No Cottage industry

Fulham 1 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Maybe the Silver Fox's actions on the touchline at Hull were rational and sensible after all. In the wake of yesterday's game at Craven Cottage, getting himself banned from the stadium so that, unlike us, he didn't have to witness the performance of the away side looked a very shrewd move.

In truth, though, he did apparently watch the game, in his hotel room. Such was the quality of what he saw that it presumably wasn't long before he did an Alan Partridge: got drunk and rang reception to ask "Can you make pornography come on my telly please?"

Going into the game Fulham had lost their previous four at home, not won anywhere in nine and not kept a clean sheet in fourteen - so the appearance of the Newcastle team bus on Fulham Palace Road must have been a real sight for sore eyes, given the Cottagers had beaten us on their own turf in each of the last four campaigns.

Our cause was certainly not helped by the injuries to French duo Loic Remy and Mathieu Debuchy, who were replaced in the starting line-up by Papiss Cisse and fit-again skipper Sideshow Bob, whose return shunted MYM out to right-back.

Meanwhile, Felix Magath, Fulham's third manager of the season, reacted to the 3-1 defeat at Cardiff that left them adrift at the foot of the table by dropping five players including Maarten Stekelenburg, Tim Krul's rival for the Dutch number 1 shirt, and Kostas Mitroglou, the £11m January signing who didn't even make the squad. It smacked of a manager who didn't have a clue what he was doing.

There was very little for either set of supporters to shout about in the first half - watching the low-flying planes en route for their landing at Heathrow would have been more entertaining than a match in which both sides were regularly guilty of poor distribution and aimless long punts. The home defence looked very nervy, Fernando Amorebieta in particular.

Paul Dummett had our first chance of note, curling a free kick over the bar. De Jong then made space well for a shot but could only send a stubbed effort trundling into David Stockdale's arms. Worse was to follow, when he miskicked an inviting cross and Cisse's prod was put behind by the Fulham 'keeper. By that point Stockdale's opposite number Krul had seen a dipping volley flash over the bar and tipped away Spurs loanee Lewis Holtby's vicious curler.

Goalless at the break, then. The three points were without doubt there for the taking, and so, while Fulham's need may have been greater than ours, our limp second-half surrender was nevertheless utterly inexcusable.

Our opponents had the ball in the Hammersmith End net within minutes of the restart, the goal chalked off for offside. The same thing happened ten minutes later as Cauley Woodrow, the teenage forward who gave our experienced central defensive pairing a real run-around, followed up after a Johnny Heitinga shot had hit the underside of the crossbar and bounced down a matter of mere millimetres away from crossing the line. All we had to applaud was the occasional storming but ultimately unproductive run from Moussa Sissoko and another dribbling shot from de Jong.

The game's critical moment came in the 66th minute, when a loose ball from William Kvist allowed Papiss Cisse a one-on-one opportunity that he fluffed - as he has all too often this season. Fulham promptly broke down their left, where first Alex Kacaniklic and then substitute Ashkan Dejagah had been posing an increasing threat. The German-Iranian winger was allowed to cut in on his right foot by MYM and seized the opportunity, driving a bouncing shot under an unsighted Krul.

Cisse was put out of his misery soon after, leaving the action to make way for Big Lad, while Sylvain Marveaux and debutant striker Adam Armstrong also came on. Our response to falling behind, however, was pathetic, consisting largely of one header off-target from de Jong and a direct run and shot over the bar from Armstrong. It's telling that the closest we came to an equaliser was when Krul, up for a corner in the dying seconds, had a shot that struck Heitinga's outstretched arm. It should have been a spot-kick, but that would have been more than we deserved.

As stacked in our favour as the odds were prior to kick-off, in terms of form, another defeat without scoring always looked the depressingly likely outcome given Remy's injury. It's no coincidence that without him (as well as HBA and Dreamboat) we carry very little threat - in de Jong and Cisse we have two strikers who couldn't be more out of form if they tried. The result (coupled with Southampton's win) dropped us to ninth, but did also ratchet up the pressure on the Mackems, who remain in the relegation zone and who are now just one point off bottom.

This tale of woe wouldn't be complete without a moan about my personal experience of the day. An ill-advised trek in the unseasonable heat along the Thames Path from Mortlake during which I got lost meant I missed the first ten minutes of the game, only to discover I'd paid £40 for the privilege of sitting in a home area surrounded by rugger-shirted toffs more interested in the Six Nations, teenage tossers complaining about the assistant referee being a "spastic" for making offside calls, and (with apologies to some of our readers) the very worst kind of American fan - club shop-fresh scarves and baseball caps, father telling chubby son things like "that's what they call a 'handleball'"...

All things considered, then, it wasn't the most enjoyable afternoon I've ever had. Here's hoping they get relegated, just so we don't have to go there and lose yet again.

A Fulham fan's perspective: Craven Cottage Newsround

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Ooof

Newcastle Utd 1 – 0 Fulham 

Finally, after what has felt like an eternity, we have a goal at home to celebrate. What a goal, too, as HBA cut inside onto his favoured left foot and smashed a shot into the Gallowgate goal to send the crowd into raptures and give us the win which our second-half performance deserved. As the player himself said afterwards when describing his strike, “Ooof”. 

The game itself saw us retain the same XI who had secured the goalless draw against West Ham the week before, with the only changes being on the bench where summer signing Loic Remy and Dreamboat were both available after their injury and temptation troubles had begun to clear. 

Unfortunately, the same failings which had seen us struggle to create much in the way of chances or inject sufficient urgency in our play against West Ham also continued with little for either set of fans to get excited about in the first half. The closest we came to a goal was Sideshow Bob’s goal-bound header from a corner, which unfortunately struck the foot of Papiss Cisse and rebounded to safety. 

Thankfully, unlike last season, we emerged in the second period as a team with a greater intent and slowly started to press the visitors back down the hill towards their Gallowgate goal. With Fulham’s twin strikeforce of Darren Bent and reported boyhood Toon fan Dimitar Berbatov both enduring off-days, the Cottagers looked toothless. By contrast, we started to look like a side at least capable of creating chances, with HBA in particular enjoying skinning John Arne Riise at every opportunity, even if his end product was decidedly mixed. 

Shola missed one decent opportunity and Cisse later hammered a header against the bar, and, with the clock ticking, the Silver Fox turned to the bench, bringing on both Remy and Dreamboat (for Sylvain Marveaux and Vurnon Anita) in a bid to get the goal. While the former was warmly welcomed, the latter endured a decidedly mixed reaction, with a combination of cheers and boos letting the Frenchman know exactly what the crowd thought of his attempts to agitate a move to Arsenal. 

Despite conceding a dangerously located free-kick as his first meaningful action, Dreamboat settled into midfield and started to show the passing and drive which we have lacked thus far, almost scoring a goal in the dying seconds. Remy too showed electric pace and drive down the left, which seemed to pick us up a gear. Further chances came and went, with Goofy (on for Big Lad) guilty of missing from a couple of yards out, before HBA took matters into his own hands to get our first league win of the season and leapfrog us halfway up the table. 

On the plus side, another clean sheet (even against a toothless Fulham side) is never to be sniffed at. Similarly, the prospect of Remy and Cabaye coming into the side definitely increases our attacking threat. 

By contrast, Cisse continues to labour in need of a goal as does his fellow Francophone Goofy. It’s going to be a long slog to January unless one of them (or Big Lad) doesn’t suddenly start banging some goals in. 

Other reports:  BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2013/4: Part 1

Saturday sees the Premier League kick off for a new season - so let's start our preview by assessing just what we're up against over the next ten months. Disclaimer: the predictions and forecasts that follow may turn out to bear laughably little resemblance to reality...

Arsenal

Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Or perhaps that should be one basket-case, given that this is unhinged arm-chomper and thoroughly detestable human being Luis Suarez we're talking about. Arsene Wenger has spent the summer single-mindedly pursuing the Uruguayan striker's signature, for which he's prepared to smash the club's previously modest transfer record - and yet that pursuit has (thus far, at least) been fruitless.

Last season Laurent Koscielny and Per Mertesacker gave the Gunners a more secure platform defensively, summer recruits Olivier Giroud and Lukas Podolski gradually acclimatised to life at the Emirates and Theo Walcott did an admirable job of attempting to plug the gap left by Robin van Persie's departure to Man Utd. But the stark reality for the club, manager and fans is that they remain without a trophy of any description since 2005 and, while with Suarez they might have the faintest whiff of a chance of breaking into the top three, without him they're once again also-rans playing for fourth place.

Aston Villa

Paul Lambert may have looked like a broken man at times last season, but survival with a few games to spare just about validated his transfer policy, team selection and tactics. This summer Villa acted swiftly and decisively to secure their key targets, all aged 23 or under - defenders Jores Okore and Antonio Luna, midfielder Leandro Bacuna, winger Alexandar Tonev and striker Nicklas Helenius. Evidence of a good scouting network and some careful groundwork - take note please, Silver Fox, JFK and Jabba...

This new clutch of youthful international talent will add to what the Villains already have, Matthew Lowton having proven a sound signing and Andreas Weimann and Fabian Delph both beginning to live up to their potential under Lambert's tutelage. Of course, most significant of all is Christian Benteke's decision to withdraw a hasty transfer request and sign a new deal, though overdependence on their star striker remains a serious danger. I still feel Darren Bent has been ostracised unnecessarily - in tandem with the Belgian, he could conceivably help fire Villa into the top half of the table.

Cardiff

2012/3 was something of an annus mirabilis for Welsh football: Swansea lifting the League Cup and thereby qualifying for Europe, Newport edging out Wrexham at Wembley to secure a return to the Football League after a quarter of a century away, and Cardiff managing to avoid crumbling like Caerphilly cheese, finally holding their nerve long enough to win the Championship and promotion to the top flight. Vindication perhaps for Vincent Tan, who had argued for the Bluebirds' controversial switch to red shirts on the dubious grounds that all the most successful teams wear red.

Tan has been equally bold this summer in allowing manager Malkay Mackay to break the club's transfer record on no fewer than three occasions, with Danish striker Andreas Cornelius, Spurs defender Steven Caulker and aggressive Chile midfielder Gary Medel all recruited. Medel will be teaming up with another infamous walking red card, a certain No-Necked Text Pest, who probably thought his Premier League days were over. More's the pity. Let's just hope he doesn't come back to bite us.

Chelsea

The ego has landed, again! In all the excitement over the return of the self-proclaimed Special One - the media swooning in eager anticipation of his breathtaking arrogance, enigmatic eyebrow-arching and entertainingly expert ruffling of feathers - few have queried the wisdom of the move. Revisiting the scene of previous managerial success rarely ends happily - not that Jose Mario dos Santos Mourinho Felix's first spell in charge ended happily either. He twice took Chelsea to the title and has since won the Champions League (as have the Blues, with Roberto di Matteo at the helm). Surely the man who could once upon a time have been our assistant manager has nothing to gain and everything to lose?

All the same, the calibre of the squad at his disposal is arguably the best in the league. Was it really only two years ago that we finished above Chelsea? That would be inconceivable now. Andre Schurrle and Marco van Ginkel have bolstered their options in midfield and forward areas, while the return of  Belgian loanees Kevin de Bruyne and especially Romelu Lukaku to line up alongside compatriot Eden Hazard makes them an even more formidable prospect. Rafa Benitez's tenure may already seem like a distant dream, but his legacy was not only the Europa League trophy but also the conversion of David Luiz, the subject of unwanted attention from Barcelona this summer, from an ill-disciplined central defender mocked by Gary Neville to an accomplished defensive midfielder. Mourinho might not actually need to work any magic of his own to lift another title.

Crystal Palace

And so to another London club whose manager's pronouncements are media manna and who have made a significant (if somewhat lower-profile) recruit from Spain. Like fellow promotees Cardiff, Palace have gone to Sevilla in search of midfield reinforcement and returned with the country's U20 captain Jose Campana. Quite a coup, though, it may unsettle Mile Jedinak, the Australian crowned the club's player of the year last season despite stiff competition from the now departed Wilfried Zaha.

Up front, while more limited than the likes of Grant Holt and Ricky Lambert before him, Glenn Murray will be hoping to prove himself another meat-and-potatoes striker unpalatable to the delicate stomachs of Premier League defenders. He's now been joined by Dwight Gayle, a revelation at Posh but an expensive gamble for Palace, and Arsenal's no-trick showpony Marouane Chamakh. However well those three do, though, is likely to be negated by a defence in which Peter Ramage is considered a stalwart.

Everton

Since his appointment as David Moyes' replacement at Goodison Park, Roberto Martinez has - perhaps inevitably - regarded former club Wigan much as a famished tramp might regard an eat-all-you-like buffet. The ink had hardly dried on his new contract when he beat us to the signature of Arouna Kone as well as getting his sticky paws on the Ivorian's Latics team-mate Antolin Alcaraz and Atletico Madrid's JJB Stadium loanee Joel Robles. Few would be surprised if James McCarthy or Massadio Haidara's chum Callum McManaman were to tread that well-trodden path before the closure of the transfer window too.

With Nikica Jelavic falling into poor form and Victor Anichebe inconsistent (except against us), Kone will serve as a focal point for Everton's attack, aided and abetted by Gerard Deulofeu, an eyecatching loan signing from Barcelona. At the time of writing at least, Martinez can still call upon the services of Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines, while Kevin Mirallas is yet another Belgian increasingly at home in the Premier League. Where the Toffees might come unstuck, though, is in defence, the Spaniard's brand of fluent football generally coming at the expense of clean sheets. Paired with Alcaraz, the ageing Sylvain Distin or the past-it John Heitinga, Phil Jagielka will probably be left feeling like King Canute.

Fulham

Fulham bade farewell to Mohamed Al Fayed this summer, welcoming luxuriantly moustached new owner Shahid Khan, and there has also been a changing of the guard between the posts, with Mark Schwarzer making the short but improbable hop to Stamford Bridge to be replaced by Maarten Stekelenburg. The Dutch international might be ten years his Australian counterpart's junior, but, at 30, he hardly helps give the Cottagers' ageing squad a youthful feel - and neither do fellow new boys Derek Boateng and Fernando Amorebieta, aged 29 and 30 respectively. All it would take for Fulham to pitch up in peril, you suspect, would be a global shortage of cod liver oil...

At least full-back Sascha Riether, now a permanent signing, gives some energy on the right flank, though Martin Jol's decision to help alleviate 'Appy 'Arry's wage bill burden by borrowing Adel Taarabt is mystifying - he couldn't get the best out of the mercurial Moroccan when at Spurs, since when the latter has repeatedly flattered to deceive in the top flight. Like the Michael Jackson statue Al Fayed erected outside the ground, you wonder how long Jol might survive in situ under the new regime.

Hull

Shahid Khan might own Jacksonville Jaguars, but it's Hull 's Assem Allam who appears determined to rebrand his club as an NFL-style franchise. Hull City Tigers? They'll be playing at the Frosties Bowl any day now... Whatever, the Tigers' promotion gives us the opportunity to renew hostilities with Ol' Cauliflower Face - one plastic Geordie following in the footsteps of another, Phil Brown. How long before we see the first half-time team bollocking on the pitch?

In fairness to Agent Bruce, he did do an excellent job at the Mackems - as did Agent Graham (£5m of their money squandered in return for no goals whatsoever). Perhaps that mutual bond is what's drawn them together. While Charlie Austin failed a medical, George Boyd signed permanently - presumably the Tigers' eye test is rather less strenuous than Forest's... Also joining the gold-clad ranks are two goalkeepers, Allan McGregor and our old boy Steve Harper - does Bruce realise he can't play them both at once? Even if he could, survival would still be a long shot.

Liverpool

You've got to hand it to Luis Suarez. It was no mean feat becoming the most odious player in a league also featuring John Terry and Ashley Cole, and now he's managed to offend the minority who felt differently at the start of the summer too. Liverpool have quite rightly attracted universal mockery and scorn for their blind defence of the Uruguayan and his various misdemeanours, so Brendan Rodgers was justified in describing the striker's attempts to engineer a move away from Anfield as displaying "total disrespect". The manager's demand for an apology is only likely to inflame the situation and harden Suarez's resolve to leave, though, and while a move to Arsenal looks increasingly improbable I simply can't see him staying at the club and being reintegrated into the side.

So where would that leave the Reds' front line? As we found out to our considerable cost, Daniel Sturridge and Philippe Coutinho are perfectly capable of wreaking havoc in Suarez's absence. In Luis Alberto and Iago Aspas Liverpool have a couple of promising new attacking options in wide areas, and while Raheem Sterling needs to rediscover his mojo, Jordon Ibe has caught the eye in pre-season. The unsentimental dumping of Pepe Reina in favour of Simon Mignolet raised a few eyebrows, but will nevertheless be for the long-term good. Nevertheless, key central defenders Martin Skrtel and Daniel Agger may both be unsettled, having been linked with moves to the continent, and flogging Rocky and Stewart Downing to West Ham for £35m less than they shelled out was an embarrassing indictment of their recent transfer policy. Sixth is surely as good as it'll get.

Man City

Long gone are the days when finishing second in the top flight, reaching the FA Cup final and participating in the Champions League group stage would have been considered achievement enough for Man City. After the high of lifting the league title in 2011/12, last season was a serious disappointment, with Roberto Mancini unsurprisingly paying the price of failure and (after a protracted pursuit) Manuel Pellegrini installed as the new man in the hotseat.

The moneymen's solution, of course, was to get the chequebook out, and £87m has been spunked on a quartet of new players - Alvaro Negredo, Fernandinho, Jesus Navas and Stevan Jovetic - all of whom promise to add to City's threat in attacking situations. Pellegrini's most acute dilemma is how to juggle all the talent at his disposal, and how to get more out of those supposed superstars the club already owned (Samir Nasri and Javi Garcia, for a start). Here's hoping the secret formula is still eluding him by the time we kick off against them on Monday evening.

Stoppage-time superstar strikes again

Newcastle Utd 1 - 0 Fulham

If you score a hat-trick, you get to keep the match ball. So, by an extension of that logic, if - like Papiss Cisse - you manage to score a hat-trick of post-90 minute winners in three consecutive home matches in the space of less than a month, surely you get to keep stoppage time? Though I suppose you'd have to wrestle it from Taggart's grasp first...

First came Stoke, and then Anzhi - and now Fulham. For nearly the entirety of yesterday's game it looked as though it just wouldn't be Cisse's day. He'd tried his luck with foot and head, from distance and from close range, and yet the ball wouldn't go in. But, to his credit, he never gave up hope and, at the death, came up with a goal that was part skill and part instinct to spark wild scenes in the stands and propel us out of the mire.

The Silver Fox made just one change to the team that went down in Portugal on Thursday, the injured Perchinho's place taken by the previously ineligible Goofy. That made for an attacking line-up with no natural defensive midfielder, Spidermag expected to perform in that role.

As fate would have it, we had a defensive midfielder on the pitch soon enough, an injury to Davide Santon continuing the Curse of the Full-Back and resulting in an early introduction for Vurnon Anita and another new role for Spidermag, now at left-back.

By that point, though, in-form Fulham had already shown they would be no pushovers, their mercurial Bulgarian striker Dimitar Berbatov firing a shot just over the angle from distance with a nonchalant stroke off the outside of his right boot. Their best chance of the half fell to Bryan Ruiz, but a tremendous Saylor-esque sliding block from MYM deflected the ball behind without Tim Krul having to make a save. The Dutchman was called into action soon afterwards, though, preventing Stanislav Manolev from finding the net from close range.

For our part, Saylor planted a header over the bar while Cisse squandered a great opportunity when played in by Sylvain Marveaux, ballooning over the bar despite Marveaux being perfectly placed for a return ball. Overall, we looked somewhat jaded after the exertions of Thursday evening, and the 0-0 half-time score did little to ease the tension around the ground - news of the Mackems' 1-0 lead at Stamford Bridge only making matters worse.

Thankfully, the players emerged for the second half with more purpose, gradually looking brighter and fresher (Marveaux in particular) when by rights they should have been more fatigued, and set about translating the pressure on them into pressure on their Fulham counterparts.

A shot from Anita that deflected onto the bar with Mark Schwarzer beaten was the first of many close shaves for the visitors' goal. Cisse was at the centre of everything, overrunning one chance into Schwarzer's grateful arms and seeing the Australian tip another shot onto the post. The frame of the goal was struck twice more in very quick succession, first by Goofy's header and then by Cisse's point-blank follow-up. Unfortunately for us, the ball wouldn't go in - and neither did referee Kevin Friend or his assistants spot that Sasha Riether had handled Goofy's initial effort off the line.

The Silver Fox threw caution to the wind, withdrawing Goofy and Danny Simpson and throwing on two strikers, Big Lad and Adam Campbell, and the former soon set about getting on the end of and missing chances. No doubt he'll be more deadly against next Sunday's opponents... From nowhere, Berbatov's header forced Krul into a spectacular tip-over, while at the other end Cisse's header was well clutched by Schwarzer as time ran out.

By this point Dreamboat was limping, but suddenly came alive to thread a ball through for Cisse, who with his back to goal flicked it up, span away from Berbatov and fired into the net. That was the cue for all hell to break loose, the goalscorer and Moussa Sissoko introducing themselves to the lower tiers of the stand and the Silver Fox also losing his cool and launching himself into the fans. He emerged dishevelled and apparently relieved of his keys (wonder if the Mackem supporters will be waving keys in his direction on Sunday?), but with a manic grin that told you all you needed to know about the goal's importance.

Our joy on the final whistle was only magnified by the confirmation of the Mackems' defeat, the results putting us five points clear of the Great Unwashed and up to 13th, above Norwich and Stoke too.

But the final word has to be for Cisse. My first born is due today - as Paul has pointed out to me, if his or her arrival happens to slip into added-on time, then there should be a serious temptation to name him or her after a certain Senegalese striker...

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Hope Despair springs eternal

Fulham 2 - 1 Newcastle Utd

That corner we turned by beating Wigan last Monday? Turns out to have led us directly into a brick wall. As is so often the case, we took one look at the opposition (no wins in seven, no goals in over five hours), remembered the season of goodwill is nearly upon us and handed them three points, being embarrassed by an old boy in the process.

Before kick-off, the signs were promising. Not only had Davide Santon, Demba Ba and Mr T all shaken off the knocks that forced their withdrawal against the Latics, but HBA was also back in action after four games out, taking his place in the fans' favoured 4-3-3 formation. At last, the creative spark we'd been lacking - surely?

It didn't take long for that pre-match optimism to evaporate - about a minute, to be exact, when Alex Kacaniklic was allowed to get into the area but skewed his shot wide under belated pressure. Danny Simpson found himself forwards and in space to deliver a few early crosses, but the formation meant he and fellow full-back Santon were given scant protection in repelling raids down the flanks.

When Fulham took the lead on 19 minutes, it was inevitable that Damien Duff - booed from the outset by the away contingent - would be involved. The Irishman got the better of Sideshow Bob and pulled the ball back for Steve Sidwell to hit a shot that deflected unkindly off Mike Williamson, looped over Tim Krul and bounced into the net off the underside of the crossbar.

Falling behind sparked no great response - on the contrary, we actually started to look more ragged, with Vurnon Anita and Mr T losing what little grip they'd had on the midfield as players were allowed to run freely at the heart of our defence. Only a fine Krul save denied Dimitar Berbatov when he'd been gifted the ball by Mr T, while the Dutchman was assisted by a defender in keeping out another effort from the languidly elegant Bulgarian.

Our best chance of the first half was an extraordinary Sideshow Bob header from nearly 18 yards that was destined for the top corner until an unfortunately positioned defender headed it up and away off the line. In the final five minutes we finally started to exert some pressure, but the Cottagers' leaky defence - shored up by the return of Brede Hangeland - held firm.

The Silver Fox's stern words at the break had an impact, with a much improved start to the second period, and within ten minutes of the restart we were level. HBA it was who conjured something from nothing, whipping in a shot that span off John Arne Riise's foot and dipped over the bamboozled Mark Schwarzer and in off the bar - a near carbon copy of the goal that had put us behind.

That was our cue to push on for a second we were more than capable of getting, but critically it was Fulham who beat us to the punch. A cheaply conceded free kick was swung in by Duff and, with Sideshow Bob again the wrong side and at fault, Hugo Rodallega had the simple task of nodding past Krul from less than six yards. Duff's celebration - eyeballing the away end triumphantly - will have ensured the booing intensifies when Fulham visit St James' later in the season.

We sought a second route back into the game but never really extended Schwarzer enough, too many shots too close to the Australian, easy to smother before the onrushing forwards could poach the loose ball. The Silver Fox withdrew the flagging HBA as well as central midfield pair Mr T and Anita, with Big Lad, Master T and Sylvain Marveaux coming on as replacements, but to no avail. The closest we came to an equaliser was Sideshow Bob's superb curling shot from just inside the area that cannoned back off the post. Cisse had earlier hit the other upright, but (surprise, surprise) was flagged offside.

In chasing the game, the gaps in our midfield opened up even wider and we were lucky not to get punished by Fulham's breaks, in some of which our defenders were actually outnumbered. Substitute Mladen Petric whizzed a shot off the angle, but Rodallega's goal was enough as the HBA-free visitors ran out of ideas and inspiration.

The Silver Fox might have ventured to suggest afterwards that we were worth a point - wishful thinking, perhaps, as there's no doubt we certainly didn't want to stumble into the next few fixtures off the back of yet another defeat.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Know Your Enemies 2012/3: Part 1

Yes, it's that time of year again when I foolishly record for posterity my appraisals of our Premier League opponents - you know, writing off sides who end up surviving comfortably and serving up puff pieces for players who spectacularly fail to live up to their billing (Roger Johnson at Wolves being last season's classic example)...

Arsenal

If you ever find yourself round Arsene Wenger's house for tea, it's a pretty safe bet that you won't find meat and potatoes on the menu. No, it'll be tapas - continental, tasty, lots of spice and zest, a bit insubstantial. The Professor has once again spunked his pocket money on European flair and firepower - Spanish winger Santi Cazorla and strikers Lukas Podolski and Olivier Giroud - rather than addressing the long-standing soft-centredness that has meant that Arsenal have been the Vincibles and not won silverware of any description since 2005.

In fairness to Wenger, he's probably hoping that one of Abou Diaby, Alex Song or Emmanuel Frimpong steps up and develops into the Vieira-esque midfield enforcer the Gunners have been so sorely lacking, and the return of Jack Wilshere can't come soon enough. Meanwhile there were signs last season that Laurent Koscielny was starting to come good and that sub-editor's nightmare Wojciech Szczesny has the potential to become the top-quality 'keeper they've been without for so long. Though Wenger may maintain otherwise, Giroud and Podolski were obviously recruited to replace contract rebel Robin van Persie - but, with the Dutchman still at the Emirates for the time being, Arsenal have a formidable array of forwards to choose from. One thing's for certain - whether van Persie stays or goes, the Gunners will need to become much less Robin-reliant.

Aston Villa

I'm not sure Villa fans do joy (or indeed anything other than dour, glum and gallows humour), but even they must be feeling close to cheerily chipper at the summer's events. First of all - and most critically - despised former Bluenose Alex McLeish was given the boot, having seen his mission to relegate both Birmingham clubs in successive seasons foiled at the death. Then came his replacement, Paul Lambert, an upwardly mobile and increasingly well-respected young manager with a hunger for success and a passion for hard work. And then there are the new signings, and in particular an intriguing trio of arrivals from the Eredivisie: Moroccan midfielder Karim El Ahmadi, Australian winger Brett Holman and (after some protracted transfer shenanigans) uncompromising Dutch international defender Ron Vlaar.

Lambert has cleared out some of the old guard, selling Carlos Cuellar and James Collins, perhaps out of recognition that the club is blessed with a promising clutch of youngsters: Marc Albrighton, Barry Bannan, Ciaran Clark, Gary Gardner and potential hotshot Andreas Weimann. Add to that the fact that Darren Bent - one of the league's deadliest finishers - is back to full fitness, Charles N'Somnia must surely improve on his first season in claret and blue, and his ex-Toon colleague Shay Given has retired from international football to concentrate on his day job, and there are plenty of reasons for the perma-grumbling long-suffering Villa faithful to at least try mustering a smile.

Chelsea

Someone at Stamford Bridge seems to have decided that Arsene Wenger's transfer strategy would be worth pursuing for Chelsea too - namely, scouring the globe and hoovering up the best forwards available. The Blues can consider themselves fortunate to have landed arguably the most wanted man in Europe this summer, Belgian flying machine Eden Hazard, and have also shelled out the best part of a further £30m on Marko Marin and Oscar, one of the stars of Brazil's losing Olympic finalists. As statements of intent go, it's quite clear - they're not happy at finishing below us upstarts, and are capable of flexing their financial muscles to chilling effect.

Andre Villas-Boas' undoing was attempting to phase out some of the more senior members of the squad (John Terry and Frank Lampard, basically) too quickly, a challenge which remains for his successor. Roberto di Matteo has the cushion of a heroic salvage operation behind him (the Champions League and FA Cup - not a bad double to win), but Roman Abramovich has shown on several occasions that he's not swayed by sentiment, unprepared to allow managers to trade on former glories and ruthless at the slightest hint of trouble. Responsibility for the Italian's longevity rests at least in part with Fernando Torres, very much the main man he wanted to be now that Didier Drogba has trotted off to stud in China.

Everton

Forever the bridesmaids, Everton missed out on European football by a whisker last season, the delight at finishing above Liverpool in seventh tempered by their Merseyside rivals' qualification for the Europa League by virtue of winning the League Cup. Had they not suffered a sluggish start to the campaign and been able to get Nikica Jelavic and Steven Pienaar on board sooner, they may well have placed higher. In the Croatian, David Moyes seems to have found a figurehead for their attack, while the permanent return of prodigal son Pienaar to Goodison Park from the wilderness at Spurs has now been sealed.

The Toffees will need the South African's guile and energy, now that mercurial loanee Royston Drenthe has left, though Leon Osman has quietly established himself as one of the league's most underrated performers. Defensively Moyes' men are sound, Phil Jagielka and Johnny Heitinga providing a solid platform and Leighton Baines- still at the club despite persistent rumours of interest from Man Utd - an additional attacking threat down the left. However, the moneymen's millions have spirited away Jack Rodwell and, while Goodison Park's corner flags may be breathing a sigh of relief at no longer being used as punchbags, Evertonians will also be mourning the departure of long-term servant of the club Tim Cahill.

Fulham

Poor Fulham. Not only have they suffered the indignity of having two key members of their strikeforce, Bobby Zamora and now Andrew Johnson, poached by their former manager Mark Hughes, now in charge of their nouveau riche west London neighbours QPR; they also looked on in dismay as Pavel Pogrebnyak, an undisputed hit on loan at Craven Cottage last campaign, spurned their advances in favour of cosying up with Premier League new boys Reading. And it could get worse, with Fantasy Football fans' favourite Clint Dempsey (listed as a midfielder, plays up front) allegedly coveted by a host of clubs including Liverpool. That would have left just long-haired layabout Bryan Ruiz, if it wasn't for the fact that Martin Jol managed to pick up Mladen Petric following his release by Hamburg.

In midfield, Danny Murphy has departed, bizarrely choosing to join the circus at Blackburn rather than bow out gracefully, but the Cottagers still boast the muscle of Mahamadou Diarra, once upon a time a 26m euro signing for Real Madrid, and craft in wide areas from Moussa Dembele and Damien Duff. Much depends on the fitness of defensive lynchpin Brede Hangeland, though a breakthrough season for exciting youngster Kerim Frei would also help.

Liverpool

As was widely anticipated, lifting the League Cup wasn't enough to save King Kenny from being deposed following a miserable Premier League campaign which saw the Reds lose as many games as they won and finish a full 13 points below us in eighth. Few beyond Merseyside felt any sympathy for Dalglish or the club, though, their campaign having been blighted by the shameful Luis Suarez v Patrice Evra affair, which was as ugly as the now-departed Dirk Kuyt. Forward-thinking football philosopher Brendan Rodgers is the new man at the helm (a sharp contrast to his surly, old-school predecessor), but the clear lesson of the recent past - namely, avoid splurging obscene amounts in the domestic transfer market - doesn't seem to have been heeded. Rocky and Jordan Henderson should stand as cautionary examples, and yet £15m has still been lavished on Joe Allen, a promising enough talent but surely overpriced given that we picked up Mr T and Dreamboat for a combined total of around £8m.

The price tag that Rocky was burdened with wasn't his fault, though, and while his partnership with Suarez hasn't worked out thus far, there were signs towards the end of last season, and particularly in the FA Cup Final, that he may yet have a future at Anfield - if he can fend off the challenge of new signing Fabio Borini, that is. Also unsettled is Daniel Agger, the subject of interest from Man City - though personally I rate his central defensive partner Martin Skrtel more highly. Should the Dane leave, Rodgers is reported to be eyeing up Ashley Williams as a replacement, which would mean breaching his gentleman's agreement with former employers Swansea for a second time. Crucial to the Scousers' chances of improvement is both Steven Gerrard and Lucas Leiva staying fit.

Man City

What do you get for the man who has everything? Well, until recently - and much to the frustration of that man, Roberto Mancini - it seemed as though the answer was nothing. The Italian had refused to allow himself to get caught up in the euphoria of City's first top-tier title win since 1968, instead looking to strengthen the squad. And what a squad it already is: a superb goalkeeper (Joe Hart), the division's best defender (skipper Vincent Kompany), midfield power and finesse (Yaya Toure) and electrifying skill (David Silva, Samir Nasri, Adam Johnson) and awesome firepower (Sergio Aguero, Edin Dzeko, back-in-the-fold Carlos Tevez, lunatic genius Mario Balotelli). It's telling that fat-salaried strikers Emmanuel Adebayor and Roque Santa Cruz, plus John Guidetti, the Swedish forward who racked up 20 goals in 23 appearances on loan at Feyenoord last season, are nowhere near the first XI.

In the wake of Mancini's public plea for expenditure, owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed al-Nahyan finally reached down the back of the sofa and found £12m in loose change to secure the benchwarming services of Everton's Jack Rodwell. It's hard to see where else reinforcements are required - central defence appears to have been identified as one area of concern, in light of the approach for Liverpool's Agger - but Mancini will be conscious of the fact that last season's title race was far more closely contested than it should have been.

Man Utd

Quite how Man Utd were within seconds of lifting the trophy remains a mystery. Multi-million-pound signing David De Gea's Old Trafford career got off to a decidedly shaky start, though he did grow in confidence once restored to the team following Anders Lindegaard's absence through injury; with Nemanja Vidic laid up long-term, Jonny Evans, Chris Smalling, Phil Jones and the previously imperious Rio Ferdinand all looked fallible; and they were so bereft of central midfield options in January that Taggart had to coax 37-year-old Paul Scholes away from a life of tea, biscuits and Bargain Hunt in front of the fire. Though that move smacked of desperation (and certainly spoke volumes for the quality of the squad), it was completely vindicated as the midfield maestro came close to inspiring the Red Devils to glory once again.

That Man Utd squandered a nine-point lead at the top would have left them smarting enough; that it was their "noisy neighbours" who pipped them to the prize, and in such excruciating circumstances, having already humiliated them 6-1 on their own turf, will be all the inspiration they need to gain revenge in the forthcoming campaign. Taggart's response has been to sign goalscoring midfielders Shinji Kagawa from Borussia Dortmund and young prospect Nick Powell from Crewe, and to make aggressive moves for Robin van Persie. If he's able to pair the Dutchman with Wayne Rooney, then Roberto Mancini - and the rest of us - will be justifiably worried.

Norwich

There might be someone new in the Canaries' manager's office, but the club's transfer policy apparently remains the same: gradually and stealthily sign up the entire Leeds midfield. Skillful playmaker Robert Snodgrass finds himself reunited with Jonny Howson and Bradley Johnson at Carrow Road, while one-time £9m defender Michael Turner has arrived from Sunderland and midfielder Jacob Butterfield from Barnsley. Their new gaffer is Chris Hughton, who we're delighted to see getting another opportunity to manage in the top flight following his decidedly unfortunate experience on Tyneside.

This time last summer many - myself included - were speculating whether two successive promotions would mean that the Premier League was too much too soon for Norwich, but their overwhelmingly British squad exhibited stereotypically British qualities - fight, grit, determination - and no little ability to prove the sceptics wrong. No one epitomised the "Let's be 'avin' you!" spirit more than Grant Holt, the journeyman striker hitting 17 goals and claiming the club's Player of the Year award for the third consecutive season. Contractual wrangles have been ironed out, confirming that his future lies at Carrow Road, and the Canaries' fate once again rests firmly on his broad shoulders.

* * * * *

Part 2 will follow tomorrow.

Fulham fathom five

A second reporter's assignment for guest contributor Adam. His debut was the disappointing pre-Christmas home defeat to West Brom. How would the team fare under his scrutiny this time around?

Fulham 5 - 2 Newcastle Utd

No apologies for cribbing the title of this post from the Bard as this was a second-half tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, albeit one performed by the Reduced Shakespeare Company as Newcastle somehow contrived to shoehorn several games’ worth of defensive errors into sixteen turbulent second-half minutes.

It had all looked so different at the interval. Newcastle had appeared the more composed side from the off and looked far more likely to score than the hosts, two Big Lad headers and a low drilled effort from HBA troubling Fulham 'keeper David Stockdale early on. (The confusion arising from the latter enabled John Arne Riise to submit a strong entry for the season’s Lowest Header award - Baddiel and Skinner fans take note). Indeed it was 24 minutes before Tim Krul was tested, gathering a weak effort from former Magpie Damien Duff which just about summed up Fulham’s first-half impotence.

Newcastle kept up the pressure for the rest of the half, with HBA his usual lively (if occasionally frustrating) self and Davide Santon causing problems down the left channel. Even our central defenders were getting in on the act, with something of a collectors' item as Sideshow Bob got on the end of a zipped Mike Williamson cross only for Stockdale to save at close quarters. Just before the break the Toon pressure deservedly bore fruit when Danny Guthrie unleashed a 25-yard belter which gave the Fulham 'keeper no chance. Back to the dressing rooms, job well done. Another 45 minutes like that and we’d be sitting pretty in fifth place.

Just before half-time, however, Fulham boss Martin Jol had replaced the injured Steve Sidwell with Andy Johnson. Little noticed at the time, this change - along with a tweak to the Cottagers’ formation - transformed the game as the previously isolated Bobby Zamora began to look more threatening as Johnson created space with cute runs. It was, however, Duff who inflicted the first wound when he tangled with Santon on the edge of the area and a penalty was awarded. Danny Murphy slotted it away and from that moment onwards Newcastle had a game on their hands.

Unfortunately that "game" swiftly turned into a rout as Johnson, Zamora and Clint Dempsey thereafter seemed to stretch the Newcastle defence at will. The latter’s first goal was rather fortuitous as the ball rebounded off his knee into the net following a fine parry from Krul. However his second, five minutes later, was much more accomplished as he latched onto a Johnson through-ball to power a shot low into the left-hand corner. And before the away end had decided who to blame the scoreline was made even worse as Fulham broke again, Krul upending the advancing Johnson and Zamora slotting away the home side’s second penalty of the game. Thankfully referee Lee Mason declined to add salt to an already gaping wound as Krul escaped with a yellow card.

Newcastle were given belated hope five minutes from time when HBA cut in from the right, tied Riise in knots and slammed a low shot past Stockdale. However any travelling fans whose thoughts strayed to another 4-4 scoreline were disabused of the notion minutes later when Dempsey outpaced our tired-looking centre-back pairing to slot home and claim his hat-trick.

All in all, a strange game, and it would certainly be remiss to overlook how comfortable Newcastle appeared for much of the first half. Nevertheless, while not quite the horror show suggested by the scoreline, the manner of this defeat must give cause for concern. More specifically, the second-half bruising inflicted by Fulham’s attacking trio bore uncanny similarities to the efforts of West Brom’s Shane Long and Peter Odemwingie who made hay at St James’ Park last month. Our difficulties in containing Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge earlier in December also point to an inconvenient truth: that however solid our defence has intermittently appeared this season, it is vulnerable to genuine pace and movement, suggesting that reinforcement during the January window is a must.

Oh dear. Better luck next time, Adam...

A Fulham fan's perspective: Craven Cottage Newsround (which does a fine job of expressing the shellshock of the Fulham fans at the result, as well as that of those in the away end)

Other reports: BBC, Observer

The mark of champions

Newcastle Utd 2 - 1 Fulham

If, as they reckon, playing badly and winning is the sign of a good side, then on Sunday we were a very good side indeed. Forget about goal-crazy Man Utd and Man City - we were the ones turning in a performance and result which bore the mark of champions...

Joking aside, it was a worryingly laboured victory over a lame Fulham - not to mention one which owed as much to Tim Krul's acrobatics as to brace-bagging Leon Best's sharp instincts at the other end. Nevertheless, the destination of the three points was the key thing, I suppose - at some point this season we're bound to play significantly better and lose.

With ASBO flogged and Big Lad and Dan Gosling both missing, Alan Pardew opted for a strikeforce of Best and Peter Lovenkrands, while Gabriel Obertan slotting into the position on the right-hand side of midfield vacated by ASBO.

The first half was a complete non-event until the 43rd minute, our display characterised by a lack of imagination and movement. The normally reliable crowd offered little encouragement either, grumbling about each misplaced pass and only really mustering enthusiasm for barracking Damien Duff with chants of "There's only one greedy bastard". Fulham, for their part, had a shot that deflected off Steven Taylor's head and flew into the Gallowgate while generally looking neat and tidy (Moussa Dembele in particular catching the eye in the role of playmaker and orchestrator), though carrying little threat.

With half-time fast approaching, Mark Schwarzer made a good low save to clutch Spidermag's well-directed downward header from Mr T's cross, and suddenly and belated the game sparked into life. Best had a shot blocked, Yohan Cabaye's fierce curling shot following a partially cleared corner was tipped over at full stretch by Schwarzer and from the subsequent corner Ryan Taylor volleyed inches wide of the far post from the edge of the area.

Thankfully, our momentum wasn't halted by the interval, Best taking just three minutes of the second half to open the scoring. Slack marking from a throw-in allowed Cabaye to turn and smash a shot goalwards, and when the ball bounced just in front of Schwarzer, the former Smog 'keeper could only palm it onto the bar, Best prodding into the empty net from all of a yard out. In a laughable incident so typical of us, he then clashed heads with Lovenkrands during the celebration, the Dane requiring treatment before being withdrawn for Demba Ba shortly after the hour.

By that point, though, Krul had already begun excelling himself, diverting a Steve Sidwell header over via the top of the bar. The cross had come from Duff, who, perhaps inspired by the boos, looked to be the visiting player most determined to get his side back on terms. A run which left Ryan Taylor floundering culminated with a shot into Krul's side netting.

Soon after, though, Fulham found themselves two down. Following one of his few incisive incursions on the break, Obertan found Ba on the right edge of the penalty area. When the orange-booted sub's low cross fizzed across the goal, Best's exquisite touch bamboozled his marker and he finished low past Schwarzer. A real moment of quality from a player who's usually best described as a tryer.

That, it seemed, was our cue to rest rather too comfortably on our laurels, the players apparently content to leave Krul to secure the victory. He saved brilliantly from both Chris Baird and Danny Murphy, but, just when you thought Mohamed Al Fayed might be busy concocting one of his conspiracy theories, the Dutchman was finally beaten two minutes from the end of normal time when Clint Dempsey was afforded space to head in Murphy's free-kick.

By that point we were already shaking our heads in bemusement at the fact that a hand injury to Best's replacement Haris Vuckic after just seven minutes on the pitch had meant we were playing out the game with a front pairing of Ba and a magnificently maned Alan Smith. Ba, to his credit, did at least skim the bar with a left-footed shot from a tight angle in stoppage time, but he continues to look a shadow of the player we thought we were getting.

Seven points from our first three fixtures isn't to be sniffed at, but at the same time certainly shouldn't be allowed to obscure our shortcomings, which remain legion. Overall, the squad looks weaker than at the end of last season, and we can't afford to go backwards while all those around us have taken steps forwards. Get the chequebook out, Jabba...

A Fulham fan's perspective: Craven Cottage Newsround

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Duffed up

Fulham 1 - 0 Newcastle Utd

Before we start, it's worth remembering that whether we still had someone in our number nine shirt or not, he wouldn't have played last night due to injury. Therefore, Rocky's presence in our squad would have made no difference whatsoever to the team which Alan Pardew sent out last night against Fulham.

The fact that we lost, and looked pretty toothless in attack, does however become more alarming when you think that we don't now have the luxury of thinking our leading goalscorer is only a little way shy of returning to the first team.

The game itself was a pretty tight affair, with few chances for either side. Up front for Newcastle, Leon Best partnered Big Lad as Pardew sent out the same team which had drawn with Spurs in our last league match. Unfortunately for us (and in a twist faintly reminiscent of the Shearer injury following the sale of Ferdinand) we lost Big Lad early in proceedings thanks to a fractured cheekbone courtesy of Steve Sidwell's elbow. This left Pardew to bring on Nile Ranger to partner Best.

While we did a pretty good job of closing down the space and preventing Fulham from really getting going, unfortunately we were unable to fashion any decent chances of our own - our best moment being a Best header which sailed over the bar. At the other end, Mike Williamson looked to be pushing his luck on a couple of occasions, but Steve Harper wasn't really extended.

The second half, however, saw a marked improvement in our hosts' performance, as they started to press forward and soon enough our erstwhile winger Damien Duff began to carve out chances, although his poor shooting saw us let off twice in relatively quick succession. However, a long ball over the top saw the Irishman catch Jose Enrique napping, and he had enough pace to hold off the Spaniard before knocking the ball past Steve Harper to give Fulham a one goal lead.

At the other end, we never really looked like getting back on terms, our best chance being a turn and shot by Ranger which he didn't properly connect with and which Schwarzer was able to save. Lovenkrands replaced Best late on, but the Dane never looked like finding an opportunity to get us back on level terms.

What was perhaps most alarming was the disspirited look of the team as a whole. The Rocky saga seems to have deflated the side, and our previously good team spirit, which presumably was boosted by the trip to Portugal, already looks in short supply. It's easy to read too much into one match, but with Arsenal our next opponents, it doesn't look as though things are likely to pick up any time soon. Hopefully Big Lad will be back on the pitch (presumably sporting a mask) sooner rather than later, given that he now looks our most potent attacking weapon.

What is apparent is that Pardew needs to earn his money now by getting the team to pull together again - and quickly.

Fulham fans' views: Craven Cottage Newsround, Fulham FC Blog

Other reports: BBC, Guardian