Question time

So, other than the club's reflections on the latest set of accounts, what else was there of note to come out of the most recent Fans Forum?

1. JFK wasn't solely responsible for the programme notes attributed to him - in reality he "was involved in the drafting of the notes but that the overall messaging was determined collaboratively and could be read as communication from the board". Just as we all suspected, in truth - there's no way that, left to his own devices, he could be trusted to produce something scrupulously profanity-free...

2. A request for more information on JFK's departure met with a terse "no further comment to make", while it was confirmed that filling the director of football role he vacated "would be reviewed in the summer" (with the option of scrapping it altogether presumably also on the table).

3. There was an equally terse response to a fans' representative who, quite reasonably, said "he would like to see the Club attempting to improve the tone of coverage afforded by NCJ Media by ending the current ban": "The Club referred to its comments in the previous Fans Forum meeting and had nothing further to add." Nice to know they're open to dialogue, isn't it?

4. When the issue of revenue raised through Sports Direct advertising in St James' Park was mentioned, it was explained that while this doesn't reduce the debt the club owes to Jabba, it does grease his palms sufficiently to allow him to keep the loan interest-free.

5. The club's apparent lack of ambition was, understandably, a hot topic. It was claimed that "the aim for the Club is always to finish as high up the league table as possible, with top ten a minimum requirement this season". All fine and well, but how does that square with making just two signings in the last two transfer windows, both loans, and selling our best player without securing a replacement? The actions of a club setting itself up to fail - and to hang the manager out to dry.

6. As regards Dreamboat, there was plenty of flannel: "In respect of the transfer, the board explained that the Club did not want to sell the player. However, the player was adamant he wanted to leave. The Club made a substantial bid for a replacement but an agreement could not be reached with the prospective selling club. The Club also pursued other options but particular clubs were unwilling to sell. The board explained that the January window is disruptive for clubs and that there are far more options available to it in the summer window." No mention of the fact that the informal agreement struck with Dreamboat in August meant we'd known of the likelihood of his departure months before it happened and so had no excuse for not having a plan in place. At least there was a hint of regret, if not an outright apology - "The board suggested that if it was to be self-critical, it should have had a young player who could naturally step into the squad as it aims to in all positions" - though of course that compounds the failings of our transfer dealings by flagging up the failings of our academy.

7. While it was explained that the Away Fans Fund was "designed to be spent on the clubs' own fans who travel and the designated away end in their stadium", the club wasn't very forthcoming with details on how the £200,000 we received had actually been spent.

8. Following a suggestion in a previous Fans Forum, Gael Bigirimana has been appointed as our Equality Ambassador, a role which involves working closely with the Newcastle United Foundation and Kick It Out. At least it'll give him something to do, given he currently appears to be nowhere near the first team...

9. The Silver Fox formally pledged the club's support for the Football v Homophobia campaign before the home game with Spurs. A very welcome move - only the previous week I had expressed dissatisfaction and bafflement at our silence on the issue.

Crisis - what crisis?

I debated whether or not to bother dignifying this article with a response, but... a hearty round of applause to the Torygraph for giving Little Saint Mick a platform from which to air his jaundiced, ill-informed views on our club and fans.

Where to start? How's about with the observation that we're "eighth in the league". That much is true - as I think is the suggestion that, with the existing squad, the club is "punching at their correct weight". Lower mid-table is where I'd expect us to be - the previous two seasons having been pretty freakish aberrations.

However, he also claims we're "far more likely to qualify for Europe than get involved in a relegation scrap" - again arguably true, but this overlooks the fundamental mistrust with which the Europa League is eyed by the club hierarchy. Our ambitions should of course be realistic and proportional, and European qualification is still achievable - so why not go for it? If the current squad isn't strong enough to compete in the additional fixtures that accompany qualification, then there's a simple solution: bolster the squad in the summer. But the appetite to do so simply doesn't seem to exist.

Owen also has a point in characterising our transfer policy as one of signing players cheaply and selling them on for a significant profit. Dreamboat would of course be a great example. I think most of us would agree, perhaps grudgingly, that if Jabba isn't prepared to put his hand into his pocket and fund the club in the manner of an Arab oligarch, then this is a sensible course of action. What he omits to mention, of course, is the crucial second stage of the model, the one that makes it sustainable: that departees need to be adequately replaced. Again, Dreamboat is a prime example of where we're failing.

Then there are the comments on JFK: "It appears that he was not a successful appointment as director of football". The understatement is laughable. Owen claims that this is a simple mistake now rectified, not something we should be up in arms about - but then when it comes to drawing huge wages from a club to which we contribute financially in return for fuck all, he should know. The aside that "there was a feeling the game had moved on too much for him to be given such a role" hints that he's aware of the flimsiness and ridiculousness of his own argument.

Much of the rest of the article is a lazy reheating of the usual tedious trash about fickle fans with unrealistic expectations and the goldfish bowl of life on Tyneside ("the scrutiny is unyielding"). He harps on and on about us being a "crisis club" once again - seemingly unaware that that's a term bandied about by the media rather than the supporters. A club in crisis sells newspapers. The media uses poor results on the pitch as an angle, when in reality the grumblings of discontent have been constant for some time now. Few of us would say we're in the midst of a "crisis" - we would, however, justifiably observe that our current league position obscures a multitude of problems, including a complete disconnect with an owner who appears to give no regard whatsoever to the people who have made and continue to make the club what it is today.

Quote of the day

"I am sad to see anybody lose their job and he did a lot of good work here – but the decision was the board’s decision."

Let's unpick this statement about JFK from the Silver Fox, delivered during his pre-Chelsea press conference.

1. Come on, you're not "sad" at all and you're fooling no one by pretending you are. You're as delighted as the rest of us that you've won that particular battle.

2. Likewise, you're fooling no one with that platitude about him doing "a lot of good work". He did fuck all - unless, that is, you consider pissing off countless players and staff by mispronouncing their names to have been a positive contribution.

3. "The decision was the board's decision" - when you say "the board", you mean "Jabba", right? And so JFK didn't jump but was indeed pushed after all? That would confirm that Jabba has at least some semblance of common sense, and that, as many of us suspected, our outgoing director of football didn't have the decency to admit he was failing in his remit and do the honourable thing by resigning.

The Silver Fox did also say, though, that he wasn't opposed to the idea of working with a replacement, if the role is retained and filled - and indeed he suggested, in a slightly wistful tone, that gone are the days of managers being intimately involved in transfer negotiations. Not a viewpoint you'd expect King Kev ever to endorse...

Fat Cockney bastard gets out of our club

At last, something for us fans to rejoice about (and something for the club's overworked PR department to breathe a sigh of relief about): JFK has followed his own advice to countless journalists and fucked off. Even still, with nothing to show from two transfer windows except a pair of loanees who were already on our radar before his appointment as director of football, the fact that he's been afforded the opportunity to resign rather than simply being given the boot beggars belief - though I suppose that comes down to his chumminess with Jabba.

The events of last week proved the final straw. JFK had promised no players would be sold, and yet in the wake of Dreamboat's departure he admitted there had been an agreement in place for the player he unapologetically misnamed Yohan Kebab to leave in January. Not only did this attempt to shift the blame onto Dreamboat underline that the promise had been a blatant lie (certainly not the only one he told during his time on Tyneside), it also unwittingly revealed the level of the buffoon's incompetence - even with significant forewarning of the player's departure, he was still incapable of sourcing and securing a suitable replacement. In his interview after the derby defeat, the Silver Fox struggled to keep a lid on his irritation at JFK's ineptitude: "If I was in charge, solely, of transfers things might be different but I'm not. I think I've made my opinions very clear this week and all the rest of it is confidential."

Sadly, the timing of the resignation isn't ideal - the damage has been done for this campaign, and we'll just have to soldier on with what we've got. If only JFK had walked before the end of January - or, better still, never been appointed to a position far beyond his meagre capabilities in the first place. (Those capabilities, in case you're wondering, are swearing and self-delusion.)

No doubt his pride will be wounded, but JFK does at least have the consolation of knowing that he's "more intelligent" than all of us critics. Here's hoping that the man who made himself (and us) a laughing stock by boasting he "could open the door to any manager in the world" soon finds gainful employment in his dream job as a doorman.

So, as regards fat Cockney bastards, that's one down and one to go.

Automatic reply: Transfer window

I am currently out of the office, enjoying the fuck out of a long weekend in the Lake District. I will respond to your fucking email on Monday.

Kind regards (unless you're Simon Bird, in which case you can fuck off)

Joe Kinnear

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

From: bwrao@outlook.com
To: jfk@nufc.co.uk
Subject: Transfer window
Sent: 31/01/2014, 12:37

Dear Joe

Please could you stop sitting on your arse, pull your finger out of it and get us a replacement for Dreamboat.

Yours sincerely

All at Black & White & Read All Over

Talent spotting JFK style

From Alan Oliver, writing in yesterday's Sunday People, came evidence that JFK is actually doing his job: namely, scouting for new talent we could potentially add to our ranks. At a recent League Cup match between Birmingham and Swansea, he's reported to have made very enthusiastic noises to a Blues official about the prospect of signing their young left winger. Sadly for JFK's already less-than-stellar reputation, he was then informed that said left winger was Shane Ferguson, currently on loan from us. As if further proof were needed that the man is a complete and utter fuckwit...

Quote of the day

"The fans' state of mind was due to what the club wanted to let them know. As I didn't talk and I won't give any explanation about what happened, they chose their side. That is part of a career, but I bear no grudge against no one. I accept it, it is in the past. The only person who can explain what happened is Joe Kinnear. If he is honest, he will tell it. Otherwise it will not get out of my mouth."

Some intriguing comments made by Dreamboat to French journalists. Expect the "lost in translation" excuse to follow any moment.

As .com have noted, Dreamboat's comments don't necessarily mean that we have JFK to thank for finally doing something useful and helping us to retain a player who has since underlined his considerable value to the team in the games against Villa, Everton and Cardiff. In fact, they imply that JFK was instrumental in the "official" line put out by the club that Dreamboat refused to play against Man City and West Ham as a result of the interest from Arsenal, and that the reality of the situation was actually somewhat different. Clearly it still rankles with him, despite his claim not to bear any grudges.

I think it's fair to say that supporters are well on the way to forgiving Dreamboat for his perceived misdemeanours, but it remains to be seen whether he can patch things up with JFK. Issuing a public challenge is probably not the way to go about doing so, though.

Quote of the day

"I worked very hard on several targets and we made a number of bids for players, but for various reasons - some of which were outside the club's control - we were unable to secure our targets. It was not an easy task to improve the quality of the current squad with the financial resources at our disposal, particularly in a window in which the value of players was grossly over-inflated and the demands of agents likewise. We will continue to operate in a financially responsible manner, buying only the right players for the right prices and not paying over the odds or making costly knee-jerk decisions."

JFK finally crawls out from under the rock he's been hiding beneath (or, more likely, from out of the Mediterranean villa he's been lounging about in) to spin some lame excuses about what happened - or, more precisely, what didn't happen - in the summer. I wonder how many people who invested in Saturday's programme did so to read that toss?

Director's cut?

So Damien Comolli thinks Man Utd would benefit from having a director of football, does he? The statement might have been a transparent attempt to fish for a prestigious new job, but if the Red Devils really do want a director of football, they'd be extremely welcome to have ours...

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Well, at least the powers that be were decent enough not to make the Silver Fox to defend our transfer window failings to a cackling media in person. Instead, a short formal statement appeared on the official site in his name. I imagine the situation being akin to a man being forced at gunpoint to sign his own death warrant. It's beyond me why he should even have to go through the farce of pretending to be content with what he's got and why JFK isn't the one thrown to the press pack like a particularly juicy bone.

Anyway, let's take a look at what the Silver Fox (allegedly) had to say...

"We are delighted to have brought Loic Remy to the club in this window and we believe he will form an exciting and effective partnership with Papiss Cisse."

How to begin? By accentuating the positives, of course - namely, by reminding fans of the one (admittedly quality) player we did bring in. Just surprising there's no mention of Dreamboat not departing - though perhaps that's because his continued presence on Tyneside is very much against his will...

"Joe has worked hard on numerous targets, particularly an additional offensive player. However some of the options that were available within our financial means were not as good as the players we already had and there is no point bringing in new players unless they can improve us and take us forward."

Financial constraints are one thing, but spending no cash whatsoever is another. Also, "some of the options" - what about the other options, then? Presumably they were better than what we already have, but we just didn't get our arses in gear to get them. In that final statement there's the implication that, far from us being the foolish ones, it's actually other clubs that have been left with egg on their faces, for shelling out small fortunes on recruits who will make negligible impact. That may be the case with some of Monday's panic buys, but it doesn't excuse the fact that we have discernible weaknesses and should have made decisive moves to identify and then sign players to plug the gaps.

"We did the majority of our business in the January window, signing five excellent first team players."

Hang on a minute. Wasn't the raft of January signings (all sound additions, I'd agree) a response to the fact that we'd complacently rested on our laurels last summer, signing just Vurnon Anita, and then been stung by injuries and loss of form? At the time there was talk of deals being "accelerated forwards", but it's curious that this hasn't been mentioned all summer and is only rearing its head now that the window's closed, isn't it? There were hints in January that we'd learned from the lessons of last summer - not so, it seems.

"With the strong squad we have we should all approach the season in a positive, optimistic frame of mind."

Ah yes, that's right - if all else fails, bury your head in the sand about the squad's deficiencies, contradicting everything you've said over the past four months, and just rely on blind, stupid faith. Because, of course, that always works out well. The use of the word "should" (rather than "can") is particularly telling - we're being instructed how to view the forthcoming campaign, with any dissent and negativity depicted as detrimental to the club.

One thing conspicuous by its absence in all that, then: an apology.

No news isn't good news

And so, once again, while everyone else leaves everything to the very last minute but still manages to secure beneficial deals, we're left with the "dog ate my homework" excuses - excuses that it'll be left to the Silver Fox to deliver, even though the failure is through no fault of his own.

With West Brom picking up Victor Anichebe and the Mackems' Stephane Sessegnon to bolster their goalshy attack and Arsenal spunking £42.5m on the admittedly brilliant Mesut Ozil, we were confirmed as the only Premier League club not to spend a single penny in the transfer window, the loan deal for Loic Remy our sole bit of business.

It wasn't even as though there seemed to be even the pretence of any effort. We reportedly put in a bid for Watford 'keeper Jonathan Bond, but that appears to have come to nothing. Demba Ba was linked with a move, though only to Arsenal or West Ham, and in the end stayed put as Chelsea rather surprisingly allowed Romelu Lukaku to leave on loan instead, joining Everton to fill the hole left by Anichebe. The Belgian would have been perfect for us - as would Ba, in truth.

Meanwhile, Andre Ayew and Bafetimbi Gomis also remained with their clubs, the latter responding to speculation by apologetically confirming as much on Twitter, and Villa - a club of similar stature and predicament to ourselves - were able to go out and sign an Czech international striker from Lazio, top scorer in last season's Europa League, for a very reasonable £7m.

I suppose that if there's any consolation, it's that Arsenal's preoccupation with the Ozil deal resulted in Dreamboat remaining on Tyneside, no follow-up bid having been received. The Frenchman has serious bridges to build, and there will be question marks over his commitment to the club (after all, he was clearly agitating for the move), but we do need someone who can pull strings in central midfield. It was also a relief when Arsene Wenger brought in Palermo 'keeper Emiliano Viviano, eradicating fears that the Gunners could still steal Tim Krul away too, while Gabby Logan declared: "Phew so relieved that NUFC haven't made a bad signing." Tongue firmly lodged in cheek there, I think...

Let's allow JFK the final word, though. "Judge me on my signings", he confidently declared. Well, OK - we will. You're a first-rate clueless cretin. Get out of our club.

How low can you go, Joe?

Hands up whose idea it was to allow JFK to speak directly to the media again? At least the interview for the Mirror was conducted by someone other than Simon Bird - probably wise if the rag wants to be preserve its claim to be a family newspaper...

Needless to say, JFK's pronouncements consisted of the usual bollocks. To take just two examples...

"I don’t understand where the negativity has come from – we are two games into a 38-game season and already the doom-and-gloom merchants are looking for a scapegoat."

Even if he's ignorant of our struggles last season, it's bizarre that he seems unable to comprehend the frustration at our inactivity over the summer. The word "scapegoat" suggests an undeserving fall guy - but JFK is hardly undeserving of the flak coming his way. If you're appointed to a position well above your capabilities, make a host of boastful promises and then spectacularly fail to deliver on them, then - like a former US president - you're there to be shot at from a grassy knoll.

"Before the season started, we had sat down and agreed the squad was big enough, and strong enough, to finish in the top half of the table. But we are working together – not plotting against each other. There seems to be a perception, from outside the club, that we are at loggerheads, but I don’t know why people are jumping on the bandwagon because it is a false picture."

So, JFK, you're claiming the existing squad is big and strong enough while the Silver Fox publicly demands investment in reinforcements. I wonder what it was exactly that gave people the impression you might be "at loggerheads"...

Perhaps most infuriating of all, though, was his mention of what's been going on behind the scenes: "Last week we flew to Nice, and we were met by a private helicopter transfer to Mike Ashley’s yacht off St Tropez, and we spent seven hours thrashing out every idea, and how we plan to take the club forward." Quite apart from the fact that this is in part a smug and vulgar brag and hints at a culture of extravagance at odds with the parsimonious philosophy Jabba appears to have embraced, you have to wonder why on earth such a summit meeting only took place last week. Surely it should have happened within a week of the previous season ending - or, failing that, almost immediately after JFK's appointment. As ever with this club, common sense appears to be in spectacularly short supply.

Mackem Mick won't play second fiddle to JFK

When the Silver Fox asked JFK to go out and get him a striker, he probably didn't envisage his boss returning with a Mackem who last turned out for us more than 30 years ago. Needless to say, JFK couldn't even get that deal "over the line" (to use the Silver Fox's favourite phrase), with Mick Harford rejecting a second move to St James' Park.

Announcing his decision, Harford said: "It was an honour to be asked to work at a fantastic club." However, the fact that he's a friend and former colleague of JFK and yet still turned down the offer of becoming his deputy in favour of the assistant manager's job at perennial Championship strugglers Millwall speaks volumes about how attractive a proposition we are at the present moment - to players and backroom staff alike.

The manager bites back

As you might have anticipated, the Silver Fox's first public pronouncements since the reappointment of JFK made for interesting reading.

Much of his energy was, predictably, directed at vigorously defending his own apparently precarious status and position amidst the shake-up: "I'm my own man and I will manage this football club to the best of my ability". (Some would suggest that "the best of my ability" doesn't really amount to an awful lot, but I'll let that go.)

However, he also took the opportunity to take a couple of nicely subtle swipes at the man Jabba's brought in for him to report to. The first was evidence of his disgruntlement at the way his players have had their names mangled: "Some of the things Joe said, he's apologised for, especially getting the names wrong of our players. That needs to be corrected, because there's a certain respect needed there". Consider your wrist slapped, JFK.

The second jibe was buried within the Silver Fox's attempt to rationalise the departure of Derek Llambias: "Mike feels Joe probably knows the scene better than Derek. That might be Mike's opinion, but as far as I'm concerned the most important factor for Joe is transfers". In other words, and by implication, Jabba's opinion that JFK is an upgrade on Llambiarse is wrong. I don't doubt it.

The Silver Fox also struggled to communicate exactly how the new off-pitch structure will operate in practice. Certainly it seems somewhat convoluted, with individual roles somewhat ill-defined and a very real danger of too many cooks spoiling the broth - not least when one of said cooks is JFK. How long before the Silver Fox does a Keegan, driven out by what he perceives to be unwelcome and unwarranted meddling and interference?

Quote of the day

"I am not after his job. Alan knew there was a director of football coming in. He felt a little isolated and Mike sussed that."

JFK speaks.

In an interview with the Sunday Times, which the Guardian have since picked up on, our new director of football clarifies that he's only here to support the Silver Fox and hits back at the criticism he's received from the Lion of Gosforth.

While his criticisms of Shearer may have some validity in a coaching sense, the fact that he continues to air them through the press rather than simply maintain a dignified silence continues to be a nightmare. Frankly whoever is controlling media relations at St James' Park wants to place a muzzle on JFK as soon as possible.

As it is, his portrayal of Jabba as a sympathetic employer trying to put a comforting arm around the Silver Fox by employing JFK seems akin to the moment where a mafia boss hugs a previously trusted lieutenant before he is taken away and shot for some past misdemeanour.

Ich bin ein Director

It's official.  JFK has been confirmed as our new director of football on a three-year contract.

Some things really are enough to make you want to swear. A lot.

JFK managed to jump the gun slightly, going on TalkSport yesterday to talk about his role, the players in our squad and his own staggeringly large ego and Stalinist approach to historical revisionism.

If his failure to identify players names correctly wasn't just cringingly embarrassing, it might be OK. After all, the story about Big Lad hooking up with England Under 21s and telling Howard Wilkinson that SBR called him Carl Cort is a classic, and one told with warmth and affection by the player.

With JFK though, it's different. He already has form for helping to push an admittedly disgruntled player out of the club by getting his name wrong, and now he's at it again, managing to mangle the majority of the playing staff and fellow board member Llambiarse into the bargain.

Other horrendous examples of the man not knowing his arse from his elbow include the description of Big Lad as "a young kid ... getting better and better". Last time I checked he was in his thirties and entering the last year of his contract. Perhaps he meant Little Big Lad, who is younger and hopefully still improving, albeit from his Twitter account is already unimpressed with JFK's inability to get his name right.

According to the man himself, he has spent his whole life picking up the phone to Taggart and that his name will open a few doors for us in the transfer market. Firstly I suspect that most managers have had better things to do than talk to JFK every day for, well frankly, ever. Secondly, I can't for one second see how a man whose managerial pinnacle was with Wimbledon fifteen years ago is a bigger draw that a man who has taken a side to an FA Cup final and last season reached the quarter-finals of the Europa League.

Perhaps his comment "I can open the door to any football manager in the world" was just another example of him getting his words muddled and he meant to say "I can open the door for...", which makes more sense.

It should also be pointed out that any idiot can see that we need a striker adding this summer. Even I managed that, and I haven't played 400 games for Spurs.

As TBW has suggested, perhaps this is an example of Jabba reasserting his authority over the Silver Fox while also removing an excuse for failure next season.

What is clear is that if JFK is to sit above Graham Carr and the manager, then it's to be hoped that they can relate, or that Jabba and Llambiarse at least recognise that of those three the most important to our long-term future is Carr.

If JFK can keep his head down and be kept away from the press he loves so much, then we might be able to ignore him. Given that his every utterance is a PR disaster in the making, we must also hope that Wonga also use every ounce of their corporate muscle to get the club to keep a muzzle on the man.

And there was me hoping for a quiet summer.

'Kin hell, it's Joe Kinnear again

First of all, an apology on behalf of Paul. When he was putting together his proposals for what needed to happen this summer to right last season's wrongs, he failed to state that there was a blindingly obvious solution to all our woes: the reappointment of JFK, this time as director of football. Funny, that.

If Jabba truly believes that an arrogant, asterisk-loving arsehole with a dicky ticker is the solution, then I'd venture to suggest that he's misunderstood the problem. If by some miracle the move comes off, then Jabba will deserve to be hailed as a genius and sceptical fans will be queuing up to bare their bottoms in Fenwick's window - but that likelihood looks extremely remote.

So, how to react, other than with utter disbelief and a vague hope that it'll soon be revealed as a hoax or just the ravings of a man bouncing off the walls of his padded cell? More specifically, where does this leave the Silver Fox? It's hard to say, really. On the one hand, the manager has never really had full responsibility for incomings (that's been largely the preserve of Graham Carr and his team, before Llambiarse steps in to conduct the negotiations and sanction the cheques) and JFK has sought to stress that he won't have an influence over the team sheet or tactics. But on the other it clearly suggests that the hierarchy felt the Silver Fox wasn't coping and that assistance was required - so as a result he may well feel undermined and unsettled by the man who has so modestly claimed "I'm a good judge of players" and "I've got a bright head".

Of course, JFK and the Silver Fox will be able to bond over one thing: a mutual love and respect for officials... It's also quite fitting that the club should have sought to renew their relationship with JFK, given that both have recently displayed a somewhat relaxed attitude towards history - the club claiming gates that had stood at St James' Park for less than a decade were somehow historic and iconic, and our new director of football flatly declaring he'd never been in charge of a relegated team, conveniently forgetting about Luton's exit from the Football League back in 2001...

Rant rewarded

Congratulations to JFK for getting to top spot. I suspect he's always been convinced he's the best - just a shame, then, that the achievement for which he's been recognised is most prolific use of expletives in a press conference...

An effing good evening's entertainment

Cover your kids' ears - looks like JFK's soon to be back in Toon. No need to break into a cold sweat, though - he's only here in the role of token pantomime baddie. I assume there's going to be a charity swear box?

On the subject of foul-mouthed insults, Emre's been landed with a two-match ban for comments made to former Spurs man Didier Zokora. The pair are both now opponents in Emre's native Turkey. The free-kick hero of that 3-2 win over the Mackems in 2005 would have faced a longer ban if it had been proven that the insult was racial in nature. As some fans may recall, it's not the first time that such allegations have been made. Where there's smoke?

Drunk in charge

Just in case you missed it, here's the Mirror's Brian McNally claiming to have had a hand in JFK's departure. We'd express gratitude for helping to get rid of the useless arrogant tosser, but it would inflate the hack's hot-air-balloon-sized ego even further.