Apology accepted

So Ol' Cauliflower Face and, by implication, David Meyler have accepted a written apology from the Silver Fox for the incident that has seen him receive a three-match stadium ban and a further four-match touchline ban. As the saying goes, sorry means you won't do it again - while an exact repeat is highly unlikely, the Silver Fox must be under no illusions that his pitchside conduct has to improve if he wants to avoid further punishment from the FA and potentially the sack from the club. Let's hope a line can now be drawn under the whole affair.

Heads (we win)

Hull City 1 - 4 Newcastle Utd

A magnificent away performance, including scoring four away from home for the first time this season, was sadly overshadowed by one rush of blood to the head of the Silver Fox.

However, before we get on to the negative, full credit should first be given to what was a brilliant away performance. Deprived of Sideshow Bob due to a family bereavement, Mike Williamson was this time partnered by MYM, with Paul Dummett continuing at left back in the absence of the injured Santon. Further forward, Loic Remy was partnered by Luuk de Jong, with Papiss Cisse dropping to the bench.

After an early Goofy miss, it was Hull who were on the front foot first with manager's son Alex Bruce drawing an outstanding double save from Tim Krul. Having gathered the ball at the second attempt, our Dutch custodian launched the ball forward and after a swift succession of passes the ball was fed to Mathieu Debuchy charging down the right. He cut the ball back to Moussa Sissoko who slammed the ball into the back of the net.

The home side came back, with both Nikica Jelavic and Ahmed Elmohamady heading wide when unchallenged and well placed. However, with half time looming, Maynor Figueroa's underhit back-pass allowed Remy to nip in and take the ball round home 'keeper (and shit Steve Harper) Allan McGregor and slot into the empty net.

Doubtless suitably inspired by the prospect of getting back into the fresh air having spent 15 minutes in a confined space with Ol' Cauliflower Face, Hull pulled a goal back when Curtis Davis rose highest to nod home Tom Huddlestone's free-kick beyond Tim Krul's flapping leap.

However, rather than let the home side press for an equaliser, we continued to play well, with Mini V performing particularly adeptly in midfield alongside Mr T.

Goofy it was who proved the catalyst for the next goal, with his long-range shot being spilled by McGregor straight into the path of the onrushing Sissoko, who calmly notched his second.

At which point things took a turn for the surreal.

In short, the ball squirmed out for a home throw in right in front of our technical area. Hull player David Meyler ran after the ball and shoved the Silver Fox out of his way with both hands, before collecting the ball. Pardew reacted strongly to the shove and walked towards Meyler, and effectively appeared to attempt to push him back, using his forehead instead of his hands. At which point, Meyler pushed Pardew again and embarked on a prolonged bout of finger-pointing and appeared to be suggesting that the two carry on their tete-a-tete outside.

The upshot of all this saw Meyler booked and the Silver Fox banished from the touchline.

With the Silver Fox now watching from the stands, Dan Gosling drove into the box before slipping and nocking the ball into the path of Dummett. His shot was deflected away but fell to Mini V at the back post who scored his first Premier League goal for the club, capping an outstanding display from the Dutchman.

However, it's a result which will be remembered for Pardew's moment of madness rather than anything any of our players did on the pitch.

Within hours the club had issued a statement confirming that the Silver Fox had been fined £100,000 and issued with a formal written warning. With the FA also paying close attention, the consequences for the club, and the Silver Fox in particular, look to become even worse.

While there is clearly no excusing Pardew for his actions, at the same time the mass hysteria which seemed to engulf certain elements of the media would suggest to anyone who hadn't seen it that the head butt was on a par with Zidane v Materazzi in the World Cup final, rather than a rather pathetic coming together between a man in his fifties who should know better and a Premier League footballer who shouldn't have pushed him in the first place. However, regardless of the shove, Pardew simply should not have responded. Whatever apology he issued afterwards will never remove the stain that this incident places on his CV going forward.  He's been heavily fined by the club (who frankly were never going to sack a man who has guided a club making profit to eighth in the table) and will undoubtedly be heavily sanctioned by the FA.

A dark mark against what should have been a real cause for celebration.

A Hull fan's perspective: Amber Nectar

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Off-topic

A couple of quick non-Toon-related links, in case you're interested...

First is my attempt to overlook Newcastle's deficiencies and offer an objective appraisal of Hull's progress in adapting to life in the Premier League over on The Two Unfortunates. Sod's law that, having helped the Tigers beat us, both Robbie Brady and James Chester are now injured, isn't it?

Second, Kitman is a charming little award-winning short documentary film made by the friend of a friend about Blyth Spartans legend Tony Kennedy. Worth watching for his wasp joke and the anecdote about putting Graham Fenton's boots in the oven...

Hull shitty

Newcastle Utd 2 - 3 Hull City

With the benefit of hindsight, this was a classic banana skin. The home side were unchanged, fresh from genuinely hitting their stride against Aston Villa, while our newly promoted opponents were seeking their first away win in the top flight in 21 attempts, not helped by the loss of experienced Premier League pros Robert Koren and Maynor Figueroa. We should have foreseen the fact that the Tigers would prevail - and prevail they did, deservedly so.

Not that an away victory looked to be on the cards early on. We set about showing attacking intent from the kick-off, Dreamboat and Moussa Sissoko providing thrust and craft from midfield while Loic Remy caused havoc cutting in from the left wing. Ten minutes had elapsed when Sissoko's right-wing cross was mis-hit into the turf by Papiss Cisse, only to fall perfectly for Remy to nod past Allan McGregor in the Gallowgate goal, his first strike in black and white.

Things started to change after about 20 minutes, though, as Hull's two imports from Spurs, Tom Huddlestone and Jake Livermore, started to get a grip on central midfield. The Tigers' tactic of leaving players in advanced positions in the hope of profiting by lofting underhit clearances back into the danger zone had already nearly paid off, with our back four rescued once by the offside flag, but they failed to heed the warning. When Sone Aluko slipped in Robbie Brady on the left side of the box, he drilled a shot through Tim Krul's legs.

In truth, by that point Hull could already have been level. From Brady's cross moments earlier, Danny Graham's point-blank header had been somehow clawed to safety by Krul. It was our good fortune that the prodigiously eyebrowed Toon supporter on loan from the Mackems is in such poor form - and we were even luckier with the goal that took us back into the lead shortly before half-time.

Hull had arguably been the better side since equalising, Brady continuing to cause problems on the left while Aluko's willing running dragged our central defenders around. But when Dreamboat's optimistic 25-yard drive was inadvertently deflected off the otherwise impressive James Chester to Remy, the Frenchman's finish was unerring.

That should have given us the platform to push on for a comfortable win, but instead we gifted our visitors a second equaliser within minutes of the restart. Brady was once again instrumental, punishing a foolish challenge from Vurnon Anita by whipping in a free kick that ex-Mackem Ahmed Elmohamady glanced in off the far post.

We'd taken the lead twice, but it was now far from obvious where the spark of inspiration to do so again was going to come from. Remy was being shackled much more effectively; Sissoko had faded from view, now looking leggy and lethargic; HBA kept dribbling into trouble and being dispossessed by the first defender, that claim about wanting to win the Ballon d'Or hanging like a millstone around his neck; and Dreamboat, whom the Silver Fox compared to David Frost in the week on account of his unflappable composure under pressure, was now playing about as well as the late broadcaster before succumbing to an injury. His replacement Yoan Gouffran had secured the win at Villa Park but offered nothing this time.

Arguably most alarming, though, was Cisse's display. His sole contribution of note was to cock up productively in the build-up to Remy's opener. He was aimless and half-hearted, never looking likely to even come close to ending his scoring drought. Frankly, as our number nine, he should be utterly embarrassed at being (rightly) hauled off with twenty minutes to go and us in increasingly desperate search for a winner.

Three minutes later there was a winner - just not for us. For the most part Hull had been content to absorb with ease what little pressure we could muster, but seized an opportunity to forge ahead for the first time in the match. Substitute George Boyd benefited from what passes for close defensive attention from HBA to put in a perfect cross that Aluko volleyed past Krul.

That should have spurred us to redouble our efforts, but heads went down, passes continued to go astray, HBA continued to wander into a mass of blue shirts so often he was liable for a hefty congestion charge, and the volume of groans and dissent in the stands increased. Remy could and indeed should have completed his hat-trick to snatch a point at the death, but, to the disbelief of all of us in the Leazes Stand in particular, blasted wide from what looked like a matter of inches.

For Ol' Cauliflower Face, gallingly, the final scoreline helped to exorcise the demons of that 5-1 humping of the Mackems - "the worst experience of my football life", he claimed afterwards. His opposite number, meanwhile, was left muttering about us being inconsistent and "loose", clearly and justifiably feeling let down by the players - though his decision to replace Mathieu Debuchy with Mr T in the closing minutes defied comprehension about as much as did the result itself.

No fixture is must win at this stage of the season; however, you do have to concede that, with two consecutive away days followed by the visit of Liverpool, 6-0 victors at St James' last season, on the horizon, those lost three points would have been very welcome indeed.

A Hull fan's perspective: Amber Nectar

Other reports: BBC, Observer

Know Your Enemies 2013/4: Part 1

Saturday sees the Premier League kick off for a new season - so let's start our preview by assessing just what we're up against over the next ten months. Disclaimer: the predictions and forecasts that follow may turn out to bear laughably little resemblance to reality...

Arsenal

Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Or perhaps that should be one basket-case, given that this is unhinged arm-chomper and thoroughly detestable human being Luis Suarez we're talking about. Arsene Wenger has spent the summer single-mindedly pursuing the Uruguayan striker's signature, for which he's prepared to smash the club's previously modest transfer record - and yet that pursuit has (thus far, at least) been fruitless.

Last season Laurent Koscielny and Per Mertesacker gave the Gunners a more secure platform defensively, summer recruits Olivier Giroud and Lukas Podolski gradually acclimatised to life at the Emirates and Theo Walcott did an admirable job of attempting to plug the gap left by Robin van Persie's departure to Man Utd. But the stark reality for the club, manager and fans is that they remain without a trophy of any description since 2005 and, while with Suarez they might have the faintest whiff of a chance of breaking into the top three, without him they're once again also-rans playing for fourth place.

Aston Villa

Paul Lambert may have looked like a broken man at times last season, but survival with a few games to spare just about validated his transfer policy, team selection and tactics. This summer Villa acted swiftly and decisively to secure their key targets, all aged 23 or under - defenders Jores Okore and Antonio Luna, midfielder Leandro Bacuna, winger Alexandar Tonev and striker Nicklas Helenius. Evidence of a good scouting network and some careful groundwork - take note please, Silver Fox, JFK and Jabba...

This new clutch of youthful international talent will add to what the Villains already have, Matthew Lowton having proven a sound signing and Andreas Weimann and Fabian Delph both beginning to live up to their potential under Lambert's tutelage. Of course, most significant of all is Christian Benteke's decision to withdraw a hasty transfer request and sign a new deal, though overdependence on their star striker remains a serious danger. I still feel Darren Bent has been ostracised unnecessarily - in tandem with the Belgian, he could conceivably help fire Villa into the top half of the table.

Cardiff

2012/3 was something of an annus mirabilis for Welsh football: Swansea lifting the League Cup and thereby qualifying for Europe, Newport edging out Wrexham at Wembley to secure a return to the Football League after a quarter of a century away, and Cardiff managing to avoid crumbling like Caerphilly cheese, finally holding their nerve long enough to win the Championship and promotion to the top flight. Vindication perhaps for Vincent Tan, who had argued for the Bluebirds' controversial switch to red shirts on the dubious grounds that all the most successful teams wear red.

Tan has been equally bold this summer in allowing manager Malkay Mackay to break the club's transfer record on no fewer than three occasions, with Danish striker Andreas Cornelius, Spurs defender Steven Caulker and aggressive Chile midfielder Gary Medel all recruited. Medel will be teaming up with another infamous walking red card, a certain No-Necked Text Pest, who probably thought his Premier League days were over. More's the pity. Let's just hope he doesn't come back to bite us.

Chelsea

The ego has landed, again! In all the excitement over the return of the self-proclaimed Special One - the media swooning in eager anticipation of his breathtaking arrogance, enigmatic eyebrow-arching and entertainingly expert ruffling of feathers - few have queried the wisdom of the move. Revisiting the scene of previous managerial success rarely ends happily - not that Jose Mario dos Santos Mourinho Felix's first spell in charge ended happily either. He twice took Chelsea to the title and has since won the Champions League (as have the Blues, with Roberto di Matteo at the helm). Surely the man who could once upon a time have been our assistant manager has nothing to gain and everything to lose?

All the same, the calibre of the squad at his disposal is arguably the best in the league. Was it really only two years ago that we finished above Chelsea? That would be inconceivable now. Andre Schurrle and Marco van Ginkel have bolstered their options in midfield and forward areas, while the return of  Belgian loanees Kevin de Bruyne and especially Romelu Lukaku to line up alongside compatriot Eden Hazard makes them an even more formidable prospect. Rafa Benitez's tenure may already seem like a distant dream, but his legacy was not only the Europa League trophy but also the conversion of David Luiz, the subject of unwanted attention from Barcelona this summer, from an ill-disciplined central defender mocked by Gary Neville to an accomplished defensive midfielder. Mourinho might not actually need to work any magic of his own to lift another title.

Crystal Palace

And so to another London club whose manager's pronouncements are media manna and who have made a significant (if somewhat lower-profile) recruit from Spain. Like fellow promotees Cardiff, Palace have gone to Sevilla in search of midfield reinforcement and returned with the country's U20 captain Jose Campana. Quite a coup, though, it may unsettle Mile Jedinak, the Australian crowned the club's player of the year last season despite stiff competition from the now departed Wilfried Zaha.

Up front, while more limited than the likes of Grant Holt and Ricky Lambert before him, Glenn Murray will be hoping to prove himself another meat-and-potatoes striker unpalatable to the delicate stomachs of Premier League defenders. He's now been joined by Dwight Gayle, a revelation at Posh but an expensive gamble for Palace, and Arsenal's no-trick showpony Marouane Chamakh. However well those three do, though, is likely to be negated by a defence in which Peter Ramage is considered a stalwart.

Everton

Since his appointment as David Moyes' replacement at Goodison Park, Roberto Martinez has - perhaps inevitably - regarded former club Wigan much as a famished tramp might regard an eat-all-you-like buffet. The ink had hardly dried on his new contract when he beat us to the signature of Arouna Kone as well as getting his sticky paws on the Ivorian's Latics team-mate Antolin Alcaraz and Atletico Madrid's JJB Stadium loanee Joel Robles. Few would be surprised if James McCarthy or Massadio Haidara's chum Callum McManaman were to tread that well-trodden path before the closure of the transfer window too.

With Nikica Jelavic falling into poor form and Victor Anichebe inconsistent (except against us), Kone will serve as a focal point for Everton's attack, aided and abetted by Gerard Deulofeu, an eyecatching loan signing from Barcelona. At the time of writing at least, Martinez can still call upon the services of Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines, while Kevin Mirallas is yet another Belgian increasingly at home in the Premier League. Where the Toffees might come unstuck, though, is in defence, the Spaniard's brand of fluent football generally coming at the expense of clean sheets. Paired with Alcaraz, the ageing Sylvain Distin or the past-it John Heitinga, Phil Jagielka will probably be left feeling like King Canute.

Fulham

Fulham bade farewell to Mohamed Al Fayed this summer, welcoming luxuriantly moustached new owner Shahid Khan, and there has also been a changing of the guard between the posts, with Mark Schwarzer making the short but improbable hop to Stamford Bridge to be replaced by Maarten Stekelenburg. The Dutch international might be ten years his Australian counterpart's junior, but, at 30, he hardly helps give the Cottagers' ageing squad a youthful feel - and neither do fellow new boys Derek Boateng and Fernando Amorebieta, aged 29 and 30 respectively. All it would take for Fulham to pitch up in peril, you suspect, would be a global shortage of cod liver oil...

At least full-back Sascha Riether, now a permanent signing, gives some energy on the right flank, though Martin Jol's decision to help alleviate 'Appy 'Arry's wage bill burden by borrowing Adel Taarabt is mystifying - he couldn't get the best out of the mercurial Moroccan when at Spurs, since when the latter has repeatedly flattered to deceive in the top flight. Like the Michael Jackson statue Al Fayed erected outside the ground, you wonder how long Jol might survive in situ under the new regime.

Hull

Shahid Khan might own Jacksonville Jaguars, but it's Hull 's Assem Allam who appears determined to rebrand his club as an NFL-style franchise. Hull City Tigers? They'll be playing at the Frosties Bowl any day now... Whatever, the Tigers' promotion gives us the opportunity to renew hostilities with Ol' Cauliflower Face - one plastic Geordie following in the footsteps of another, Phil Brown. How long before we see the first half-time team bollocking on the pitch?

In fairness to Agent Bruce, he did do an excellent job at the Mackems - as did Agent Graham (£5m of their money squandered in return for no goals whatsoever). Perhaps that mutual bond is what's drawn them together. While Charlie Austin failed a medical, George Boyd signed permanently - presumably the Tigers' eye test is rather less strenuous than Forest's... Also joining the gold-clad ranks are two goalkeepers, Allan McGregor and our old boy Steve Harper - does Bruce realise he can't play them both at once? Even if he could, survival would still be a long shot.

Liverpool

You've got to hand it to Luis Suarez. It was no mean feat becoming the most odious player in a league also featuring John Terry and Ashley Cole, and now he's managed to offend the minority who felt differently at the start of the summer too. Liverpool have quite rightly attracted universal mockery and scorn for their blind defence of the Uruguayan and his various misdemeanours, so Brendan Rodgers was justified in describing the striker's attempts to engineer a move away from Anfield as displaying "total disrespect". The manager's demand for an apology is only likely to inflame the situation and harden Suarez's resolve to leave, though, and while a move to Arsenal looks increasingly improbable I simply can't see him staying at the club and being reintegrated into the side.

So where would that leave the Reds' front line? As we found out to our considerable cost, Daniel Sturridge and Philippe Coutinho are perfectly capable of wreaking havoc in Suarez's absence. In Luis Alberto and Iago Aspas Liverpool have a couple of promising new attacking options in wide areas, and while Raheem Sterling needs to rediscover his mojo, Jordon Ibe has caught the eye in pre-season. The unsentimental dumping of Pepe Reina in favour of Simon Mignolet raised a few eyebrows, but will nevertheless be for the long-term good. Nevertheless, key central defenders Martin Skrtel and Daniel Agger may both be unsettled, having been linked with moves to the continent, and flogging Rocky and Stewart Downing to West Ham for £35m less than they shelled out was an embarrassing indictment of their recent transfer policy. Sixth is surely as good as it'll get.

Man City

Long gone are the days when finishing second in the top flight, reaching the FA Cup final and participating in the Champions League group stage would have been considered achievement enough for Man City. After the high of lifting the league title in 2011/12, last season was a serious disappointment, with Roberto Mancini unsurprisingly paying the price of failure and (after a protracted pursuit) Manuel Pellegrini installed as the new man in the hotseat.

The moneymen's solution, of course, was to get the chequebook out, and £87m has been spunked on a quartet of new players - Alvaro Negredo, Fernandinho, Jesus Navas and Stevan Jovetic - all of whom promise to add to City's threat in attacking situations. Pellegrini's most acute dilemma is how to juggle all the talent at his disposal, and how to get more out of those supposed superstars the club already owned (Samir Nasri and Javi Garcia, for a start). Here's hoping the secret formula is still eluding him by the time we kick off against them on Monday evening.

Welcome to Hull, Harps

At the ripe old age of 38, Steve Harper could have been forgiven for choosing to hang up his gloves and put his feet up - but instead he's sought and found a new club, and a Premier League one at that. That said, his deal with Ol' Cauliflower Face's Hull City is only for a year, and he's likely to be nothing more than back-up for the Tigers' other new custodian, Allan McGregor.