Target man

Oh, just look at that: the Lone Ranger is once again a wanted man. By the police, that is. One suspects he may not be wanted by current employers Swindon for much longer...

In the clear

Good news for Loic Remy - not only will our top scorer be available to try and help end our alarming goal drought for the visit of Villa next weekend, he's had the rape charge against him dropped. Without the threat of a jail sentence hanging over him, he has no excuse not to knuckle down and stop our season petering out into nothingness - not that that responsibility rests solely on his shoulders, of course.

While Remy is in the clear, one of his predecessors in the Toon front line has had his collar felt by the long arm of the law for the umpteenth time. On this occasion the Lone Ranger did nothing more than come up to Newcastle for a night out - the problem being that his bail conditions barred him from doing so. Having only recently won himself a reprieve at Swindon, it will be little surprise if the Robins finally decide enough is enough and ditch him.

Black sheep back in the fold

He may already have had "more lives than a cattery let alone a cat", but it seems the Lone Ranger has been handed yet another one. Just a week after his contract with Swindon looked set to be terminated, our errant old boy was back in the first team - and back on the scoresheet, setting the Robins en route for a victory over Peterborough. As always, though, you suspect he's living on borrowed time and his next off-field misdemeanour is just around the corner.

Quote of the day

"He’s had more lives than a cattery let alone a cat and there’s no more the club can do any more."

Swindon chairman Lee Power has clearly run out of patience with the Lone Ranger, who's set to have his contract terminated. I hate to say we told you so, Lee, but we did.

A novelty: the Lone Ranger hits the headlines for footballing reasons

So it turns out the Lone Ranger is good for something: wiping the smug smirk off 'Appy 'Arry's face with his first goal for Swindon, the latest saps to sign him up.

Robins unreliant

So it turns out we're not the only side so desperate for a striker that we've been prepared to welcome with open arms someone with a rape charge hanging over them. We brought in Loic Remy, while League One outfit Swindon have turned to a familiar face: the Lone Ranger.

Yes, that's right, the Robins appear to have overlooked the countless misdemeanours of a man who recently had his own surname tattooed on his forehead. They seriously need their heads examining, even if chairman Jed McCrory did note pointedly that the striker would need and get "rigorous support" from the club.

For his part, the Lone Ranger made the usual noises in such cases, hinting at contrition and redemption and pleading for fans to give him a chance. I give it a month. Just a shame Paolo Di Canio isn't still the manager at the County Ground - the pair of them in close proximity would be a superbly volatile combination...

Named and shamed

If an utter imbecile does something imbecilic, then it hardly constitutes news. So I'm not entirely sure why I've bothered to report the fact that the Lone Ranger has had his own surname tattooed onto his face.

Court circular

Two new Newcastle-related stories on the BBC website yesterday - sadly both were about legal rather than sporting matters.

First there was the news that Mr T is set to declare "I ain't no fraudster, fool" and contest the five charges against him for driving-related offences. The trial is set for October, by which time he may no longer be a Toon player - certainly his star has fallen considerably with us and I suspect we'd be more inclined to cash in if a reasonable bid was to be received.

And then there was confirmation that the Lone Ranger will be facing a rape charge. Yet more reason (should it have been needed) to be relieved we finally washed our hands of him back in March.

However, there's still no sign of any new additions to the first-team squad, as we get used to our default role as impotent mute bystanders while our targets - most recently Arouna Kone - move elsewhere. After the complacency of last summer, things need to start happening soon.

Guilty as charged

Part of me wonders whether we should be bothering to waste any more time, effort and thought on the Lone Ranger now that we've washed our hands of him. So this is just a very quick note to say he's been found guilty of assault (again), this time on his girlfriend, and that his solicitor's comments in court make clear, as everyone could have guessed, that his departure from Newcastle wasn't so much "by mutual consent" (as per the club statement) as terminated at the club's insistence: "He has had to leave Newcastle United FC by way of settlement. It was not something he wanted to do. He brought it upon himself, he has to move on with his life."

Sunday stretch

Amazingly, it's been claimed that, in amongst allegedly committing various misdemeanours, the Lone Ranger is actually finding the time to play a bit of football. If it's true and he really is turning out for a Sunday League side on Tyneside, then you have to fear for his shins - there will be plenty of Toon-supporting opponents out there who are sufficiently aggrieved by his repeatedly taking the piss out of the club to seize any opportunity to maim him...

Arrested development

On the subject of misbehaviour, it's nice to see that having his contract cancelled has been the wake-up call the Lone Ranger needed to see the error of his ways and sort himself out. Let us be thankful for the fact that he's no longer our problem and this latest arrest no longer reflects badly on the club.

Quote of the day

"Newcastle United can confirm that Nile Ranger has today left the Club by mutual consent."

A nicely brusque club statement announcing that the Lone Ranger now really is just that.

I could dwell on all of his various misadventures during his time with the club but, frankly, can't be bothered wasting any more time and effort on him other than to say the two words I've been waiting to say for a couple of years now: good riddance.

Arrested development

The Lone Ranger really has excelled himself this time. Having suffered a serious Twitter backlash for bashing the boo-boys, you'd have thought he'd keep a low profile, at least for a while. Not so. No sooner has he stuck yet another two fingers up to the fans in the form of photos of his surname written in £20 notes (I'm amazed he can spell, personally), than he's arrested and bailed on suspicion of rape.

It might yet come to nothing (Ranger has been charged and cleared of offences before), but once again he's proved himself a one-man wrecking ball swinging in to demolish our fragile public reputation. The sack is too good for him.

Elsewhere yesterday, former Toon men Michael Chopra and James Coppinger were found guilty in their corruption case relating to horse-racing. Chopra has admitted to having a serious gambling problem (not for the first time) and, prior to the verdict being delivered, said he'd welcome a ban: "I see any such sanctions as being a useful mechanism in helping me to address these problems". If only the Lone Ranger had the couple of brain cells necessary to be able to do likewise.

Twitter chatter

One person who thought it'd be funny to mention our recent spate of signing Frenchman is Reading winger Jimmy Kebe, who this afternoon tweeted:

"On my way to Newcastle, having medical then sign a 4 years contract. Thank you all for your support you've been outstanding !!!! "

He then followed it up with:

"Oups i thought if you're french and play football u just pop in to Newcastle and sign a contract Not a chance of leaving #LoveReadingFc#"

Presumably setting a few Royals fans' hearts racing along the way...

On the same subject, one player who still hasn't really come to terms with twitter is the Lone Ranger who, reacting to the crowd's booing of the Silver Fox's substitutions took to his phone with the following missives:

"Certain fans need to not come and support this team... Coming out to BOOO us.. Stay at home.. Don't need ur BOO's.... SAY NO MORE !!!!"

"Last thing from me... To all the fans. U are not forced to buy season tickets.. Or pay our wages.. Please remember that..."

"If u are loyal fans.. Be with us.. When we are out there on the field.. Be the 12th man.. Don't come and BOO.. That aint going to help any1"

"Team is going through rough patch. Last thing we need is fans against us #SIMPLE REALLY"

"We are a TEAM u BOO 1 player... Ur booing all of us !!!"

Needless to say, he was subject to a fair degree of ire from those who followed him and who took exception to being lectured by a player who can barely be arsed to get to work on time.

By Wednesday it looked as though he'd had a change of heart:

"Fans am sorry 4 what I said!was just a bit upset you were booing the lads. But as it says in the bible "you should forgive thy neighbour"

"Hope we can all forget about this like I say am sorry and didn't want to offend no1!now time to focus on helping he team go up and up"

Sadly though, it appears he hasn't yet grasped that as we do pay his wages, he might want to avoid pissing everyone off, and the second tweet was quickly followed with:

"My friend took my phone and sent that message.... Sorry"

So, not sorry for the comments about the fans, only that his friend had actually apologised on his behalf.  Well done Nile - following up a pretty thoughtless set of tweets by retracting the apology which sought to make amends.

#genius

Quote of the day

"Nile Ranger has been handed a chance to resurrect his Newcastle United career after being included in Alan Pardew's squad for Sunday's trip to Southampton. And the striker - who started his career with the Saints before moving to Tyneside - has revealed how a new, improved attitude and work ethic has put him back into senior contention following his return from injury this month."

Over on the official club site, the Lone Ranger convinces himself that the reason he's back in sort-of-favour is all down to his personal efforts at rehabilitation and nothing whatsoever to do with our acute injury crisis.

Perhaps his inclusion in the squad is just the Silver Fox playing mind games, though. Lest we forget, our errant striker was on Southampton's books for a year between 2007 and 2008, during which time he served an eleven-week sentence in a young offender's institute for his involvement in an armed street robbery - so the Saints are hardly likely to welcome the sight of him...

Off the hook

Good news for the Lone Ranger, who's been found not guilty of criminal damage. The charge was dropped when a magistrates' court accepted the explanation that he kicked his girlfriend's door in as he thought she might have been kidnapped. Nevertheless, he was bound over to keep the peace or he'll be liable to a fine of a week's wages. Let's just see how long that lasts...

Not better late than never

Turning up late for a meeting to discuss his behaviour (including his perennial tardiness)? Announcing "I’d pay good money to stay in bed this morning" on Twitter? Being abandoned by his agent? The end is surely nearly nigh for the Lone Ranger's Toon career. Curse our foolishness for gifting him that five-and-a-half year deal.

Still, at least he'll have his dancing skills to fall back on...

Quote of the day

“This guy is late so often, it is unbelievable. He’s still at this football club and we’re still trying to do something with him. But he will still not get back in the team unless he has a period of six weeks where he isn’t late. I don’t think it is going to happen".

An exasperated Silver Fox reveals the reason behind the Lone Ranger's protracted absence from the first-team picture: his appalling timekeeping. That fits with the opinion of the anonymous commenter on yesterday's post about the court verdict, who surmised that there must be some reason for his apparent blacklisting.

The Silver Fox also delivered a riposte to our commenter's suggestion that the club should send him out on loan again: “The bottom line is we haven’t got four or five clubs queuing up. In fact we haven’t got one club queuing up for him. That should be alarm bells in his head to get his act in order. But maybe he doesn’t want to be a footballer.”

An apology, of sorts

In the wake of yesterday's court verdict, I think it's only right to offer an apology to the Lone Ranger. We had thought the worst of him, but CCTV and testimonies proved that his actions were provoked by racist taunts from drunken thugs, who then attacked him (meaning his own aggression towards them was retaliatory and in self defence). While that still doesn't excuse his subsequent behaviour towards the police, then it does perhaps at least make his agitated, aggressive state more understandable.

However, his post-court Twitter claim "By da way I haven't been convicted of anything..!!!" is nonsense, as has been patiently pointed out to him by Telegraph journalist Luke Edwards, formerly of the Journal. Despite the mitigating circumstances, he was still handed a 12-month conditional discharge for assaulting the two police officers, and ordered to pay them £750 compensation each. Edwards went on to say "really is about time u realised error of your ways" - admitting at least some responsibility for his actions would be a start - before asking: "When did u last attract media attention for actually playing football?" Good question - and one that our errant striker is unlikely to be able to answer, given that his memory's so short he can't seem to remember court verdicts on the same day they're delivered...

Disregarding the provocation in this particular incidence, the fact remains that the Lone Ranger continues to embroil himself in potentially compromising situations - he's incapable of keeping his head down and staying out of trouble. His behaviour may have been comprehensible (if not excusable or justified) in this case, but more often than not he has no one else to blame.

Quote of the day

"My parents said I can become anything.. So I became an assh*le"

The Lone Ranger: the Twitter gift that just keeps on giving. Could it be that he's finally discovered the concept of self-awareness?

Meanwhile, Big Lad and Little Big Lad warmed up for Sunday's derby with a spot of family karaoke. 'Eye Of The Tiger', you'd imagine.