James knocks Man City off their Perch again

Congratulations to Perchinho, scorer of what proved to be the winning goal as FA Cup holders Wigan beat Man City yesterday - a result no less improbable for the fact that City were also the fall guys when the Latics lifted the trophy back in May. The defender who became a cult hero on Tyneside isn't exactly noted for his goalscoring exploits, having found the back of the net just once for us (albeit against Man Utd at Old Trafford), but showed a striker's instincts and determination in stealing in front of Gael Clichy to prod home James McArthur's skimming cross.

Elsewhere, a pair of comical errors from Lee Clattermole helped ensure there would be no more cheesy chips eaten on Wembley Way this season. Hull ambled to a third win of the campaign over the Mackems, to the evident delight of their ex-manager (and alleged Geordie) Ol' Cauliflower Face, during which their old boy David Meyler scored and celebrated by headbutting a corner flag in a light-hearted nod to his tete-a-tete with the Silver Fox last weekend. Steve Harper, sat on the Tigers' bench, is likely to have savoured the victory rather more than most.

Super sub's subs sink sub-par Toon

Newcastle Utd 1 - 2 Cardiff City

The Baby-Faced Assassin returned to English football and immediately claimed another victim - though this was less carefully premeditated murder and more opportunistic hit-and-run. Not for the first time, we were willing to play to perfection our part in the media's dream plot (synopsis: former super sub sends on two super subs to overturn deficit and seal unlikely victory).

The triumphs for the unfashionable duo of Wigan and Swansea in last year's domestic cup competitions should have been incentive enough for a club that claimed a major trophy since 1969. In the League Cup, we we had the misfortune to come up against Man City, but fate was certainly kinder in the draw for the Third Round of the FA Cup. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's Cardiff might be Premier League opposition, but they came to St James' without a win on our patch since six years before that Fairs Cup victory, as the joint lowest scorers on the road in the division, and with more reason to want to concentrate on the league, nervously sitting 17th in the table.

Suspension (Mathieu Debuchy) and injuries both long-term (Sideshow Bob) and hopefully minor (Dreamboat, Tim Krul) forced the Silver Fox's hand as regards team selection, but he also opted to rest Loic Remy, Big Lad and Iron Mike from the line-up that lost at the Hawthorns on New Year's Day, the trio all taking their places on the bench. In came Rob Elliot, MYM, Saylor, Mini V, HBA, Papiss Cisse and Massadio Haidara, the latter's inclusion meaning that Davide Santon switched to right-back.

There was an early warning that the Redbirds would be no pushovers when Mark Hudson headed home, the goal disallowed for his shove in the build-up, but the first period was generally very drab. Only HBA did much to quicken the pulse, striking the base of David Marshall's post with a left-footed shot from just outside the area.

Against Stoke on Boxing Day, HBA hit the bar having already hit the upright and sure enough he was again doubly unfortunate early in the second half. The rumours of discontent are troubling because, while undoubtedly mercurial and not ideal for selection in all fixtures, he gives us an added dimension that we lack even when our next most creative player, Dreamboat, is available.

We took the lead on 62 minutes when Goofy's long ball controlled by Moussa Sissoko and his blocked shot was bundled home by Cisse, for once in the right place at the right time. That should have been our cue to push harder against a vulnerable and low-on-confidence side, or at least exert control, but instead the Silver Fox decided to replace the hard-working Goofy with the feckless Obertan Kenobi, apparently feeling we could hold out by effectively being down to ten men.

In the opposite dugout, Solskjaer used his substitutions rather more judiciously. First substitute Fraizer Campbell came on shortly before Cisse's goal but rattled Elliot's post as the Redbirds fought back. With eighteen minutes remaining, Solskjaer threw on winger Craig Noone, who equalised within a minute of entering the action with a left-footer from long distance. And with ten to play, Campbell - an ex-Mackem, just to rub salt into the wound - headed home from a corner.

The Silver Fox belatedly turned to Remy and Big Lad, with Cisse and Sissoko making way, but it was to no avail and once again we crashed out of the FA Cup to opponents who - on paper, at least - are inferior.

While the Silver Fox will rightly come under scrutiny for the nature and timing of his substitutions, I don't think his initial team selection can be quibbled with. Frankly - and as he himself said post-match - the side we put out should have been good enough to win. No, this was a frustratingly familiar case of squad players failing to take the opportunity handed to them. If there's a positive to come out of another dismal cup result, it's that it might possibly nudge Jabba into parting with some cash this month.

After high-scoring victories at Palace and at home to Stoke, we've now suffered three successive defeats, with Man City the visitors next weekend. Post-festive-season gloom indeed. The only magic of the cup we still believe in is the power of copious quantities of alcohol to help us to forget...

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

The boyos are back in Toon

Yesterday the identity of our opponents in the Third Round of this season's FA Cup was revealed - and thankfully it wasn't Brighton. Instead we'll face Cardiff at St James' Park. The red-shirted Bluebirds made a promising start to life in the Premier League but have gone off the boil somewhat of late, and having won comfortably on their patch in the league already, we should certainly fancy our chances of progressing. A certain No-Necked Text Pest may have something to say about that, mind...

No respite - and no excuses either

Brighton 2 - 0 Newcastle Utd

First of all, I'd like to apologise to ITV on behalf of my team for the failure to pull off the FA Cup upset they were so clearly hoping would take place, given the game had been selected for live lunchtime transmission. What can I say - we were the plucky Premier League underdogs, after all, up against the might of a fair to middling Championship side. There's always next year, though - why not come and watch us have another futile stab at a giant-killing at Barnet next January?

Afraid I can't couch this whole report in sarcasm. So here goes... The defeat may have been predictable, given our form and injury list, but it's worth noting that our conquerors didn't win a single game in December so weren't exactly in great shape either. Quite frankly, our performance was appalling - an utter embarrassment, outclassed from first minute to last. Brighton might as well have been handed a bye into the Fourth Round.

The starting XI showed five changes from the side that played well enough but lost at home to Everton on Wednesday. Sylvain Marveaux and Tim Krul dropped to the bench, Papiss Cisse and Sideshow Bob were left on Tyneside to nurse strains and Mr T had already jetted off to join up with the Ivory Coast squad ahead of the Africa Cup of Nations. Into the team came Rob Elliot and the callow quartet of James Tavernier, Master T, Mehdi Abeid and Little Big Lad.

Our hosts made much the brighter start, zipping the ball about as we chased shadows. Perchinho headed away an effort from Gary Dicker, though it's not certain it was going in, while David Lopez - a winger operating at right-back - was giving us some headaches out wide.

Gradually we started to retain a bit of possession, but hoofball seemed to be our primary tactic from the outset, Big Lad tussling repeatedly with his marker Adam El Abd. Master T blasted a shot straight at Casper Ankergren which the 'keeper could only parry out, though no one was following in, and Obertan Kenobi embarked on the odd reasonable dash down the right.

However, it was our French winger who was then largely at fault for the opening goal. Gordon Greer's raking diagonal pass was hooked back on the by-line by evergreen left-back Wayne Bridge, who had been untracked by Kenobi. Andrea Orlandi touched the ball around a bamboozled Mike Williamson and improvised a smart volleyed finish into the bottom corner.

This appeared to deflate rather than sting the visitors in black and white, who only had a wayward Vurnon Anita drive to show for the rest of the half. The game was particularly being lost in midfield, where Dean Hammond and Liam Bridcutt were bossing the show and Abeid was utterly useless.

That changes were needed at the break was obvious. We've excused the Silver Fox from much criticism this season (rightly, I think), but on this occasion his decision-making deserves comment. The removal of Abeid was inevitable, though Perchinho's withdrawal with a knock was forced. However, it's the choice of replacements that is contentious: the Lone Ranger, to partner Big Lad up front, and debutant Paul Dummett at left-back, with Davide Santon's offensive threat neutralised by shifting him to the right. Meanwhile, Sylvain Marveaux and Shane Ferguson - both crafty and capable of creating chances - kicked their heels on the bench.

The two substitutions duly had negligible impact and shortly after the hour an already grim afternoon got grimmer. Big Lad was already on one very soft booking when he made contact with Lopez, the Spaniard's disgraceful amateur dramatics earning our skipper for the day another undeserved caution from referee Lee Probert and an early bath and prompting ASBO to take to Twitter to express his incredulity.

Down to ten men and with the Lone Ranger now the focal point of our attack - things certainly didn't look good. But, with Marveaux belatedly introduced to immediate effect, we raised our game slightly. He had a venomous half-volley well blocked by Bridcutt, while the Lone Ranger headed over under pressure, Little Big Lad had a deflected shot clawed away by Ankergren and a Dummett cross just eluded our forwards.

But then, just as we were starting to believe in the possibility of an equaliser, came the killer blow. Slick-haired substitute Will Hoskins benefited from yet another defensive error from Williamson and, latching onto an easy through-ball, slid a shot under Elliot.

It could have been worse had substitute Kazenga Lua Lua, who had seemingly made it his mission to crucify Santon at every opportunity, not shot into the side netting. The Lone Ranger did have a shot smothered from close range and Williamson another blocked by a sliding defender, but for our pathetic effort and shapelessness we thoroughly deserved to end the game goalless. Brighton won without regularly extending Elliot, and Craig Mackail-Smith had a poor game and yet still our central defence looked like it could get blown apart by a one-year-old blowing out the candle on their birthday cake.

So, our fourth FA Cup tie against the Seagulls, and our fourth defeat. Any positives? Some will say a cup run would have been a dangerous distraction from our Premier League troubles - not me, though. Why should we be glad to be out of the only competition we still had a vague chance of winning? And if defeat was actually a desirable outcome, then where does that leave the fans who left Tyneside at an ungodly hour to make the lunchtime kick-off and applauded the team despite the crap they'd just served up? Deserving of refunds, perhaps. Nobby was among those who sympathised with our plight. But sympathy is all fine and well - what we need is investment and results.

(Of course, Saturday afternoon then just kept on giving: along the south coast, a debut brace for Demba Ba as his new side, holders Chelsea, swept aside Southampton; a two-goal fightback from the Mackems just when we were hoping they'd be making their own ignominious exit from the competition at the hands of Championship opposition...)

Other reports: BBC, Observer

The future's Bright(on)

The Third Round draw for the FA Cup has handed us the pleasure of a slog all the way to the south coast to face Gus Poyet's Brighton.

Given that Brighton are currently eighth in the Championship and the run of success which Poyet enjoyed over us as a player and frankly at the present time, this game has banana skin written all over it. Hopefully though, by the time the game is played we might have found a bit of form by the first weekend in January.

Po-yet again

Brighton 1 - 0 Newcastle Utd

While not on a par with last season's humiliating defeat to Stevenage, and without doubt something of a miscarriage of justice, our umpteenth FA Cup exit at the hands of Gus Poyet was nevertheless a huge disappointment. We toiled away, controlled possession and dominated in terms of chances - but the performance was ultimately somewhat flat, as we failed to beat an eminently beatable side.

There could be no question over how seriously the Silver Fox was taking the competition, the side he sent out being the strongest available to him. James Perch deputised for injured skipper Sideshow Bob (to surprisingly good effect, it transpired), but otherwise it was the team that collapsed at Craven Cottage, albeit with a slightly different formation.

We started much the better of the two sides, Leon O'Best expertly controlling a long pass and flashing his shot just wide of the post before ballooning a presentable chance over the bar and into the stands with his head. Danny Simpson went closer after neat interplay with HBA, bursting into the box and blasting a shot that Brighton 'keeper Peter Brezovan repelled, but otherwise opportunities were few and far between.

Our hosts, meanwhile, were largely non-existent as an attacking threat, their most offensive moment of the first half being Matt Sparrow's very un-sparrow-like lunge on Dreamboat, which could have earned him more than just the yellow that probably prompted his withdrawal at the break.

We began the second period with a similar statement of intent to the first, both O'Best and Big Lad calling Brezovan into action. Dreamboat too tried his luck on a couple of occasions, but with the breakthrough continuing to elude us he suffered a moment of madness, tangling with Adam El-Abd on the turf and extending a boot which connected with the defender's ugly mug. Referee Lee Probert missed the incident, but I suspect that trial by retrospective video analysis will find the Frenchman guilty.

The Seagulls then belatedly brought Tim Krul into the game, Craig Mackail-Smith denied a second cup goal against us following his strike for Peterborough in the League Cup in 2009. And seven minutes later they had the lead. Energetic midfielder and (naturally) boyhood Toon fan Will Buckley skipped away from Simpson's lame challenge (in his defence, as the Silver Fox pointed out, our full-back would have risked picking up a second yellow had he got his timings slightly wrong), drove into the box and, not sufficiently pressured by Dreamboat, hit a wayward shot that Mike Williamson inadvertently deflected over Krul's dive. A case of deja vu - the same happened for Stevenage's opener last January.

The Silver Fox's response was to make a triple substitution, with Shane Ferguson, Dan Gosling and Raylor introduced for Davide Santon, Danny Guthrie and HBA respectively - a curious move, given that we were desperate for a goal, time was rapidly running out and we had a striker, Peter Lovenkrands, left kicking his heels on the bench. In fairness to the manager, Ferguson and Raylor gave us greater penetration on the flanks but they couldn't set up the chance we needed to breach a defence in which alleged target Lewis Dunk did reasonably well.

We were, however, denied a blatant late penalty when Ashley Barnes pulled off a diving save to push Dreamboat's 20-yard effort away - an appalling miss by Probert, even if Brighton will argue our midfielder shouldn't have still been on the pitch.

So it was Poyet and sidekick Mauricio Taricco - who enjoyed a second-half touchline spat with John Carver - who were celebrating on the final whistle, as we came to terms with the fact that we still haven't won an away tie in this competition since 2006. Nevertheless, trying to look on the bright side, Brighton were subsequently drawn away at Man Utd's conquerors Liverpool - perhaps avoiding another abject defeat at Anfield is a blessing in disguise...

Other reports: , Guardian

Quote of the day

"The first time I saw my brother do it when we were younger, I wanted to learn it as well. It was in Africa. Me and my friend were practising in gymnastics how to do a front-flip and back-flip. I wasn't the only one - four other people broke their backs as well. It was painful and scary at the time but I thought I might as well try."

Kazenga LuaLua on the trials and tribulations of trying to copy his brother Lomano's goal celebration. What's wrong with right arm extended with palm to the sky a la Wor Al, or even donning a manky old Spiderman mask you've had stuffed down your sock?

LuaLua was speaking ahead of Saturday's FA Cup visit to the Amex Stadium, our first, and said that while scoring against us would be "weird", it certainly won't stop him celebrating: "It's not like I was playing for them week in, week out". Just what we need: an old boy with a chip on his shoulder. With any luck he won't be fit enough to play...

Good goal? Not Arf

Newcastle Utd 2 - 1 Blackburn Rovers

For the most part yesterday afternoon's match was a classic case of after the lord mayor's show. But in the end a sensational goal by HBA and another from Spidermag - the latter in the fifth minute of stoppage time - were enough to ensure we avoided the ignominy of a second cup exit of the season at the hands of the Premier League's crisis club.

With Demba Ba and Mr T en route for Africa, the Silver Fox was always going to be forced into making changes, but he also took the opportunity to drop/rest Big Lad and Raylor. HBA was Leon O'Best's nominal partner up front, Obertan Kenobi returned on the right and there was another cup start for Mehdi Abeid in central midfield. While our manager could hardly have been accused of fielding a weakened side, the same wasn't true of his under-fire opposite number, Steve Kean opting to leave out both Chris Samba and surprise goal machine Yakubu.

As would have been expected with Wednesday's tremendous victory still fresh in the memory, we began at a blistering pace, threatening to blow Blackburn away within the first ten minutes. Mark Bunn had to save from Dreamboat, Spidermag and O'Best, while efforts from Dreamboat, Abeid and Mike Williamson all flew high or wide of the target.

When the early breakthrough didn't come, we lost a bit of impetus and allowed the visitors back into the game. Ruben Rochina fired a couple of warning shots at goal before his side took the lead through David Goodwillie. Tim Krul made a fine save to claw away Grant Hanley's header from a corner, but the diminutive Scot was on hand to bundle the loose ball in.

For the remaining ten minutes of the half we looked at a bit of a loss as to how to get back onto level terms, and the Silver Fox's half-time pep talk didn't do much to change that. What did, though, was his introduction of Big Lad for Obertan Kenobi ten minutes into the second period. Not that Big Lad himself was key, missing a decent opportunity shortly after coming on - more the fact that it meant HBA switching to the right wing. An unfamiliar role, but one which to which he adapted with great aplomb.

With twenty minutes left on the clock, the Frenchman embarked upon a slaloming run that mesmerised and bamboozled at least six defenders (I, the rest of the stadium and viewers of ITV's highlights show lost count) before smacking a shot past Bunn. "Technically the greatest goal I've ever seen" was the Silver Fox's assessment. Perhaps he'll be revising his opinion that HBA "can't play out wide", particularly in light of the player's apparent disgruntlement with recent bench-warming duties and Obertan Kenobi's frustrating inconsistency in that position.

A strike of such quality naturally roused spirits and raised the noise level from a poor crowd of just over 30,000, and we pressed eagerly for the winner that would mean we wouldn't have to visit Ewood Park twice in a fortnight. Our prime threat came from an unexpected source, Williamson, who clipped the bar with a header and saw another pushed away by Blackburn's busy Bunn.

And just when it looked as though a second Wednesday evening excursion to Lancashire was inevitable, Spidermag motored determinedly down the left, played a neat one-two with O'Best and dinked a shot over Bunn - a second moment of inspiration from a wide player. The Argentinian had hardly had time to remove his mask when the full-time whistle blew.

The win meant we were in the hat for the Fourth Round draw - and second out, handed an away tie at either Brighton or Wrexham, Kazenga LuaLua's Championship side having been held to a draw at home by the Welsh non-leaguers. It could have been worse, certainly (Man Utd's reward for beating Man City on their own patch being a trip to Liverpool, for instance), but progress is far from a foregone conclusion.

Other reports: BBC, Observer

Keanly contested

The weekend's FA Cup Third Round draw saw us pitted against familiar foes, Blackburn Rovers, whom we've already met (and lost to) in the League Cup this season. Unlike that tie, however, this time we've been given home advantage, for the first time in the FA Cup Third Round since 2006. Whether Steve Kean will still be in charge of Venky's (chicken) basket-case club remains to be seen, with the side struggling in the relegation zone, though at least ex-Smog striker Yakubu seems to be doing his best to keep the manager in a job.

Revenge: a dish best served thirteen years later

Stevenage 3 - 1 Newcastle Utd

To anyone who was sick of witnessing repeat after repeat of THAT Ronnie Radford goal: happy now?! Well done to our players for giving the ESPN cameras - when they were working - exactly what they wanted to see.

As had been anticipated, Alan Pardew decided to rest several first-teamers, with Cheik Tiote, Steve Harper, Steven Taylor, Jose Enrique and Spidermag sitting out the game and Tim Krul, Alan Smith, Mike Williamson, James Perch and Wayne Routledge all coming in. The changes meant that ASBO was forced to play on the left, ahead of Perch at left back, who looked about as comfortable as someone with a severe case of pubic lice.

Our makeshift left winger ASBO could have given us a fourth-minute lead with a far-post volley that Stevenage 'keeper Chris Day pushed behind, but that was about as good as it got. While we largely controlled possession in the first period, Krul was nevertheless the busier 'keeper. Stevenage captain Mark Roberts fluffed a goalwards header that was easily dealt with, but Krul was rather more severely tested by a fierce Michael Bostwick drive that he pushed wide of the post. The bearded Bostwick was regularly finding space on the edge of the box - surely no coincidence given that Smith was preferred to Tiote, though captain Kevin Nolan was also having a shocker.

Goalless at half-time, then, and Pardew decided to make significant changes, bringing Nile Ranger on for Leon Best, Wednesday's hat-trick hero having been largely ineffective, and switching to a 4-2-3-1 formation. But, just five minutes into the second period, lackadaisical defending from Danny Simpson allowed Stacy Long to fire in a shot which deflected off Williamson's head and past Krul, who had dived the other way. Unlucky yes - but not undeserved.

Worse was to follow five minutes later, when after a passage of sloppy play Bostwick finally did get the better of Krul, rattling a shot in off the post. That was our cue to start going for broke and leaving gaping holes at the back. Part of our problem had been the lack of protection offered to a shaky defence by our midfield, and the arrival of Tiote should have resolved that - but instead, within twelve minutes of replacing Smith, the Ivorian had earned his first red card in black and white. ASBO et al rightly protested that he won the ball, but the way he launched himself into the challenge, both feet very much airborne, meant that an early bath was inevitable - and he now misses the trip to the Dark Place this Sunday.

With what seemed like a half-hearted effort, we continued to try to score, and finally did so when ASBO rocketed in a long-range shot in injury time. The prospect of an improbable and unmerited equaliser flashed briefly before our eyes, until John Mousinho helped set up Peter Winn for a neat clipped finish over Krul on the counter-attack and ensure a final scoreline of 3-1.

Sometimes it's reassuring to be able to blame results on freakish circumstances or bad refereeing. But the simple truth is that the Hertfordshire side showed more determination, desire and - at times - quality to beat us, whereas our mob seemed to think that just turning up would be enough.

Premier League survival is clearly key, and at least the Mackems and Smogs both also slumped to humiliating Cup losses. But this was a deeply damaging defeat that will haunt us for years to come, regardless of our final league position - a punch to the face much like that received by Stevenage left back Scott Laird from one of his own supporters during the post-match pitch invasion. Humble pie tasted sweet on Wednesday evening, but now it's got a decidedly sour, bitter flavour.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Lads on tour

New year, new surroundings. That's the case for three of our youngsters, who've been sent out on loan to gain experience. Defender James Tavernier and Faroe Islands international forward Joan Simun Edmundsson don't find themselves far from home, having pitched up Blue Square Bet Premier outfit Gateshead. Completing the trio, defender Matthew Grieve has joined managerless League Two side Stockport as part of a quadruple signing. We should hopefully be able to get reports on Grieve's performances and progress from Hatters fan Scarf, a fellow regular contributor on The Two Unfortunates.

Meanwhile, in the build-up to tomorrow's FA Cup tie with Stevenage, the BBC have been speaking to Steve Howey and former Borough manager Paul Fairclough about our ill-tempered 1998 clash, while the Hertfordshire side's current boss Graham Westley has been chuntering on about righting the 1998 "injustice". Alan Pardew's given them a glimmer of hope too, by hinting heavily that he'll rest several first-teamers after a busy festive period ahead of the derby next Sunday: "It worries me because it's the end of a cycle of games that has been too much".

Talking of the Mackems, how mean-spirited of Ol' Cauliflower Face to stop Asamoah Gyan taking his planned winter break...

And finally, if you're in the Ipswich area and are on the lookout for a dog-walker with time on his hands, then you could be in luck.