Newcastle reunited?

Oh for those halcyon days of assault charges, torched cars, riotous parties and someone doing regular chicken impressions for reasons best known to himself. The Silver Fox seems to have gone all dewy-eyed at the prospect of bringing Rocky and his mentor/guardian Kevin Nolan back to St James' Park from tomorrow's opponents West Ham. We presumably also had scouts watching this chap ASBO score direct from a corner for Marseille in the Europa League on Thursday. And while we're at it, I wonder what Little Saint Mick, the Little Waster and Alan Smith are up to these days?

All joking aside, it's a bit embarrassing. It's undeniable that Rocky and Nolan did well for us, but we've moved on since then and re-signing either of them would be a significant step backwards - Rocky because his physical presence up front would take our current forward-thinking style back to the dark ages (or the golden ages as they're known to Fat Sam), and Nolan because he'll very soon be past it.

While the Silver Fox enthused about Rocky's abilities, he did also suggest that bringing him back would be a way of repaying a "great debt": "The position we are in, if I'm honest, is because we used the money from Andy's sale well". Needless to say, being grateful to him for raising enough revenue to improve the playing squad is not a reason to re-sign him. Of course, the acknowledgement that the squad has improved in his absence doesn't mean we don't need further reinforcements and acquisitions - but neither our Scouse former skipper nor the man whose diary contains as many court appearances as the Lone Ranger's are the answer.

They will now both score against us, of course.

Ba-nned

And there I was, just thinking it had been a while since one of our players was last in trouble with the long arm of the law for a motoring offence. Demba Ba, step forward and hang your head in shame. Having been caught speeding twice and compounding the problem by missing no fewer than three court hearings and ignoring police letters, our Senegalese striker has been fined and banned from driving for six months. He wasn't even in court for sentencing - if he had been, perhaps he could have claimed he had an urgent delivery of strawberry syrup to collect and pleaded for clemency?

In other striker news, Rocky won't be going anywhere fast either, having been ruled out for up to six weeks following Saturday's hamstring injury sustained against Fulham. Meanwhile, Little Saint Mick, whose knees don't allow him to go anywhere fast these days, has joined Stoke. ASBO wished him luck with the message "Get practicing your heading lad..."

Quote of the day

"We will invest to succeed. But we will not mortgage the future with risky spending."

Writing an open letter to Liverpool fans, the club's American owner John Henry appears to have suffered momentary amnesia. What was £35m for a lanky loose cannon with only really half a season of top-flight football under his belt if not an example of "risky spending"? And as for frittering away the same sum on Jordan Henderson and Stewart Downing...

In fairness to Henry, he does later show at least a degree of self-awareness, conceding that "the process of reversing the errors of previous regimes ... has been compounded by our own mistakes in a difficult first two years of ownership". Not that those mistakes are necessarily a thing of the past, either. Just three games into the new campaign and there's already talk of Brendan Rodgers being disgruntled at having been promised a new striker so allowing Rocky to leave for London, only for moves for Clint Dempsey and others not to materialise. Of course, it can't have helped Rodgers' mood that our former striker enjoyed a superb debut for Fat Sam's West Ham, back to his bullying best against Fulham's Brede Hangeland as the Hammers raced to a three-goal lead before succumbing to a hamstring injury.

Still, we would be lobbing a stone from our glasshouse if we were to mock Liverpool's shortage of forwards. Papiss Cisse's slow start is a worry, as is the fact that without Big Lad we weren't able to name a single striker on Sunday's bench. Maybe we might regret not bringing Rocky back to Tyneside as much as the Scousers come to rue letting him go.

Meanwhile, it might interest Liverpool (but probably not us...) that Little Saint Mick is still a free agent in search of a club, despite his confidence that someone would snap him up before Friday.

Rocky road out of Anfield

So it seems that Rocky's finally got the not-so-veiled message Brendan Rodgers has been spouting in the press for weeks: he's not wanted at Anfield. His escape route (on loan) hasn't led him to St James' Park, though, but to Upton Park and a reunion with Fat Sam, whom he claims was a key factor in the decision. He'll certainly provide a focal point for the Hammers' hoof-and-hope style under Allardyce, but how long before the temptations of the capital get to him and he's being forced into being taken in by Kevin Nolan and family?

Elsewhere, one-time target Jordan Rhodes is set to leave Huddersfield to join Blackburn for a cool £8m - an absurd sum for a newly relegated and financially unstable club to be chucking around. Still, he's likely to do well for them - his first job being to step into the boots of crocked former Toon striker Leon O'Best.

Patience is a virtue

Privately he may be getting as anxious as the rest of us, but publicly at least the Silver Fox is remaining calm at the lack of big-name signings. Youthful trio Romain Amalfitano, Gael Bigirimana and, most recently, Curtis Good have all been recruited, but I doubt any of them would start the season expecting to be fixtures in the first team. With transfer rumours rumbling on - most notably Lille president Michel Seydoux rejecting another bid for Mathieu Debuchy and declaring that he'll be staying in France only for the player to reiterate his desire and determination to leave - the Silver Fox has claimed to be happy to play the waiting game and leave the negotiations to his superiors. And, in fairness, their recent track record of pulling rabbits out of hats is pretty good.

One thing that the manager can celebrate is the retention of Demba Ba. That much-publicised release clause in his contract expired at the end of July, and while that doesn't necessarily mean he won't leave, it does enable us to justifiably make any purchasing club look rather foolish for their tardiness by charging a hefty fee.

Meanwhile, like an attractive woman sick of being eyed up and pawed at on the dancefloor by a leery oaf, Rocky has finally told Fat Sam to fuck off. Whether he's spurned Fat Sam's advances because he's pining for his first love remains to be seen - and even then we may not be prepared to go as far as Liverpool demand to reciprocate those feelings. Still, John Henry and company may have other things on their mind now that shirt sponsors Standard Chartered stand accused of laundering vast sums of money in cahoots with Iran...

Hammer time for Rocky?

Might our pursuit of Rocky be at an end? The BBC are reporting that our former striker is on the verge of joining West Ham on loan for a fee of £2m. His club Liverpool seem to be giving out mixed messages about whether or not they want to keep him; if Rocky does feel to have been deemed surplus to requirements at Liverpool, then - despite apparently favouring a move back to Tyneside - he might decide to take whatever escape route is offered. If a loan deal has been agreed with Fat Sam's Hammers, then you'd imagine the only thing that could scupper it would be an acceptable bid for a permanent deal. The ball's in your court, Jabba, and you don't have much time to decide...

On a tangential note, sad news for another of our former strikers. Leon O'Best was unfortunate enough to sustain a serious knee injury in a recent pre-season friendly for Blackburn, one which looks likely to keep him out of action for six months. We wish him well for a swift recovery.

Quote of the day

"[Reading chairman] John Madejski used to say to me about certain players, just wipe your nose and move on. And I think [Liverpool] are going to have to do that with Andy ... Whether it's £15m, £16m or £20m, if [Rodgers] uses that money and gets an uplift in the player that he brings in that's OK. And that's how you've got to look at it."

Oh, I'm liking this - the Silver Fox trying out some serious Taggart-esque mindgames on the powers that be at Liverpool, suggesting they'd better just cut their losses on Rocky and flog him off for substantially less than the fortune they forked out for him. OK, so it might rile them a bit, but it's nice to see us being a bit canny and calculating, rather than being on the receiving end, for a change.

Rocky road ahead?

With Leon O’Best and Peter Lovenkrands now departed, and our pursuit of Luuk de Jong scuppered by his move to Borussia Monchengladbach, it’s hardly surprising that we’re in the market for another striker.

However, the news that we’ve made an approach to bring Rocky back to the club is something of a shock. While I think he’s been unfortunate at Liverpool, one of the reasons that Rocky looks to have struggled is that the team isn’t set up to play to his strengths, but instead favours playing the ball through for Luis Suarez to run onto, rather than fire in crosses for Rocky to try and get a header on target.

Equally, in the 18 months since his departure, and particularly in the last 12 months, we’ve started to pass the ball more and play through the likes of Dreamboat and HBA, and as such Rocky’s strengths don’t appear to be particularly well suited to our more recent footballing methodology.

With that in mind, the approach for Rocky is indeed a surprising one. Still, having been rebuffed once it remains to be seen if we go back in with an improved offer, or leave it to the likes of West Ham and Fulham to battle it out for our one-time number 9’s services.

Homeward bound

The quarter-finals all now over, our interest in Euro 2012 has been extinguished. As many would have predicted, Spain proved too strong for France, cantering to a 2-0 victory. Dreamboat played the whole game and registered les Bleus' only effort on target, a free-kick that Iker Casillas saved. Afterwards, he reflected on a tournament that was a personal triumph but ultimately one which ended in frustration. Over the course of France's fixtures he emerged as their midfield lynchpin, underlining just what a steal he was for us at £4.5m last summer but also effectively advertising his abilities to the whole of Europe...

HBA, meanwhile, didn't get on to the pitch in Donetsk. Rumours abounded of a bust-up in the French camp in the wake of the defeat to Sweden - Man City's Samir Nasri was mentioned most frequently, but HBA's name cropped up a bit too, so perhaps our mercurial wizard has shot himself in his twinkle toes as far as his international career is concerned.

England, meanwhile, exited in entirely predictable fashion, a heroically awful 0-0 against Italy concluding with the customary shoot-out defeat. Scott Parker was culpable for allowing Andrea Pirlo the freedom of the pitch to pull strings, while James Milner was equally ineffective. Rocky did at least demonstrate an ability to get the ball down and bring others into play after he appeared as a substitute, but as an attacking force England were non-existent. Still, at least the exit means no one has to endure what would certainly be a humiliation at the hands of Germany.

Dreamboat a driving force for the French

OK, so if this site is your sole source of footballing news (and if it is, you're mental), then you might be forgiven for not knowing that there's a major international tournament on at the moment. With the quarter-finals already underway, we'd probably best take a quick look at how those with Toon affiliations have got on thus far...

Let's start, most obviously, with Dreamboat. A fine performance in the opening draw with England, in which he troubled Joe Hart from distance on more than a couple of occasions, was followed by an even better one in the victory over hosts Ukraine. After play was suspended for an hour due to a freak thunderstorm, France took the lead and Dreamboat doubled it with a clinical strike using his lesser spotted left foot before rattling the post. His evening was curtailed on 68 minutes by a knock which then kept him out of the final game against Sweden, the French defeat only serving to underline his increasing importance to the side. While we can rightly be smug at having snaffled him up on the cheap last summer, we can't ignore the fact that these performances will be putting him firmly in the shop window whether we like it or not.

HBA, by contrast, has had markedly less game time. He appeared as a sub against England, running into blind alleys and surrendering possession cheaply on a couple of occasions, and then failed to spark when handed a starting place against the Swedes, hauled off just before the hour mark.

Still, he's fared better than Tim Krul, who sat twiddling his thumbs on the sidelines while his misfiring colleagues in the Netherlands side slumped to a truly shocking hat-trick of defeats, thereby making a mockery of anyone who predicted they would win the trophy - such as yours truly. Hopefully some good may have come from it, though, if Krul has been able to sweet-talk Luuk de Jong into contemplating a move to Tyneside.

Old boys Shay Given and Damien Duff had an even more horrific experience as the Republic of Ireland were sent packing pointless, Given forced to pick the ball out of his net no fewer than nine times over the course of their three matches. For England, James Milner and Scott Parker both started all three group matches, while Rocky was selected for the Sweden fixture, scored with a trademark header and can feel slightly aggrieved at being the fall guy for Wayne Rooney's return.

Bye bye Beye Beye

Contrasting fortunes for a couple of ex-Mags yesterday. While Rocky was celebrating securing Liverpool an FA Cup final appearance with a late header against Merseyside rivals Everton, Habib Beye had a more miserable afternoon. Though he opened the scoring after just three minutes, Beye was later red-carded and had to look on as his Doncaster side then conceded twice in the 90th minute, the 4-3 defeat to Portsmouth sealing their relegation to League One. Also on the scoresheet for downcast Donny was one-time Toon youth prospect James Coppinger, whose effort had given the home side the 3-2 lead they'd taken into the closing stages.

Squeaky bum time for Fat Sam

Just as the heat is on in the race for European places, so is the battle for a place back in the Premier League, and an enthralling Championship game on Monday evening saw two former Toon managers pitting their wits against each other. Fat Sam's West Ham trailed 3-1 to Chris Hughton's Birmingham before fighting their way back to a 3-3 draw. Some consolation, but Reading's victory at Brighton last night means Fat Sam's expensively assembled outfit are six points adrift of an automatic promotion spot. Needless to say, we're wishing one of the two bosses well - and are amused at the disgruntlement of Hammers fans complaining about the team's current brand of (non-)football...

Meanwhile, down in League 1 the Lone Ranger has become the Loan Ranger, promotion-chasing Sheffield Wednesday the club mad enough to temporarily take him off our hands. Since arriving at Hillsborough in late March, he's made four appearances, all of which have ended in Wednesday victories, and actually scored in the 2-0 win at Lee-Clark-less Huddersfield. Let's hope he's determined to put himself in the shop window and not just cause havoc elsewhere - the sooner we're rid of him the better.

North of the border, the formalities of Celtic's SPL title win were completed with a 6-0 rout of Kilmarnock. Fraser Forster kept another clean sheet, and the papers are once again reporting that the Bhoys are intent on stepping up efforts to sign him permanently.

And finally on our round-up of goings-on beyond St James' Park, Rocky scored an injury-time winner as ten-man Liverpool beat Blackburn 3-2. Well done, Bigger Lad - you now have as many league goals for the Scousers in over a year as midfielder HBA has for us, despite the latter having a year out injured...

Movers and shakers

Reflections on the club's activities in the transfer window from Paul tomorrow, but, in the meantime, what else of note happened on deadline day?

We looked on as several targets moved elsewhere: ex-Villa defender Liam Ridgewell continued on his tour of the West Midlands, joining West Brom from Birmingham and Ravel Morrison, the subject of a rejected bid from us earlier in the month, somewhat surprisingly left Man Utd for Championship football with West Ham. Fat Sam went striker-crazy, also adding Bristol City's Nicky Maynard and Barnsley's Ricardo Vaz Te to his forward line - but following his side's 5-1 pummelling by previously hapless Ipswich he may be feeling he should have concentrated on the other end of the pitch...

Meanwhile, Wayne Bridge, a player with whom we've been strongly linked in the past, was recruited on loan by the Mackems and so could face us at St James' Park next month. They've been able to do the deal on the cheap too, paying a fraction of his wages in a similar deal to the one struck by MK Dons for Alan Smith.

When Bolton steamed in with an improved £7m bid for Wilfried Zaha, I suspected it would kick off a furious bidding war - but against the odds everything remained quiet and the winger remains a Crystal Palace player. Equally surprising was the silence surrounding Huddersfield's Jordan Rhodes and Blackburn's Junior Hoilett.

Several old boys were on the move too. Sebastien Bassong swapped Spurs for Wolves on loan (a deal I really feel we should have pursued ourselves), tonight's opponents Blackburn identified QPR's out-of-favour right-back Bradley Orr as the man to lead them to safety (yes, me neither) and, in perhaps the most surprising move of the day, Spurs took a gamble on chronic physio-botherer Louis Saha. Perhaps Droopy's mind's elsewhere at the moment...

On the subject of old boys, Rocky played and scored a year to the day that Jabba lined his pockets with £35m of Liverpool's cash. That makes it a cool £5m per goal. Meanwhile, Demba Ba has more than twice as many in just six months, and came on a free. Doesn't look quite such a bad deal now as it did then, does it?

Ba's French fancy

What with the transfer window being open, it was never going to be long before we had our first case of verbal diarrhoea. "I have always supported PSG and it's a club that is enticing but it will be difficult to do that in January", Demba Ba has been quoted as saying. The player's denial - or at least the claim that the comments were taken out of context - followed swiftly afterwards.

Ba's hometown club wouldn't be alone in taking an interest in our striker, with pretty much all six clubs currently above us in the table reportedly keen. As yet, though, no offers have been forthcoming - and that despite Droopy's attempts to flog him for us. Ever the wheeler-dealer, eh, 'Arry? Keep your fleshy beak and the rest of your flabby face out of our business.

If, hypothetically speaking, Ba was to be sold, then speculation's been rife that his replacement could be the man he himself replaced - rumours rubbished by Rocky's agent as well as his manager Kenny Dalglish. While the prospect of re-signing the striker for £25m less than we sold him would clearly be appealing, it's a moot point, really: we play a different style of football now without a bullying presence up front, and Jabba would be very unlikely to sanction a transfer fee or wages that hefty. Still, stranger things have happened on Tyneside.

Might we soon find ourselves linked with another old boy, though? It seems Sebastien Bassong is getting frustrated at warming Droopy's bench, we're in the market for a central defender, and a left-footer would complement Sideshow Bob nicely. Incidentally, that particular hole definitely won't be plugged by former triallist Darnel Situ, who has now finally signed for Swansea.

A mirror to our soul

Two articles in the Mirror this weekend, with reported quotes from Llambiarse giving the paper plenty of column inches.

Firstly, he can be found boasting about the Rocky sale, gleeful recounting how we got the full £35 million up front, and due to late payment of the fee also picked up a further £12k interest, as well as reporting on the player's current value as "fuck all". (To be fair, even though I suspect the player will ultimately come good for them, there are a number of Liverpool fans I know who'd probably echo Llambiarse's sentiment at present.)

Secondly, he turned his sights on a trio of former managers. The Lion of Gosforth apparently gave too much control to Iain Dowie and is very arrogant (something which is our fault). Which raises some interesting questions about the club's subsequent statement that employing Shearer as manager was the best decision they ever made.

Keegan apparently couldn't hack the pressure and was only appointed because we were trying to sell to someone who wanted him bringing in as manager. To be fair to Keegan, as the employment tribunal found, having the Poison Dwarf bringing in shite players you don't want might have made it a difficult situation to operate in even if you've got the the calmness of a bomb disposal expert.

Chris Hughton however, couldn't make a firm decision, so that's why he had to go. Hardly surprising given that he probably never knew what level of shitstorm the powers that be would inflict upon him on a day-to-day basis.

Presumably while the Silver Fox says the right things before the cameras, he's obviously got the ability to stand his ground when necessary - something which the club hierarchy clearly value. What that suggests is that ours is currently an incredibly macho working environment - and one can only wonder if Llambiarse goes to bed every night with a packet of tissues and a laminated picture of Gordon Gecko.

Ultimately though, the coup de grace was Llambiarse's comment that "You guys don’t ­understand how fucking ­horrible we can be".

Having already inflicted JFK on us, renamed St James' Park, repeatedly lied to us and treated former club legends like dirt, it's difficult to see what else they could do, without undermining the brand to the point where Jabba would never be able to get a return on his investment. Still, I'm sure from his comments that Llambiarse still has a few ideas up his sleeves...

Quote of the day

"You're joking, aren't you? I wouldn't leave him with my kids. He'd probably have the house burned down, or the car!"

Kevin Nolan laughs off suggestions that Rocky's departure for Anfield has deprived him of a potential babysitter.

Our skipper also spoke about the fact that his parents - both fervent Liverpool fans - have been helping his former houseguest settle in on Merseyside. So we'll have the three of them to thank if the pony-tailed colossus plays and scores against us...

Meanwhile, no fewer than thirteen MPs have endorsed a motion for current Liverpool caretaker manager Kenny Dalglish to be knighted for his "outstanding contribution" to British football. Needless to say, the MP who tabled the motion is from Merseyside rather than Tyneside. And Dalglish'll be even less popular in these parts if, as the Daily Heil recently suggested, he succeeds in luring ASBO to the North West...

You Ransom devil

Recently departed Coventry chairman Ray Ranson seems keen to make mischief and stick the boot in on his former paymasters, most notably accusing the Sky Blues' owners of failing to snap up Rocky when he was available for a paltry £800,000. Ransom and fellow ex-Toon defender Andy Thorn, chief scout but also currently the club's co-caretaker manager following Aidy Boothroyd's sacking, apparently identified our erstwhile striker as "a raw talent who would develop". How right they were - and how foolish the board probably feel now.

Deja vu

Foiled by an injury-time goal from Asamoah Gyan - now why does that sound familiar? England's goal in the 1-1 draw with Ghana had come from a lanky pony-tailed bruiser, a meaty left-footed thump from Smoggie Stewart Downing's touch that flew into the net - proof that Liverpool haven't shelled out £35m on a nodding donkey.

Update: It seems that despite scoring his first international goal Fabio Capello wasn't entirely happy with Rocky's display last night (though presumably the Italian's expecting improvement largely in his match fitness than in his general effort). And this after warning our former number nine to cut back on the sauce (advice you'd hope he also had from staff on Tyneside). Clearly he'll need to stay on his toes to impress his national manager.

Secret agent?

It's a truth universally acknowledged - or, at least, within the world of football - that when the Guardian's dirt-digger-in-chief David Conn starts looking in the direction of your club, intent on satiating his appetite for dodgy dealings and regulatory misdemeanours, trouble lies ahead. By turning over a few stones, Conn almost invariably uncovers some truths that the powers that be would prefer remained hidden.

The most recent focus of his attention has been the circumstances behind Rocky's deadline day transfer to Liverpool - and, not surprisingly, he smells a rat. The result is a long and complicated article, painstakingly worded (no doubt at the behest of the paper's lawyers). To summarise, though, Rocky stands accused of bypassing FA regulations prohibiting him from being represented by an agent (his old agent, Peter Harrison, having been unceremoniously given the boot) by instead getting Liverpool to engage someone on his behalf - a conspiracy in which the Scousers willingly colluded to speed the deal through.

It'll be interesting to see the outcome of any formal investigation into the affair, but the allegations have little real bearing on my stance towards the deal. £35m is an enormous sum of money, too much to turn down, and so it's hardly as though we should feel aggrieved if any wrongdoing is proven. Don't get me wrong, I was deeply disappointed to see Rocky leave - but, ultimately, we got what was more than a fair price in return for our most valuable asset and it would be difficult to argue we were swindled, duped or cheated. If that's true of anyone, it's Chelsea, for whom Fernando Torres continues to look worth about £50 rather than £50m...

Quote of the day

"Mike couldn't get his head round what the football world is about in terms of some of the finances needed - it just doesn't make sense at times. The finances of the football club are so complicated and Mike and Derek are starting to understand and learn from experiences - having made errors."

Alan Pardew, speaking on talkSPORT, hints at what we all know - namely, that Jabba wishes his due diligence checks before buying the club had been rather more thorough. Not even being a successful businessman is a guarantee of being able to comprehend our financial affairs.

On the subject of crazy money, the Sun are reporting that, according to our 2009/10 business plan, in the summer after relegation we valued Rocky at £34m less than we eventually sold him for. Of course his stock rose sharply over the course of the season and a half which followed, but it still underlines that the size of the eventual transfer fee couldn't really be sniffed at.

The business plan also reveals that some players we'd earmarked to keep were nevertheless sold when the opportunity arose (Damien Duff, Sebastian Bassong, Habib Beye) while many we were desperate to flog remained on the books (Sideshow Bob, Spidermag, ASBO, Alan Smith, Jose Enrique). If Rocky's transfer fee reflects well on Jabba, then this doesn't - we might have been prepared to give him credit for keeping the right players to get us promoted, but the fact that the club's sell-and-retain wishlist bore little resemblance to what actually happened indicates that it was less a matter of careful strategy and more of good fortune.

Meanwhile, if you can smell burning, I wouldn't worry - it'll just be the result of Stephen Ireland torching his bridges with Villa in some style, claiming to be unwanted by manager Gerard Houllier and declaring Birmingham to be "a rubbish town". Suffice to say that when his loan period at St James' ends, he's unlikely to be welcomed back with open arms (though you should probably expect him to waffle on about his comments being taken out of context any minute now...). Ireland often talks the talk but in the last couple of seasons has rarely walked the walk - it's time for him to shake off that niggling injury and prove he's not lost the ability that made him Man City's best player.

And finally, Everton's Victor Anichebe has won his out-of-court case against us, having claimed compensation for a tackle by Kevin Nolan in February 2009 which left him sidelined and saw our current skipper red-carded. Just in time to spice things up nicely ahead of tomorrow's rerun, for which Anichebe and Nolan will both be in their respective squads...