We are the champions!

Always nice to see us top of the league. In this case, the league in question is the Premier League Travel Table, which sees Newcastle rightly lauded for promoting the use of public transport as a means of getting to St James' Park.

Interestingly, and despite access to the same transport network, 5under1and finish in mid-table, while anyone who has made the slog to the Madejski Stadium will understand why Reading are bottom of the pile and are joined in the relegation zone by QPR and Manure. (Presumably the costs of commuting from Kent to Old Trafford every week to see the champions counted against them.)

The full report can be found here.

To ban or not to ban, that is the question

When it was reported - primarily in the Torygraph, by their North-East football correspondent and former Journal hack Luke Edwards - that the Newcastle dressing room was split asunder, with relations between a French clique and other players having broken down, the story had the ring of truth about it. After all, that all was not well was readily suggested by the on-pitch evidence. But was it actually just a convenient narrative for the media to spin out, believable but with little or no basis in reality?

The club's response to the story was firm - first a refutation of the reports, delivered by Papiss Cisse and Mr T, and then a letter threatening the Torygraph with legal action and a St James' Park ban for its journalists, including Edwards.

The strength of this response doesn't necessarily indicate that the rumours were false, of course; what it does show is that the club acknowledged the gravity of the situation and that something needed to be done to refute the allegations immediately and unequivocally. Toiling away as we were towards the foot of the table, with confidence shot and relegation a distinct possibility, such a story could only inflict further damage if it was allowed to fester. It seemed like we were being kicked while we were down. Even in his interview after the QPR game, when he should have been expressing relief (if not delight), the Silver Fox couldn't resist taking a swipe at journalists who he claimed would be "crying into their beer" at the club's survival.

All of which makes this blog post on the subject by Channel 4 news anchor and self-professed Newcastle fan Alex Thomson an interesting read. He overstates the point - self-consciously, you'd hope - in comparing clubs that ban or gag journalists to despotic and authoritarian political regimes, and talks about such clubs doing so "with impunity". What he doesn't acknowledge is that it currently cuts both ways - hacks often act with apparent impunity too. If the club genuinely felt that Edwards was trotting out scurrilous rumour with no basis in fact, would they not be justified in taking decisive action, particularly given the sensitivity of the context and the timing of the story's publication? Would it really be petulant, childish behaviour to react as they did in those circumstances? I'd venture not.

But - and it's a big but - it's worth making clear that to take this view would be to cast doubt on the integrity of a journalist who has been in and around the club for years and who has insisted everything was properly sourced. While the story may have been damaging to the club, particularly given its predicament at the time, Edwards can't be accused of professional irresponsibility as a result, if it was indeed true. On the contrary, it's his job to report on goings-on, even if the club would prefer that those goings-on were kept in-house rather than splashed all over the back pages.

So where does that leave me? In the somewhat uncomfortable position of wanting to side with the club's stance in the hope (rather than the cast-iron knowledge) that the reports were nonsense, while at the same time fearing that there may have been some truth to them - in which case I can agree with Thomson that the ban is at best petty and at worst cynical.

The Mirror's Simon Bird has suggested that the Silver Fox's attacks on the local media have been motivated primarily by a desire to deflect negative attention away from the players and himself - probably the case whether the rumours of dressing room splits are true or not - and has accused him of ingratitude, for forgetting the way in which his achievements last season were lauded. Bird, of course, knows a thing or two about falling foul of a Newcastle manager's ire himself, having turned up to a press conference and had one call him a "cunt"...

Quote of the day

"SportsDirect News wishes to express its sincere apologies to Wayne Rooney and Triple S Sports & Entertainment Group for publishing the article 'Newcastle in shock Rooney bid', which was formulated and published without authority, merit and is untrue."

A swift and unequivocal apology from SportsDirect News for yesterday's story, which had Toon fans wondering whether it was either 1st April or 2004 all over again. In reality, it was neither. One can only speculate as to whether the "journalist" involved has this morning been handed his P45 or a sizeable bonus for driving a huge amount of additional traffic to the site...

Bring out the bunting, Wigan are down

Satisfying as it would have been to have seen the Mackems and their mentalist of a manager relegated, particularly in light of events on 14th April, it was never likely once Wigan lost at home to Swansea last week, and the newly crowned FA Cup winners' slide through the trapdoor was confirmed by last night's pummelling at Arsenal.

While the media will no doubt eulogise their silky football and plucky determination, you won't find anyone in Newcastle prepared to shed a tear - not after that succession of miserable away defeats early in their Premier League tenure, Delusional Dave Whelan's frequent pronouncements about our club and, of course, this season's extremely controversial defeat and Callum McManaman's unpunished assault on Massadio Haidara. Last night was all the sweeter for the fact that McManaman, man of the match in the FA Cup final, was stretchered off injured.

Enjoy life in the Championship (and in all likelihood without Roberto Martinez), Dave. We'll take Arouna Kone and Shaun Maloney off your hands, if you're offering.

The result also means that Arsenal's bid for Champions League qualification remains in their own hands ahead of their now televised trip to St James' Park on Sunday - they're one point ahead of Spurs and have a significantly better goal difference so only need to match their north London rivals' result. That said, given Spurs are at home to the Mackems we could still find the Gunners in the mood for a Liverpool-esque demolition job.

A score and no more

Thanks to .com for alerting us to the Football Supporters' Federation's Twenty's Plenty campaign, which calls for a cap of £20 on tickets for away fans. It's a campaign we're more than pleased to support. After all, fans - and particularly those prepared to travel the length and breadth of the country in support of their team - are the lifeblood of football. Their loyalty should be acknowledged and respected rather than cynically exploited.

Super-surgeon on the case

So Raylor has become the latest in a long list of Newcastle players to be sent to the US for treatment by regular career-saver Richard Steadman. By now he should be considered an integral member of the club's medical team...

Quote of the day

"I know people will have picked up on my comments about not caring about the result against Arsenal, which were, of course, a joke. It is definitely not the case that I would be happy for us to lose 4-0 against Arsenal on Sunday. I simply want our players and fans to be able to enjoy the game without looking over their shoulders. Even though we are now safe, we will be putting in the same effort that we would for any other Premier League game. Our last two results at St James' Park - against Sunderland and Liverpool - have been nowhere near good enough, and Sunday gives us the chance to put that right. We want to end the season on a positive, to finish in as high a position as possible and to give the fans something to cheer about on the final day of what has been a frustrating season."

Oh yes, "of course" they were a "joke", Silver Fox...

In fairness, after a draining and stressful season and drunk on the sheer relief of Sunday's vital victory over QPR, I think he can be excused his off-the-cuff remark without having to resort to dishonest excuses. All the same, in the cold light of day I'm sure it certainly didn't look very funny or clever to his employer, just as it didn't to St James' Park season ticket holders. Or, for that matter, Spurs fans who are still hoping we can do them a big favour in the race for the final Champions League spot.

Realistically, though, I suspect a tonking is indeed on the cards - we've picked up more injuries, look completely spent and are up against a superior side who will be hungry for points.

Aaaaaand relax

QPR 1 - 2 Newcastle Utd

Swansea and Chelsea had written the script for us and while we may have tried our hardest to do what comes naturally and fluff our lines, conceding an early penalty and later getting a man sent off, ultimately we couldn't fail to beat QPR, picking up the three points required to guarantee we wouldn't be joining the hapless Hoops in the Championship next season.

The most instrumental and influential players in our successful bid for survival haven't been those in black and white stripes: first the excellently named Dwight Tiendalli, then "Super" Frankie Lampard, and finally Jose Bosingwa , a man who yesterday couldn't have turned in a more clownish performance if he'd been wearing massive shoes and a squirty flower.

With Saylor missing (presumably injured), Mike Williamson was somewhat surprisingly picked as his deputy, the Silver Fox overlooking Perchinho. Our only other change was also in defence, where the suspension-free Mathieu Debuchy can consider himself exceedingly fortunate to waltz back in despite his schoolboy-like and ill-disciplined display against Liverpool and understudy Danny Simpson's solid performance in achieving the clean sheet at West Ham.

For his part, 'Appy 'Arry looked set to inflict serious pain on us once again by not only selecting a dreaded old boy in the shape of Jermaine Jenas but also Loic £emy, and typically it was the mercenary striker who drew first blood. Debuchy tugged Junior Hoilett's shirt and then made a slightly clumsy challenge on the lively QPR forward, but neither offence took place in the area - so when referee Lee Probert prodded his digit in the direction of the penalty spot we could scarcely believe our misfortune. £emy sent Rob Elliot the wrong way and our backs were immediately against the wall.

Thankfully, though, Portuguese full back Bosingwa - a hate figure at Loftus Road - soon intervened to even things up. He had actually made himself a nuisance earlier, denying Dreamboat a goal with a block, but then remembered his designated role as QPR's self-destruct button and attempted to swap shirts with HBA in the home side's penalty area. 'Arry may have moaned that it was a soft decision, but it was as blatant a foul as you'll see. HBA himself took the spot-kick, lashing home via the underside of the crossbar in a fashion that briefly had hearts in mouths.

Both sides then had presentable opportunities to forge ahead, Hoilett foiled by Elliot and Cisse by the linesman's flag - not for the first time this season, though on this occasion the officials were right to rule out his excellent header from Debuchy's right-wing cross.

Given the extraordinarily brittle nature of the two defences on display, it was only a matter of time before a calamitous cock-up took place, and mercifully it was to our benefit rather than our detriment. Rob Green rolled the ball out to Bosingwa, who rolled it back with less pace to his 'keeper. The latter's hurried and deflected clearance, under pressure from Spidermag, fell perfectly for Goofy to knock into the unguarded net from distance.

Bosingwa, like Stephane Mbia, was put out of his misery at half-time, much to our disappointment - but we remained in command after the interval, even when Mr T had to be replaced by Perchinho (a dubious choice when the Silver Fox once again had Vurnon Anita at his disposal). Spidermag had a header cleared off the line following more calamitous home defending and one-time Toon target Hoilett continued to carry a threat, but chances were at a premium and we were strolling towards victory when, with less than ten minutes remaining, potential disaster struck.

Elliot had already picked up a needless booking for booting the ball away after Probert's whistle had blown and was then left trudging off the pitch when adjudged to have handled outside his box. A furious Silver Fox disputed whether the incident took place outside or inside the area - as far as I could tell, his feet definitely strayed out but it didn't look as though the whole of the ball was carried over the line.

That meant a surprise appearance for Steve Harper, at the expense of HBA, and an extremely nervy finale in which Bobby Zamora and Andros Townsend both had efforts that had us momentarily terrified but then sighing with relief. We made it through to what was just our second away victory of the campaign, though, and with it Premier League safety. With 5under1and held to a 1-1 draw at home to Southampton, we're suddenly rooting for Wigan to capitalise on the momentum of their against-the-odds FA Cup triumph and beat both Arsenal and Villa this coming week, and for Spurs to continue their pursuit of Champions League football and deliver the Mackems a knockout blow at White Hart Lane on Sunday.

No doubt the recriminations and post-mortem inquest into how a top-five side can only escape relegation on the penultimate weekend of the following season will begin in earnest soon. For now, though, let's just take a deep breath and savour the fact that we won't be having to dig out the maps to find our way to Doncaster and Bournemouth next year, at least.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

SAF off

Taggart has finally called time on his managerial tenure at Manure today, signalling his intention to depart for a life of pointing at his watch and chewing gum while his wife potters her way around Morrisons filling the trolley with Tennants Super.

Much as I have loathed his whining, his petty spats with the press and his constant haranguing of officials, equally I've now reached a stage where behind all the dislikes there remains a grudging respect. He's achieved a lot, and for that he has been deservedly lauded.

I still can't forgive him for causing Keegan to crack as our quest to win the title in the 90s imploded though.

Of course, having signalled his intention to go in a couple of weeks, any successor presumably will need to account for him still sitting at his desk at the end of June...

Diolch Dwight!

Dwight Tiendalli - a name to join the likes of David Kelly, Liam O'Brien, Craig Bellamy and others whose goals have, at one time or another, come to signify something more than just another goal in our cause.

The fact that Tiendalli's goal came for a Swansea side safely ensconced in mid-table against a Wigan side in form and scrapping for their Premier League survival made last night's Swans win all the more surprising and no less welcome for that fact.

So, Dwight, thank you!

Little by little

West Ham Utd 0 - 0 Newcastle Utd

It's funny. At lunchtime on Saturday, if you'd offered me this result, I'd probably have taken it. A point away from home against a team who have only lost once on their own turf all season would, in the scheme of our relegation struggles, appear a point gained.

At five o'clock, results elsewhere (notably Wigan's win) meant that our solitary point left us looking at the table willing the results of 5under1and's game against Stoke and Wigan's game against Swansea to go our way, but fearing that by the time we kick off our next game we could be in the bottom three.

Now, writing this report with the benefit of knowing the outcome of those two subsequent games, it again looks like a point won, with Swansea's heroics doing a great deal to calm the nerves.

Looking back on Saturday, we once again performed like a side possessed in the first half. With Sideshow Bob back in the side we looked organised and composed at the back and, while chances were limited for both sides, we definitely looked the more likely scorers, with the principal talking point revolving around whether or not Papiss Cisse's dink past the keeper had crossed the line before it was hooked away by the covering defender. In the instant he got to look at it, our least favourite assistant referee concluded that he didn't see it cross the line (hardly surprising when you recall he didn't see all of that tackle on Massimo Haidara a few weeks ago). With multiple TV replays to pore over, it looked from at least one angle that it had crossed the line, but until goal line technology is introduced next year, we're left with the decision of the officials and they weren't sufficiently convinced.

Unfortunately, having been much the better side in the first half, we started to struggle badly in the second as our defence came under increasing pressure from old boys Rocky and Kevin Nolan. Having been a spectator in the first half, Rob Elliot now found himself much the busier keeper, producing one outstanding double save to thwart Nolan, whilst Rocky threw himself about and was just about neutralised fairly by Sideshow Bob and Danny Simpson (although on another day both could have conceded penalties for their physical efforts to impede West Ham's principal goal threat).

At the other end, Dreamboat saw a shot curl wide and Goofy almost profited from a Jussi Jaaskelainen rush of blood, only to see his effort drop wide; however, we were definitely the side under pressure.

Big Lad replaced HBA and Dan Gosling replaced Goofy, but neither was able to do much to pose a significant threat to Jaaskelainen's goal and in the end a point looked a decent result.

As highlighted earlier, when news of other results filtered through, the picture looked significantly bleaker, but with games still to play it could yet prove to be a crucial point on the road to survival.

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Staying up?

Conor Newton and Paul Dummett may have won admirers north of the border during their successful loan spell with St Mirren, but their performances evidently haven't gone unnoticed at St James' Park either, with the club deciding to offer the duo new deals.

They could yet decide to join the Buddies permanently, possibly for no fee, but Newton at least seems keen not to turn his back on his hometown club, even while remaining realistic about his chances of making the grade: "I would like to test myself down south at some point in my career, but I've only been playing first-team football for the past four months, so I'm not naive enough to think I'm just going to walk into the side at Newcastle. So the next few months are crucial for my development. But I would love to make it at Newcastle and get a chance to play in those black and white stripes. It's what every lad from the city dreams of. Right now, though, I will just bide my time."

Perhaps the best solution for all parties would be for the pair to sign the new contracts but be allowed another season on loan in Scotland (in the SPL, St Mirren having narrowly avoided relegation this season) - whether that will happen, though, we'll just have to wait and see.

Freebie focus

So Douglas is out of contract at FC Twente and available on a free this summer, then. The 25-year-old Brazilian-born centre-back, now in possession of a Dutch passport, is reportedly a target for Liverpool, but if we manage to stay up (and it's a big if) then surely we'll be keen to further our interest, particularly if (as expected) the unsettled Sideshow Bob returns to his native Argentina. International defenders of a good age who don't command a fee will be few and far between, though, so I'd expect there to be plenty of other suitors.

A Month Of Saturdays: April 2013

This time last year we were scoffing at T S Eliot's suggestion that "April is the cruellest month". Twelve months later, we've sobered up and, surveying the wreckage of a Europa League campaign and a headlong plunge towards relegation domestically, have to concede that he may well have had a point after all. Just about the only person connected with the club who might beg to differ was Brad Inman, part of the Crewe side victorious in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy final...

The quarter-final draw for the Europa League pitted us against a side with one of the most formidable domestic records on the continent, but we refused to be overawed by Benfica. Though eventually going down 3-1 on Portuguese soil to the better team, we had nevertheless stunned our hosts by taking the lead, and it could have been so different had two Papiss Cisse efforts found the net rather than the woodwork and had Davide Santon and Saylor not committed heinous errors which were duly punished.

That left us requiring a 2-0 victory at St James' Park a week later - and we came agonisingly close to pulling it off. After a cagey opening period, we came out all guns blazing in the second half, grabbed a goal through Cisse and pushed vigorously for the second. Like villainous megalomaniacs always do with James Bond, we had our opponents right where we wanted them, only to allow them to wriggle free at the last minute and deal us the fatal blow - in this instance, an equaliser from Salvio. It wasn't to be, then, but there was no shame in our two-legged defeat and the efforts of the players certainly couldn't be faulted.

The two Europa League ties sandwiched a league fixture against Fulham which seemed destined to end in a disappointing goalless stalemate, only for Cisse to reprise his role as stoppage-time superstar, scoring a home winner well beyond the 90th minute for the third time in a month. Cisse bounded into the crowd, the Silver Fox threw himself into the arms of nearby supporters and the team leapt up the Premier League table into 13th.

We went into the derby three days after that Europa League exit, and while there were concerns about fatigue, I suggested that we'd "go into the game safe in the knowledge that we've just given a far better side than Di Canio's rabble a serious fright". We had, but Di Canio's rabble proceeded to give a weary, disjointed and gutless Newcastle side much more than just a serious fright. The second of the three goals the Mackems scored without reply came from the boot of boyhood Toon fan Adam Johnson - clearly a double agent - and was celebrated with a touchline kneeslide from the Italian loon, footage of which is likely to haunt us as much as that of Ronnie Radford's goal.

Before the game Newcastle fans had been warned not to perform Nazi salutes towards Di Canio, but as it turned out it was their behaviour afterwards that brought the club the most unwanted media attention, a small mindless minority choosing to take their frustrations out violently on their own city and - in one case - a police horse. They'll all end up in the dock, with any luck, but one Toon supporter found himself as a member of a jury charged with determining the innocence or guilt of a Mackem - and sensibly confessed to his prejudices.


As for the players, a positive reaction was essential and, in the first half at the Hawthorns at least, we got it. Goofy gave us the lead and we were well on top until half-time - at which point the Baggies were shaken out of their late-season mid-table torpor by ex-Toon man Steve Clarke, changed things around and spent the second period pressuring our fragile defence which, mercifully, only cracked once.

Liverpool were next up, and I made the grave mistake of suggesting that we could "take comfort from Suarez's absence" following his ban for biting Branislav Ivanovic: "They may not be a one-man team, but they're not far off it. It's up to us to capitalise and save our Premier League skins." Words that didn't so much come back to bite me in the arse as came back and swallowed me whole. The 6-0 humiliation was our worst defeat on home turf for 87 years, and the display the worst I could recall since Black & White & Read All Over began. The players were hopeless and gutless, the tactics clueless. It was an utter embarrassment. Two home games on from that Fulham jubilation, had the Silver Fox thrown himself into the crowd he'd have been torn to pieces.

Our St James' Park thrashing by the Reds recalled a similar pummelling in the 2008/9 season, not so much raising the spectre of relegation as helping to make it flesh and bone. Indeed, deja vu was persistent throughout April - whether it was the news that Raylor may be out for another year with a recurrence of his cruciate knee ligament injury or that the lone Lone Ranger had been found guilty of assault. Nothing went right - not even going against every fibre in our bodies and willing a Mackem win over Villa on the grounds that it would be beneficial to our chances of staying up. A 6-1 battering later and it was evident that we're not the only side in the North-East who simply cannot be relied upon.

All of which meant it was grimly fitting that One Direction should have chosen last month to visit our training ground - after all, we only seem to be going in one direction too, and it isn't up.

As desperate as it got, though, I personally retained a sense of perspective throughout. Becoming a father for the first time will do that to you. Bill Shankly was wrong about football being more important than life and death, you know - though I appreciate that might be less of a consolation to you, dear reader, than it is to me come 19th May.

The noose tightens

Ordinarily a clean sheet away immediately following a 6-0 drubbing at home would be very welcome - but not today. Paul's match report to follow, but suffice to say that that's the fifth legitimate goal that Papiss Cisse has seen ruled out this season. The news elsewhere wasn't good, with Paul Lambert victorious on his old stomping ground of Carrow Road and Wigan's Callum McManaman hell-bent on relegating us single-handedly, having maimed Massadio Haidara, scored a vital goal at home to Spurs last weekend and then the winner at West Brom today that leaves the Latics just three points behind us with a game in hand.