Premature ejaculation*

How not to conduct a transfer in three easy steps, courtesy of Turkish side Ankaragucu:

1. Present your "new signing" in front of the national media.

2. Parade him in front of your fans (whose ecstacy suggests they're oblivous to the fact that he's a past-it cash drain who could be outpaced by an asthmatic tortoise).

3. Discover the club from which you've supposedly signed him has released a statement labelling your announcement "extremely premature" and that "there are a number of clubs interested in possibly acquiring his services".

* Oh come on, don't pretend you thought that was beneath us...