Tuesday, November 09, 2010

At home with Kevin and Andy

OK, enough passing allusions - high time I tackled Orgygate head on, albeit cautiously...*

First and foremost, let's begin by reiterating the club's statement on the allegations (which, incidentally, appeared on the official site during the Arsenal game - clearly our PR machine has been taking tips from the last Labour government on how to bury bad news...): "Both Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll categorically deny having any knowledge that drugs had been brought onto the premises and are pleased that the paper does not even allege that they were aware of the presence of drugs. Neither player would ever contemplate taking drugs or condone the use of such substances."

As I understand it, there's no implication that either player was involved in drug-taking, though the sexual shenanigans (on Rocky's part, at least) were apparently a different matter. Am I the only person who's come to the conclusion that his alleged mid-coitus exclamation of "Ride me! Ride me!" explains that awful pony-tail? He clearly thinks he's a stallion. It also gives a stomach-churning added meaning to Chris Hughton's claims that he's had his "ups and downs"...

Two days before the derby match, Kevin Nolan spoke to TBW of the Guardian about the duo's domestic life in terms that made you think perhaps the KevinandAndy Twitter feed isn't a spoof after all. Nolan revealed that Rocky was being subjected to a strict 11pm lights-out policy like a naughty teenager, and also noted: "My wife has been in Liverpool this week. But when she comes back this weekend I know she will ask Andy to go upstairs and read to [my children]. I have got a four-year-old daughter and a nine-month-old son, and we have got all sorts of different books for him to pick from. He might like Peppa Pig – or there is a monkey one." If only trying to read kids' books had been the only thing Rocky got up to in the boudoir that weekend, eh? Or that his lights-out policy had been more rigidly enforced.

Let's get serious for a moment, though. Regardless of whether there has been any personal wrongdoing, or whether the story is the result of a standard sting on the part of the News Of The Screws, the fact remains that both of our players have been very foolish to have put themselves in the situation to be stung - whether celebrating a famous derby win or not. Rocky should surely appreciate that recent brushes with the law will make him a target for particular scrutiny from the tabloids - and if he doesn't, then the club should make a point of impressing it upon him fast.

Arguably Nolan deserves greater censure, though: as captain, he should have known far better than to have instigated an open-doored party - not least because of the identity of his houseguest and the very circumstances in which Rocky came to be staying, and his own supposed position of responsibility and care. Not appropriate behaviour for someone about to be commemorated with three different programme covers for tomorrow's match with Blackburn - one for each goal of his hat-trick against 5under1and.

It's a depressing scenario: just as we've returned to the Premier League and are playing well, just as we have an assured and dignified manager quietly going about his job and an owner who appears to have learned the value of silence and non-intervention, along comes another scandal to destabilise us once more.

Unlike a certain red-shirted Shrek lookalike, Rocky seems to have an uncanny ability to ignore off-field problems and scandal when he pulls on the shirt. His header at West Ham won us the game two days before he appeared in court and was found guilty of assault, and, having woken up to Sunday's NOTW front page, he went on to turn in another match-winning performance in the capital. So, while his off-field conduct is giving serious cause for concern, his displays on the pitch are arguably worthy of an England call-up.

Former Toon manager Glenn Roeder possibly has a point in arguing that Fabio Capello would be giving out the wrong message by picking Rocky and has advised the striker to live "a quieter life". We can but hope, Glenn - I'm all for getting "GROW UP" tattooed on the inside of both of his eyelids. No surprise, though, that ASBO doesn't agree: "Sometimes you need the players who don't always toe the line. Hopefully they will stop worrying about Goody Two Shoes image which the sponsors want for England." One eye on your own prospects there, eh, Joey?

If the Twitter feed's to be believed, mind, there's a perfectly innocent explanation for the whole incident: "Mrs Nolan had been baking, it was flour, and Andy and the girls were only playing Bucking Bronco upstairs. Jeez anything to sell a paper..."

* Note "I" not "we" here - I'm not claiming to speak for the other half of Black & White & Read All Over here. We don't always sing from the same hymn sheet, you know...


Blogger kunal said...

your blog is just so awesome. i mean its got everything you would want in a great blog, also its funny and the posts always leave you(readers) with a smile on your face.The only thing i do not understand is why are there no comments posted

9:30 am  
Blogger Unknown said...

Lets think back mate-im 44 now and all i could think about when i was AC`s age was women-lasses an women-all acompanied by a few beers and more women-ALL my friends were the same.Now i`m no lunatic or a pervert-just a normal bloke-just like Carroll-just not as rich-3 lasses wanted to take him home and-give him the good news-GREAT-i wish it had happened to me,he is a single lad and ENTITLED to do these things-he did nothing wrong other than to be a red blooded male and human.I am supprised at Nolan allowing it to happen in his home though-im willing to bet his wife will be more than a little peeved but??? As for the England set up-maybe mr Roeder needs to think before opening his gob,Carroll setting a bad example-kn-hell-we have perverts-druggies(see mr ferdinand)wife beaters-gambling addicts-serial adulterers and drink drivers to name a few of the mistermeners-so think about it!!! its allways the same though,the media HATE to see a north east team doing well and the other nob jockeys just jump on the band waggon..Carrolls no angel but worse than what we already have wearing the 3lions? dont make me laugh...1 set of rulles please!!! story lines like this just play into the southern scumm media biggots hands....

11:18 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Kunal: Thanks. All comments are posted, as long as they're related to the topic, not highly offensive and not anonymous.

ajpatty: Can't agree with you I'm afraid. This has got nothing to do with an alleged "southern media bias" - it's simply that Carroll's actions have led to the tabloids hunting around for dirt and he keeps providing it. He's NOT a normal bloke - he's a very privileged footballer who should start behaving like one. Just because there are other miscreants in the England team doesn't somehow excuse Carroll's conduct.

9:59 pm  

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