Different day, same bullshit

Stoke City 1 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Defeat to a fluke goal from a defender and one-time Toon target who last scored in 2008. Is there any indignity left for us to suffer? Actually, best not ponder that question and just reflect briefly on the latest miserable Saturday afternoon of a season that has become positively purgatorial - with four games still left to endure.

The fit-again Tim Krul returned for Rob Elliot, who can consider himself somewhat unfortunate to miss out, while outfield the Silver Fox decided to make significant changes in both personnel and formation. Saylor came in to a back three alongside Sideshow Bob and Iron Mike, Paul Dummett was drafted in to play on the left of a midfield five (with Vurnon Anita on the right and Mr T, Dan Gosling and Goofy in the middle) and Big Lad was picked to partner Papiss Cisse up front. Massadio Haidara, Davide Santon and Luuk de Jong all dropped out as a result.

While the changes made us look more solid, we once again offered very little going forwards. The Silver Fox noted afterwards that "we lack creative flair and a bit of ability around the box" - in a nutshell, Dreamboat. How we could have done with someone like man-of-the-match Marko Arnautovic, a constant threat down our right and the supplier of the tenth-minute cross from which Peter Crouch nodded against Krul's right-hand post. The gangly goalgetter later headed another chance high over the bar.

Things could have been different had Gosling not fluffed an excellent opportunity from close range or Mike Jones not waved away legitimate appeals for a penalty following Geoff Cameron's challenge on Cisse. Given Jones' decision to disallow Mr T's long-ranger against Man City, he's far from being our favourite official at present.

With three minutes remaining until the half-time break, the Potters' left-back Erik Pieters secured the headlines by mis-hitting a cross over compatriot Krul's head and in off the far post. It was mightily fortuitous for Stoke, but they say you make your own luck and in our case we've deserved nothing but the worst for the past few weeks.

Having come from behind to snatch points only once so far this season (against the Potters' nine men on Boxing Day), anything other than a defeat looked like a distinctly remote possibility, and the second half continued in much the same lacklustre vein as the first. Substitute Charlie Adam spurned a decent opportunity for our hosts, while it was a measure of our desperation that two of our best efforts came from Iron Mike, both blocked. The real golden chance, though, fell to Anita - the wrong man in the right place to head Big Lad's inviting cross high and wide.

The Silver Fox introduced both HBA and Adam Armstrong (that de Jong remained on the bench was telling), but these popular substitutions were neither enough to change the course of the game nor pacify supporters by now openly calling for the manager's head.

In his post-match interview, the Silver Fox trotted out a series of excuses, ranging from the just-about-acceptable to the downright ridiculous - the quality of the opposition, injuries to ten key players (ten - really?), the actions of the local press: "I actually don’t think the media in the north-east helped us this week. I think they whipped it up, for whatever reason. I know one or two of them are banned from the stadium and they probably used that as a bit of an agenda, which is a shame for us because we want them to support us." Cue a suitably sarcastic retort from the Sunday Sun.

Southampton's shock home defeat to Cardiff means they remain only two points ahead of us in eighth, but the three points pocketed by Stoke have moved them to within a win of us. Relegation-threatened Swansea are up next - we've already given them one timely leg-up this season, and they'll surely fancy their chances of getting another.

 Other reports: BBC, Observer

Boxing Day bonanza

Newcastle Utd 5-1 Stoke City

5-1 victories can rarely be described as fortuitous, but this one - superb entertainment for a Boxing Day afternoon - certainly can. Had referee Martin Atkinson not sent off both Glenn Whelan and Marc Wilson late in the first half, at which point the visitors were deservedly in front, we could never have dreamt of winning, let alone by a four-goal margin.

Not that the dismissals themselves were fortuitous, mind, regardless of whatever Mark Hughes might maintain - far from Atkinson acting as Santa in our favour, he was given no choice about twice brandishing his red card. And we should also be afforded some credit for ruthlessly capitalising on our two-man advantage - what Hughes won't admit is that his side's defeat could and should have been even heavier.

The Silver Fox's pre-match dilemma was who to select in place of the suspended Mr T. Big Lad would have helped us to counter Stoke's aerial power and strength (still very much a feature of their game, despite Hughes' attempts to remodel them), but instead HBA got the nod, following his electrifying goalscoring cameo at Selhurst Park. That suggested, refreshingly, that we were determined to cause our opponents problems rather than worry about the problems they could cause us.

However, for the first 39 minutes, the Silver Fox's recent Midas touch with regard to tactics appeared to have deserted him. HBA, our most dangerous player, saw too little of the ball wide on the right; Davide Santon was off the pace; Loic Remy looked like a man suffering under the shadow of a goal drought and a court case; and Moussa Sissoko, deployed in a more central role, was utterly hopeless both in possession and in the tackle. While we did have a smattering of efforts on goal - a curler from HBA, a dribbler from Goofy - we weren't attacking with sufficient pace and purpose to trouble Stoke.

Meanwhile, the Potters' Steven Nzonzi was largely controlling midfield and Charlie Adam was revelling in his role behind Peter Crouch, twice accepting the invitation to blast left-footed at goal. There had been plenty of groaning and moaning in the stands before Mathieu Debuchy showed right-footed left winger Oussama Assaidi inside for the umpteenth time, and he promptly planted a curled shot beyond Tim Krul into the far corner.

Thankfully, things weren't bleak for long, as Stoke's ill-discipline got the better of them. Whelan was booked for booting the ball away and six minutes later earned himself an early bath with an unnecessary and stupid challenge from behind on Dreamboat. Whelan's petulance was obviously catching, with Hughes kicking a spare ball onto the pitch, throwing his coat into the air in disgust and getting sent to the stands (and subsequently charged with improper conduct) for his trouble - all much to the delight of the home faithful.

Before Hughes had even assumed his new position, his team were reduced to nine. Mini V - who earlier had raised chuckles for taking on Crouch in an aerial battle - threaded a pass through to Remy who was tugged back by Wilson for the inevitable red card and penalty. Remy himself dusted himself down for the spot-kick, but Thomas Sorensen already had form for saving penalties at St James' and easily saved the striker's poor effort. A crazy five minutes came to a happy conclusion, though, Remy making amends by receiving HBA's pass and firing a deflected shot into the Leazes goal, those in red and white protesting about an alleged handball from Mike Williamson in the build-up.

No team talk was required and the Silver Fox made his intentions plain by replacing Mini V with Big Lad at the break. It took all of three minutes for us to complete the turnaround, Goofy making the most of lame clearances by placing a shot into the bottom left corner to register for the fifth successive home match.

Stoke understandably concentrated on fighting battles in the centre of the pitch, which meant that we continually had two-on-one situations when Dreamboat drilled the ball out to the right or left. HBA came into his own, attacking the space, terrifying defenders and hitting the woodwork twice (first the post and then the bar) in the space of four minutes.

Those close shaves came either side of the goal that sealed the victory, Santon's cross flicked on by Sissoko and nodded in by Remy. That was the last of the Italian's major contributions, with Massadio Haidara introduced on the hour mark. Some fans felt this was a bizarrely negative move, but as it turned out the French youngster found himself in acres of space and deployed predominantly as a left winger. Had his crossing been better, Big Lad might have added his name to the score sheet, which was lengthened further when Dreamboat stroked in a peach of a finish.

4-1 up against nine men: an ideal time to bring Papiss Cisse into the fray, with Goofy leaving to a standing ovation. A penalty-area foul on HBA presented an interesting situation: who would take it? The victim of the challenge, who scored from the spot at Palace? Remy, on a hat-trick but already guilty of missing from 12 yards earlier in the match? The cool-headed and in-form Dreamboat? Big Lad, who can boast of having never missed a penalty? In the end, and to the delight of the crowd, the responsibility went to Cisse, who dispatched the ball with aplomb for his first league goal since April. The roar was deafening.

In the remaining ten minutes we should have been awarded another two penalties, one for a shove on Dreamboat and another for a lunge on Haidara, but Atkinson seemingly took pity on the beleaguered visitors, turning a blind eye to the laws of the game and denying us the opportunity to boost our improving goal difference further.

The final whistle brought confirmation of our biggest win of the season (superceding Saturday's victory at Selhurst Park) and, courtesy of the Mackems' unlikely triumph at Goodison Park, of the fact that the gap to fifth place had closed to one point. We'd be foolish to think the result makes us any more likely to beat Arsenal, given the circumstances in which it was achieved, but we nevertheless go into Sunday's meeting with the league leaders in fine spirits.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2013/4: Part 2

And so to the second part of my assessment of our Premier League opponents (first part here), kicking off with the reigning champions...

Man Utd

He's gone - at last. While Taggart will no doubt find a use for his famous watch-tapping gesture when impatiently waiting at bus stops, free pass in hand, his successor has the unenviable task of carrying on where he left off. In some ways David Moyes made for a bold choice - someone unused to wielding a huge budget or, indeed, winning anything - but it was heartening to see an astute, hard-working manager who has paid his dues and whose side has consistently overachieved get the gig ahead of any of the more celebrated continental alternatives. It's not an appointment Chelsea would ever have made, frankly.

As if Moyes' task wasn't hard enough already, two factors have plagued him this summer. Firstly, there are the ongoing reports of Shrek being unsettled - not helped by the pair's falling out while at Everton or the Scot's public pronouncement that Robin van Persie is his automatic first choice. Secondly, there has been no flagship signing that would be a significant show of faith from the board. Moyes has rightly identified central midfield as an area of relative weakness, despite the availability of England regulars Michael Carrick and Tom Cleverley, but his dogged pursuit of first-choice target Cesc Fabregas looks to have been futile. Wilfried Zaha, signed from Crystal Palace in January but only now linking up with his parent club, looks an exciting prospect, but it's debatable whether he's the sort of player needed when Antonio Valencia, Ashley Young, Danny Welbeck and Nani are all still on the books. Third place looks a distinct possibility.

Norwich

Taking into account the stature of Premier League clubs relative to the calibre of players they've recruited, Norwich have arguably had the best summer of any club in the division. In particular, an all-new front line has been procured - skillful Dutchman Ricky van Wolfswinkel and free-scoring Celtic man Gary Hooper, at a combined cost of £13.5m, replacing outgoing Canaries legend Grant Holt, with Chris Martin and Simeon Jackson also departing. The midfield has been bolstered too, with the addition of Leroy Fer, a player nicknamed the Bouncer whom we were sniffing around three years ago.

Anyone fearing that the Canaries had abandoned their policy of cherry-picking the crop of Championship stars needn't have worried, though, with Nathan Redmond and Martin Olsson snapped up from Birmingham and Blackburn respectively. Chris Hughton's job now is to integrate the new players successfully into a team that has survived two seasons in the top flight on account of its hardworking, egalitarian ethic - no easy task. Van Wolfswinkel sounds like a character from a Brothers Grimm fairytale - time will tell if Norwich's season is a fairytale or just plain grim.

Southampton

At the time, the sacking of Nigel Adkins in January seemed to sum up everything that's wrong with the modern game. Here was an honest, decent manager given the boot by a short-sighted, over-ambitious chairman, despite having led the club to two successive promotions. Now, seven months on, you perhaps grudgingly have to admit that Nicola Cortese was right - the Saints looked better under the stewardship of Mauricio Pochettino and survived with relative ease.

Southampton could have a tough second season in store, but the Argentine has struck a couple of eyecatching deals over the summer, bringing in midfield enforcer Victor Wanyama and Croatian defender Dejen Lovren, and already has the likes of Gaston Ramirez and highly-rated youngster Luke Shaw to work with. The Saints can also boast a striker who has just scored a Wembley winner against Scotland with his very first touch in international football - a perfect pick-me-up just as the season is about to get underway.

Spurs

And so to the third major, protracted and thus far uneventful transfer saga of the summer, after Luis Suarez and Shrek. There would have been no prizes for guessing which Spurs player it would involve - scintillating form and spectacular goals (including no fewer than nine winners) meant that Gareth Bale very nearly secured the final Champions League spot for his side single-handedly. If Spurs are able to fend off Real Madrid's advances (and turn a blind eye to the offer of a world-record fee), then fourth is within their grasp courtesy of a trio of excellent acquisitions.

It was baffling that there seemed to be no competition for the signature of Paulinho, a fixture in the Brazilian midfield and substantially cheaper than Man City's Fernandinho, while Spanish striker Roberto Soldado (rumoured to have cost a hefty £26m) and Belgian winger Nacer Chadli also arrived. Clint Dempsey's decision to return to his native USA (and pick up a huge salary) after one solitary season at White Hart Lane surprised few people - likewise Tom Huddlestone's departure for new boys Hull, squeezed out by the likes of Paulinho and Sandro. However, the one major blot on their copybook was the sale of England international central defender Steven Caulker to Cardiff - utterly inexplicable, in light of William Gallas' release. Will it come back to bite them firmly on the derriere, just like the continued failure to identify Benoit Assou-Ekotto as a weak link in need of replacement?

Stoke

Ever since reaching the Premier League in 2008, Stoke have been much maligned (occasionally unfairly) for their style of play - but only last season did it become genuinely prosaic. Mark Hughes is as good a fit as any for Tony Pulis' replacement, but you do wonder whether this might turn out to be a case comparable to that of Alan Curbishley and Charlton in 2006 - the Potters board and fans felt they were stagnating and were happy for the manager to walk away, but it may be that what has seemed like a plateau is in fact a peak and that the only way is downhill.

Hughes has drafted in some intriguing buys, admittedly - Marc Muniesa from Barcelona (clearly in for quite a culture shock), one-time Newcastle target Erik Pieters and raw young American forward Juan Agudelo - but his side will be overly reliant on the ageing strike partnership of Peter Crouch and Jonathan Walters for goals. If they get off to a sticky start, then the three promoted clubs will find themselves with competition for the three relegation positions.

Sunderland

As Newcastle fans, it's tempting to caricature the Mackems' transfer policy as, in essence, throw enough shit at the wall and hope that some of it sticks. However, let's be honest and admit that, in light of our own club's extraordinary inactivity, we're just a teeny bit envious of the Dark Place's crowded arrivals lounge. As with Villa, it appears that a list of targets was compiled from scouting reports and that the board then set about swiftly and determinedly getting their men. Emanuele Giaccherini and Cabral in particular look like very useful additions to the side.

Aside from the numerous purchases, Paulo Di Canio's resolve to stamp his authority on the squad has also been demonstrated by the systematic dismantling of his predecessor's legacy. Martin O'Neill's two January signings, Danny Graham and Alfred N'Diaye, have both been deemed surplus to requirements and shipped out on loan, while James McClean, who initially flourished under the Northern Irishman's guidance, has been flogged off to Wigan. Here's hoping that none of the new signings acclimatise to the rigours of the Premier League, and that Di Canio has a complete meltdown at an inopportune moment - preferably in the aftermath of us exacting sweet revenge for that 3-0 defeat last season...

Swansea

The easiest-on-the-eye side in the top flight, guided to the first major trophy in their 100-year history and a place in Europe by someone who, as a player, won league titles with Ajax, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Juventus and has been named as his country's greatest ever. Yes, Swansea fans could be forgiven for pinching themselves. Not that the Swans' summer got off to a great start, though. Tensions between Michael Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins led to the club severing all ties with the Dane's agent, with the manager implying he might walk out, but somehow it never came to that.

Whether you regard Laudrup's agitating for significant expenditure on new recruits as thoroughly justified in view of his achievements last season and of their forthcoming European campaign (after all, we serve as a useful cautionary tale) or simply as a childish and petulant tantrum, he certainly got his way. A club record £12m was lavished on Mr T's Ivory Coast colleague Wilfried Bony, who will spearhead the attack. This will mean undisputed bargain of the last season Michu will play a little deeper, and while the Spaniard excelled at bursting into the box late to snap up crosses, you do wonder whether Bony's arrival might be to his detriment. Getting Jonathan de Guzman back on loan was a no-brainer, while La Liga was tapped for a further three new additions and no first-teamers have been spirited away. Penny for Scott Sinclair's thoughts...

West Brom

Of all the non-moves this summer, perhaps Peter Odemwingie's has been the most noteworthy. Who knows - he may have been busy frequenting the car parks of rival clubs in the hope of being offered a contract, but at the present moment he remains, most improbably, a West Brom employee. Steve Clarke's biggest headache, though, is how to fill the boots of Romelu Lukaku. The fact that he's signed two strikers - Nicolas Anelka, who has vowed to make the Baggies his sixth and final Premier League club, and Matej Vydra, last season's Championship Player of the Year while on loan at Watford - who are each in a very different mould suggests that he's not even going to try.

Uncompromising veteran centre-back Diego Lugano, Luis Suarez's captain at international level, will shore up a defence in which Jonas Olsson and Gareth McAuley looked increasingly fallible last year - a key reason why, despite Lukaku's heroics up front, West Brom slumped after a very promising start. If the same happens this year, and the Belgian does indeed prove irreplaceable, then at least Anelka, nicknamed the Incredible Sulk, will have Odemwhingy for company.

West Ham

If one thing's clear from West Ham's summer spending, it's that Fat Sam hasn't had some kind of Damascene conversion and embraced tiki-taka. After some suggestion that he'd be amenable to a return to his hometown club, Rocky signed for the Hammers, followed shortly afterwards by Stewart Downing, another player who had been linked with a move to St James' Park and the man to supply the ammunition. There's no doubt who were the prime beneficiaries of Brendan Rodgers' surplus-to-requirements firesale.

Even with Rocky, they look somewhat short up front, one-time Toon target Modibo Maiga having failed to live up to expectations. In midfield, Mohamed Diame can be an all-action powerhouse, but surely our former captain Kevin Nolan's ageing legs will prevent him from being so deadly in the box this time around? Meanwhile, the arrival of Romanian captain Razvan Rat from Shakhtar Donetsk will have the tabloid hacks rubbing their hands with glee - even if the prospect of watching hoofball at a freezing Upton Park in January doesn't.

Papiss poke slays Stoke

Newcastle Utd 2 – 1 Stoke City 

Three more points, secured in the dying moments by the boot of Papiss Cisse, were a satisfying end to an otherwise frustrating performance on Sunday as we increased the distance between ourselves and the relegation zone.

This win, which moves us on to 33 points, now means that the Silver Fox can afford to focus 100% on the Europa League, confident that we’ve got enough in the tank to pick up points over the remaining nine league games to retain our Premier League status.

Going into the match, we rotated the team from that which performed to great credit in Moscow, bringing in Cisse, Goofy, Spidermag, Mr T, Davide Santon and Mathieu Debuchy.  Completely absent from the matchday squad were HBA and Big Lad, presumably feeling the effects of the plastic pitch.

Unsurprisingly for a team who have been dismal away for much of this season, Stoke came to frustrate and get men behind the ball, leaving little space for our creative players to flourish. Our best chance of the first half fell to Goofy, only for him to lift the ball over the bar from seven yards out. At the other end, Santon was slightly fortunate to escape a tangle of legs with Ryan Shotton without censure (although claims for a penalty from Stoke boss Tony Pulis were fanciful given the contact was outside the penalty area).

In the second half, we continued to struggle to break down the away team, while Saylor and MYM looked to be doing a fine job of mastering the Stoke forward line.

Unfortunately, while otherwise enjoying a fine game, Mr T, having lost the ball upfield, took it upon himself to run half the length of the pitch to try and recover possession, only to completely upend Jonathan Walters in our box to give the visitors a penalty. Walters himself took the kick, and despite some recent poor form from the spot, sent Rob Elliot the wrong way to give Stoke an undeserved lead.

Back came Newcastle, with Moussa Sissoko’s storming run only stopped by a foul right on the edge of the Stoke area. Though Dreamboat’s attempt to move the ball slightly further back was prevented by referee Andre Marriner, our captain for the day nevertheless lifted the ball over the Stoke wall and into the Gallowgate net, via the crossbar.

With time running out, the Silver Fox opted to throw on young Adam Campbell for his Premier League debut, and one of his first touches was a pass to fellow substitute Sylvain Marveaux, whose pinpoint pass bisected the Stoke defence and found Cisse onside. He let the ball drop before calmly prodding it home to give us a very valuable victory.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Kicked in the potteries

Stoke City 2 - 1 Newcastle Utd

Of all the places that we could have gone on the back of a terrible run of results and the nadir of our performance against Southamption, the last option on the list would probably be the Britannia Stadium.

With further injuries mounting after our last match, the Silver Fox was able to welcome back Sideshow Bob for the the hamstrung Saylor and also bring back Perchinho into central midfield.

Hearteningly, what transpired in the first half was a committed performance in which we more than matched the home side in a display as far removed from the insipid game at the weekend as possible. Sideshow Bob's clash of heads with Peter Crouch saw the shit Andy Carroll depart the field and head straight for bed to make a small fortune from the tooth fairy. The closest either side came to a goal was Mike Williamson deflecting the ball onto our own post.

Unchanged at half time, we managed to nick a goal when Mr T won the ball in midfield and passed it to Demba Ba. Our in-form striker strode forward and launched a thirty-yard shot at goal, which Begovic couldn't hold and Papiss Cisse was on hand to slot the rebound home and give us a lead.

As the second half unfolded, while we came under pressure, we continued to look solid with both Cisse and Ba seeing shots well saved by Begovic as we sought to catch Stoke on the break. Unfortunately, we then contrived to take our eye well and truly off the ball and with ten minutes left of the game conceded two goals in quick succession, both of which could have been avoided with some better defending.

Firstly we allowed Jon Walters too much time on the ball and he flicked the ball out wide for substitute Cameron Jerome. Again we failed to close him down and his cross was met by Walters to nod a free header past Krul (a free header because nobody tracked the run). With our lead gone we suddenly looked shaky and minutes later ex-Mackem Kenwyne Jones beat Williamson to a header, knocking the ball down into the path of the onrushing Jerome to slot home a winner. All the more galling was the fact that when the long ball was fired forward Jerome had been ten yards behind Sideshow Bob, only to accelerate away from him as our returning captain was caught ball-watching.

From there, with limited options on the bench, the Silver Fox was left to scrape the bottom of the barrel and throw on the Lone Ranger for a five minute burst in place of Cisse.

Looking for positives, apart from a five-minute spell in which we forgot how to defend, we actually played pretty well. Perchinho returned to fitness (albeit managing to pick up the booking which rules him out of the Wigan game) and Sideshow Bob also came back into the side. Cisse scored a goal which can only help his confidence and Vurnon Anita again enjoyed a decent game.

However, we still lost and the Wigan game is definitely one from which we need to get something.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2012/3: Part 2

Time for the second instalment of our look at the teams we'll be facing this coming season...

QPR

"There is no way we will be in this situation again in my time here". So said Mark Hughes in the wake of QPR's final-day escape from relegation, and their feverish transfer activity over the summer certainly bears out that determination. No doubt nettled by the fact that they had been promoted as champions and yet saw their Championship inferiors Norwich and Swansea both survive in comfort and no little style, the West Londoners have gone into recruitment overdrive. Astute acquisitions are everywhere. Mark Hughes returned to his old stomping ground Old Trafford to pick up the crumbs from Taggart's table (the ever-reliable and hard-working Ji-Sung Park and loanee Fabio) and was a key factor in persuading Blackburn's much sought-after out-of-contract Junior Hoilett to sign. Samba Diakite is a significant upgrade on Shaun Derry, while in Djibril Cisse, Bobby Zamora and Andrew Johnson they've assembled a trio of strikers who, though all the wrong side of thirty, certainly know how to find the net in the top flight.

This coming season Hughes has every right to expect much more from two of his flair players, Adel Taarabt and Shaun Wright-Phillips, but also has the managerial migraine that is ASBO to contend with, our old boy beginning the campaign banned, fined and stripped of the captaincy for his misdemeanours in that sensational game at the Etihad. If there's a worry for the club as a whole, it's hubris - they may be in danger of overreaching and overstretching themselves in pursuit of success. Just ask Portsmouth how that can pan out.

Reading

I'd imagine it feels pretty good to be a Reading fan right now. Having hit form at exactly the right time and surfed the wave to secure the Championship title, the Royals are now returning to the Premier League under new ownership, with the promise of significant investment that that entails, albeit in a stadium still bearing the former owner's name. The team's achievements have been accomplished under the calm, methodical stewardship of Brian McDermott, an excellent example of the value of old Liverpool strategy of promoting from within.

McDermott's greatest transfer coup has been to persuade Pavel Pogrebnyak that, despite a fruitful loan spell with Fulham, his future lies in Berkshire. His was the marquee signing that served as a statement of intent, but Reading have also been canny in recruiting less flashy reinforcements across the back line in the form of Chris Gunter, Adrian Mariappa and former Royal Nicky Shorey, while Danny Guthrie will add experience (if not class and dining etiquette) to the midfield. However, it's doubtful that some of their most impressive Championship performers will be as effective at the higher level. Jimmy Kebe, for instance, will find life much tougher faced with Premier League full-backs. Adam Le Fondre, meanwhile, is a throwback to the days of predatory fox-in-the-box poachers, when the modern Premier League striker needs to be a much more complete footballer.

Southampton

How things change. In autumn 2008 Portsmouth were taking on and nearly beating AC Milan in Europe, while south coast rivals Southampton ended the season in administration and relegated to League One. Fast forward three years and, while Pompey are in League One without a single senior player on their books and the threat of liquidation hanging over them, the Saints are back in the big time. If they can get beyond the Schadenfreude and start looking for inspiration, then Norwich are proof positive that survival after two consecutive promotions is possible. Star striker Rickie Lambert will no doubt have noted Grant Holt's success at bullying and breaching Premier League defences while the more celebrated likes of Rocky floundered.

Lambert's strike partner is likely to be former Burnley man Jay Rodriguez, for whom Southampton perhaps unwisely smashed their record transfer fee. Throw Billy Sharp, another Championship stalwart, into the mix and it's clear that the Saints are taking a considerable gamble on goalscorers unproven in the Premier League. They've done well to snap up highly-rated Palace youngster Nathaniel Clyne, and already boast the talented Adam Lallana and Team GB representative Jack Cork in midfield, but question marks hang over their strength in depth. It'll be interesting to see whether manager Nigel Adkins can keep up his Mr Nice Guy persona in the face of the stresses, strains and psychological mind games he'll endure in the top flight. It might not be long before he's missing his Football League Show banter with Mark "Clem" Clemmit - and there's a chance they might get to resume their pally encounters in a year's time.

Stoke

If you're looking for subtlety, finesse and grace and find yourself at the Britannia Stadium, then either you need to invest in a new satnav or you've arrived on false pretences - Jonathan Woodgate was let go earlier this summer. Even when Stoke scored a contender for goal of the season (as Peter Crouch's effort against Man City was, until Papiss Cisse took aim against Chelsea), it's notable that the ball never touched the ground from the 'keeper's kick to hitting the back of the net. Yes, the Potters have a system and they're sticking to it - unsurprisingly, given that it's proven brutally effective for four successive seasons now and enabled them to survive and flourish despite minimal financial outlay. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" seems to be the club's motto - though things do often break when they're around, namely noses...

Last summer Crouch replaced Kenwyne Jones as the large of Stoke's little-and-large strike partnership, and Tony Pulis is now looking to upgrade on the little, eager to land Little Saint Mick as an improvement on Jonathan Walters. The baseball-capped Welshman is nothing if not pragmatic, having responded to the hefty price tag Wolves hung around Matt Jarvis' neck by promptly signing fellow winger Michael Kightly instead. The good news for Stoke's opponents is that bogeyman Rory Delap is nearing the end of his career; the bad news is that his protege Ryan Shotton is developing his own version of the Irishman's fabled throw-in, capable of causing as much panic in defences as the sight of salad in a kebab does in Sunderland.

Sunderland

Speak of the devils. The Mackems seem to have been having great trouble attracting players to the Dark Place. Funny, that. Most pressing was a new striker - Niklas Bendtner has returned to Arsenal and Asamoah Gyan has sealed his escape, while of those left Stephane Sessegnon couldn't make it into double figures last season, Connor Wickham has failed to live up to even the most modest expectations and Fraizer Campbell is far more familiar with the physio than he is with his teammates. Little wonder, then, that they were so desperate to sweet-talk free agent Louis Saha into joining and remain keen on snaring Wolves' Steven Fletcher. To date, their only other new signing has been Carlos Cuellar, another past-his-best defender to keep Wes Brown and John O'Shea company.

Nevertheless, there remains some hope even for these most hopeless of wretches. Sunderland are strongest on the flanks, where Sebastian Larsson provides Beckham-esque delivery and recently unearthed talent James McClean offers energy and penetration, and in Martin O'Neill they're undeservedly blessed with a potential saviour. How long before he acknowledges that having Lee Cattermole - a player who makes ASBO look like a tranquillised Buddhist - as captain is a car crash just waiting to happen?

Swansea

Through the tenures of Roberto Martinez, Paulo Sousa and Brendan Rodgers, Swansea have developed a footballing philosophy that is the complete antithesis of Stoke's, and the new man charged with its exposition is Michael Laudrup. The Dane has called upon his connections in pursuing a transfer policy that has seemed largely focused on players with single names who either sound like Pokemon characters (Michu) or conjure up deeply unpleasant repressed memories of X Factor contestants (Chico). One exception is Dutch midfielder Jonathan De Guzman, borrowed from Villareal and set to make a big impression at the Liberty Stadium.

As a former winger himself, Laudrup will presumably be keen to ensure the Swans continue to use pacy wide men Scott Sinclair, Nathan Dyer and Wayne Routledge to their best advantage. He's no doubt less than enamoured of his predecessor's attempts to lure his best players to Liverpool - Joe Allen has already left, and Rodgers is rumoured to be lining up a bid to take Ashley Williams to Anfield too. Together with Angel Rangel, Neil Taylor and Spurs loanee Steven Caulker, Williams was critical in creating the circumstances in which Swansea's rightly lauded total football could thrive last season - if Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins allow that supporting wall to be removed, the whole edifice might collapse.

Spurs

How very typical that Spurs should trounce us 5-0 immediately before embarking on a catastrophic run of form that ultimately deprived them of Champions League qualification and cost 'Appy 'Arry his job. That resulted in Andre Villas-Boas being granted a second crack of the Premier League whip, and he was soon at loggerheads with Luka Modric, the Croatian the subject of intense transfer speculation for the second successive summer and someone who Chelsea, under the Portuguese, were eager to recruit. Thus far Spurs have just about won the battle, as they have with Gareth Bale, but Modric now looks increasingly likely to be lining up for Jose Mourinho's Real Madrid.

In between trying to fight off unwanted attention for the pair, Daniel Levy has spent much of the summer wrangling with Emmanuel Adebayor and his representatives, still unable to agree personal terms on a deal for the man who spearheaded the attack last term. Jermain Defoe might be itching for more regular first-team football, but without Adebayor (or a suitable alternative) Spurs look woefully short-staffed up front. On a more positive note, Belgian centre-back Jan Vertonghen is an excellent addition, especially in light of Ledley King's retirement, and may perhaps be partnered by Steven Caulker, who's on the cusp of a major breakthrough. Gylfi Sigurdsson, fresh from making a huge impact on loan at Swansea, has chosen Spurs over Liverpool and bolsters an already impressive midfield in which Sandro continues to look more assured. Factor in Kyle Walker, arguably the best right-back in the division at present, and Rafael van der Vaart, desperate to put the Netherlands' dismal performance at Euro 2012 behind him, and Spurs have the potential to mount a reasonable title challenge - assuming they aren't fed any dodgy lasagne, that is.

West Brom

Though 'Arry had looked odds-on to land the England job, it eventually went to Roy Hodgson, leaving West Brom seeking a replacement. They found one in the form of Steve Clarke, once of this parish and until recently Kenny Dalglish's number two, who followed Hodgson's footsteps from Anfield to the Hawthorns via a brief period of unemployment. Whether he is able to make himself comfortable or barely has time to singe his buttocks on the managerial hotseat depends partly on the success of his signings.

A primary objective appears to have been to beef up the front line, with disgruntled Chelsea youth Romelu Lukaku and experienced Swedish marksman Markus Rosenberg set to give the likes of Peter Odemwingie and Shane Long serious competition. Midfield recruits Claudio Yacob and Yassine El Ghanassy are a more unknown quantity, while Ben Foster has now swapped Birmingham for the Black Country on a permanent basis. However, it's largely players like Chris Brunt and Jonas Olsson, unheralded by many other than Baggies supporters, who have been instrumental in the club's survival - and may well be again.

West Ham

When West Ham clinched an immediate return to the top tier through the play-offs, the overriding emotion was probably one of relief. Had the Hammers not squeaked through against Blackpool, their retention of players on Premier League wages and riskily substantial January expenditure might well have resulted in financial meltdown. The crucial goal that day was scored by Ricardo Vaz Te, a mid-season recruit finally coming good on the early promise he showed at Bolton. Fat Sam doesn't seem to have much faith in his other strikers Carlton Cole, Nicky Maynard and Sam Baldock, having taken the gamble we weren't prepared to take on Modibo Maiga and expressing unrequited love for Rocky.

QPR's acquisition of Robert Green led to the purchase of not one but two new 'keepers, veteran Jussi Jaaskelainen and Stephen Henderson both happy to be offered escape routes from relegated Bolton and Portsmouth respectively. Fat Sam's sides are rarely a soft touch - usually quite the opposite - and the addition of Mohamed Diame and Alou Diarra to the midfield should ensure that the Hammers are combative where it matters most. Mark Noble and James Tomkins are both a year older and wiser, and, with our former skipper Kevin Nolan adept at the art of popping up unexpectedly in the six-yard area like a mole with an unerring sense of timing, Upton Park probably won't be playing host to Championship football for at least another year.

Wigan

Just what is it that's keeping Roberto Martinez at Wigan? Surely it can't be the prospect of yet another season of struggle, working alchemical magic to turn base metals like Franco di Santo into something with at least the occasional lustre of gold? Maybe Dave Whelan shackles the Spaniard in his cellar every May. With attractive vacancies aplenty in the Premier League this summer (Liverpool, Spurs, Villa), it's remarkable that one of the division's shrewdest and most likeable managers will once again begin the season in the DW dugout.

Survival last season was secured without the assistance of Hugo Rodallega, the contract rebel frozen out of the first team (potentially a classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face) and now at Fulham. His replacement is Arouna Kone, fresh from a productive loan spell at Levante. The Ivorian striker might not be the most loyal of players, though - he'd only inked a permanent deal with the Spaniish outfit in May... Martinez has also looked to La Liga to stiffen up his defence, stealing Real Mallorca's Ivan Ramis from under Fat Sam's snout, while (thus far successfully) fending off Chelsea's menacing approach for midfield gem Victor Moses. Given the Latics' extraordinary ability to scrape to safety against all the odds, only a fool would predict relegation - so allow me to do the honours.

Ab fab, Cab

Newcastle Utd 3 - 0 Stoke City

It just gets better and better, doesn't it?

Overshadowed by his fellow Francophone team-mates HBA and Papiss Cisse in recent weeks, Dreamboat turned in a superb individual display on Saturday, contributing two goals and an assist described by the Silver Fox as "exquisite". The other headline news as Tony Pulis' perennial party poopers were blown away was the fact that Cisse was on target for the sixth successive game, a record in this season's Premier League. To say he's hit the ground running would be an understatement...

The enforced two-week lay-off as a result of Chelsea's continued involvement in the FA Cup could potentially have worked against us, disrupting our momentum, but in actual fact it had no discernible impact at all except for allowing us to nurse Mr T back to health and, if anything, we were better than against Bolton on Easter Monday.

On that occasion, it had taken a flash of genius from HBA to break the deadlock, and once again his involvement was critical. Having teased and beaten Marc Wilson with ease, he stood up a cross to the back post and, when Cisse's header came back of the bar, Dreamboat was lurking to nod home.

The Silver Fox's decision to move Spidermag inside and push the former Lille man further forward was paying instant dividends - underlined just four minutes later, when his astonishingly precise through-ball picked out the ever eager Cisse, whose left-footed finish beat Asmir Begovic and crept inside the post. 2-0, then, and less than twenty minutes played - how the visitors must have been rueing Jon Walters' hopelessly skied volley when the game was still goalless.

With Cisse seemingly unable to stop scoring, the pressure has been taken off his compatriot Demba Ba, who has only found the net once since returning from the African Cup of Nations. In fairness, though, Ba has been asked to perform in a different role since Cisse's arrival for the good of the team and went close on a couple of occasions, as did Davide Santon, up from left-back with a right-footed shot that Begovic had to go full-length to stop.

Into the second period and the sumptuous football continued, with Dreamboat central to everything. Cisse thought he'd added a third, rounding Begovic and tapping in after the Stoke 'keeper had spilled Ba's fizzing drive, only to be denied (wrongly, perhaps) by the linesman's flag. We didn't have to wait long to extend our lead, though, Dreamboat bringing to an end a short bout of pinball with a delicious bouncing curler into the far corner from the edge of the box.

That was one of his last acts before making way, his replacement Perchinho immediately called upon to block a Peter Crouch shot. That ensured that complacency wasn't allowed to set in, and in truth we could easily have boosted our steadily improving goal difference even further. Seemingly determined to bag another goal against the club who rejected him, Ba kept trying his luck without success and Sideshow Bob nodded an HBA corner just wide of the post. The closest we came to a fourth, though, were a couple of long-range thunderbolts from the boot of Mr T, both of which asked stern questions of Begovic.

Cisse followed Dreamboat off, Big Lad putting in his customary cameo, while Danny Simpson was also withdrawn as the clock wound down. The luxury of being able to use substitutions to rest players is practically unheard of on Tyneside, so it was just another bonus on a day when pretty much everything went for us.

With Chelsea drawing 0-0 in a dour affair at the Emirates and Spurs put to the sword by old boy Adel Taarabt, our sixth consecutive victory (and fourth consecutive clean sheet) was enough to see us seize fourth spot, three points ahead of fifth-placed Spurs and just three behind third-placed Arsenal, and with a game in hand too. Everton's failure to win at Old Trafford means that we're now guaranteed of European football of some description next season, while Wigan's wobble at Fulham suggests they may be losing the exceptional form that saw them beat Man Utd and Arsenal in consecutive matches just in time for Saturday's trip to the DW Stadium.

However, that 4-4 draw at Old Trafford combined with the Man City victory that relegated Wolves means that the title can't be settled by the Manchester derby on the 30th, and therefore that our one remaining home game, against City, will be a tougher proposition than it might have been. Away fixtures at Chelsea and Everton don't make for pleasant reading either - but the fact is that performances like this mean our opponents all have increasingly good reason to fear us too.

Other reports: BBC, Observer

Demba's perfect 'trick a treat

Stoke City 1 - 3 Newcastle Utd

A perfect hat-trick (header, left foot, right foot) was enough to overcome the forces of anti-football at the Britannia Stadium last night.

While Demba Ba should rightly take a lot of the plaudits from last night, credit for the win should go to the Silver Fox who came up with a perfect strategy to nullify the home side and the eleven players he then sent out who ran themselves into the ground in executing it perfectly.

With Mr T injured, the only change from the team who beat Wigan saw Danny Guthrie joining Dreamboat in central midfield. Saylor was able to continue his partnership with Sideshow Bob despite a broken nose thanks to a mask.

With the home side seeking to exploit their height and rely upon Rory Delap's long throw, this was no match for the defence to hide, and they didn't. Simpson, Saylor, Sideshow Bob, Raylor and Krul were all called upon to battle for high balls, with Raylor in particular picking up a number of knocks for his troubles, but all acquitted themselves superbly.

In midfield Spidermag and Obertan Kenobi ran tirelessly, with the Argentine required to spend much of the game defending the threat posed by Jermaine Pennant. With Dreamboat and Guthrie working hard to close down the space, and Ba and Leon O'Best also working hard, we closed Stoke down and made it really hard for them to create clear chances.

Having worked so hard, we were perhaps a little fortunate to go ahead, with O'Best coming from an offside position to flick a long ball wide for Kenobi. The Frenchman raced down the line before knocking a great ball across the box for the flying Ba to head home unchallenged.

Ironically, our second goal came from a move started by a long throw. Raylor's ball in was never properly cleared and when it fell to O'Best his mis-hit shot looked to be going wide before Ba stuck his left foot out to knock it into the net.

2-0 up at half-time, the plan was clearly working. While the second half wasn't as straightforward, we nonetheless continued to battle for every ball to ensure Stoke didn't get a clear chance.

Unfortunately, Ba was caught battling a little too hard, with his two-handed push on Peter Crouch spotted by the referee who gave Stoke a penalty that Jon Walters smashed past Krul to give the home team a lifeline.

Thankfully, having given one soft penalty against us, matters were evened up when Robert Huth put both his hands on O'Best's back a few minutes later and Ba duly stepped up to slot home our first penalty of the season and complete his hat-trick.

There was still time left in the game for Kenobi to fire a good chance wide and for James Perch, on for Dreamboat (a move likened by someone on Twitter to "replacing a Bugatti Veyron with a micro scooter"), to pick up a booking within fourteen seconds of coming onto the pitch.

All in all it was an outstanding team effort, almost as satisfying as the slaughter of 5under1and which took place exactly a year ago. There must be something about playing teams in red and white stripes on Halloween. This tim,e though, the result lifted us to third in the table, with a chance to go second for a few hours if we overcome Everton at lunchtime on Saturday.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Bunch of aaarrrggghhh Sols

Stoke 4 - 0 Newcastle

Another defeat, and this time one to really set alarm bells ringing. Saturday saw us mauled by a Stoke side commonly characterised as a one-tactic team - but nullifying the threat posed by Rory Delap was about the only thing we got right all afternoon.

Very few of the players can claim to have done themselves justice, but the brunt of the blame has to lie with Alan Pardew. The 3-5-2 didn't work against Everton and ASBO was back to take up his place on the right side of our usual 4-4-2 - but our manager, in his wisdom, still insisted on selecting three central defenders, with wing-backs flanking a three-man central midfield. If Pardew thought the reason the experiment hadn't worked against Moyes' men was the personnel, then this will have been a rude awakening - Sol Campbell, drafted in for Steven Taylor, must have been embarrassed at being made to look the very epitome of a pedestrian, washed-up, waistband-elastic-botherer as Stoke's sub-stellar talents tore us apart.

There had been bad news even before our hosts took the lead. I should have known better than to detect the beginnings of "a new pragmatic caution with regard to rehabilitation". Jose Enrique, who hobbled off in the first half against the Toffees, was once again back in the dressing room before the break. Chalk that up as something else Pardew got very, very wrong - though in truth his replacement Shane Ferguson at least gave a good account of himself.

We were 1-0 down shortly afterwards, Jermaine Pennant's deflected cross from the right glanced past Steve Harper by Jonathan Walters. This roused us into a modicum of action, but a pair of half-chances went unconverted and the half-time whistle blew with no further additions to the scoreline. Before the second period was five minutes old, though, there had been two - and neither of them in our favour.

First Steve Harper made an uncharacteristic but horrific error, dithering when he should have put his foot through the ball. Ex-5under1and striker Kenwyne Jones robbed him and Matthew Etherington crossed for fellow winger Pennant to score from close range. An unsighted Harper didn't stand much of a chance three minutes later, Danny Higginbotham's free-kick rocketing into the roof of the net from distance.

Pardew belatedly abandoned the 3-5-2, Spidermag coming on for Campbell, while Peter Lovenkrands made way for the unpredictability of Nile Ranger. We improved as a result - though that wouldn't have been hard. ASBO would have emulated Higginbotham were it not for a flying save from Asmir Begovic, and the Potters' Bosnian custodian also denied Ferguson after a splendid solo run that put his more seasoned teammates' pitiful efforts to shame.

But there were two more blows to come, both struck by substitute Ricardo Fuller's boot. The first was an off-the-ball hoof on ASBO which went unpunished other than with a lecture. It had to be the Jamaican, then, who completed the scoring in injury time, running onto a long ball and lashing past Harper.

That's now one win in nine, and although we've actually been playing better than that suggests this was as poor as a display as we've put in all year - and at a crucial time of the season, when teams below us were busy picking up points. Just four points now separate us from Wolves in 18th - fail to win at home to them in a fortnight's time (which we'll have to do without Cheik Tiote, recipient of a two-match ban for his tenth yellow card of the season) and we really will be in serious trouble.

A Stoke fan's perspective: The Rock 'N' Roll Oatcake

Other reports: BBC, Guardian