Newcastle reunited?

Oh for those halcyon days of assault charges, torched cars, riotous parties and someone doing regular chicken impressions for reasons best known to himself. The Silver Fox seems to have gone all dewy-eyed at the prospect of bringing Rocky and his mentor/guardian Kevin Nolan back to St James' Park from tomorrow's opponents West Ham. We presumably also had scouts watching this chap ASBO score direct from a corner for Marseille in the Europa League on Thursday. And while we're at it, I wonder what Little Saint Mick, the Little Waster and Alan Smith are up to these days?

All joking aside, it's a bit embarrassing. It's undeniable that Rocky and Nolan did well for us, but we've moved on since then and re-signing either of them would be a significant step backwards - Rocky because his physical presence up front would take our current forward-thinking style back to the dark ages (or the golden ages as they're known to Fat Sam), and Nolan because he'll very soon be past it.

While the Silver Fox enthused about Rocky's abilities, he did also suggest that bringing him back would be a way of repaying a "great debt": "The position we are in, if I'm honest, is because we used the money from Andy's sale well". Needless to say, being grateful to him for raising enough revenue to improve the playing squad is not a reason to re-sign him. Of course, the acknowledgement that the squad has improved in his absence doesn't mean we don't need further reinforcements and acquisitions - but neither our Scouse former skipper nor the man whose diary contains as many court appearances as the Lone Ranger's are the answer.

They will now both score against us, of course.

View From The Away End: A West Ham fan's perspective

Given that the summer has seen us exchange Demba Ba for Kevin Nolan and Fat Sam take up the reins at Upton Park, we thought we'd ask long-suffering Hammers fan Kenny for his take on events.

In recent years the fates of the two Uniteds that count (ie West Ham and Newcastle) have been fairly closely linked. With the Hammers' descent into the Championship that might have changed this summer, but transfer dealings and/or personnel switches between the two sides have conspired to create a curious synergy.

In the immediate aftermath of Avram Grant's departure the front-runner to be his successor was former Toon boss Chris Hughton, who briefly played for the Irons and had a track record of transforming an underachieving team into runaway leaders of the Championship and getting promotion back to the "promised land" of the Premiership at the first time of asking. His apparently meek demeanour towards his board at Newcastle would also have pointed to this being a good bet given Gold/Sullivan/Brady's seeming control-freakery.

And yet in the end the availability of another ex-Toon supremo Fat Sam Allardyce proved too big a temptation to resist. It wasn't the most popular decision initially amongst Hammers fans many of whom still cling to a notion of Upton Park being a theatre for a particular passing game never really associated with Allardyce's teams. But his pulling power in terms of bringing in Toon captain Kevin Nolan as a readymade replacement for the outgoing Scotty Parker, with the added value of better end product (ie goals season on season) and recent proven ability in our new division, will buy him time with the Boleyn Ground faithful.

Heading in the other direction, of course, is Demba Ba, who had a release clause in his contract in case of relegation, along with Thomas Hitzlsperger (the latter seemingly Villa-rebound). Ba proved he can score at Premier League level (seven goals since his transfer window arrival) but was only truly effective when playing upfront and centre, often drifting out of games when playing just off Carlton Cole. Played as a traditional Toon No.9 he will get you plenty of goals and no doubt become a cult hero, but of course WHUFC still got relegated with his goals on board, so a bit of a warning there about building your team around him alone. But on the whole I'm happier he's going to Newcastle than the usual vultures like Spurs and Everton, or teams local to myself (rather than the team) like Wolves, Villa or Albion.

Many Hammers fans still have fond regards for current Toon gaffer Alan Pardew and will be wishing him well in his latest assignment. His biggest strength at Upton Park was his shrewd moves in the transfer market, however, so I'm concerned for him if the majority of these dealings are being taken out of his hands.

There's still a lot of business to be done before the seasons start, but I foresee tough campaigns for both sides. Financial prudence often wins brownie points in the media, but once the games start both teams may rue releasing proven talent from their ranks. What both teams will need to meet their targets is everybody pulling together, from the board down to the fans, and for realism not to give way to complacency or defeatism. Add to that the usual requirement of huge dollops of good fortune and who knows, the fixture of West Ham v Newcastle may become a Premier League staple once more.

Amen to that, Kenny - and best wishes to the Hammers in their quest to bounce back at the first attempt.

Go Gone West

Now that he's back in the Championship, Kevin Nolan's once again fair game for the Two Unfortunates' Monday Profile. The Scouser might not quite be "the coup of the transfer window" that David Gold's boasted, but there's no doubt West Ham have good reason to look pleased with themselves - for the first time in quite a while, I should add.

Alan's Marveaux medicine

First Yohan Cabaye, then Mehdi Abeid, then Demba Ba and now Rennes' left-sided midfielder Sylvain Marveaux. Perhaps we should just build our own Channel Tunnel?

Like Ba, Marveaux has been snaffled on a free transfer but arrives with a bit of a question mark hanging over his fitness. He's reacted angrily to reports that a move to Liverpool broke down due to failing a medical, instead citing disagreement over terms, but does have a history of thigh and groin problems which have needed surgical intervention.

Marveaux spent most of last season sidelined through injury, but the previous campaign he contributed an impressive 12 goals in 38 appearances and also supplied much of the ammunition for now-Mackem striker Asamoah Gyan.

Reacting to the signing, Alan Pardew claimed: "It's been a good couple of days for us on the transfer front." Roughly translated: who's this Kevin Nolan fella you lot keep bleating on about? According to a source blabbing away in today's News Of The Screws, Nolan "feels let down and ... furious with his former manager. Kev expected him to try harder to keep him at the club during contract talks". I think it's fairly clear who was calling the shots in the negotiations, though - and it wasn't Pardew. Just as with the sale of Rocky, Iron Mike demonstrated a willingness to ride roughshod over the wishes of his manager. Pardew could have pleaded for Nolan's retention all he wanted, but it wouldn't have made a difference.

Kev clucks off

(Paul's had his say - here's my 2p's worth...)

So, in amongst those doing the Cockney walk there'll be someone doing the chicken. Both the decision to sell Kevin Nolan and his destination are dumbfounding.

The Scouser's goals from midfield over the past two seasons have proven absolutely crucial to our revival in fortunes. One of the most significant reasons for our relegation was that, with our much-vaunted strikeforce chronically misfiring, no one from the centre of the park stepped into the breach (Nolan included). Not only does his departure place immediate pressure on Alan Pardew and his team of scouts to source an adequate replacement (who surely won't come cheap and will take time to settle), but in all likelihood it also places greater responsibility on what is, by Premier League standards, already a weak attack.

Much too has been made of Nolan's off-pitch role. While I'd stop short of claiming (as Paul did) that he's always "a strong positive influence off the field" (just think back to Orgygate, for instance), he was clearly well liked in the dressing room and was instrumental in galvanising the team for the promotion push and then top-flight survival.

However, though such endeavours may have been for the benefit of the club, Jabba seems to have taken a rather dimmer view. Our esteemed owner clearly didn't take kindly to having his actions questioned in the wake of Chris Hughton's sacking (that dismissal allegedly partly because our ex-gaffer was too pally and easily manipulated by the senior players) and appears hell-bent on dismantling the players' committee - even it means showing the door to our club captain and top scorer. We might have to start calling him Iron Mike soon.

Jabba's prime motivation was supposedly financial, of course - and you have to say that Nolan's slightly cheeky demand for a five-year contract will have only steeled the owner's will to play hard ball and handed him a ready-made excuse to dispense with him. Whatever the reasons behind the sale, one thing's for certain: it wasn't a footballing decision.

And so to the ramifications. Quite apart from the need to relieve the sudden goalscoring burden on other members of the squad, Pardew also faces trying to quell genuine mutiny, with ASBO blurting out his dismay on Twitter and intimating that he, Jose Enrique and Spidermag would be next out of the door. His subsequent retraction - full of stuff about wanting to stay and win trophies with us - was less convincing than that infamous 'tache, and even if he did fancy staying and seeing out the final year of his contract Jabba will presumably be even more inclined to boot him out as a dressing room rabble-rouser. In his determination to reassert his authority and control, our owner seems to be showing scant regard for the damage he might be inflicting on the club.

And what of Nolan's new employers? As he pointedly remarked after signing, it was nice to know he was wanted - and by Fat Sam, a former manager he already knows well. But it's still curious that a player who still clearly has a lot to offer at the highest level should have voluntarily chosen to step down into the Championship. Our loss is the Hammers' gain, and it wouldn't be much of a surprise to see them back in the top flight before long, propelled there in part by Nolan's knack for goalscoring.

Hammer time for Kev

Confirmation then, that Kevin Nolan has been reunited with Fat Sam and signed for West Ham.

For me, the exasperating part of this is that we've flogged off a player who netted 12 goals for us from midfield last year and was reportedly a strong positive influence off the field as well as on. One who, despite a complete lack of pace, was able to do sterling work in the middle of the park for us and who was one of the reasons why the ship remained steady after the sacking of Hughton and sale of Rocky.

However, this is football and it looks as though the club were unwilling to offer the long term contract which a player approaching his 30s understandably wanted. Equally, ignoring everything else, I can roughly understand why the club might not want to invest heavily in the wages of a player whose career may slowly start to go down hill before too long (although to be fair, it's not like his he has a turn of pace to lose).

Alan Pardew (and the club) have consistently talked a good game on transfers this summer, and for once have acted early to bring in Yohan Cabaye, rather than wait until late July or August before signing anyone, which is encouraging.

Obviously, the time to judge our transfer policy this summer is after the start of the new season.  However, the loss of Nolan, and ASBO's increasingly frustrated tweets suggest he won't be far behind, together with Smith and in all probability Enrique, risks destabilising the core of players around which our team spirit was built. Failure to maintain that "team" mentality risks being far more costly than the loss of any one player.

Nolan may have done very little to keep us up after he was signed by JFK, but he did an awful lot to get us back up and keep us there last year, for which we remain grateful. He goes with our best wishes and sure of a warm reception should Fat Sam manage to guide his bunch of Hammers back to the Premier League (something his new manager certainly won't enjoy).

Out with the old, in with the new

So it appears to have come to pass that after successfully surviving our first season in back in the Premier League thanks to the team spirit and collective will which our close-knit band of brothers forged in the aftermath of that pre-season defeat to Leyton Orient two years ago, the club has now decided to dump pretty much all of the senior pros.

If his Twitter is to be believed, ASBO's not been offered a new contract. Now it transpires that Kevin Nolan's contract negotiations have broken down and Alan Smith has been told to seek gainful employment elsewhere.

If I was Steve Harper, I'd be seriously worried at the moment - not least because Tim Krul's elevation to the Dutch national side at the weekend suggests that with him and Forster in the squad, Harps might just be expendable.

Frustratingly as a collective approach, this looks like a terrible decision. Nolan scored 14 goals from midfield last season. ASBO created countless chances for us going forward and both have clearly had a significant impact on the club in terms of team spirit. While Smith has seen his place in the team handed to Mr T (and in a purely playing capacity that's definitely a massive improvement), off the pitch he too has played an important role.

For the club to risk throwing that away by potentially sending all three out of the door in quick succession is a terrible idea. Smith, maybe, but the other two seems foolhardy in the extreme.

On a more positive note, we appear to be in for Swansea full-back Neil Taylor with a £1 million bid apparently set to trigger a release fee in his contract. With our interest in Cheikh M'Bengue reportedly over, it will be interesting to see whether the approach for Taylor is our attempt to secure back-up for Jose Enrique, or more likely replace the Spaniard on the cheap before he heads on to pastures new.

Of course, if Enrique does also leave, then it's another departure from the band of brothers which again risks destabilising the club ahead of next season.

Turks to take Toon target?

So it now looks very much as though Johan Elmander's spell at Bolton will be coming to an end this summer, with even manager Owen Coyle effectively openly admitting defeat in the battle to tie him down to a new contract. But we'd be well advised to avoid getting our hopes up of signing the Swede, who's been on our radar for some time now, because Turkish giants Galatasaray have claimed on their website to have an "understanding in principle" with him. Still, it's not a done deal yet so we'll presumably continue to monitor developments.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nolan has paid much-deserved tribute to physios Derek "Thunder Thighs" Wright and David Henderson for "managing to get me out on the pitch as many times as they did". The pair must be the most overworked people at the club...

Quote of the day

"You're joking, aren't you? I wouldn't leave him with my kids. He'd probably have the house burned down, or the car!"

Kevin Nolan laughs off suggestions that Rocky's departure for Anfield has deprived him of a potential babysitter.

Our skipper also spoke about the fact that his parents - both fervent Liverpool fans - have been helping his former houseguest settle in on Merseyside. So we'll have the three of them to thank if the pony-tailed colossus plays and scores against us...

Meanwhile, no fewer than thirteen MPs have endorsed a motion for current Liverpool caretaker manager Kenny Dalglish to be knighted for his "outstanding contribution" to British football. Needless to say, the MP who tabled the motion is from Merseyside rather than Tyneside. And Dalglish'll be even less popular in these parts if, as the Daily Heil recently suggested, he succeeds in luring ASBO to the North West...

Neighbourhood watch

According to recent research, the North East really is the footballing hotbed it's regularly claimed to be. County Durham contributes more players to the Premier League pool than any other county, more than nine per 100,000 of its population. Tyne & Wear and Northumberland also make the top ten, in fifth and eighth respectively.

If there's a message to be taken from this, it's that there's plenty of talent on our doorstep if only we look closely enough. The region might be good at nurturing good young footballers, but our club needs to do a better job of identifying, recruiting and retaining the best of them rather than allowing many to be poached from under our noses.

The recently-crowned winner of Sport Newcastle's Sports Personality of the Year award, Kevin Nolan, isn't a local lad, though he does hail from another hotbed, Merseyside, which placed third in the list. Speaking at the Civic Centre ceremony, our skipper commented: "I feel very humble, speechless, really. When you find out you are up for this award you think, ‘What have I done to deserve that?’" Well, Kev, let's just say it's more for that hat-trick against the Great Unwashed rather than what you got up to afterwards...

El juego que espera*

Safety first - that's Alan Pardew's response to the question of when talks of a new contract for Jose Enrique can begin. Recruited by Fat Sam in 2007 at a cost of £6.3m, the Spaniard will be a free agent next summer. Initially underwhelming, he's currently in superb form, and with performances like Saturday's at Ewood Park (Paul's match report to come) he's certainly doing his bit to hasten Premier League survival for the team and discussions over a new deal for himself.

Not surprisingly, a clutch of top-flight rivals are allegedly casting covetous glances in Enrique's direction - including Liverpool, in desperate need of a decent left-back after the walking disaster that's been Paul Konchesky. His affection for Newcastle is evident, but it remains to be seen how Jabba will react to the anticipated demands of improved terms when talks do get underway. He could yet find himself once again supplying the ammunition for Rocky - hopefully not, though.

Speaking of whom... If those responsible for setting ablaze Rocky's new motor back in October fancy torching another Range Rover parked on Kevin Nolan's drive, they've got a great window of opportunity. Our skipper's Chelsea tractor won't be going anywhere for the next 60 days, after he was banned from driving for speeding today. Another one to chalk up for the Toon Motoring Hall Of Shame.

On a happier note, happy 60th birthday to Kevin Keegan. Appropriate that the man who sang inflicted on the world 'Head Over Heels In Love' should reach that ripe old age on Valentine's Day. Many happy returns, King Kev.

(* "The waiting game" in Spanish, if Babelfish is to be trusted...)

Quote of the day

"I have got massive respect for Newcastle, they are my team and my home club and I'm not really going to talk about what happened there. It means a lot to me but I am a Liverpool player now and that is what I have to concentrate on."

A rare show of off-field level-headedness from Rocky, attempting to draw a line under the undignified he-said-she-said squabbling in the media that followed his move to Anfield.

Less wise, perhaps, was skipper Kevin Nolan going on Liverpool's TV channel to say how "delighted" he is for his former housemate - something he's thankfully acknowledged and, in so doing, suggested he's as keen to move on as Rocky: "If fans don't like it, I apologise. I'm getting quite sick of the Andy Carroll saga. I just want to put it to bed and get on with it. The last thing I want is to start upsetting our fans because they have been brilliant. There's no-one more disappointed than me. Not only have we lost a top player but I've lost a good mate who was very close."

Meanwhile, the break-up of the relationship has left at least one person scratching their head...