Anything you can do, Matty, I can do worse...

Further proof that even retirement can't stop our old boys from indulging in bad behaviour: Malcolm Allen - the man who, lest we forget, scored the only goal of our first ever win in the Premier League - has been handed a suspended jail sentence and ban for getting "paralytic" on ten pints and then thinking it was a good idea to drive to a Chinese takeaway.

Ten pints, eh? Couldn't top that, could you Matty? It was only your forgetting to put on any trousers that made YOUR tale of misadventure particularly newsworthy...