Please, make it stop

Newcastle Utd 1 - 2 Swansea City

Well, at least we scored this time.

Following four successive defeats, the fixture list could arguably not have been kinder in presenting us with a home game against Swansea, a side who are probably just about safe but are in their own poor run of form and busy scrapping among themselves. Of course, the opposite proved to be true - the Welsh side couldn't believe their good fortune at facing a black-and-white-shirted sitting duck, and striker Wilfried Bony duly gave us both barrels.

The Silver Fox, serving the last game of his touchline ban, reacted to last weekend's loss at Stoke - and a fourth consecutive blank - by jettisoning Saylor and the experiment with a 3-5-2 formation, and instead naming an undeniably attacking line-up featuring Luuk de Jong as well as Papiss Cisse, Big Lad and Goofy. Sadly, that ploy would only have worked if there had been a creative spark in midfield and if all those forwards understood the system in which they were supposedly playing.

In truth, Cisse only lasted 21 minutes, dominated by the visitors, before being forced off with a leg injury. De Jong too succumbed to a knock before the break, leaving the Silver Fox's alleged masterplan in tatters and French duo Mathieu Debuchy and Loic Remy pushed back into action far sooner than desirable. Cisse and de Jong weren't the only notable first-half injuries, either, with referee Chris Foy suffering the effects of an early thumped ball to the head and replaced by Anthony Taylor. If we were looking for omens, none of this was good - not even Foy's departure, given that in the previous three Newcastle games he had officiated this season we hadn't conceded a goal.

However, de Jong did at least muster one significant contribution before leaving the action, helping Big Lad to register his first league goal in nearly 1400 minutes - one which took him above Sir Les in the ranks of our top Premier League scorers. Incredible, isn't it? Perhaps he's belatedly cottoned on to the fact that his contract will be up shortly...

Big Lad's strike was against the run of play, though, and thanks at least partly to the Silver Fox's choice of formation the Swans had a firm grip of midfield, despite the best efforts of Mr T. It was no great surprise that they were level by half-time, following some awful defending from a corner and a clinical header from Bony.

The home crowd - staggeringly, another 51,000+ - had every right to expect much, much better in the second period, and they did get an improvement of sorts. Dan Gosling and Vurnon Anita, the latter restored to midfield after Debuchy's introduction, both tested Michel Vorm in the Swansea goal, though his compatriot Tim Krul had to pull off a better stop to foil Bony in a one-on-one.

The Silver Fox's final throw of the dice was to bring on Adam Armstrong for Gosling, but it was another player who entered the fray in the 81st minute who made the crucial impact. Ex-Smoggie Marvin Emnes was rashly chopped down in the area by Mr T in stoppage time, Taylor awarding a yellow card and a penalty that Bony converted.

In his post-match interview a forlorn Silver Fox spouted all sorts of bollocks, including essentially thanking the fans for not booing him. Of the players, he commented: "Their effort was there for all to see. We keep making errors and we are getting punished. You can’t afford to do that with the run we are on. We’ve got to grin and bear it." Wrong. With five consecutive Premier League defeats (a new club record) likely to become six with a trip to the Emirates, and that minimum requirement of a top ten finish now under threat, there's no grinning to be done. Not even a smirk at the Mackems, who seem to be mounting an utterly implausible Connor Wickham-inspired escape from relegation and who, after all, have scored as many goals at St James' Park in 2014 as we have...

Other reports: BBC, Observer

Up for a scrap

It's usually us tearing ourselves apart, so it comes as some relief to note that the club whose internal infighting is splashed across today's back pages is Swansea, the next visitors to St James' Park. Given that our final two away games are at Arsenal and Liverpool, Saturday's match against a side who are struggling but will probably be safe represents almost our last opportunity to build on our points tally and ensure the top-half finish that was established as a minimum requirement this season. These latest revelations give further cause for encouragement - and currently we need all the help we can get.

Swan dive

Swansea 3 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Well, the run had to come to an end at some point. It's just that most of us were expecting that to be at Old Trafford on Saturday, rather than at the Liberty Stadium in midweek, where our hosts Swansea had won just one Premier League game in eleven attempts.

That stat, and the form we were in, meant we went into the game in confident mood, given added encouragement by the absence through injury of Swans front men Michu and Wilfried Bony. That said, we had forward issues of our own, with neither Papiss Cisse nor HBA fit enough to resume their positions on the bench. The starting line-up, though, was unsurprisingly unchanged.

I recently reported on the claim that we've changed our style of play, and I'd maintain that we have, generally speaking - but it wasn't really evident last night. Swansea started off as prettiness personified, all neat and crisp short passing. By contrast, we were starved of possession and aimed to be swift and direct when we did win the ball. In truth, the Silver Fox was right in taking that approach - we were never going to out-football our opponents, and reverting to the more robust style of yore caused their defence plenty of problems.

Not that we were on top in the first half. While Swansea's 4-5-1 formation meant that Sideshow Bob and Mike Williamson were relatively underemployed, it was also the reason why their trio of attacking midfielders Alejandro Pozuelo, Jonjo Shelvey and Pablo Hernandez kept finding pockets of space deep in our half. Mr T struggled manfully to contain them, largely left to it by Dreamboat, who contributed disappointingly little either creatively or defensively.

For all the easy-on-the-eye tiki-taka, though, Swansea failed to create any clear-cut opportunities for the first 45 minutes, whereas we could easily have taken the lead through Loic Remy. His header from Mathieu Debuchy's cross was goal-bound but somehow pawed away by Michel Vorm. Remy looked sharp and went close again soon afterwards, turning smartly on the edge of the area but pulling his shot wide.

Our chances of victory should have taken a further boost when the Swans' lone striker Alvaro Vasquez went off with a groin problem, as it left our hosts without a recognised striker. Michael Laudrup opted to introduce Nathan Dyer rather than former Toon man Wayne Routledge, but there was a depressing predictability about the fact that Dyer then gave the home side the lead in first-half stoppage time. Pozuelo's cross was teasing, but Tim Krul should have done much better than to flap it down for the unmarked Dyer to volley in.

Shelvey, a key influence in the first period with his expansive distribution, went close early in the second half, but we were now the better side and the game arguably turned on an incident in the Swansea area. Neat footwork from Remy created the opportunity for an effort that was blocked by Ben Davies' arm. Yes, it was ball to arm rather than vice versa - but surely that's irrelevant when the shot was destined for the back of the net.

Referee Howard Webb was once again unmoved when Goofy claimed to have been shoved in the back in the box (not such a blatant penalty this time) - and it cost us dearly when Swansea immediately broke upfield. Krul foiled Shelvey as he was bearing down on goal but Debuchy, who had bust a gut to get back and try to challenge the midfielder, was horribly unfortunate to see the ball rebound off him and into the net.

That was the cue for our players to wave the metaphorical white flag, the Silver Fox joining in by replacing the moderately effective Big Lad with Obertan Kenobi. Our only hope of getting back into the match had been to continue the direct assault that had nearly worked on several previous occasions - and yet here we were idiotically hauling off the most integral member of that system and throwing on a featherweight winger. Needless to say, the substitute proceeded to play atrociously.

Webb then compounded his previous error over the handball by failing to dismiss Shelvey for a headbutt of sorts on Debuchy (contact was minimal, but there was definite movement of the head) - and, of course, it was then Shelvey who curled in the third from distance, Krul once again at fault.

While Swansea probably deserved the win, 3-0 certainly flattered them, and despite their 66% possession compared to our 34%, we can feel justifiably aggrieved at having not taken anything from a game that was ripe to be won.

No time to dwell on the defeat, though - next stop, Old Trafford. Having lost at home to Everton, you'd suspect Man Utd will be even more pumped up for our visit than usual. Suddenly November seems a bit of a distant memory...

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2013/4: Part 2

And so to the second part of my assessment of our Premier League opponents (first part here), kicking off with the reigning champions...

Man Utd

He's gone - at last. While Taggart will no doubt find a use for his famous watch-tapping gesture when impatiently waiting at bus stops, free pass in hand, his successor has the unenviable task of carrying on where he left off. In some ways David Moyes made for a bold choice - someone unused to wielding a huge budget or, indeed, winning anything - but it was heartening to see an astute, hard-working manager who has paid his dues and whose side has consistently overachieved get the gig ahead of any of the more celebrated continental alternatives. It's not an appointment Chelsea would ever have made, frankly.

As if Moyes' task wasn't hard enough already, two factors have plagued him this summer. Firstly, there are the ongoing reports of Shrek being unsettled - not helped by the pair's falling out while at Everton or the Scot's public pronouncement that Robin van Persie is his automatic first choice. Secondly, there has been no flagship signing that would be a significant show of faith from the board. Moyes has rightly identified central midfield as an area of relative weakness, despite the availability of England regulars Michael Carrick and Tom Cleverley, but his dogged pursuit of first-choice target Cesc Fabregas looks to have been futile. Wilfried Zaha, signed from Crystal Palace in January but only now linking up with his parent club, looks an exciting prospect, but it's debatable whether he's the sort of player needed when Antonio Valencia, Ashley Young, Danny Welbeck and Nani are all still on the books. Third place looks a distinct possibility.

Norwich

Taking into account the stature of Premier League clubs relative to the calibre of players they've recruited, Norwich have arguably had the best summer of any club in the division. In particular, an all-new front line has been procured - skillful Dutchman Ricky van Wolfswinkel and free-scoring Celtic man Gary Hooper, at a combined cost of £13.5m, replacing outgoing Canaries legend Grant Holt, with Chris Martin and Simeon Jackson also departing. The midfield has been bolstered too, with the addition of Leroy Fer, a player nicknamed the Bouncer whom we were sniffing around three years ago.

Anyone fearing that the Canaries had abandoned their policy of cherry-picking the crop of Championship stars needn't have worried, though, with Nathan Redmond and Martin Olsson snapped up from Birmingham and Blackburn respectively. Chris Hughton's job now is to integrate the new players successfully into a team that has survived two seasons in the top flight on account of its hardworking, egalitarian ethic - no easy task. Van Wolfswinkel sounds like a character from a Brothers Grimm fairytale - time will tell if Norwich's season is a fairytale or just plain grim.

Southampton

At the time, the sacking of Nigel Adkins in January seemed to sum up everything that's wrong with the modern game. Here was an honest, decent manager given the boot by a short-sighted, over-ambitious chairman, despite having led the club to two successive promotions. Now, seven months on, you perhaps grudgingly have to admit that Nicola Cortese was right - the Saints looked better under the stewardship of Mauricio Pochettino and survived with relative ease.

Southampton could have a tough second season in store, but the Argentine has struck a couple of eyecatching deals over the summer, bringing in midfield enforcer Victor Wanyama and Croatian defender Dejen Lovren, and already has the likes of Gaston Ramirez and highly-rated youngster Luke Shaw to work with. The Saints can also boast a striker who has just scored a Wembley winner against Scotland with his very first touch in international football - a perfect pick-me-up just as the season is about to get underway.

Spurs

And so to the third major, protracted and thus far uneventful transfer saga of the summer, after Luis Suarez and Shrek. There would have been no prizes for guessing which Spurs player it would involve - scintillating form and spectacular goals (including no fewer than nine winners) meant that Gareth Bale very nearly secured the final Champions League spot for his side single-handedly. If Spurs are able to fend off Real Madrid's advances (and turn a blind eye to the offer of a world-record fee), then fourth is within their grasp courtesy of a trio of excellent acquisitions.

It was baffling that there seemed to be no competition for the signature of Paulinho, a fixture in the Brazilian midfield and substantially cheaper than Man City's Fernandinho, while Spanish striker Roberto Soldado (rumoured to have cost a hefty £26m) and Belgian winger Nacer Chadli also arrived. Clint Dempsey's decision to return to his native USA (and pick up a huge salary) after one solitary season at White Hart Lane surprised few people - likewise Tom Huddlestone's departure for new boys Hull, squeezed out by the likes of Paulinho and Sandro. However, the one major blot on their copybook was the sale of England international central defender Steven Caulker to Cardiff - utterly inexplicable, in light of William Gallas' release. Will it come back to bite them firmly on the derriere, just like the continued failure to identify Benoit Assou-Ekotto as a weak link in need of replacement?

Stoke

Ever since reaching the Premier League in 2008, Stoke have been much maligned (occasionally unfairly) for their style of play - but only last season did it become genuinely prosaic. Mark Hughes is as good a fit as any for Tony Pulis' replacement, but you do wonder whether this might turn out to be a case comparable to that of Alan Curbishley and Charlton in 2006 - the Potters board and fans felt they were stagnating and were happy for the manager to walk away, but it may be that what has seemed like a plateau is in fact a peak and that the only way is downhill.

Hughes has drafted in some intriguing buys, admittedly - Marc Muniesa from Barcelona (clearly in for quite a culture shock), one-time Newcastle target Erik Pieters and raw young American forward Juan Agudelo - but his side will be overly reliant on the ageing strike partnership of Peter Crouch and Jonathan Walters for goals. If they get off to a sticky start, then the three promoted clubs will find themselves with competition for the three relegation positions.

Sunderland

As Newcastle fans, it's tempting to caricature the Mackems' transfer policy as, in essence, throw enough shit at the wall and hope that some of it sticks. However, let's be honest and admit that, in light of our own club's extraordinary inactivity, we're just a teeny bit envious of the Dark Place's crowded arrivals lounge. As with Villa, it appears that a list of targets was compiled from scouting reports and that the board then set about swiftly and determinedly getting their men. Emanuele Giaccherini and Cabral in particular look like very useful additions to the side.

Aside from the numerous purchases, Paulo Di Canio's resolve to stamp his authority on the squad has also been demonstrated by the systematic dismantling of his predecessor's legacy. Martin O'Neill's two January signings, Danny Graham and Alfred N'Diaye, have both been deemed surplus to requirements and shipped out on loan, while James McClean, who initially flourished under the Northern Irishman's guidance, has been flogged off to Wigan. Here's hoping that none of the new signings acclimatise to the rigours of the Premier League, and that Di Canio has a complete meltdown at an inopportune moment - preferably in the aftermath of us exacting sweet revenge for that 3-0 defeat last season...

Swansea

The easiest-on-the-eye side in the top flight, guided to the first major trophy in their 100-year history and a place in Europe by someone who, as a player, won league titles with Ajax, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Juventus and has been named as his country's greatest ever. Yes, Swansea fans could be forgiven for pinching themselves. Not that the Swans' summer got off to a great start, though. Tensions between Michael Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins led to the club severing all ties with the Dane's agent, with the manager implying he might walk out, but somehow it never came to that.

Whether you regard Laudrup's agitating for significant expenditure on new recruits as thoroughly justified in view of his achievements last season and of their forthcoming European campaign (after all, we serve as a useful cautionary tale) or simply as a childish and petulant tantrum, he certainly got his way. A club record £12m was lavished on Mr T's Ivory Coast colleague Wilfried Bony, who will spearhead the attack. This will mean undisputed bargain of the last season Michu will play a little deeper, and while the Spaniard excelled at bursting into the box late to snap up crosses, you do wonder whether Bony's arrival might be to his detriment. Getting Jonathan de Guzman back on loan was a no-brainer, while La Liga was tapped for a further three new additions and no first-teamers have been spirited away. Penny for Scott Sinclair's thoughts...

West Brom

Of all the non-moves this summer, perhaps Peter Odemwingie's has been the most noteworthy. Who knows - he may have been busy frequenting the car parks of rival clubs in the hope of being offered a contract, but at the present moment he remains, most improbably, a West Brom employee. Steve Clarke's biggest headache, though, is how to fill the boots of Romelu Lukaku. The fact that he's signed two strikers - Nicolas Anelka, who has vowed to make the Baggies his sixth and final Premier League club, and Matej Vydra, last season's Championship Player of the Year while on loan at Watford - who are each in a very different mould suggests that he's not even going to try.

Uncompromising veteran centre-back Diego Lugano, Luis Suarez's captain at international level, will shore up a defence in which Jonas Olsson and Gareth McAuley looked increasingly fallible last year - a key reason why, despite Lukaku's heroics up front, West Brom slumped after a very promising start. If the same happens this year, and the Belgian does indeed prove irreplaceable, then at least Anelka, nicknamed the Incredible Sulk, will have Odemwhingy for company.

West Ham

If one thing's clear from West Ham's summer spending, it's that Fat Sam hasn't had some kind of Damascene conversion and embraced tiki-taka. After some suggestion that he'd be amenable to a return to his hometown club, Rocky signed for the Hammers, followed shortly afterwards by Stewart Downing, another player who had been linked with a move to St James' Park and the man to supply the ammunition. There's no doubt who were the prime beneficiaries of Brendan Rodgers' surplus-to-requirements firesale.

Even with Rocky, they look somewhat short up front, one-time Toon target Modibo Maiga having failed to live up to expectations. In midfield, Mohamed Diame can be an all-action powerhouse, but surely our former captain Kevin Nolan's ageing legs will prevent him from being so deadly in the box this time around? Meanwhile, the arrival of Romanian captain Razvan Rat from Shakhtar Donetsk will have the tabloid hacks rubbing their hands with glee - even if the prospect of watching hoofball at a freezing Upton Park in January doesn't.

Quote of the day

"We don't want to have the same experience as Newcastle for example. He told the board and the chairman that [Swansea] need a very good squad this year."

Bayram Tutumulu on his client Michael Laudrup, set to remain as manager of the Europa League-bound Swans. Good to know that we've become a cautionary tale, isn't it?

Diolch Dwight!

Dwight Tiendalli - a name to join the likes of David Kelly, Liam O'Brien, Craig Bellamy and others whose goals have, at one time or another, come to signify something more than just another goal in our cause.

The fact that Tiendalli's goal came for a Swansea side safely ensconced in mid-table against a Wigan side in form and scrapping for their Premier League survival made last night's Swans win all the more surprising and no less welcome for that fact.

So, Dwight, thank you!

Late Liberty lament

Swansea 1 - 0 Newcastle Utd

A scrappy goal by Swans substitute Luke Moore was enough to condemn us to defeat in South Wales on Saturday, as our progress towards mid-table safety hit a buffer.

With Sideshow Bob ruled out with the back injury picked up last week, MYM was handed his first Premier League start for the club in an otherwise unchanged line-up.

For our players, it was a case of “Here’s what you could have won” as the teams ran past Swansea’s latest addition to their trophy cabinet before the match, with Dreamboat taking on the mantle of captain (probably in a foretaste of next season if Sideshow Bob does depart over the summer).

Despite hoping to catch the home side resting on their trophy-laden laurels, it was Newcastle who seemed a little slow out of the traps, allowing the home team too much time and space for much of the first half – with Saylor at times seemingly a modern reincarnation of Horatius single-handedly holding back the attacking forces, and on one such occasion hacking the ball clear from the goal line.

At half-time, though, we regrouped and began to press Swansea’s play, forcing them into mistakes, and with our greater physicality we took control of the midfield and with it the game.

The force now with us, Papiss Cisse fired over when well placed, Dreamboat saw a fierce dipping shot smash off the bar and Moussa Sissoko saw Michel Vorm tip his long range drive wide. As the game wore on, it looked a case of when, rather than if, we would get a winner, as the home side desperately hung on.

Gallingly, though, the breakthrough came against the run of play, with MYM and Davide Santon both challenging for a header and the ball breaking loose in our box. Saylor flung himself in front of it but the ball fell to Luke Moore, who stabbed it goalwards, possibly off the boot of the challenging Dreamboat, and it bobbled its way past Rob Elliot to give Swansea a somewhat undeserved winner.

The Silver Fox flung on Big Lad and Sylvain Marveaux at the death, but to no avail, and results elsewhere saw us drop a couple of places down the table.

Attention now turns to Anzhi on Thursday night, when we’ll need to be at our battling best if we’re to continue to harbour hopes of further progress in the Europa League.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Sunk by Swans

Newcastle Utd 1 - 2 Swansea City

Wasted chances, sloppy play and a shortage of resources all contributed to a thoroughly dispiriting display at home to Swansea on Saturday at St James' Park.

Up front, deprived of Papiss Cisse thanks to a falling-out with the Senegalese FA, and unable to utilise Big Lad for the full 90 minutes after his late-starting international career, the Silver Fox handed a start to Little Big Lad as part of a front three with HBA and Demba Ba. In midfield, with Spidermag and Dreamboat absent, it was Vurnon Anita and Fergie who were alongside Mr T, while the defence was again deprived of the suspended Sideshow Bob and the team was this time captained by Saylor.

While we showed some initial signs of promise, the attacking threat fell largely to HBA and Ba, with the former hitting the side netting with a shot and the latter glancing a header wide from a fine HBA cross.

Frustratingly, while HBA in particular looked to carry a creative threat, without the ball we looked pedestrian and too often allowed Swansea to look menacing on the counter-attack.

Goalless at halftime, the Silver Fox introduced Big Lad for Fergie in a bid to give us a greater attacking threat and for a time that looked like it might, only for defensive lapses to undermine us. Firstly Krul hit a terrible clearance kick out to Pablo Hernandez whose cross found the onrushing and exasperatingly unmarked Michu to knock home a goal for the visitors.

While we continued to press for a way back into the match, it was another sucker punch which ultimately did for us, with Krul only able to parry Danny Graham's shot and Jonathan de Guzman free to slot home the rebound with Anita ball-watching when he should have been tracking the run.

Finally, with seconds remaining, HBA again got to the byline and fired the ball across for onrushing substitute Sylvain Marveaux to smash the ball against the bar from six yards - with Ba  on hand to nod home the rebound. However, by that stage it was a case of too little too late, and another three points lost.

What is evident is that, if not a club in crisis, we're certainly struggling to manage the additional fixtures which last season's successes have brought us, and feeling the force of both injuries and suspensions. It's at this point that the Silver Fox needs to find something, anything, to get some positivity back in our play and justify his eight-year contract.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2012/3: Part 2

Time for the second instalment of our look at the teams we'll be facing this coming season...

QPR

"There is no way we will be in this situation again in my time here". So said Mark Hughes in the wake of QPR's final-day escape from relegation, and their feverish transfer activity over the summer certainly bears out that determination. No doubt nettled by the fact that they had been promoted as champions and yet saw their Championship inferiors Norwich and Swansea both survive in comfort and no little style, the West Londoners have gone into recruitment overdrive. Astute acquisitions are everywhere. Mark Hughes returned to his old stomping ground Old Trafford to pick up the crumbs from Taggart's table (the ever-reliable and hard-working Ji-Sung Park and loanee Fabio) and was a key factor in persuading Blackburn's much sought-after out-of-contract Junior Hoilett to sign. Samba Diakite is a significant upgrade on Shaun Derry, while in Djibril Cisse, Bobby Zamora and Andrew Johnson they've assembled a trio of strikers who, though all the wrong side of thirty, certainly know how to find the net in the top flight.

This coming season Hughes has every right to expect much more from two of his flair players, Adel Taarabt and Shaun Wright-Phillips, but also has the managerial migraine that is ASBO to contend with, our old boy beginning the campaign banned, fined and stripped of the captaincy for his misdemeanours in that sensational game at the Etihad. If there's a worry for the club as a whole, it's hubris - they may be in danger of overreaching and overstretching themselves in pursuit of success. Just ask Portsmouth how that can pan out.

Reading

I'd imagine it feels pretty good to be a Reading fan right now. Having hit form at exactly the right time and surfed the wave to secure the Championship title, the Royals are now returning to the Premier League under new ownership, with the promise of significant investment that that entails, albeit in a stadium still bearing the former owner's name. The team's achievements have been accomplished under the calm, methodical stewardship of Brian McDermott, an excellent example of the value of old Liverpool strategy of promoting from within.

McDermott's greatest transfer coup has been to persuade Pavel Pogrebnyak that, despite a fruitful loan spell with Fulham, his future lies in Berkshire. His was the marquee signing that served as a statement of intent, but Reading have also been canny in recruiting less flashy reinforcements across the back line in the form of Chris Gunter, Adrian Mariappa and former Royal Nicky Shorey, while Danny Guthrie will add experience (if not class and dining etiquette) to the midfield. However, it's doubtful that some of their most impressive Championship performers will be as effective at the higher level. Jimmy Kebe, for instance, will find life much tougher faced with Premier League full-backs. Adam Le Fondre, meanwhile, is a throwback to the days of predatory fox-in-the-box poachers, when the modern Premier League striker needs to be a much more complete footballer.

Southampton

How things change. In autumn 2008 Portsmouth were taking on and nearly beating AC Milan in Europe, while south coast rivals Southampton ended the season in administration and relegated to League One. Fast forward three years and, while Pompey are in League One without a single senior player on their books and the threat of liquidation hanging over them, the Saints are back in the big time. If they can get beyond the Schadenfreude and start looking for inspiration, then Norwich are proof positive that survival after two consecutive promotions is possible. Star striker Rickie Lambert will no doubt have noted Grant Holt's success at bullying and breaching Premier League defences while the more celebrated likes of Rocky floundered.

Lambert's strike partner is likely to be former Burnley man Jay Rodriguez, for whom Southampton perhaps unwisely smashed their record transfer fee. Throw Billy Sharp, another Championship stalwart, into the mix and it's clear that the Saints are taking a considerable gamble on goalscorers unproven in the Premier League. They've done well to snap up highly-rated Palace youngster Nathaniel Clyne, and already boast the talented Adam Lallana and Team GB representative Jack Cork in midfield, but question marks hang over their strength in depth. It'll be interesting to see whether manager Nigel Adkins can keep up his Mr Nice Guy persona in the face of the stresses, strains and psychological mind games he'll endure in the top flight. It might not be long before he's missing his Football League Show banter with Mark "Clem" Clemmit - and there's a chance they might get to resume their pally encounters in a year's time.

Stoke

If you're looking for subtlety, finesse and grace and find yourself at the Britannia Stadium, then either you need to invest in a new satnav or you've arrived on false pretences - Jonathan Woodgate was let go earlier this summer. Even when Stoke scored a contender for goal of the season (as Peter Crouch's effort against Man City was, until Papiss Cisse took aim against Chelsea), it's notable that the ball never touched the ground from the 'keeper's kick to hitting the back of the net. Yes, the Potters have a system and they're sticking to it - unsurprisingly, given that it's proven brutally effective for four successive seasons now and enabled them to survive and flourish despite minimal financial outlay. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" seems to be the club's motto - though things do often break when they're around, namely noses...

Last summer Crouch replaced Kenwyne Jones as the large of Stoke's little-and-large strike partnership, and Tony Pulis is now looking to upgrade on the little, eager to land Little Saint Mick as an improvement on Jonathan Walters. The baseball-capped Welshman is nothing if not pragmatic, having responded to the hefty price tag Wolves hung around Matt Jarvis' neck by promptly signing fellow winger Michael Kightly instead. The good news for Stoke's opponents is that bogeyman Rory Delap is nearing the end of his career; the bad news is that his protege Ryan Shotton is developing his own version of the Irishman's fabled throw-in, capable of causing as much panic in defences as the sight of salad in a kebab does in Sunderland.

Sunderland

Speak of the devils. The Mackems seem to have been having great trouble attracting players to the Dark Place. Funny, that. Most pressing was a new striker - Niklas Bendtner has returned to Arsenal and Asamoah Gyan has sealed his escape, while of those left Stephane Sessegnon couldn't make it into double figures last season, Connor Wickham has failed to live up to even the most modest expectations and Fraizer Campbell is far more familiar with the physio than he is with his teammates. Little wonder, then, that they were so desperate to sweet-talk free agent Louis Saha into joining and remain keen on snaring Wolves' Steven Fletcher. To date, their only other new signing has been Carlos Cuellar, another past-his-best defender to keep Wes Brown and John O'Shea company.

Nevertheless, there remains some hope even for these most hopeless of wretches. Sunderland are strongest on the flanks, where Sebastian Larsson provides Beckham-esque delivery and recently unearthed talent James McClean offers energy and penetration, and in Martin O'Neill they're undeservedly blessed with a potential saviour. How long before he acknowledges that having Lee Cattermole - a player who makes ASBO look like a tranquillised Buddhist - as captain is a car crash just waiting to happen?

Swansea

Through the tenures of Roberto Martinez, Paulo Sousa and Brendan Rodgers, Swansea have developed a footballing philosophy that is the complete antithesis of Stoke's, and the new man charged with its exposition is Michael Laudrup. The Dane has called upon his connections in pursuing a transfer policy that has seemed largely focused on players with single names who either sound like Pokemon characters (Michu) or conjure up deeply unpleasant repressed memories of X Factor contestants (Chico). One exception is Dutch midfielder Jonathan De Guzman, borrowed from Villareal and set to make a big impression at the Liberty Stadium.

As a former winger himself, Laudrup will presumably be keen to ensure the Swans continue to use pacy wide men Scott Sinclair, Nathan Dyer and Wayne Routledge to their best advantage. He's no doubt less than enamoured of his predecessor's attempts to lure his best players to Liverpool - Joe Allen has already left, and Rodgers is rumoured to be lining up a bid to take Ashley Williams to Anfield too. Together with Angel Rangel, Neil Taylor and Spurs loanee Steven Caulker, Williams was critical in creating the circumstances in which Swansea's rightly lauded total football could thrive last season - if Laudrup and chairman Huw Jenkins allow that supporting wall to be removed, the whole edifice might collapse.

Spurs

How very typical that Spurs should trounce us 5-0 immediately before embarking on a catastrophic run of form that ultimately deprived them of Champions League qualification and cost 'Appy 'Arry his job. That resulted in Andre Villas-Boas being granted a second crack of the Premier League whip, and he was soon at loggerheads with Luka Modric, the Croatian the subject of intense transfer speculation for the second successive summer and someone who Chelsea, under the Portuguese, were eager to recruit. Thus far Spurs have just about won the battle, as they have with Gareth Bale, but Modric now looks increasingly likely to be lining up for Jose Mourinho's Real Madrid.

In between trying to fight off unwanted attention for the pair, Daniel Levy has spent much of the summer wrangling with Emmanuel Adebayor and his representatives, still unable to agree personal terms on a deal for the man who spearheaded the attack last term. Jermain Defoe might be itching for more regular first-team football, but without Adebayor (or a suitable alternative) Spurs look woefully short-staffed up front. On a more positive note, Belgian centre-back Jan Vertonghen is an excellent addition, especially in light of Ledley King's retirement, and may perhaps be partnered by Steven Caulker, who's on the cusp of a major breakthrough. Gylfi Sigurdsson, fresh from making a huge impact on loan at Swansea, has chosen Spurs over Liverpool and bolsters an already impressive midfield in which Sandro continues to look more assured. Factor in Kyle Walker, arguably the best right-back in the division at present, and Rafael van der Vaart, desperate to put the Netherlands' dismal performance at Euro 2012 behind him, and Spurs have the potential to mount a reasonable title challenge - assuming they aren't fed any dodgy lasagne, that is.

West Brom

Though 'Arry had looked odds-on to land the England job, it eventually went to Roy Hodgson, leaving West Brom seeking a replacement. They found one in the form of Steve Clarke, once of this parish and until recently Kenny Dalglish's number two, who followed Hodgson's footsteps from Anfield to the Hawthorns via a brief period of unemployment. Whether he is able to make himself comfortable or barely has time to singe his buttocks on the managerial hotseat depends partly on the success of his signings.

A primary objective appears to have been to beef up the front line, with disgruntled Chelsea youth Romelu Lukaku and experienced Swedish marksman Markus Rosenberg set to give the likes of Peter Odemwingie and Shane Long serious competition. Midfield recruits Claudio Yacob and Yassine El Ghanassy are a more unknown quantity, while Ben Foster has now swapped Birmingham for the Black Country on a permanent basis. However, it's largely players like Chris Brunt and Jonas Olsson, unheralded by many other than Baggies supporters, who have been instrumental in the club's survival - and may well be again.

West Ham

When West Ham clinched an immediate return to the top tier through the play-offs, the overriding emotion was probably one of relief. Had the Hammers not squeaked through against Blackpool, their retention of players on Premier League wages and riskily substantial January expenditure might well have resulted in financial meltdown. The crucial goal that day was scored by Ricardo Vaz Te, a mid-season recruit finally coming good on the early promise he showed at Bolton. Fat Sam doesn't seem to have much faith in his other strikers Carlton Cole, Nicky Maynard and Sam Baldock, having taken the gamble we weren't prepared to take on Modibo Maiga and expressing unrequited love for Rocky.

QPR's acquisition of Robert Green led to the purchase of not one but two new 'keepers, veteran Jussi Jaaskelainen and Stephen Henderson both happy to be offered escape routes from relegated Bolton and Portsmouth respectively. Fat Sam's sides are rarely a soft touch - usually quite the opposite - and the addition of Mohamed Diame and Alou Diarra to the midfield should ensure that the Hammers are combative where it matters most. Mark Noble and James Tomkins are both a year older and wiser, and, with our former skipper Kevin Nolan adept at the art of popping up unexpectedly in the six-yard area like a mole with an unerring sense of timing, Upton Park probably won't be playing host to Championship football for at least another year.

Wigan

Just what is it that's keeping Roberto Martinez at Wigan? Surely it can't be the prospect of yet another season of struggle, working alchemical magic to turn base metals like Franco di Santo into something with at least the occasional lustre of gold? Maybe Dave Whelan shackles the Spaniard in his cellar every May. With attractive vacancies aplenty in the Premier League this summer (Liverpool, Spurs, Villa), it's remarkable that one of the division's shrewdest and most likeable managers will once again begin the season in the DW dugout.

Survival last season was secured without the assistance of Hugo Rodallega, the contract rebel frozen out of the first team (potentially a classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face) and now at Fulham. His replacement is Arouna Kone, fresh from a productive loan spell at Levante. The Ivorian striker might not be the most loyal of players, though - he'd only inked a permanent deal with the Spaniish outfit in May... Martinez has also looked to La Liga to stiffen up his defence, stealing Real Mallorca's Ivan Ramis from under Fat Sam's snout, while (thus far successfully) fending off Chelsea's menacing approach for midfield gem Victor Moses. Given the Latics' extraordinary ability to scrape to safety against all the odds, only a fool would predict relegation - so allow me to do the honours.

Cisse double sinks Swans

Swansea City 0 - 2 Newcastle Utd

Two goals by Papiss Cisse ensured our winning run continued and made it a very Good Friday for the Newcastle Utd against a slick Swansea team.

With Danny Guthrie injured, the Silver Fox opted to bring Davide Santon back into the side, pushing Spidermag up alongside Mr T and Dreamboat in midfield. Tactically, we sat back from the start, dropping off Swansea and allowing them to knock the ball around in their own half.

However, with our number nine boasting seven goals in seven games before the match, we were always likely to pose Swansea problems on the break. Just five minutes into the game Spidermag knocked a loose ball forward to Dreamboat, whose first-time pass saw the Swans' defence part like the Red Sea before Moses, allowing Cisse to charge between them and take a touch before knocking the ball confidently past Michel Vorm to give us the lead.

The rest of the half saw Swansea enjoying the lion's share of possession, with much of their play flowing through Gylfi Sigurdsson, but ultimately left frustrated by our dogged defence, which meant they were restricted to shots from distance which largely left Krul untroubled.

With Mr T withdrawn at half-time nursing a slight hamstring injury, Raylor was pressed into midfield service, and the second half picked up where the first had left off, with Swansea, and Sigurdsson in particular, dominating possession but unable to carve any great chances for their strikers.

With Shane Ferguson on for Demba Ba, our lead always looked quite thin until HBA broke forward and found Dreamboat, his ball again picked out Cisse who, falling over, managed to chip the ball brilliantly over the advancing Vorm and just under the crossbar, doubling our lead and knocking the stuffing out of the home side.

The only further point of note after Cisse's second was the arrival of Dan Gosling in place of Dreamboat, the latter, like Mr T, apparently nursing a slight muscle strain. Hopefully, both will have recovered in time for tomorrow's game against Bolton, as the midfield cupboard is starting to look a little bare.

That said, if Cisse can keep his scoring run going (which now stands at a phenomenal nine in eight games), we can continue to keep our eyes firmly on the teams ahead of us in the league.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

This barren land

Newcastle Utd 0 - 0 Swansea City

Despite a stirring pre-match tribute to Gary Speed, we were unable to rouse our attacking instincts to the point where we could breach Swansea's miserly defence on Saturday.

The Silver Fox was able to welcome back his first-choice midfield pairing of Mr T and Dreamboat and also the return of Sideshow Bob as captain and Leon O'Best up front in what was a significantly strengthened side from the one battered into submission by Norwich a week ago. Only the continuing presence of James Perch in our back line looked to be a significant concern. With Raylor absent through injury, it also allowed Davide Santon an opportunity to stake his claim for a regular start at left-back.

The restoration of the Ba/Best combination up front looked to pay dividends, with the two combining regularly to carve out chances which our Senegalese striker was unable to quite convert, either being thwarted by foul play, the woodwork or Tim Krul's compatriot Michel Vorm.

With Dreamboat stroking the ball around beautifully, we dominated the first half, with both Ba and Sideshow Bob hitting the posts, the former after a clever lay-off from the chest of O'Best and the latter from a beautifully flighted free kick.

Goalless at half-time, unfortunately we couldn't press on and snatch victory in the second half. Big Lad almost broke the deadlock within seconds of replacing Best as he latched on to Santon's clever through ball, only to see his shot fail to ripple the net.

At the other end, the return of Sideshow Bob undoubtedly steadied the ship, with only one real scare when Scott Sinclair shot wide when well placed. Otherwise, the clean sheet constituted a welcome return to our defensive miserliness, only for our attack to themselves founder.

To be honest, we'll play far worse this season and win games, albeit our failure to take maximum points against Swansea was frustrating. Of perhaps wider significance was the return of Mike Williamson to the bench after a run-out for the reserves earlier in the week, and a late appearance for Haris Vuckic in place of Mr T, both representing a timely return to the first-team squad with the hectic Christmas schedule arriving.

However, as with our last home game, the stark reality of the importance of matters was put into context by the sight of Gary Speed's family stood on the pitch as the home crowd, led by opera singer Gwyn Hughes Jones, sang 'Bread of Heaven', while the East Stand held up cards to display a black number 11 against a white background. That, not the subsequent frustration, was undoubtedly the overriding memory from the day.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian