Thursday, July 28, 2011

What's in a name?

As anyone who has ever spent more than a couple of minutes reading our musings over the years will know, we're fond of a nickname on this site. However, we realise that some of these are a bit less obvious than others - so, in a bid to make life easier for new readers or anyone trawling the archive, here's our (non-exhaustive) list of nicknames that we've used/continue to use:

Owners/chairmen/board members past and present

Dirty Doug = Douglas Hall, Fat Fred's News-of-the-World-sponsored drinking companion

Fat Fred = Freddie Shepherd, our erstwhile owner and piggy-eyed professional gobshite

Jabba = Mike Ashley, for his resemblance to the Star Wars character (also recently labelled Iron Mike in reference to his hardline stance on transfers and in contract negotiations)

Llambiarse = Derek Llambias, Jabba's lickspittle

The Poison Dwarf = Dennis Wise, for being a horrible little twat instrumental in King Kev's second resignation


Fat Sam = Sam Allardyce, a man whose gut is distended by hot air and only dwarfed by his ego

JFK = Joe Fucking Kinnear, for announcing himself to the media in such low-key style

King Kev = Kevin Keegan, whose crown never slipped despite Jabba and Llambiarse's attempts to knock it off

The Silver Fox = Alan Pardew, ladies man

Sourness/Soumess = Graeme Souness, a rival to Fat Sam in the bitterness stakes post-Toon sacking

Current players

Big Lad = Shola Ameobi, as named by the man who used to sit behind me on match days and shout "Gan on Big Lad" whenever Shola had the ball

Dreamboat = Yohan Cabaye, both for his sublime skills and his handsome features

HBA = Hatem Ben Arfa whose name has been optimistically shortened to a more twitter friendly length in the hope we'll be using it frequently

Little Big Lad =Sammy Ameobi, Big Lad's younger brother

The Lone Ranger = Nile Ranger, for obvious reasons as well as the fact that he's been known to tote a gun

Master T = Gael Bigirimana, who resembles a younger Cheik Tiote in both mohican and on-pitch attitude

Mr T = Cheik Tiote, on account of his haircut and hardman no nonsense attitude on the pitch

Obertan Kenobe = Gabrial Obertan.  Jedi powers as yet still to be demonstrated.

Perchinho = James Perch, utility player initially derided but whose ability to play in a multitude of positions and silky brazilian skills have seen public opinion deservedly soar

Raylor = Ryan Taylor, to distinguish him from Saylor

Saylor = Steven Taylor, in a bid to distinguish him from Raylor

Sideshow Bob = Fabricio Coloccini, whose hair is astonishingly similar to that of the recurring Simpsons character

Spidermag = Jonas Gutierrez, on account of his seemingly retired Spiderman mask goal celebration

The Xisco Kid = Xisco, who has thus far spectacularly failed to show us his moves


Agent Bramble = Titus Bramble - see Agent Chopra but with added comedy

Agent Chopra = Michael Chopra, during his time playing for the opposition, especially those from the Dark Place and generally doing all he can to undermine his current employers for our benefit

ASBO = Joey Barton, due to his past misdemeanours (and inspired by now-defunct blog The Return Of The King)

Begbie = ASBO, during his unfortunate Trainspotting-esque moustache phase at the start of the 2010-11 season

Bigger Lad/Rocky = Andy Carroll - the first on account of being taller than Big Lad and the latter in reference to his oft-displayed pugilistic streak

Captain Pasty = Mark Viduka, on account of his visible appreciation for Greggs

Charles N'Somnia/The Zog = Charles N'Zogbia, the former nickname coming from JFK's famous insult/gaffe

Everyone's Favourite Peruvian Trumpet-Playing Love Rat = Nobby Solano, on account of two of his favourite extra-curricular activities

Fat Pat = Patrick Kluivert, more interested in expanding his waistline and adding notches to his bedpost than chasing the odd loose ball

Fat Sol = Sol Campbell, for piling on the pounds on honeymoon rather than getting himself trim in the hope of winning a contract

Homer = Marlon Harewood, on account of his resemblance to a certain Simpsons character, rather than a love of classical Greek literature

Leon O'Best = Leon Best, Republic of Ireland qualified striker presumably because he once drank a pint of Guinness

Little Saint Mick/England's Michael Owen = Michael Owen, the goody-two-shoes who did little but try the club's patience and has since regularly badmouthed us in public

The Lion of Gosforth/Wor Al = Alan Shearer, of course

The Little Waster = Kieron Dyer, our erstwhile perma-crocked, Sir-Bobby-aggravating, Bowyer-bashing bad boy (partly in tribute to the late great Bobby Thompson)

The No-Necked Text Pest = Craig Bellamy, for his physical appearance and ill-advised communiques to Wor Al in the wake of the 2005 FA Cup semi-final

One Size = Fitz Hall - though, to be fair, this was one he brought with him

Porridge = ASBO, during the time he spent detained at Her Majesty's pleasure

Sir Les = Les Ferdinand, scorer of 41 goals in 68 appearances over just two years


Colin Wanker = Neil Warnock - a most apt anagram

David O'Blarney/O'Bleary = David O'Leary, thankfully not linked with us for some time

Droopy = Harry Redknapp, for his phycial resemblance of the cartoon dog of the same name

Ol' Cauliflower Face = Steve Bruce, possessor of a visage so vegetably it would win first prize at most village fetes

Mackem Tango Man = Phil Brown, nuclear-orange-hued idiot with a penchant for karaoke and a ludicrous ambition to manage England but now "sadly" managing in League One

Monkey's Heed = Peter Reid - what is it with Mackem managers and amusingly-shaped bonces?

Shrek/The Granny Botherer = Wayne Rooney, our weird-looking tormentor-in-chief and frequenter of pension-collecting prostitutes

Taggart = "Sir" Alex Ferguson, a man whose face is often as purple as it is sour

That Bloody Woman/TBW = Louise Taylor, Guardian journalist and Mackem lover who Cannot Be Named

Hope that was helpful...

*Last Updated: 4 November 2012*




Blogger Unknown said...

I come here for the football talk... I stay to learn British terms / slang (ASBO, Porridge, etc)

Thanks for the list!

9:05 pm  

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