'Diff-erent class

Newcastle Utd 3 - 0 Cardiff City

A clean sheet, a victory, a change in fortunes - all causes for celebration perhaps? The guarantee of a top ten finish (albeit one which ultimately came following Crystal Palace's draw with Liverpool on Monday night) confirmed staff and player bonuses for the year - perhaps a cause for celebration for some.

However, this is undoubtedly one of oddest match reports I've written in the ten seasons we've been doing this blog, with the game itself perhaps a sideshow to the main events in the stands, with prolonged and systematic denunciation of Jabba and the Silver Fox leaving neither man in doubt as to their current standings in the Tyneside popularity stakes. The Silver Fox even went so far as to stay welded to his seat in the dug-out, sending John Carver and Steve Stone out to issue touchline instructions rather than face barracking from the stands (which at least stopped him headbutting anyone...).

With talk in the build-up to the game of walk-outs, it was telling that an appreciable number of supporters did precisely that, exiting the stadium in the 69th minute and forming a core of chanting (or should that be disenchanting?) fans near the Strawberry pub for the remainder of the match.

At some stage, a football match also briefly broke out, one in which we played much better than we have of late, albeit against a side who showed about as much commitment to staying in the Premier League as we did away to Villa a few years ago.

Big Lad was handed what, in all likelihood, will be a final start at St James' Park in a black and white shirt, and he responded with the goal which took him to joint third on our list of Premier League goalscorers, with a leaping header at the back post from a fine Moussa Sissoko cross.

Preceding that goal, Mini V had demonstrated why he should have taken more corners this season, finding the head of Mathieu Debuchy, and our French right-back struck the bar with a strong header. Why that tactic hadn't been employed earlier in the season is anyone's guess. 

Anyway, Big Lad's goal threatened to open the floodgates, with Sissoko striking the woodwork twice before half-time. At the other end, one glaring miss by Frazier Campbell and one save by Tim Krul's foot from a Wilfried Zaha shot aside, we looked relatively comfortable.

The second half saw the Bluebirds try and force their way back, with substitute Kenwyne Jones looking lively, drawing a good save from Krul and generally making a nuisance of himself. The No-Necked Text Pest also made an appearance and looked to carry something of a threat down the flanks, and from one cross Cardiff's best chance came, only to see Sideshow Bob pop up on the line with a brilliant reaction block when Krul was prone.

Having responded to the walkout by withdrawing Goofy and replacing him with Dan Gosling, we subsequently swapped Mini V for Saylor as we looked to hold out for a long-awaited win. However, with Cardiff stretched, Sissoko found space on the right before cutting the ball inside to Mr T. He drove at the box before smashing his shot goalwards. That shot was blocked and the ball fell to Loic Remy to score at the Leazes End and put another nail in Cardiff's coffin.

With the clock ticking down, Sissoko forced a corner, and as the ball found its way into the box, Remy's header fell kindly for Saylor to blast home from one yard and secure the win.

With the visitors buried and our long slump ended, this game should be a cause for celebration. However, the unrest in the stands, brilliant summarised by the Lion of Gosforth on Match of the Day later, meant that jubilation was in short supply: "There has to be a big improvement and I think [Jabba]'s well aware of that. Newcastle fans don't expect them to be in the top three but they want to have belief. They want to have hope that they can go out and score goals and defend properly. They want to have hope that when decent players become available that they can go out and buy them in the transfer market. And also when they do have good players they don't want them to be sold. It's been so frustrating for them, they're angry - and rightly so."

Where we go from here (apart from to Anfield for our last match) is anyone's guess. On the one hand, this result and the guaranteed top ten position represents mission accomplished for Jabba. We're safe. We're in profit. We've not threatened to get anywhere near Europe since we sold Dreamboat in January without replacement. We dropped out of the pesky distractions of the two cup competitions early. If everyone renews their season tickets, then frankly I can't see anything changing off the pitch over the summer.

However, if season ticket sales plummet, then it is conceivable that Jabba might realise he needs to act, either by getting rid of the Silver Fox and/or by signing some players on a permanent (or more likely season-long loan) basis. It will doubtless not have gone unnoticed that David Moyes, who kept Everton in the heady position of seventh for so long on a meagre budget, is currently without employment.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Super sub's subs sink sub-par Toon

Newcastle Utd 1 - 2 Cardiff City

The Baby-Faced Assassin returned to English football and immediately claimed another victim - though this was less carefully premeditated murder and more opportunistic hit-and-run. Not for the first time, we were willing to play to perfection our part in the media's dream plot (synopsis: former super sub sends on two super subs to overturn deficit and seal unlikely victory).

The triumphs for the unfashionable duo of Wigan and Swansea in last year's domestic cup competitions should have been incentive enough for a club that claimed a major trophy since 1969. In the League Cup, we we had the misfortune to come up against Man City, but fate was certainly kinder in the draw for the Third Round of the FA Cup. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's Cardiff might be Premier League opposition, but they came to St James' without a win on our patch since six years before that Fairs Cup victory, as the joint lowest scorers on the road in the division, and with more reason to want to concentrate on the league, nervously sitting 17th in the table.

Suspension (Mathieu Debuchy) and injuries both long-term (Sideshow Bob) and hopefully minor (Dreamboat, Tim Krul) forced the Silver Fox's hand as regards team selection, but he also opted to rest Loic Remy, Big Lad and Iron Mike from the line-up that lost at the Hawthorns on New Year's Day, the trio all taking their places on the bench. In came Rob Elliot, MYM, Saylor, Mini V, HBA, Papiss Cisse and Massadio Haidara, the latter's inclusion meaning that Davide Santon switched to right-back.

There was an early warning that the Redbirds would be no pushovers when Mark Hudson headed home, the goal disallowed for his shove in the build-up, but the first period was generally very drab. Only HBA did much to quicken the pulse, striking the base of David Marshall's post with a left-footed shot from just outside the area.

Against Stoke on Boxing Day, HBA hit the bar having already hit the upright and sure enough he was again doubly unfortunate early in the second half. The rumours of discontent are troubling because, while undoubtedly mercurial and not ideal for selection in all fixtures, he gives us an added dimension that we lack even when our next most creative player, Dreamboat, is available.

We took the lead on 62 minutes when Goofy's long ball controlled by Moussa Sissoko and his blocked shot was bundled home by Cisse, for once in the right place at the right time. That should have been our cue to push harder against a vulnerable and low-on-confidence side, or at least exert control, but instead the Silver Fox decided to replace the hard-working Goofy with the feckless Obertan Kenobi, apparently feeling we could hold out by effectively being down to ten men.

In the opposite dugout, Solskjaer used his substitutions rather more judiciously. First substitute Fraizer Campbell came on shortly before Cisse's goal but rattled Elliot's post as the Redbirds fought back. With eighteen minutes remaining, Solskjaer threw on winger Craig Noone, who equalised within a minute of entering the action with a left-footer from long distance. And with ten to play, Campbell - an ex-Mackem, just to rub salt into the wound - headed home from a corner.

The Silver Fox belatedly turned to Remy and Big Lad, with Cisse and Sissoko making way, but it was to no avail and once again we crashed out of the FA Cup to opponents who - on paper, at least - are inferior.

While the Silver Fox will rightly come under scrutiny for the nature and timing of his substitutions, I don't think his initial team selection can be quibbled with. Frankly - and as he himself said post-match - the side we put out should have been good enough to win. No, this was a frustratingly familiar case of squad players failing to take the opportunity handed to them. If there's a positive to come out of another dismal cup result, it's that it might possibly nudge Jabba into parting with some cash this month.

After high-scoring victories at Palace and at home to Stoke, we've now suffered three successive defeats, with Man City the visitors next weekend. Post-festive-season gloom indeed. The only magic of the cup we still believe in is the power of copious quantities of alcohol to help us to forget...

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

The boyos are back in Toon

Yesterday the identity of our opponents in the Third Round of this season's FA Cup was revealed - and thankfully it wasn't Brighton. Instead we'll face Cardiff at St James' Park. The red-shirted Bluebirds made a promising start to life in the Premier League but have gone off the boil somewhat of late, and having won comfortably on their patch in the league already, we should certainly fancy our chances of progressing. A certain No-Necked Text Pest may have something to say about that, mind...

Loic provides the Remydy

Cardiff 1 - 2 Newcastle Utd

Not for the first time, we find ourselves asking if the real Newcastle will please stand up. Not that we're complaining on this occasion, mind, after a fine win on a ground where Man City have already been beaten. And one thing is becoming clear, at least - we have a new goalscoring saviour to salute in Papiss Cisse's stead.

After his introduction changed the game on Monday night, it was no great surprise to learn that Dreamboat had been elevated back to the starting line-up - nor that Mike Williamson had been preferred to the man he replaced at the break at Goodison Park, MYM. What were more contentious were the Silver Fox's decision to drop HBA for Cisse, as short on confidence as he is on goals, and the selection of Mr T ahead of Vurnon Anita.

Cisse's return to the side meant Loic Remy moving out to the left - not that that meant he would allow himself to be shunted out of the action. On the contrary, he was central to a first-half team display that was every bit as good as Monday's was bad, brilliantly denied early on by David Marshall. The Bluebirds 'keeper then pulled off another important fingertip save from Moussa Sissoko's rising drive, hit with his weaker left foot.

Our onslaught on the Cardiff goal was unrelenting, though, and on the half-hour mark we got the breakthrough goal. Released into space wide on the left, Remy strode forward purposefully from the halfway line, teased defenders, cut inside and buried a shot from outside the box inside Marshall's right-hand upright.

Not that he was about to rest on his laurels, either. Eight minutes later, Marshall parried Cisse's prodded shot but could perhaps done better than to present Remy with the (half-)chance to stroke a precise side-footed shot into the opposite corner from his opener.

It could have been even better for us before the break. Dreamboat, who had taken up where he'd left off against Everton, pulling strings across midfield, had supplied the incisive pass to Cisse for the second goal, but came very close indeed to extending the lead further himself, smashing a cunning wide-right free-kick against a post when Marshall and pretty much everyone else in the stadium was expecting a cross.

That poor fortune aside, it was a thoroughly satisfying half, but we knew it was bound to get tougher in the second period. That that proved to be the case was thanks in part to Malky Mackay's introduction of Jordon Mutch, the sprightly substitute stirring things up in the middle of the pitch and supplying the pass from which Peter Odemwingie (yes, him again...) reduced the arrears. Mike Williamson was at fault, beaten to a bouncing ball too easily by Aron Gunnarson in the build-up and then unable to make amends when he slid in on the line.

That, inevitably, was the cue for Cardiff to apply some sustained pressure - but thankfully they couldn't work up a very big head of steam. Indeed, we could have extended our lead, had Marshall not smothered another tremendous close-range effort from Cisse or pushed away Dreamboat's angled drive. Admittedly, there was a scare when Mutch burst behind our defence and onto a forward pass, but Krul was off his line swiftly to snuff out the danger.

Ten efforts on target to their two gives a fair indication of our dominance (and the justice of the scoreline). While Cisse's embarrassing Premier League drought continues, Remy's goals were his fourth and fifth in English football - and the first to glean any points. We've now won as many games on the road as we did in the whole of last season - and we've reached that milestone in early October, whereas it took until May last year. Reason to be optimistic and accentuate the positives, perhaps - though with a tough few fixtures coming up, I think we should just savour this victory.

Other reports: BBC, Observer

Know Your Enemies 2013/4: Part 1

Saturday sees the Premier League kick off for a new season - so let's start our preview by assessing just what we're up against over the next ten months. Disclaimer: the predictions and forecasts that follow may turn out to bear laughably little resemblance to reality...

Arsenal

Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Or perhaps that should be one basket-case, given that this is unhinged arm-chomper and thoroughly detestable human being Luis Suarez we're talking about. Arsene Wenger has spent the summer single-mindedly pursuing the Uruguayan striker's signature, for which he's prepared to smash the club's previously modest transfer record - and yet that pursuit has (thus far, at least) been fruitless.

Last season Laurent Koscielny and Per Mertesacker gave the Gunners a more secure platform defensively, summer recruits Olivier Giroud and Lukas Podolski gradually acclimatised to life at the Emirates and Theo Walcott did an admirable job of attempting to plug the gap left by Robin van Persie's departure to Man Utd. But the stark reality for the club, manager and fans is that they remain without a trophy of any description since 2005 and, while with Suarez they might have the faintest whiff of a chance of breaking into the top three, without him they're once again also-rans playing for fourth place.

Aston Villa

Paul Lambert may have looked like a broken man at times last season, but survival with a few games to spare just about validated his transfer policy, team selection and tactics. This summer Villa acted swiftly and decisively to secure their key targets, all aged 23 or under - defenders Jores Okore and Antonio Luna, midfielder Leandro Bacuna, winger Alexandar Tonev and striker Nicklas Helenius. Evidence of a good scouting network and some careful groundwork - take note please, Silver Fox, JFK and Jabba...

This new clutch of youthful international talent will add to what the Villains already have, Matthew Lowton having proven a sound signing and Andreas Weimann and Fabian Delph both beginning to live up to their potential under Lambert's tutelage. Of course, most significant of all is Christian Benteke's decision to withdraw a hasty transfer request and sign a new deal, though overdependence on their star striker remains a serious danger. I still feel Darren Bent has been ostracised unnecessarily - in tandem with the Belgian, he could conceivably help fire Villa into the top half of the table.

Cardiff

2012/3 was something of an annus mirabilis for Welsh football: Swansea lifting the League Cup and thereby qualifying for Europe, Newport edging out Wrexham at Wembley to secure a return to the Football League after a quarter of a century away, and Cardiff managing to avoid crumbling like Caerphilly cheese, finally holding their nerve long enough to win the Championship and promotion to the top flight. Vindication perhaps for Vincent Tan, who had argued for the Bluebirds' controversial switch to red shirts on the dubious grounds that all the most successful teams wear red.

Tan has been equally bold this summer in allowing manager Malkay Mackay to break the club's transfer record on no fewer than three occasions, with Danish striker Andreas Cornelius, Spurs defender Steven Caulker and aggressive Chile midfielder Gary Medel all recruited. Medel will be teaming up with another infamous walking red card, a certain No-Necked Text Pest, who probably thought his Premier League days were over. More's the pity. Let's just hope he doesn't come back to bite us.

Chelsea

The ego has landed, again! In all the excitement over the return of the self-proclaimed Special One - the media swooning in eager anticipation of his breathtaking arrogance, enigmatic eyebrow-arching and entertainingly expert ruffling of feathers - few have queried the wisdom of the move. Revisiting the scene of previous managerial success rarely ends happily - not that Jose Mario dos Santos Mourinho Felix's first spell in charge ended happily either. He twice took Chelsea to the title and has since won the Champions League (as have the Blues, with Roberto di Matteo at the helm). Surely the man who could once upon a time have been our assistant manager has nothing to gain and everything to lose?

All the same, the calibre of the squad at his disposal is arguably the best in the league. Was it really only two years ago that we finished above Chelsea? That would be inconceivable now. Andre Schurrle and Marco van Ginkel have bolstered their options in midfield and forward areas, while the return of  Belgian loanees Kevin de Bruyne and especially Romelu Lukaku to line up alongside compatriot Eden Hazard makes them an even more formidable prospect. Rafa Benitez's tenure may already seem like a distant dream, but his legacy was not only the Europa League trophy but also the conversion of David Luiz, the subject of unwanted attention from Barcelona this summer, from an ill-disciplined central defender mocked by Gary Neville to an accomplished defensive midfielder. Mourinho might not actually need to work any magic of his own to lift another title.

Crystal Palace

And so to another London club whose manager's pronouncements are media manna and who have made a significant (if somewhat lower-profile) recruit from Spain. Like fellow promotees Cardiff, Palace have gone to Sevilla in search of midfield reinforcement and returned with the country's U20 captain Jose Campana. Quite a coup, though, it may unsettle Mile Jedinak, the Australian crowned the club's player of the year last season despite stiff competition from the now departed Wilfried Zaha.

Up front, while more limited than the likes of Grant Holt and Ricky Lambert before him, Glenn Murray will be hoping to prove himself another meat-and-potatoes striker unpalatable to the delicate stomachs of Premier League defenders. He's now been joined by Dwight Gayle, a revelation at Posh but an expensive gamble for Palace, and Arsenal's no-trick showpony Marouane Chamakh. However well those three do, though, is likely to be negated by a defence in which Peter Ramage is considered a stalwart.

Everton

Since his appointment as David Moyes' replacement at Goodison Park, Roberto Martinez has - perhaps inevitably - regarded former club Wigan much as a famished tramp might regard an eat-all-you-like buffet. The ink had hardly dried on his new contract when he beat us to the signature of Arouna Kone as well as getting his sticky paws on the Ivorian's Latics team-mate Antolin Alcaraz and Atletico Madrid's JJB Stadium loanee Joel Robles. Few would be surprised if James McCarthy or Massadio Haidara's chum Callum McManaman were to tread that well-trodden path before the closure of the transfer window too.

With Nikica Jelavic falling into poor form and Victor Anichebe inconsistent (except against us), Kone will serve as a focal point for Everton's attack, aided and abetted by Gerard Deulofeu, an eyecatching loan signing from Barcelona. At the time of writing at least, Martinez can still call upon the services of Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines, while Kevin Mirallas is yet another Belgian increasingly at home in the Premier League. Where the Toffees might come unstuck, though, is in defence, the Spaniard's brand of fluent football generally coming at the expense of clean sheets. Paired with Alcaraz, the ageing Sylvain Distin or the past-it John Heitinga, Phil Jagielka will probably be left feeling like King Canute.

Fulham

Fulham bade farewell to Mohamed Al Fayed this summer, welcoming luxuriantly moustached new owner Shahid Khan, and there has also been a changing of the guard between the posts, with Mark Schwarzer making the short but improbable hop to Stamford Bridge to be replaced by Maarten Stekelenburg. The Dutch international might be ten years his Australian counterpart's junior, but, at 30, he hardly helps give the Cottagers' ageing squad a youthful feel - and neither do fellow new boys Derek Boateng and Fernando Amorebieta, aged 29 and 30 respectively. All it would take for Fulham to pitch up in peril, you suspect, would be a global shortage of cod liver oil...

At least full-back Sascha Riether, now a permanent signing, gives some energy on the right flank, though Martin Jol's decision to help alleviate 'Appy 'Arry's wage bill burden by borrowing Adel Taarabt is mystifying - he couldn't get the best out of the mercurial Moroccan when at Spurs, since when the latter has repeatedly flattered to deceive in the top flight. Like the Michael Jackson statue Al Fayed erected outside the ground, you wonder how long Jol might survive in situ under the new regime.

Hull

Shahid Khan might own Jacksonville Jaguars, but it's Hull 's Assem Allam who appears determined to rebrand his club as an NFL-style franchise. Hull City Tigers? They'll be playing at the Frosties Bowl any day now... Whatever, the Tigers' promotion gives us the opportunity to renew hostilities with Ol' Cauliflower Face - one plastic Geordie following in the footsteps of another, Phil Brown. How long before we see the first half-time team bollocking on the pitch?

In fairness to Agent Bruce, he did do an excellent job at the Mackems - as did Agent Graham (£5m of their money squandered in return for no goals whatsoever). Perhaps that mutual bond is what's drawn them together. While Charlie Austin failed a medical, George Boyd signed permanently - presumably the Tigers' eye test is rather less strenuous than Forest's... Also joining the gold-clad ranks are two goalkeepers, Allan McGregor and our old boy Steve Harper - does Bruce realise he can't play them both at once? Even if he could, survival would still be a long shot.

Liverpool

You've got to hand it to Luis Suarez. It was no mean feat becoming the most odious player in a league also featuring John Terry and Ashley Cole, and now he's managed to offend the minority who felt differently at the start of the summer too. Liverpool have quite rightly attracted universal mockery and scorn for their blind defence of the Uruguayan and his various misdemeanours, so Brendan Rodgers was justified in describing the striker's attempts to engineer a move away from Anfield as displaying "total disrespect". The manager's demand for an apology is only likely to inflame the situation and harden Suarez's resolve to leave, though, and while a move to Arsenal looks increasingly improbable I simply can't see him staying at the club and being reintegrated into the side.

So where would that leave the Reds' front line? As we found out to our considerable cost, Daniel Sturridge and Philippe Coutinho are perfectly capable of wreaking havoc in Suarez's absence. In Luis Alberto and Iago Aspas Liverpool have a couple of promising new attacking options in wide areas, and while Raheem Sterling needs to rediscover his mojo, Jordon Ibe has caught the eye in pre-season. The unsentimental dumping of Pepe Reina in favour of Simon Mignolet raised a few eyebrows, but will nevertheless be for the long-term good. Nevertheless, key central defenders Martin Skrtel and Daniel Agger may both be unsettled, having been linked with moves to the continent, and flogging Rocky and Stewart Downing to West Ham for £35m less than they shelled out was an embarrassing indictment of their recent transfer policy. Sixth is surely as good as it'll get.

Man City

Long gone are the days when finishing second in the top flight, reaching the FA Cup final and participating in the Champions League group stage would have been considered achievement enough for Man City. After the high of lifting the league title in 2011/12, last season was a serious disappointment, with Roberto Mancini unsurprisingly paying the price of failure and (after a protracted pursuit) Manuel Pellegrini installed as the new man in the hotseat.

The moneymen's solution, of course, was to get the chequebook out, and £87m has been spunked on a quartet of new players - Alvaro Negredo, Fernandinho, Jesus Navas and Stevan Jovetic - all of whom promise to add to City's threat in attacking situations. Pellegrini's most acute dilemma is how to juggle all the talent at his disposal, and how to get more out of those supposed superstars the club already owned (Samir Nasri and Javi Garcia, for a start). Here's hoping the secret formula is still eluding him by the time we kick off against them on Monday evening.

Red spells danger

A humbling 4-1 defeat to Championship opposition: not the best way to wrap up our pre-season campaign, with the opening league fixture against Spurs just a week away.

Sporting their controversial new red home shirts, Cardiff rocketed into a three-goal half-time lead courtesy of a double from Aron Gunnarsson sandwiching an effort from Joe Ralls. We fought back with a Big Lad penalty awarded for a foul on Spidermag, but it didn't herald a storming comeback, the Bluebirds' new Slovenian striker Etien Velikonja adding a fourth for the home side.

Still, I suppose it could have been worse - the damage could have been done by the No-Necked Text Pest, who's just agreed a return to his hometown club...