Unlucky Jim

Poor Perchinho. He's been doing his very best to ensure a memorable and successful season for Wigan, but without much joy. First he scored the winning goal against Man City that took the Latics to the semi-finals of the FA Cup, where they were beaten by favourites Arsenal. And then last night he broke the deadlock in the second leg of their play-off semi-final against QPR, giving his team a vital away goal, only for two strikes from Charlie Austin to deny them a second bite at Wembley success this season.

QPR's victory means they now face Derby in a head-to-head battle for promotion to the Premier League. It promises to be an entertaining encounter, one which I'm personally hoping the Rams win - QPR have been living way beyond their means for some time now, and we don't really want to have to meet ASBO or 'Appy 'Arry again.

Dreams do come true for Dreamboat

While we survey the wreckage of our season and wonder what might have been, at least Dreamboat's departure wasn't in vain - he was in the PSG side that picked up the Ligue 1 title on Wednesday, despite losing their unbeaten home record to Rennes. The Champions League and a title defence beckon for him, as we contemplate the prospect of finishing below Stoke...

Target man

Oh, just look at that: the Lone Ranger is once again a wanted man. By the police, that is. One suspects he may not be wanted by current employers Swindon for much longer...

The flying Dutchman?

I'm not sure what's most surprising in this article: the fact that Tim Krul has lost his place in the Dutch national squad or the claim that, were he to leave in the summer in a bid to regain it, one of the prime candidates to replace him would be Fraser Forster.

Let's take that first point. While Krul has suffered slightly with form and fitness issues since the turn of the year, just as the whole team have, he remains an excellent goalkeeper and is surely worthy of consideration for his country ahead of the likes of Swansea's Michel Vorm. That extraordinary match-winning display at Spurs back in November should have secured him a slot for life...

As for the second, we would look rather silly to have let Forster go only to then buy him back (no doubt at an inflated cost). For his part, Forster was desperate to leave St James' Park and get the first-team football he craved, apparently aggrieved that his path to our first team was blocked by Krul. As the Dutchman's replacement, he wouldn't have to worry about that any more, but nevertheless, having left slightly under a cloud, you do wonder whether he would really "welcome a return to Newcastle", as the Journal insist. Perhaps the widely anticipated ousting of the Silver Fox, the man who denied him the opportunity to stake a claim for the position, would be the key to any deal.

Charnley steps up as Jabba cashes out

So the new man filling the managing director shoes vacated last June by Derek Llambias isn't new at all - it's former club secretary Lee Charnley. He marked his appointment with the release of a lengthy mission statement that largely reiterated what was communicated in the most recent Fans' Forum. The Ronny Gill's Neil Cameron has analysed it closely and written a sharp critique, so I won't dwell on it for too long except to flag up one particularly staggering admission: "We don’t look at transfer windows in isolation, but rather as a full trading year, and our intention for the first team is to sign one or two players per year to strengthen the squad."

It's a marker of the club hierarchy's delusions if they genuinely believe that one or two signings a year would be sufficient to ensure progress. As underlined by our last three matches, the brutal truth is that the squad needs a significant overhaul in the summer - perhaps four or five players in several different areas, and that's before we even start talking about the possible sales of the likes of Tim Krul and Mathieu Debuchy. A couple of additions would be likely to see us neither advance nor stand still but regress in relation to all those around us. It's a policy that's very hard to square with the claim that "our primary focus will remain the Premier League", given that it would be a recipe for relegation to the Championship...

Charnley's statement pours more than a bucket of cold water on any hopes we might have had that the £200m Jabba has just pocketed from the unexpected sale of Sports Direct shares might be put towards bankrolling a serious summer spending spree. Fat Fred (remember him?) has crawled out from under his rock to claim that he would "not be surprised" if Jabba was actually gearing up to cash out of the club too - and to hint at a desire to resume control should Jabba choose to sell up. You know things are grim if that prospect looks like salvation of sorts. Better the devil you used to know than the devil you've had to put up with for the last seven years?

Quote of the day

"Fans can forgive a defeat, but they cannot forgive a team that simply does not try and this one is on its holidays. ... With no chance of going down or qualifying for Europe, they have simply given up. How can you do that when 52,000 come along to cheer you on?"

Forgive me for quoting from the Sun, but Wor Al hits the nail squarely on the head in his latest column.

Yellow fever

While some of the decisions taken at Newcastle are unfathomably stupid, I don't think even we have done anything quite as "bonkers" (to use Gary Lineker's term of choice on Twitter) as sacking our manager with five games of the season remaining and the team deep in relegation trouble. Hats off, then, to Norwich for dispensing with the services of our old boy Chris Hughton, who might have thought being hit on the head by a canary yellow clapper would be the final ignominy he'd suffer last weekend.

Hughton was sacked from his position on Tyneside in slightly different circumstances, though the decision seemed equally harsh at the time. At Carrow Road, as at St James' Park, he's conducted himself with dignity, avoiding the moaning, mind games and histrionics of other Premier League managers (our own included).

Norwich's home record has been decent of late - prior to Saturday's loss to West Brom, they were unbeaten in six matches, keeping clean sheets in five of those fixtures (against Man City, Spurs, Hull, the Mackems and ourselves). But on their travels they've been wretched, and last avoided defeat at Crystal Palace on New Year's Day.

Clearly all wasn't well, then, but while Hughton can't be absolved of all blame, the players need to have a long, hard look at themselves - especially those brought in for big money in the summer. The club's all-new strikeforce has been a spectacular failure, Ricky van Wolfswinkel in particular, while Toon loanee Spidermag has contributed next to nothing.

Hughton leaves his post with the commiserations of many, including his former 'keeper at St James' Park Steve Harper. Given that Norwich's remaining five fixtures are against arch relegation rivals Fulham and then Liverpool, Man Utd, Chelsea and Arsenal, and that they'll be guided by youth coach Neil Adams, a man with no managerial experience, the Canaries must now be favourites for the drop alongside Cardiff and the Mackems.

James knocks Man City off their Perch again

Congratulations to Perchinho, scorer of what proved to be the winning goal as FA Cup holders Wigan beat Man City yesterday - a result no less improbable for the fact that City were also the fall guys when the Latics lifted the trophy back in May. The defender who became a cult hero on Tyneside isn't exactly noted for his goalscoring exploits, having found the back of the net just once for us (albeit against Man Utd at Old Trafford), but showed a striker's instincts and determination in stealing in front of Gael Clichy to prod home James McArthur's skimming cross.

Elsewhere, a pair of comical errors from Lee Clattermole helped ensure there would be no more cheesy chips eaten on Wembley Way this season. Hull ambled to a third win of the campaign over the Mackems, to the evident delight of their ex-manager (and alleged Geordie) Ol' Cauliflower Face, during which their old boy David Meyler scored and celebrated by headbutting a corner flag in a light-hearted nod to his tete-a-tete with the Silver Fox last weekend. Steve Harper, sat on the Tigers' bench, is likely to have savoured the victory rather more than most.

Score draw

Thanks to Neil for pointing us in the direction of a series of caricatures called Badly Drawn Footballers, for which Sean Ryan sketched every player in Merlin's 1994 Premier League sticker album. The Guardian's gallery includes pictures of our very own Rob Lee and Peter Beardsley. The latter's face looked badly drawn at the best of times, and Ryan has done it justice - as indeed he has all of the other featured players.

The boy Den Good

Congratulations to Curtis Good, who can now boast as many full international caps as he can first-team appearances for Newcastle. The 20-year-old defender, currently on loan at Dundee Utd, made his debut for Australia on Wednesday night in a friendly fixture against Ecuador, putting in a performance that the Guardian's reporter rated as "solid" and lasting 66 minutes before succumbing to a hip injury.

While England toiled to an uninspiring 1-0 win over Denmark at Wembley, the game across London at the New Den served up splendid entertainment. Good's side led 3-0 at the break, but by the time our man was withdrawn, Ecuador had pulled two goals back, the second a spot kick after Aussie 'keeper Mitch Langerak was sent off. The South American side went on to equalise and then, three minutes into stoppage time, to grab a dramatic winner after Good's replacement Alex Wilkinson was guilty of giving the ball away.

The knock and the final result didn't seem to take much gloss off the evening for Good, who gushed: "You dream about it your whole life - it's the absolute highlight of my career. I felt so confident out there." It will serve as vital big-game experience - not least because his previous taste of such an occasion ended in acute disappointment, when he was hauled off at half-time as Bradford lost 5-0 to Swansea in last season's League Cup final. Hopes are high that Good might one day be ready to step into the first team - but let's not forget the sad case of another promising young foreign defender, Tamas Kadar, who failed to live up to his considerable potential and is now back in his native Hungary.

While Good was turning out for the Socceroos, Mathieu Debuchy was busy playing all but the final three minutes of France's 2-0 victory over the Netherlands. Loic Remy and Moussa Sissoko both also appeared, though only from the bench.

Elsewhere, Papiss Cisse and Mr T were on international duty for Senegal and Ivory Coast respectively - the latter mustering an impressive 2-2 draw in Brussels against a Belgian side many people (myself included) fancy to be a real force over the next few years, though the game was most notable for a staggering miss by Villa's Christian Benteke.

Finally, Fergie got a welcome reminder of what it's like to lace up his boots, enjoying a spell as a substitute as Northern Ireland laboured to a stalemate in Cyprus. Much as I like Lee Clark and want him to do well, it's baffling as to why he's excluding our winger from his Birmingham squad. Leaving him twiddling his thumbs on the sidelines is doing no one any favours.

Quote of the day

"What I try to teach the players is to be responsible for your actions – don’t try to blame anyone else. And so I’m going to go somewhere else to try to be a great coach."

No, not the Silver Fox, but recently departed reserve team manager Willie Donachie, who resigned last month after a post-match confrontation with Remie Streete got out of hand. As some on Twitter have pointed out, it's hard to see why Donachie was suspended when the Silver Fox was only fined and given a formal warning for his own dust-up at Hull on Saturday. One difference is that Donachie's disagreement was with one of our own players, whereas the Silver Fox's aggression was directed towards someone in the opposition ranks, and an ex-Mackem to boot. That hardly makes it any less serious, and indeed the fact that the Silver Fox's moment of madness was beamed into pubs and living rooms around the world on Match Of The Day arguably makes it more so.

As for Donachie, he was effusive about the welcome and support he'd had on Tyneside, and commented: "They’re really the club – the fans." A subtle dig at Jabba and his fellow suits on the board?

Question time

So, other than the club's reflections on the latest set of accounts, what else was there of note to come out of the most recent Fans Forum?

1. JFK wasn't solely responsible for the programme notes attributed to him - in reality he "was involved in the drafting of the notes but that the overall messaging was determined collaboratively and could be read as communication from the board". Just as we all suspected, in truth - there's no way that, left to his own devices, he could be trusted to produce something scrupulously profanity-free...

2. A request for more information on JFK's departure met with a terse "no further comment to make", while it was confirmed that filling the director of football role he vacated "would be reviewed in the summer" (with the option of scrapping it altogether presumably also on the table).

3. There was an equally terse response to a fans' representative who, quite reasonably, said "he would like to see the Club attempting to improve the tone of coverage afforded by NCJ Media by ending the current ban": "The Club referred to its comments in the previous Fans Forum meeting and had nothing further to add." Nice to know they're open to dialogue, isn't it?

4. When the issue of revenue raised through Sports Direct advertising in St James' Park was mentioned, it was explained that while this doesn't reduce the debt the club owes to Jabba, it does grease his palms sufficiently to allow him to keep the loan interest-free.

5. The club's apparent lack of ambition was, understandably, a hot topic. It was claimed that "the aim for the Club is always to finish as high up the league table as possible, with top ten a minimum requirement this season". All fine and well, but how does that square with making just two signings in the last two transfer windows, both loans, and selling our best player without securing a replacement? The actions of a club setting itself up to fail - and to hang the manager out to dry.

6. As regards Dreamboat, there was plenty of flannel: "In respect of the transfer, the board explained that the Club did not want to sell the player. However, the player was adamant he wanted to leave. The Club made a substantial bid for a replacement but an agreement could not be reached with the prospective selling club. The Club also pursued other options but particular clubs were unwilling to sell. The board explained that the January window is disruptive for clubs and that there are far more options available to it in the summer window." No mention of the fact that the informal agreement struck with Dreamboat in August meant we'd known of the likelihood of his departure months before it happened and so had no excuse for not having a plan in place. At least there was a hint of regret, if not an outright apology - "The board suggested that if it was to be self-critical, it should have had a young player who could naturally step into the squad as it aims to in all positions" - though of course that compounds the failings of our transfer dealings by flagging up the failings of our academy.

7. While it was explained that the Away Fans Fund was "designed to be spent on the clubs' own fans who travel and the designated away end in their stadium", the club wasn't very forthcoming with details on how the £200,000 we received had actually been spent.

8. Following a suggestion in a previous Fans Forum, Gael Bigirimana has been appointed as our Equality Ambassador, a role which involves working closely with the Newcastle United Foundation and Kick It Out. At least it'll give him something to do, given he currently appears to be nowhere near the first team...

9. The Silver Fox formally pledged the club's support for the Football v Homophobia campaign before the home game with Spurs. A very welcome move - only the previous week I had expressed dissatisfaction and bafflement at our silence on the issue.

Clark loses friends but influences people

Friday brought interesting news from Birmingham, Lee Clark's Championship strugglers having parted company with fellow former Toon employees Terry McDermott and Derek Fazackerley. The circumstances surrounding the pair's departure remain unclear, Clark insisting they hadn't been sacked but claiming to be unable to add any further information "for legal reasons". The Blues are currently such a basket-case of a club that one wonders if they've been released as part of a cost-cutting drive.

Clark can still count on the assistance of another ex-Newcastle man, his former team-mate Steve Watson, in the role of first-team coach, but no longer appears to have any time for the player he currently has on loan from St James' Park. Fergie was once again missing from the squad on Saturday, but given that Clark inspired them to a 2-1 victory at freefalling Blackpool, it seems unlikely he'll be back in favour soon. A real shame, especially in view of the positive loan experiences of players like James Tavernier and Conor Newton, both of whom have been able to enhance their claims for involvement with the first team on their return to Tyneside.

Quote of the day

"This is a great loss for us so obviously I was sad but I am happy for him because PSG is a great club. I had the opportunity to talk a little with Yohan Cabaye and it is clear he is really happy there."

Mathieu Debuchy, talking to the French media, sounds as though (as expected) he's pining for his chum and perhaps even angling for a move to Paris himself. Bayern Munich are also reportedly interested, but he'll have to rediscover his pre-Christmas form for us before he can even dream of following in Dreamboat's footsteps.

Talking of our departed midfielder, he scored his first goal for his new club against Bayer Leverkusen on Tuesday night. Given that, according to Laurent Blanc, the prospect of Champions League football was his primary reason for swapping Newcastle for PSG, he probably won't be too chuffed to have only featured from the bench...

In the clear

Good news for Loic Remy - not only will our top scorer be available to try and help end our alarming goal drought for the visit of Villa next weekend, he's had the rape charge against him dropped. Without the threat of a jail sentence hanging over him, he has no excuse not to knuckle down and stop our season petering out into nothingness - not that that responsibility rests solely on his shoulders, of course.

While Remy is in the clear, one of his predecessors in the Toon front line has had his collar felt by the long arm of the law for the umpteenth time. On this occasion the Lone Ranger did nothing more than come up to Newcastle for a night out - the problem being that his bail conditions barred him from doing so. Having only recently won himself a reprieve at Swindon, it will be little surprise if the Robins finally decide enough is enough and ditch him.

Crisis - what crisis?

I debated whether or not to bother dignifying this article with a response, but... a hearty round of applause to the Torygraph for giving Little Saint Mick a platform from which to air his jaundiced, ill-informed views on our club and fans.

Where to start? How's about with the observation that we're "eighth in the league". That much is true - as I think is the suggestion that, with the existing squad, the club is "punching at their correct weight". Lower mid-table is where I'd expect us to be - the previous two seasons having been pretty freakish aberrations.

However, he also claims we're "far more likely to qualify for Europe than get involved in a relegation scrap" - again arguably true, but this overlooks the fundamental mistrust with which the Europa League is eyed by the club hierarchy. Our ambitions should of course be realistic and proportional, and European qualification is still achievable - so why not go for it? If the current squad isn't strong enough to compete in the additional fixtures that accompany qualification, then there's a simple solution: bolster the squad in the summer. But the appetite to do so simply doesn't seem to exist.

Owen also has a point in characterising our transfer policy as one of signing players cheaply and selling them on for a significant profit. Dreamboat would of course be a great example. I think most of us would agree, perhaps grudgingly, that if Jabba isn't prepared to put his hand into his pocket and fund the club in the manner of an Arab oligarch, then this is a sensible course of action. What he omits to mention, of course, is the crucial second stage of the model, the one that makes it sustainable: that departees need to be adequately replaced. Again, Dreamboat is a prime example of where we're failing.

Then there are the comments on JFK: "It appears that he was not a successful appointment as director of football". The understatement is laughable. Owen claims that this is a simple mistake now rectified, not something we should be up in arms about - but then when it comes to drawing huge wages from a club to which we contribute financially in return for fuck all, he should know. The aside that "there was a feeling the game had moved on too much for him to be given such a role" hints that he's aware of the flimsiness and ridiculousness of his own argument.

Much of the rest of the article is a lazy reheating of the usual tedious trash about fickle fans with unrealistic expectations and the goldfish bowl of life on Tyneside ("the scrutiny is unyielding"). He harps on and on about us being a "crisis club" once again - seemingly unaware that that's a term bandied about by the media rather than the supporters. A club in crisis sells newspapers. The media uses poor results on the pitch as an angle, when in reality the grumblings of discontent have been constant for some time now. Few of us would say we're in the midst of a "crisis" - we would, however, justifiably observe that our current league position obscures a multitude of problems, including a complete disconnect with an owner who appears to give no regard whatsoever to the people who have made and continue to make the club what it is today.

Danny in the dock

Poor old Danny Simpson: dumped by Tulisa and now accused of apparently confusing himself with a Danny Dyer character. Our former right-back has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting a man with an iron bar following the theft of his mobile phone. Readers will recall it's not the first time he's got himself into trouble in his native Manchester, either...

Best-laid plans

"I love it when a plan comes together". I bet Hannibal's glad he was part of the A-Team rather than the Newcastle Utd team, then, because at St James' Park few plans ever come together.

Take, for instance, the recent plan which seems to have been to flog Dreamboat to PSG and then recruit Clement Grenier as a younger, cheaper replacement. Admittedly, Stage 1 was accomplished successfully, but Stage 2 has proven much trickier to execute. Damn Lyon for lobbing a spanner into the works and rejecting our bid - the mean spoilsports.

Stilll, all is not lost - we can just take our cue from PSG's dogged pursuit of Dreamboat and trust they'll be more receptive to an increased offer, can't we? Unfortunately, no. Even if Jean-Michel Aulas can be offered sufficient compensation to part with the French international, there's an additional stumbling block. Unlike Dreamboat, the player himself isn't eager for the deal to happen, and for a number of reasons helpfully detailed by his agent Frederic Guerra.

First, Grenier doesn't want to leave the club midway through a season, at the very end of the transfer window and in a World Cup year ("not safe at all"). Second, he's been given assurances of game time from coach Remi Garde, assurances to which we presumably couldn't commit. Third, he's undervalued at half Dreamboat's price (that perhaps might just be Guerra talking here, mind). And finally, but most significantly, he doesn't want to be tagged as Dreamboat's replacement, and that's exactly what he would be.

In light of all that, any attempts to continue negotiations with Lyon seem futile. A shame, really, as this useful scouting report and this "super amazing" free-kick give the impression he's a very promising talent.

Time for Plan B, then. I'm sure there's a Plan B. Is there a Plan B? JFK, are you there?

Quote of the day

"If Newcastle played in the Champions League, I can tell you that Cabaye wouldn't be here."

An interesting comment from PSG manager Laurent Blanc on his club's newest acquisition - not least because Dreamboat turned his back on Champions League football with Lille to join us in the first place. That this was the sole factor in his decision to move to Paris is therefore very doubtful.

Perhaps he crossed the Channel in the first place on the promise that we too would soon be competing in what's branded the world's premier club competition - if so, the move was missold to him. Admittedly we came close to qualifying in Dreamboat's first season on Tyneside, but that was due to an unlikely combination of factors working in our favour - mainly players fit and in top form while some of the usual suspects underperformed.

Ossie OK

It's good to hear that Ossie Ardiles is out of hospital following his car crash in the Falklands, with nothing more than stitches for a head wound. Of course, he already knows a bit about being involved in car crashes from his time as manager on Tyneside, having dismantled Jim Smith's side, drafted in a host of kids and guided us to the bottom of the second tier. Still, he remained a likeable character to whom we bore no ill will (unlike, say, Fat Sam) and we wish him well for his recovery.