without a single senior player on their books and the threat of liquidation hanging over them, the Saints are back in the big time. If they can get beyond the Schadenfreude and start looking for inspiration, then Norwich are proof positive that survival after two consecutive promotions is possible. Star striker Rickie Lambert will no doubt have noted Grant Holt's success at bullying and breaching Premier League defences while the more celebrated likes of Rocky floundered.

Lambert's strike partner is likely to be former Burnley man Jay Rodriguez, for whom Southampton perhaps unwisely smashed their record transfer fee. Throw Billy Sharp, another Championship stalwart, into the mix and it's clear that the Saints are taking a considerable gamble on goalscorers unproven in the Premier League. They've done well to snap up highly-rated Palace youngster Nathaniel Clyne, and already boast the talented Adam Lallana and Team GB representative Jack Cork in midfield, but question marks hang over their strength in depth. It'll be interesting to see whether manager Nigel Adkins can keep up his Mr Nice Guy persona in the face of the stresses, strains and psychological mind games he'll endure in the top flight. It might not be long before he's missing his Football League Show banter with Mark "Clem" Clemmit - and there's a chance they might get to resume their pally encounters in a year's time.

Stoke

If you're looking for subtlety, finesse and grace and find yourself at the Britannia Stadium, then either you need to invest in a new satnav or you've arrived on false pretences - Jonathan Woodgate was let go earlier this summer. Even when Stoke scored a contender for goal of the season (as Peter Crouch's effort against Man City was, until Papiss Cisse took aim against Chelsea), it's notable that the ball never touched the ground from the 'keeper's kick to hitting the back of the net. Yes, the Potters have a system and they're sticking to it - unsurprisingly, given that it's proven brutally effective for four successive seasons now and enabled them to survive and flourish despite minimal financial outlay. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" seems to be the club's motto - though things do often break when they're around, namely noses...

Last summer Crouch replaced Kenwyne Jones as the large of Stoke's little-and-large strike partnership, and Tony Pulis is now looking to upgrade on the little, eager to land Little Saint Mick as an improvement on Jonathan Walters. The baseball-capped Welshman is nothing if not pragmatic, having responded to the hefty price tag Wolves hung around Matt Jarvis' neck by promptly signing fellow winger Michael Kightly instead. The good news for Stoke's opponents is that bogeyman Rory Delap is nearing the end of his career; the bad news is that his protege Ryan Shotton is developing his own version of the Irishman's fabled throw-in, capable of causing as much panic in defences as the sight of salad in a kebab does in Sunderland.

Sunderland

Speak of the devils. The Mackems seem to have been having great trouble attracting players to the Dark Place. Funny, that. Most pressing was a new striker - Niklas Bendtner has returned to Arsenal and Asamoah Gyan has sealed his escape, while of those left Stephane Sessegnon couldn't make it into double figures last season, Connor Wickham has failed to live up to even the most modest expectations and Fraizer Campbell is far more familiar with the physio than he is with his teammates. Little wonder, then, that they were so desperate to sweet-talk free agent Louis Saha into joining and remain keen on snaring Wolves' Steven Fletcher. To date, their only other new signing has been Carlos Cuellar, another past-his-best defender to keep Wes Brown and John O'Shea company.

Nevertheless, there remains some hope even for these most hopeless of wretches. Sunderland are strongest on the flanks, where Sebastian Larsson provides Beckham-esque delivery and recently unearthed talent James McClean offers energy and penetration, and in Martin O'Neill they're undeservedly blessed with a potential saviour. How long before he acknowledges that having Lee Cattermole - a player who makes ASBO look like a tranquillised Buddhist - as captain is a car crash just waiting to happen?

Swansea

Through the tenures of Roberto Martinez, Paulo Sousa and Brendan Rodgers, Swansea have developed a footballing philosophy that is the complete antithesis of Stoke's, and the new man charged with its exposition is Michael Laudrup. The Dane has called upon his connections in pursuing a transfer policy that has seemed largely focused on players with single names who either sound like Pokemon characters (Michu) or conjure up deeply unpleasant repressed memories of X Factor contestants (Chico). One exception is Dutch midfielder Jonathan De Guzman, borrowed from Villareal and set to make a big impression at the Liberty Stadium.

As a former winger himself, Laudrup will presumably be keen to ensure the Swans continue to use pacy wide men Scott Sinclair, Nathan Dyer and Wayne Routledge to their best advantage. He's no doubt less than enamoured of his predecessor's attempts to lure his best players to Liverpool - Joe Allen has already left, and Rodgers is rumoured to be lining up a bid to take Ashley Williams to Anfield too. Together with Angel Rangel, Neil Taylor and Spurs loanee Steven Caulker, Williams was critical in creating the circumstances in which Swansea's rightly lauded total football could thrive last season - if Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins allow that supporting wall to be removed, the whole edifice might collapse.

Spurs

How very typical that Spurs should trounce us 5-0 immediately before embarking on a catastrophic run of form that ultimately deprived them of Champions League qualification and cost 'Appy 'Arry his job. That resulted in Andre Villas-Boas being granted a second crack of the Premier League whip, and he was soon at loggerheads with Luka Modric, the Croatian the subject of intense transfer speculation for the second successive summer and someone who Chelsea, under the Portuguese, were eager to recruit. Thus far Spurs have just about won the battle, as they have with Gareth Bale, but Modric now looks increasingly likely to be lining up for Jose Mourinho's Real Madrid.

In between trying to fight off unwanted attention for the pair, Daniel Levy has spent much of the summer wrangling with Emmanuel Adebayor and his representatives, still unable to agree personal terms on a deal for the man who spearheaded the attack last term. Jermain Defoe might be itching for more regular first-team football, but without Adebayor (or a suitable alternative) Spurs look woefully short-staffed up front. On a more positive note, Belgian centre-back Jan Vertonghen is an excellent addition, especially in light of Ledley King's retirement, and may perhaps be partnered by Steven Caulker, who's on the cusp of a major breakthrough. Gylfi Sigurdsson, fresh from making a huge impact on loan at Swansea, has chosen Spurs over Liverpool and bolsters an already impressive midfield in which Sandro continues to look more assured. Factor in Kyle Walker, arguably the best right-back in the division at present, and Rafael van der Vaart, desperate to put the Netherlands' dismal performance at Euro 2012 behind him, and Spurs have the potential to mount a reasonable title challenge - assuming they aren't fed any dodgy lasagne, that is.

West Brom

Though 'Arry had looked odds-on to land the England job, it eventually went to Roy Hodgson, leaving West Brom seeking a replacement. They found one in the form of Steve Clarke, once of this parish and until recently Kenny Dalglish's number two, who followed Hodgson's footsteps from Anfield to the Hawthorns via a brief period of unemployment. Whether he is able to make himself comfortable or barely has time to singe his buttocks on the managerial hotseat depends partly on the success of his signings.

A primary objective appears to have been to beef up the front line, with disgruntled Chelsea youth Romelu Lukaku and experienced Swedish marksman Markus Rosenberg set to give the likes of Peter Odemwingie and Shane Long serious competition. Midfield recruits Claudio Yacob and Yassine El Ghanassy are a more unknown quantity, while Ben Foster has now swapped Birmingham for the Black Country on a permanent basis. However, it's largely players like Chris Brunt and Jonas Olsson, unheralded by many other than Baggies supporters, who have been instrumental in the club's survival - and may well be again.

West Ham

When West Ham clinched an immediate return to the top tier through the play-offs, the overriding emotion was probably one of relief. Had the Hammers not squeaked through against Blackpool, their retention of players on Premier League wages and riskily substantial January expenditure might well have resulted in financial meltdown. The crucial goal that day was scored by Ricardo Vaz Te, a mid-season recruit finally coming good on the early promise he showed at Bolton. Fat Sam doesn't seem to have much faith in his other strikers Carlton Cole, Nicky Maynard and Sam Baldock, having taken the gamble we weren't prepared to take on Modibo Maiga and expressing unrequited love for Rocky.

QPR's acquisition of Robert Green led to the purchase of not one but two new 'keepers, veteran Jussi Jaaskelainen and Stephen Henderson both happy to be offered escape routes from relegated Bolton and Portsmouth respectively. Fat Sam's sides are rarely a soft touch - usually quite the opposite - and the addition of Mohamed Diame and Alou Diarra to the midfield should ensure that the Hammers are combative where it matters most. Mark Noble and James Tomkins are both a year older and wiser, and, with our former skipper Kevin Nolan adept at the art of popping up unexpectedly in the six-yard area like a mole with an unerring sense of timing, Upton Park probably won't be playing host to Championship football for at least another year.

Wigan

Just what is it that's keeping Roberto Martinez at Wigan? Surely it can't be the prospect of yet another season of struggle, working alchemical magic to turn base metals like Franco di Santo into something with at least the occasional lustre of gold? Maybe Dave Whelan shackles the Spaniard in his cellar every May. With attractive vacancies aplenty in the Premier League this summer (Liverpool, Spurs, Villa), it's remarkable that one of the division's shrewdest and most likeable managers will once again begin the season in the DW dugout.

Survival last season was secured without the assistance of Hugo Rodallega, the contract rebel frozen out of the first team (potentially a classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face) and now at Fulham. His replacement is Arouna Kone, fresh from a productive loan spell at Levante. The Ivorian striker might not be the most loyal of players, though - he'd only inked a permanent deal with the Spaniish outfit in May... Martinez has also looked to La Liga to stiffen up his defence, stealing Real Mallorca's Ivan Ramis from under Fat Sam's snout, while (thus far successfully) fending off Chelsea's menacing approach for midfield gem Victor Moses. Given the Latics' extraordinary ability to scrape to safety against all the odds, only a fool would predict relegation - so allow me to do the honours.

New kids on the block

Euro 2012 has given Lloyd and Lanterne Rouge of Football League blog The Two Unfortunates the opportunity to enjoy a well-deserved breather - but, with things pretty quiet on this front too, we seized the opportunity to ask Reading fan Lanterne Rouge what we can expect from the Royals and the two other clubs who last month waved the Championship goodbye to return to the top flight, West Ham and Southampton.

Alan Pardew must have taken a sharp intake of breath on three separate occasions in recent months, for the trio of clubs that are joining the EPL bun fight for the final year before the TV money goes stratospheric were all once stewarded by the Londoner.

Perhaps more than any other club, the public image West Ham United enjoy is at odds with the way they are portrayed in the press. To the Fourth Estate, they are those jovial bunch of cheeky Cockney caperers, the anvil on which World Cup victory was forged and a national treasure; to the rest of us, this is profoundly mystifying.

With the so-called Academy of Football’s grant long since rescinded by the Inner London Education Authority, the blunt-edged nature of the Hammers’ tactics was even more palpable in 2011-12 – unsurprisingly given the arrival at the helm of Mr Sam Allardyce. Indeed at one point the big man himself called into question the myth of the club’s reputation as a foundation school for the finer arts.

But West Ham did show remarkable nerve in seeing out a nervy run-in after Reading had come to Upton Park and sailed to a 4-2 victory at the end of March. In particular, a tough Blackpool side were defeated in the play-off final at Wembley and there is no question that the ex-Toon boss has fostered a resilience that was absent under previous managers Avram Grant, Gianfranco Zola and … er … Alan Pardew.

The visit of the Irons on 10th November will, therefore, be pregnant with the revenge impulse as both Pardew and Allardyce look to put one over former employers. Big Sam has never been one to avoid the transfer market, however, and it’s likely that his squad will sport a very different sheen from that which ended the season victorious.

Kevin Nolan will be most familiar of course – he again enjoyed a successful campaign slumming it in the Championship, but he’s two years older and seemingly two years angrier than the man who swept all before him as a Magpie in 2009-10. Ahead of Nolan, the Hammers possess a clutch of strikers seemingly recruited to secure promotion before worrying about anything else and given the limited impact Sam Baldock and Nicky Maynard had in Football League waters, it’s unlikely that they, nor those twin Freddies, Piquionne and Sears, will feature much from August.

But Carlton Cole, despite a mediocre season by his standards, should be relishing a return to a league where a dozen goals constitutes a good return while mid-season recruit Ricardo Vaz Tê has a chance to confirm the immense promise he showed at Bolton as a teenager – he could well be the East Londoners’ trump card while they try to do extra business.

The midfield is peppered with experienced but far from long-in-the-tooth players and the ever bubbly Mark Noble will continue to be vital, while Matty Taylor, Jack Collison and Gary O’Neil are joined by an astute acquisition in Mohamed Diamé – his robustness will help offset the reputation the claret and blue have for flimsiness and will allow Allardyce not to repeat the questionable experiment of deploying James Tomkins in the water-carrier role.

Tomkins will start in central defence but Abdoulaye Faye has moved on, necessitating the purchase of a new central defender. Jonas Olsson is the latest rumoured target although such is the Swede’s dependability that a bigger club than the Hammers may come calling. Nor do the club look particularly well served in the full back positions – a group of excellent youngsters including Daniel Potts (son of stalwart Steve) are unlikely to be blooded this early – while Robert Green has also moved on.

So it’s a ragbag squad perhaps a little too full of the personnel who were found wanting under the Grant regime. Expect wheeler-dealing aplenty down the Boleyn Ground this summer.

From this vantage point, Southampton look expertly placed to "do a Norwich" and therein may lie their chief problem – Premier League clubs (including Newcastle) will be much readier for the promoted trio this year, especially when their star player and top scorer, Rickie Lambert, so closely resembles last year’s journeyman success story Grant Holt.

Nigel Adkins has been shrewd, however. The whistle-through-the-teeth £7 million – yes, £7 million – disbursed for elegant Burnley hit man Jay Rodriguez signals a determination not to stand still and both Lambert and Billy Sharp will feel the breath of the younger man at the napes of their necks.

The Saints also possess a midfield creator who it’s highly likely WILL be more than good enough for the top echelon; most observers feel that Adam Lallana has what it takes to make his second divisional step up in the space of a year with ease. Ditto Jack Cork, a wonderfully poised screening midfielder from the Chelsea production line and a man who has waited patiently for his chance at the top table.

After that though, things get muddier -  Morgan Schneiderlin has the tenacity to do a job in the way Norwich’s less heralded worker bees did last season but the lumbering Brazilian Guly Do Prado and perpetual bench warmers Steve de Ridder and Richard Chaplow are unlikely to feature heavily. Rangers’ forgotten man Steven Davis may plug a gap as the vultures circle over the Gers’ carcass.

The Hampshire men’s most talented defender is left-back Danny Fox, but then again he often lacks concentration and is much more effective going forward. Jos Hooiveld and José Fonte have served the club well and although this is the club where Francis Benali and Claus Lundekvam appeared in the Premier League year after year, reinforcements will be sought, as they may be for Danny Butterfield and Kelvin Davis, a classic line goalkeeper.

So at first glance it’s perhaps a surprise that Saints have spent so much of the available cash on Rodriguez – much work still needs to be done.

Champions Reading clinched an unlikely title after critical victories over their key rivals in the run-in, but the whimper with which they went down in a final-day reverse at Birmingham perhaps underlines the surgery that needs to be done.

So dominant were the Royals on being promoted previously in 2006 that Steve Coppell stayed loyal to those who had achieved so spectacularly, keeping the wage bill to sensible limits and being rewarded handsomely with an eighth-place finish.

This time, however, the summer has been dominated by the protracted takeover of Russian-backed Thames Sport Investment, which, having recently been rubber stamped, has seen its first, sensational results in the mooted signing of Pavel Pogrebnyak, a free agent after leaving Stuttgart and the author of six goals in eight games on loan to Fulham last spring.

In many ways, the varied reports of the wages being afforded to the Muscovite could make or break Reading’s prospects - £35,000 a week would be more than the Berkshire club has ever paid a player but would be in tune with the going rate; £65,000, currently being denied, would be a grotesque over-estimation of the club’s natural size and potentially lead to all manner of problems in terms of dressing-room jealousies and even a Portsmouth-style situation a few years down the line.

In January, Jason Roberts kickstarted the Royals’ promotion push but misses the first two matches through suspension and isn’t getting any younger. Elsewhere, the squad is woefully sort of top-flight experience and although 'keepers Adam Federici and Alex McCarthy and midfield dynamo Jem Karacan will surprise a few, there are severe question marks over the rest of the XI’s ability to compete.

Reading have relied on an expansive formation making liberal use of wing play in recent years, a style that may perhaps come back into vogue following Euro 2012 and it may actually be young Welsh international Hal Robson-Kanu who makes a greater impact than club captain Jobi McAnuff and the speedy Jimmy Kébé as the nights draw in, but Pogrebnyak, if his signature is secured, will be far from the only newcomer to the Madejski.

At the moment, hungry up-and-coming players from the Championship would appear to be the chief items on the shopping list – Garath McCleary has already joined from Nottingham Forest while the Biscuitmen are being heavily linked with underrated Watford centre back Adrian Mariappa as well as a man Newcastle fans will know well, Sébastien Bassong.

Thanks to Lanterne Rouge for his thoughts.

Quote of the day

"I’m told he’s got a £7 million get-out at Newcastle and he gets half the money over that. They keep denying it but I think you’ll see in the summer he will leave Newcastle or he’ll get a monstrous rise to stay there."

If it's not Droopy trying to tout Demba Ba around, it's slimy West Ham chairman David Sullivan. Kindly desist from talking about players who aren't your own, you twat.

In the first part of his interview with Hammers fan Ian Dale, Sullivan also claimed: "His agent got £2 million to take him to Newcastle". If true, that helps to explain why Jabba and Llambiarse have been at such pains to insist the deal was a free transfer in name only...

Update

Ba's reaction on Twitter: "I truly think sullivan miss me. What a man ;-)"...

View From The Away End: A West Ham fan's perspective

Given that the summer has seen us exchange Demba Ba for Kevin Nolan and Fat Sam take up the reins at Upton Park, we thought we'd ask long-suffering Hammers fan Kenny for his take on events.

In recent years the fates of the two Uniteds that count (ie West Ham and Newcastle) have been fairly closely linked. With the Hammers' descent into the Championship that might have changed this summer, but transfer dealings and/or personnel switches between the two sides have conspired to create a curious synergy.

In the immediate aftermath of Avram Grant's departure the front-runner to be his successor was former Toon boss Chris Hughton, who briefly played for the Irons and had a track record of transforming an underachieving team into runaway leaders of the Championship and getting promotion back to the "promised land" of the Premiership at the first time of asking. His apparently meek demeanour towards his board at Newcastle would also have pointed to this being a good bet given Gold/Sullivan/Brady's seeming control-freakery.

And yet in the end the availability of another ex-Toon supremo Fat Sam Allardyce proved too big a temptation to resist. It wasn't the most popular decision initially amongst Hammers fans many of whom still cling to a notion of Upton Park being a theatre for a particular passing game never really associated with Allardyce's teams. But his pulling power in terms of bringing in Toon captain Kevin Nolan as a readymade replacement for the outgoing Scotty Parker, with the added value of better end product (ie goals season on season) and recent proven ability in our new division, will buy him time with the Boleyn Ground faithful.

Heading in the other direction, of course, is Demba Ba, who had a release clause in his contract in case of relegation, along with Thomas Hitzlsperger (the latter seemingly Villa-rebound). Ba proved he can score at Premier League level (seven goals since his transfer window arrival) but was only truly effective when playing upfront and centre, often drifting out of games when playing just off Carlton Cole. Played as a traditional Toon No.9 he will get you plenty of goals and no doubt become a cult hero, but of course WHUFC still got relegated with his goals on board, so a bit of a warning there about building your team around him alone. But on the whole I'm happier he's going to Newcastle than the usual vultures like Spurs and Everton, or teams local to myself (rather than the team) like Wolves, Villa or Albion.

Many Hammers fans still have fond regards for current Toon gaffer Alan Pardew and will be wishing him well in his latest assignment. His biggest strength at Upton Park was his shrewd moves in the transfer market, however, so I'm concerned for him if the majority of these dealings are being taken out of his hands.

There's still a lot of business to be done before the seasons start, but I foresee tough campaigns for both sides. Financial prudence often wins brownie points in the media, but once the games start both teams may rue releasing proven talent from their ranks. What both teams will need to meet their targets is everybody pulling together, from the board down to the fans, and for realism not to give way to complacency or defeatism. Add to that the usual requirement of huge dollops of good fortune and who knows, the fixture of West Ham v Newcastle may become a Premier League staple once more.

Amen to that, Kenny - and best wishes to the Hammers in their quest to bounce back at the first attempt.

Kev clucks off

(Paul's had his say - here's my 2p's worth...)

So, in amongst those doing the Cockney walk there'll be someone doing the chicken. Both the decision to sell Kevin Nolan and his destination are dumbfounding.

The Scouser's goals from midfield over the past two seasons have proven absolutely crucial to our revival in fortunes. One of the most significant reasons for our relegation was that, with our much-vaunted strikeforce chronically misfiring, no one from the centre of the park stepped into the breach (Nolan included). Not only does his departure place immediate pressure on Alan Pardew and his team of scouts to source an adequate replacement (who surely won't come cheap and will take time to settle), but in all likelihood it also places greater responsibility on what is, by Premier League standards, already a weak attack.

Much too has been made of Nolan's off-pitch role. While I'd stop short of claiming (as Paul did) that he's always "a strong positive influence off the field" (just think back to Orgygate, for instance), he was clearly well liked in the dressing room and was instrumental in galvanising the team for the promotion push and then top-flight survival.

However, though such endeavours may have been for the benefit of the club, Jabba seems to have taken a rather dimmer view. Our esteemed owner clearly didn't take kindly to having his actions questioned in the wake of Chris Hughton's sacking (that dismissal allegedly partly because our ex-gaffer was too pally and easily manipulated by the senior players) and appears hell-bent on dismantling the players' committee - even it means showing the door to our club captain and top scorer. We might have to start calling him Iron Mike soon.

Jabba's prime motivation was supposedly financial, of course - and you have to say that Nolan's slightly cheeky demand for a five-year contract will have only steeled the owner's will to play hard ball and handed him a ready-made excuse to dispense with him. Whatever the reasons behind the sale, one thing's for certain: it wasn't a footballing decision.

And so to the ramifications. Quite apart from the need to relieve the sudden goalscoring burden on other members of the squad, Pardew also faces trying to quell genuine mutiny, with ASBO blurting out his dismay on Twitter and intimating that he, Jose Enrique and Spidermag would be next out of the door. His subsequent retraction - full of stuff about wanting to stay and win trophies with us - was less convincing than that infamous 'tache, and even if he did fancy staying and seeing out the final year of his contract Jabba will presumably be even more inclined to boot him out as a dressing room rabble-rouser. In his determination to reassert his authority and control, our owner seems to be showing scant regard for the damage he might be inflicting on the club.

And what of Nolan's new employers? As he pointedly remarked after signing, it was nice to know he was wanted - and by Fat Sam, a former manager he already knows well. But it's still curious that a player who still clearly has a lot to offer at the highest level should have voluntarily chosen to step down into the Championship. Our loss is the Hammers' gain, and it wouldn't be much of a surprise to see them back in the top flight before long, propelled there in part by Nolan's knack for goalscoring.

Hammer time for Kev

Confirmation then, that Kevin Nolan has been reunited with Fat Sam and signed for West Ham.

For me, the exasperating part of this is that we've flogged off a player who netted 12 goals for us from midfield last year and was reportedly a strong positive influence off the field as well as on. One who, despite a complete lack of pace, was able to do sterling work in the middle of the park for us and who was one of the reasons why the ship remained steady after the sacking of Hughton and sale of Rocky.

However, this is football and it looks as though the club were unwilling to offer the long term contract which a player approaching his 30s understandably wanted. Equally, ignoring everything else, I can roughly understand why the club might not want to invest heavily in the wages of a player whose career may slowly start to go down hill before too long (although to be fair, it's not like his he has a turn of pace to lose).

Alan Pardew (and the club) have consistently talked a good game on transfers this summer, and for once have acted early to bring in Yohan Cabaye, rather than wait until late July or August before signing anyone, which is encouraging.

Obviously, the time to judge our transfer policy this summer is after the start of the new season.  However, the loss of Nolan, and ASBO's increasingly frustrated tweets suggest he won't be far behind, together with Smith and in all probability Enrique, risks destabilising the core of players around which our team spirit was built. Failure to maintain that "team" mentality risks being far more costly than the loss of any one player.

Nolan may have done very little to keep us up after he was signed by JFK, but he did an awful lot to get us back up and keep us there last year, for which we remain grateful. He goes with our best wishes and sure of a warm reception should Fat Sam manage to guide his bunch of Hammers back to the Premier League (something his new manager certainly won't enjoy).

Quote of the day

"That history that West Ham have I am very well aware of and we will play the West Ham way with the players we have got to achieve the ultimate, and that's winning football matches."

Now that Fat Sam has got his nose in the managerial trough at the Hammers, expect "the West Ham way" to become synonymous with teethgrindingly grim hoof-'n'-hope bludgeon. With him at the helm, you're more likely to see snow on the ball than skill.

Best in show

Newcastle Utd 5 - 0 West Ham

Before we get into the glory of last night's match, I thought I'd share two pre-match conversations I shared with a fellow mag on facebook:

B: "Leon Best up front? If ever there's proof of the need to spend money it's this"

P: "Do you think Pardew is trying to make a point to Jabba?"

B: "I don't know. But if he thinks best is going to do the business I'm very worried about his judgement"

P: "Making a point to Ranger about his timekeeping?"

B: "I just hope he's trying to put him in the shop window. But if he plays like he normally does, his value can only go one way"

------------
P: "Lovenkrands and Best up front tonight. Can't see us scoring lots of goals somehow. Hope I'm proven very wrong."

B: "I'd take and own goal and one nil with that 'attack'"
------------

Think it's fair to say that we both felt a little bit sheepish last night. Sheepish, but delighted, after Leon Best (3), Peter Lovenkrands and Kevin Nolan had put a dismal West Ham side to the sword in spectacular fashion.

With Ameobi injured, Alan Pardew opted to make one change to the side which beat Wigan, bringing in Leon Best, to make his first Premier League start for the club (the man who had been at the club for almost a year without scoring a competitive goal), leaving Nile Ranger on the bench.

It wasn't long before Best had an opportunity to make a good impression, but he was unable to direct his header on target after good work from ASBO. At the other end, Scott Parker saw a swerving long range shot well saved by Steve Harper.

However, it wasn't long before Best started to make my pre-match criticisms look decidedly stupid. Following the breakdown of a West Ham attack, ASBO launched a long ball forward from left back. Best beat his marker to the ball and flicked his header inside to Peter Lovenkrands, who raced on to the ball before knocking it back in to the Irishman's path, and he slotted the ball past Robert Green and into the far corner of the Leazes net.

Best's second came shortly afterwards, following a sharply taken free-kick by ASBO. His ball fed Lovenkrands, whose cross fell to Best to shoot home from close range to add his second of the evening.

Before half-time the game was essentially won when an ASBO ball into the box appeared to strike a Hammer's arm. Referee Mike Dean ignored the protests of Kevin Nolan, who made a bee-line for him in protest, before deciding better of it, and as the ball came back into the box courtesy of Spidermag it was only half cleared by James Tomkins straight to the feet of Nolan, who calmly stroked it round Green and prompt another funky chicken celebration.

Any fears that the second half might see something of a West Ham come-back were quickly dispelled when the ball fell to Best, flirting with offside but in any event completely unmarked, and he took one touch before crashing the ball into the goal to seal a stunning hat-trick (the odds of which were apparently 80-1 before the match).

Lovenkrands then added a fifth from close range, after more good work by ASBO to fully show up my pre-match concerns, and there was still time for Nile Ranger to create his own little bit of football history, when, with the goal at his mercy our young forward contrived to side-foot the ball horribly wide. Expect Ranger to feature on every footballing bloopers video for the next ten years. As the player himself later commented on Twitter: "How did I misss... I feel like s**t!!" How, indeed?

Still, better he saves his goals for a game in which they will be needed. Given how toothless and defensively inept West Ham were last night, their future in the league looks bleak (although given my prediction record, Hammers fans should probably take heart).

The one note of caution I would add is that, while Best's performance was fantastic, it was against an appalling defensive team. Only when he starts scoring against better organised teams will he demonstrate the potential which Chris Hughton identified last January when he signed him. What this result should not do is persuade anyone at the club that we don't still need to strengthen during the transfer window.

Caution aside though, and humble pie firmly in mouth, it was an excellent performance by the team, with Best's the stand out display (although to be fair ASBO gave him a run for his money) and he should rightly be given a further chance against Stevenage to maintain his run.

A Hammer's fan's view: Hammered
 
Other reports: BBC, Guardian